Contact with Ex - Who do I believe

LegacyUser · 07-08-2016 10:26PM

Right guys, just to clarify:

I first got with my bf and it became apparent throughout the course of the first couple of months that he had been very badly hurt by his ex. He didn't treat me as well as he should have and did some hurtful things at the start and put this down to insecurities because of how she treated him. He'd said at this stage it had been 8 months previous since he'd spoken to her. It later came out( just recently) that he had spoke to her just before we got together. Then it came up a few weeks back that she'd messaged him, about 6 months in to our relationship. He asked her not to contact him again, as they were both now in relationships, which now seems weird because my bf knew she'd messaged him about breaking up with the bf (message before we got together) so there was a chance they weren't back together. I never ever uttered the words to her stop contacting my bf. She went off on one at my bf, saying he was being rude and how this whole thing was too funny, etc. I messaged her at this point because I was fuming after everything this girl has done on my bf. We exchanged words back and forth, I never once swore or called her names. During the course of this she said my bf messaged her after a trip he went on (when we were together) and no mention of me. This felt like such a kick in the gut that my bf was just casually chatting to this girl that he makes out is a right b***h and everything he's put me through because of her, but he's just casually talking to her no big deal. I hope this makes sense. I just don't know what to believe that's all.

SB_Part2 · 08-08-2016 10:04AM

It doesn't really matter how you explain it. You cannot control other peoples behaviour, only your own. You shouldn't have messaged her and your boyfriend should have blocked her if she was such a bitch.

TBH it sounds to me that your boyfriend is playing you. He's loving all this attention.

08-08-2016 10:36AM

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

This felt like such a kick in the gut that my bf was just casually chatting to this girl that he makes out is a right b***h and everything he's put me through because of her, but he's just casually talking to her no big deal. I hope this makes sense. I just don't know what to believe that's all.

Well for a start, anything your boyfriend ' put you through' is down to him. Completely. It's not her fault or anything to do with her.
Your boyfriend is responsible for his own actions.
Secondly, he didn't treat you the way he should in the first few months? Why in the world would you stay with someone who doesn't treat you right, in the exciting honeymoon phase? Doesnt bode well for the rest of the relationship.
Lastly, why would you feel the need to have a go at someone who treated your boyfriend badly in the past? Have you had a go at anyone else he has fallen out with over the years? Totally inappropriate & strange behaviour, particularly with an ex of his. Is he not a big boy now? Can he not stick up for himself?

I think you need to forget about this girl completely. She is nothing to you.
TBH it sounds like your boyfriend is a little boy who cannot look after himself, and has no responsibility for his own life/actions.

njs030 · 08-08-2016 10:50AM

This is so weird.

You contacted your boyfriends ex to have a go at her because of things that happened before you met?
You know him blaming her for problems in your relationship is just him not taking responsibility don't you?

Op- it's not her fault he chose to treat you badly. It's not her fault your bf has been in contact with her. It's not her fault you clearly have jealousy issues.

It's his fault he can't take responsibility. It's his fault you feel so miserable. It's his fault he has lied and decieved you.

It's your fault you got involved. It's not a normal way to behave. You will never know the entire truth but you will drive yourself mad trying to work it out.
You must have very low self esteem to stay with someone who treated you badly early on.

Please leave her alone and consider what is healthy in this relationship. Either start afresh or walk away.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2016 11:45AM

I just want to make it clear aswell, the main point of my thread was to figure out whether I could believe him about having contact with her while we were together. I've no intention of speaking to this girl ever again. It was like such a knife through the heart when she said he's messaged her after his trip and oh no mention of you. She did also ask how long we've been dating, if we'd met on this trip, did I love him and did I want to marry him. It's now clear that bf dumped her just before we got together, when she contacted my bf. So maybe this is why she's been a stand up cow. I know my actions have been inappropriate, but i'd just had enough of the bs over an ex from over 5 years ago. But I would never be so spiteful to say to another woman, oh yeah he messaged me, no mention of you.

