Boyfriend not attracted to me- my fault?

LegacyUser · 14-08-2016 06:10PM #1

Hi all

I've been with my bf for 3 and half years. All was good for the first few months, then I discovered little lies that he told in the beginning. I found him messaging his ex gf (who I later found out he continued to see for around 3 months after starting with me) and one other girl. All happened in the first few months before we tried sleeping together.

I let it go due to the fact we hadn't slept together. Unfortunately when we tried to have sex, the pain was unbearable. We tried again several times over the years but it was always the same. In the meantime he had an affair lasting 7 months (she finished it).During that time he always denied it, lots of lies, telling me I was crazy.

We moved on after that, he confessed all but only when it was over with her. We started a new life, new jobs, new home and he turned his life around and I believe he is really trying. The problem is (and I probably sound naive) but on nights out when drunk, there have been incidents with other girls, small things and done in front of me but enough for me to gather that he is still interested in others.

Meanwhile, while we get on fine day to day and he talks bout our future and marriage, he has no sexual interest in me. He never wants to hug, kiss or try anything when we are in bed together. He admits that he is no longer attracted due to the lack of sex and blames me for not making an effort to fix the issue. I accept responsibility for that and I guess when the cheating and stuff happened in the past, my confidence dropped and the issue was embatrsassing enough as it is. However when he changed his life and we started over, I should have went to a doctor to find a fix. I just want to add that I never deny him anything in bed (that I am capable of doing without pain), and I often initiate during which he is always satisfied but maybe it's not enough or the same as sex I'm sure.

Now I don't know what to do. It's killing me to know he is attracted to others but denies me any affection and often pushes me away. My confidence is at its lowest. I am going to go to the doctor this week but at this stage I'm not sure he will ever be attracted to me again.

Obviously there are major trust issues between us now as well after the past cheating. I feel like I'm just waiting for it to happen again given the lack of attraction to me. I would love to try sex again but he gets angry when I tense up due to pain, and it inevitably doesn't happen then things are worse. He thinks that I am somehow stopping him intentionally I think and resents me for it. I feel very guilty that its all my fault and I don't want to leave when he stayed with me. Not sure what hope there is though.

Thanks

Augme · 14-08-2016 07:19PM

I think it's fair to say this relationship is in the gutter and you'd both be crazy to try and work through it. Break up and sort out your medical issues.

Mr. Incognito · 14-08-2016 07:26PM

Three and a half years. No sex.

He is cheating and not intimate or affectionate.

Stop blaming yourself. Break up, get some self worth and go see a gynechologist

bp · 14-08-2016 07:36PM

I think you need to see a medical professional and therapist to work on your physical and psychological issues....I don't think this is a healthy relationship

LegacyUser · 14-08-2016 09:12PM

Thanks everyone for the replies so far. I guess you are pretty much re-iterating what I know but so far I've failed to find the confidence/ self worth/ sense.

I love him very much. That combined with the guilt of leaving when he really has made a big effort to change and cut back on drink to avoid these things happening etc. He tells me things will be ok and we can work it out. I don't understand why he wants to stay with someone he is not attracted to. And I know logically that you shouldn't need to work at bring attracted to someone.

I think I am just acting in fear of what will happen if we are not together and he moves on.
He believes and has said he doesn't think anyone else would stay with me due to this issue which I guess is in the back of my mind. I think he genuinely believes that and he also knows I would never do anything behind his back so has felt free in the past to do what he wanted knowing I can't / won't do the same