I contacted her over the response to my bf, not randomly just to drag up the past.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2016 11:55AM

leggo wrote: »

Look, just to echo what others have said here: she is not to blame in any of this. She's not a part of your relationship and has no duty to either of you. She may be cray cray and interfering, yes, but the onus is on your boyfriend to stay loyal to you.

There may be some psychological baggage left over from your boyfriend from how it ended with this one but that's not your problem. We all have baggage that we bring to a relationship. It's each individual's job to deal with their **** on their own time and give our partner 100%, otherwise don't be in a relationship.

You're making excuses for your bf here and rationalising his behaviour quite a lot when, if you want to, you can boil down your problems and make them quite simple. He lied, he's failed to sort out his ex drama, even with all of this going on it doesn't look like he's cleared this up fully (it's quite easy to cut all contact with people these days, alongside technology advances the ability to minimalise someone's ability to contact you has also advanced tremendously) and there lies your answer really. If I was you I'd ask for space and get away from him a while to process all of this, see if you doing so causes him to have any major 'cop-on' moments, and if it doesn't then do what needs to be done.

Think this says it all really, I need to take time out. He makes out he was never hung up on her, stopped having feelings for her a long time ago etc etc. I'm trying to explain to him how much all of this has hurt me, how he's treated his relationship with his ex as being of more significance than ours. I just don't know if he gets it.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2016 12:01PM

Tasden wrote: »

Or she was opening up to someone who she is close to and needed some support. If ye weren't together at the time she sent it then she wasn't in the wrong. If he engaged in conversation with her at that time then she was not in the wrong for continuing contact/expecting it to continue, new relationship or not. Exes can be friends and offer each other support.

I get that, but he shouldn't have led me down the garden path and made out she was this and that, using his insecurities from his relationship with her as a poor excuse to treat me like crap. That's not fair. I do think she's selfish regardless.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2016 12:09PM

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP the reason you have ignored all the great advice is because you are not in a relationship with your boyfriend, you are in a competition with his ex for his affections. People telling you to remove her from the equation (sound advice) is not sinking in, because she is the biggest feature of your relationship since the beginning. You haven't got the answer YOU wanted here, which to make it about her, and you got powerful validation from your boyfriend 'for sticking up for him' when you did contact her.

Listen it's a dysfunctional mess, but you are wasting people's time here. You want to contact her and put her 'in her place', your boyfriend feels protected, she loves the attention and credit as a threat. I think you all are content with this dynamic and getting something from it. So I'd say knock yourself out, I've been around RI a while and I think there are sometimes volunteers not victims in these scenarios. People who actually want enable the drama more than they want peace. Why because they fear there is no strong foundation, the drama gives an illusion of emotion and justification. The relationship wouldn't work in peace.

So contact her, not because it's the right thing to do, but be honest it's because all three of you will get tremendous validation form it. He has two women fighting over him, she has you who thinks she is powerful threat (strokes her ego), you get a chance to slay the competition and finally win his affection from her (in theory)......

I haven't ignored anything, i've taken it all on board. I contacted this girl once and have no intention of ever speaking to her again. Yes i'm a volunteer, i'm loving that the man I love is acting like this.

Slay him for his affection? It's not Eastenders. Yeah this is clearly a hoot for me, loving every minute of it, which is why i've spent the last two weeks in tears, having sleepless nights.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2016 12:10PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Excellent post by daisy... Read every sentence, because every sentence is spot on!

I'd also add, I'd say your boyfriend is happy enough to stand back and let the two women fight it out. Sure then all responsibility is off him to do anything. It's up to you to sort her out, and up to her to back off.

And he can just sit back and wait to see what you two decide between you.

Clever! (And cowardly!)

There is no fighting out, i've had one conversation on with this girl.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2016 12:16PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

This is so weird.

You contacted your boyfriends ex to have a go at her because of things that happened before you met?
You know him blaming her for problems in your relationship is just him not taking responsibility don't you?

Op- it's not her fault he chose to treat you badly. It's not her fault your bf has been in contact with her. It's not her fault you clearly have jealousy issues.

It's his fault he can't take responsibility. It's his fault you feel so miserable. It's his fault he has lied and decieved you.

It's your fault you got involved. It's not a normal way to behave. You will never know the entire truth but you will drive yourself mad trying to work it out.
You must have very low self esteem to stay with someone who treated you badly early on.

Please leave her alone and consider what is healthy in this relationship. Either start afresh or walk away.

I don't have jealousy issues, I was in a perfectly healthy relationship for four years where I never had one ounce of jealousy. I know it's his fault but the point i'm getting at is how fuming I was that he could casually be in contact for the girl he puts so much blame on for causing all the issues and hurt in our relationship. That's not fair. He claims to have trust issues himself, which makes it worse.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2016 12:19PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

This is so weird.

You contacted your boyfriends ex to have a go at her because of things that happened before you met?
You know him blaming her for problems in your relationship is just him not taking responsibility don't you?

Op- it's not her fault he chose to treat you badly. It's not her fault your bf has been in contact with her. It's not her fault you clearly have jealousy issues.

It's his fault he can't take responsibility. It's his fault you feel so miserable. It's his fault he has lied and decieved you.

It's your fault you got involved. It's not a normal way to behave. You will never know the entire truth but you will drive yourself mad trying to work it out.
You must have very low self esteem to stay with someone who treated you badly early on.

Please leave her alone and consider what is healthy in this relationship. Either start afresh or walk away.

I've had one conversation with this girl. I have no intention of ever speaking to her again. I know it wasn't the best way to behave but nothing about this situation has been normal. I've been trying to work this out, but I just can't find clarity on the whole situation.

Ursus Horribilis · 08-08-2016 12:48PM

Some people like to blame past relationships and rotten exes for their bad behaviour. I get the impression the ex here is a convenient bogeyman for you. As everyone has said, you should never have contacted her in the first place. If nothing else, it'll give her the satisfaction of knowing she's getting under the skin of the new girlfriend. Also, why are you accepting as gospel what she's telling you? If she's not a nice person and has sensed that you're the sort who can be wound up, she may be telling fibs. Your boyfriend is a big boy. He knows how to behave if he wants to and he can look after himself. No matter how you explain the story, you are still coming out of this very badly.

daisybelle2008 · 08-08-2016 01:27PM

Seriously and I mean this as nicely as possible would you consider seeing a psychiatrist? I have never recommended one before; usually I would say counselling to people with relationship issues. So please don’t think I am being critical, but your take on this is not psychologically normal. He is split up 6 years and has had counselling and you two still can’t function properly in a healthy relationship. It really isn’t normal, none of it. You can’t seem to understand what people are saying and you are unhealthily obsessed with her. Give yourself a break from it; he isn’t worth losing your mind over, he did’t appear that mentally healthy to begin with and you are dragging yourself down getting involved with him.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2016 01:31PM

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Seriously and I mean this as nicely as possible would you consider seeing a psychiatrist? I have never recommended one before; usually I would say counselling to people with relationship issues. So please don’t think I am being critical, but your take on this is not psychologically normal. He is split up 6 years and has had counselling and you two still can’t function properly in a healthy relationship. It really isn’t normal, none of it. You can’t seem to understand what people are saying and you are unhealthily obsessed with her. Give yourself a break from it; he isn’t worth losing your mind over, he did’t appear that mentally healthy to begin with and you are dragging yourself down getting involved with him.

Seriously and I mean this as nicely as possibly what gives you the authority to make such an outlandish suggestion.

Big Bag of Chips · 08-08-2016 01:55PM

So, he had no contact with her during your relationship? He had contact with her about 8 months before he started going out with you. Or so he told you. You then found out that he had been in contact with her just before you got together?

Ok. He still hadn't done anything wrong at that point. You weren't together, so it's nothing to do with you.

He treated you badly at the beginning and blamed her and his insecurities over their relationship (which ended 5 years before you got together?) for treating you badly. He'd had 5 years to get over it. Sounds like an excuse, and blaming her. Easy to do when you think your current gf is never going to cross paths with your ex. At that point if he was blaming her (from 5 years ago) for his behaviour he could hardly tell you he was in contact with her a few weeks before you started going out together. So he told you he told you a white lie that he was in contact with her months before. Instead of admitting it was weeks before.

You say she caused a lot of problems at the beginning of your relationship.... But.... She wasn't involved at the beginning. Just him involving her by blaming her for his behaviour.

She then contacted him 6 months into your relationship and he replied? Was that when he told her not to contact him again because they were both in relationships, and she got a bit arsey thinking he was being rude? Maybe he was. Maybe she realised she was grand for him to contact every so often when he was single for a chat or whatever, but when you came on the scene, she became the (convenient) enemy no.1 and he cut her out telling her not to contact him anymore?

She understandably felt a bit "used" for all the intervening years that he'd been happy to be in contact, presumably when she was in a relationship, but he dropped her fairly quickly when you came along. Well, he had to drop her because according to him she was the devil personified, so it wouldn't do to still have even occassional contact with her, while he had you believing she was such a bitch. So she sent him a text telling him what she thought of him, and that's when you jumped to his honour.

I think that's it?

Anyway... It sounds like your bf is an ass. That's it. I'd guess if/when you break up his next gf will hear about all the crazy ex, and how badly she treated him and how he needed to cut contact etc (that will be YOU he's speaking about by the way, not the other one!)

I may be way off, but he sounds weak and happy to let others take the fall for him. He'll say whatever to whoever to make life easy for himself. He'll blame people who are not present and spin his own version to make himself look better. I suppose we all do it to a certain extent. The problem is you threw a spanner in the works by contacting her and his story began to unravel a bit. Now, I have no doubt she's spinning her own version and obviously making herself look better. But I wouldn't say she's really as bad as he makes her out to be. If she was he wouldn't have still been in contact with her 5 years after breaking up. And certainly no counsellor would have advised him to be in contact with her. (Are you sure he really went to counselling over her?)

LegacyUser · 08-08-2016 02:09PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So, he had no contact with her during your relationship? He had contact with her about 8 months before he started going out with you. Or so he told you. You then found out that he had been in contact with her just before you got together?

She is saying he contacted her when we were together, this is the whole issue. I don't know whether I can believe him. He had told me he hadn't spoken to her in 8 months. Then it turns out it was right before we got together. Why lie about it in the first place?

Ok. He still hadn't done anything wrong at that point. You weren't together, so it's nothing to do with you.

He treated you badly at the beginning and blamed her and his insecurities over their relationship (which ended 5 years before you got together?) for treating you badly. He'd had 5 years to get over it. Sounds like an excuse, and blaming her. Easy to do when you think your current gf is never going to cross paths with your ex. At that point if he was blaming her (from 5 years ago) for his behaviour he could hardly tell you he was in contact with her a few weeks before you started going out together. So he told you he was in contact with her months before. Instead of admitting it was weeks before.

Exactly !!!

You say she caused a lot of problems at the beginning of your relationship.... But.... She wasn't involved at the beginning. Just him involving her by blaming her for his behaviour.

True, that's what I meant.

She then contacted him 6 months into your relationship and he replied? Was that when he told her not to contact him again because they were both in relationships, and she got a bit arsey thinking he was being rude? Maybe he was. Maybe she realised she was grand for him to contact every so often when he was single for a chat or whatever, but when you came on the scene, she became the (convenient) enemy no.1 and he cut her out telling her not to contact him anymore?

This is when he told her not to contact him, he didn't speak to her for a year after they broke up but she was apparently sending him friend requests to beat the band and would be the one initiating contact. She was in a relationship for most of the time over the last 5 years. She dumped him by text and then would contact him. So I don't really see how she can hold the idea that he's now being rude.

She understandably felt a bit "used" for all the intervening years that he'd been happy to be in contact, presumably when she was in a relationship, but he dropped her fairly quickly when you came along. Well, he had to drop her because according to him she was the devil personified, so it wouldn't do to still have even occassional contact with her, while he had you believing she was such a bitch. So she sent him a text telling him what she thought of him, and that's when you jumped to his honour.

I think that's it?

Anyway... It sounds like your bf is an ass. That's it. I'd guess if/when you break up his next gf will hear about all the crazy ex, and how badly she treated him and how he needed to cut contact etc (that will be YOU he's speaking about by the way, not the other one!)

I've considered that.

I may be way off, but he sounds weak and happy to let others take the fall for him. He'll say whatever to whoever to make life easy for himself. He'll blame people who are not present and spin his own version to make himself look better. I suppose we all do it to a certain extent. The problem is you threw a spanner in the works by contacting her and his story began to unravel a bit. Now, I have no doubt she's spinning her own version and obviously making herself look better. But I wouldn't say she's really as bad as he makes her out to be. If she was he wouldn't have still been in contact with her 5 years after breaking up.

I know i've said this to him, I even sent her an apology (weeks ago, before anyone jumps the gun). He told me she cheated, then it turns out he's no definite proof of this. Just lots of little different things came out in the open. I'm not saying it's right or justified, but I think subconsciously I might have known this which is why I contacted her.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2016 02:25PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So, he had no contact with her during your relationship? He had contact with her about 8 months before he started going out with you. Or so he told you. You then found out that he had been in contact with her just before you got together?

Ok. He still hadn't done anything wrong at that point. You weren't together, so it's nothing to do with you.

He treated you badly at the beginning and blamed her and his insecurities over their relationship (which ended 5 years before you got together?) for treating you badly. He'd had 5 years to get over it. Sounds like an excuse, and blaming her. Easy to do when you think your current gf is never going to cross paths with your ex. At that point if he was blaming her (from 5 years ago) for his behaviour he could hardly tell you he was in contact with her a few weeks before you started going out together. So he told you he was in contact with her months before. Instead of admitting it was weeks before.

You say she caused a lot of problems at the beginning of your relationship.... But.... She wasn't involved at the beginning. Just him involving her by blaming her for his behaviour.

She then contacted him 6 months into your relationship and he replied? Was that when he told her not to contact him again because they were both in relationships, and she got a bit arsey thinking he was being rude? Maybe he was. Maybe she realised she was grand for him to contact every so often when he was single for a chat or whatever, but when you came on the scene, she became the (convenient) enemy no.1 and he cut her out telling her not to contact him anymore?

She understandably felt a bit "used" for all the intervening years that he'd been happy to be in contact, presumably when she was in a relationship, but he dropped her fairly quickly when you came along. Well, he had to drop her because according to him she was the devil personified, so it wouldn't do to still have even occassional contact with her, while he had you believing she was such a bitch. So she sent him a text telling him what she thought of him, and that's when you jumped to his honour.

I think that's it?

Anyway... It sounds like your bf is an ass. That's it. I'd guess if/when you break up his next gf will hear about all the crazy ex, and how badly she treated him and how he needed to cut contact etc (that will be YOU he's speaking about by the way, not the other one!)

I may be way off, but he sounds weak and happy to let others take the fall for him. He'll say whatever to whoever to make life easy for himself. He'll blame people who are not present and spin his own version to make himself look better. I suppose we all do it to a certain extent. The problem is you threw a spanner in the works by contacting her and his story began to unravel a bit. Now, I have no doubt she's spinning her own version and obviously making herself look better. But I wouldn't say she's really as bad as he makes her out to be. If she was he wouldn't have still been in contact with her 5 years after breaking up. And certainly no counsellor would have advised him to be in contact with her. (Are you sure he really went to counselling over her?)

I'm not sure if he went to counselling over her, I can only take her word for it. He told me he was angry and hated her for so long and that he just forgave her because life is too short so would just reply and engage in innocent conversation, fair enough. Then why bring all that baggage and toxic drama in to our relationship, that you say is caused by how she treated him. Maybe daisbelle has a point, counsellor might be no harm, I can't make sense of any of this.

intheclouds · 08-08-2016 02:33PM

What is it you are looking for here OP?

You are circling round the same issues and not resolving anything. You just keep coming back to "I dont know what to believe".

You will never know what to believe. You dont have trust in your relationship.

You need to have a higher standard of what constitutes a relationship. This guy treated you badly and then you created loads of drama with his ex. If you create a lot of chaos you can expect to be left with your head spinning and not know who to believe.

I have to question why anyone would stay in the situation you are in at all? Your head is wrecked, you dont trust your bf, you cannot control your own behaviour, and what are you getting out of all this? Obsessive mistrustful thoughts.

My last advice to you is to walk away from all of this and work on developing some self respect and integrity. Your self esteem must be in the toilet for you to be be tolerating this nonsense in your life.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2016 02:42PM

intheclouds wrote: »

What is it you are looking for here OP?

You are circling round the same issues and not resolving anything. You just keep coming back to "I dont know what to believe".

You will never know what to believe. You dont have trust in your relationship.

You need to have a higher standard of what constitutes a relationship. This guy treated you badly and then you created loads of drama with his ex. If you create a lot of chaos you can expect to be left with your head spinning and not know who to believe.

I have to question why anyone would stay in the situation you are in at all? Your head is wrecked, you dont trust your bf, you cannot control your own behaviour, and what are you getting out of all this? Obsessive mistrustful thoughts.

My last advice to you is to walk away from all of this and work on developing some self respect and integrity. Your self esteem must be in the toilet for you to be be tolerating this nonsense in your life.

I wanted to get some clarity on the whole situation, it usually helps to get outside opinions. You make out like i'm completely out of control. I messaged this girl once!!! If I didn't have any self respect I would just dismiss this and move on. I would never have questioned every thing in the first place. I tolerate it because I fell in love with this guy. Unfortunate for me he's both wonderful and an absolute ass at the same time.

Big Bag of Chips · 08-08-2016 03:54PM

He's human. He's flawed. Now you know that, so now the decision is yours whether you can accept he "embellished the truth" or not.

Nobody here can decide what you should or shouldn't be willing to live with.

Neyite · 08-08-2016 03:55PM

Mod:

Closing for review...

Re-opening.

daisybelle2008 · 08-08-2016 09:29PM

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

why bring all that baggage and toxic drama in to our relationship, that you say is caused by how she treated him. Maybe daisbelle has a point, counsellor might be no harm, I can't make sense of any of this.

He sounds like a moron, six years and he is not over some past gf?
Ask yourself why you want to be with a moron who treats you badly.

Tasden · 08-08-2016 09:50PM

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

I wanted to get some clarity on the whole situation, it usually helps to get outside opinions. You make out like i'm completely out of control. I messaged this girl once!!! If I didn't have any self respect I would just dismiss this and move on. I would never have questioned every thing in the first place. I tolerate it because I fell in love with this guy. Unfortunate for me he's both wonderful and an absolute ass at the same time.

Honestly, move on and find someone who is wonderful 100% of the time. Nobody can be perfect but you can find someone who isn't going to be an ass. Who no matter how much you fight you never question his loyalty to you.

And maybe take some time out and focus on yourself for a while. This has obviously been a relationship with a lot of turmoil, and it might be a good idea for you to make the decision to end it for your own hapiness and find strength in that decision. You'd be surprised how much satisfaction you can feel being the one who choses to walk away from a toxic relationship. You can still love someone and care for them while realising too much has happened for the relationship to continue and be healthy.

I 100% get it that you love him and want it to work. But it's not working. And you're constantly getting worked up and feeding into the drama; wanting answers and wanting him to prove that he's faithful and he loves you as much as you love him. But I don't think you're going to get that because the insecurities and the history is always there clouding the love and commitment he does show you. So it will never really be enough anymore because you will always wonder about what she said about the message while yous were away.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

mada82 · 08-08-2016 09:51PM

What exactly did he do when he treated you badly?

You mentioned he text her after a trip. Was it an innocent text? What did she mean by no mention of you? Were the two of you in a relationship at the time of this trip?

We are only hearing your side of the story here which also happens to be the worst part of the relationship too but it sounds like a complete head wreck. I'd walk away. You will be glad you did in a few weeks.

Big Bag of Chips · 08-08-2016 10:34PM

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

I'm not sure if he went to counselling over her, I can only take her word for it.

?????
So SHE told you he went to counselling over her? Have you asked him??

To be honest OP, regardless of what's gone on, regardless of whether or not she treated him badly or he treated her badly or they treated each other badly, I think it is plainly obvious that he is still hung up on her to some degree. If over 5 years after breaking up with someone you can still blame them for your "insecurities" and the problems in your current relationship then it is plain as day that there's still something there from his side, or some unresolved feelings. (Be they good or bad?)

Her contacting him after she broke up with her bf doesn't seem that unusual now. They've been in constant/regular/intermittent contact for a long time, so her contacting him wasn't her being a bitch! Sure he contacted her at times too.

He's not over her. Not fully. She's also a handy scapegoat for his "insecurities". You don't need this. You don't need to babysit someone through whatever twisted 5 year long breakup these two are going through. On the surface he might seem like a great fella, scratch not too deep and you find a whole mess that you aren't qualified to sort out for him.

LegacyUser · 09-08-2016 09:06AM

mada82 wrote: »

What exactly did he do when he treated you badly?

He kept me at a distance, shut me out, acted evasive, then mentioned inappropriate things about his ex, intimate details etc.

You mentioned he text her after a trip. Was it an innocent text? What did she mean by no mention of you? Were the two of you in a relationship at the time of this trip?

We got together before the trip. She said it was innocent but he denied ever messaging her. Yeap we were.

We are only hearing your side of the story here which also happens to be the worst part of the relationship too but it sounds like a complete head wreck. I'd walk away. You will be glad you did in a few weeks.

He's done a lot of really nice things for me too and we get on so well. He's taken months off work to be with me, we're in seperate countries for now. He's forked out a lot of money for a visa for me to go back and be with him(i'll pay my half obviously). He does really sweet thoughtful things, he supports me in everything I do. But then there's all these lies and drama, I don't know how I can trust him.

LegacyUser · 09-08-2016 09:10AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

?????
So SHE told you he went to counselling over her? Have you asked him??

No he told me sorry, I can't even string a sentence together.

To be honest OP, regardless of what's gone on, regardless of whether or not she treated him badly or he treated her badly or they treated each other badly, I think it is plainly obvious that he is still hung up on her to some degree. If over 5 years after breaking up with someone you can still blame them for your "insecurities" and the problems in your current relationship then it is plain as day that there's still something there from his side, or some unresolved feelings. (Be they good or bad?)

Her contacting him after she broke up with her bf doesn't seem that unusual now. They've been in constant/regular/intermittent contact for a long time, so her contacting him wasn't her being a bitch! Sure he contacted her at times too.

He's not over her. Not fully. She's also a handy scapegoat for his "insecurities". You don't need this. You don't need to babysit someone through whatever twisted 5 year long breakup these two are going through. On the surface he might seem like a great fella, scratch not too deep and you find a whole mess that you aren't qualified to sort out for him.

I know i've had a gut feeling the whole time something wasn't right and it's never fully gone away. I was trying to work past this and forgive him, but it just still doesn't sit right with me.

leggo · 09-08-2016 10:57AM

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

He's done a lot of really nice things for me too and we get on so well. He's taken months off work to be with me, we're in seperate countries for now. He's forked out a lot of money for a visa for me to go back and be with him(i'll pay my half obviously). He does really sweet thoughtful things, he supports me in everything I do. But then there's all these lies and drama, I don't know how I can trust him.

Don't go moving countries for this man.

daisybelle2008 · 09-08-2016 12:34PM

It gets worse, you are actually in a long distance relationship with this guy you don't trust and has treated you badly? It doesn't make sense, are you very lonely in the country you are in? Have you a good net work of friends and family and social life? I think the doubts you are having are a sign that moving your life is a bad idea.

Big Bag of Chips · 09-08-2016 01:37PM

You have a gut feeling for a reason. People who don't act on their gut feeling usually end up wishing they did.

Contact with Ex - Who do I believe

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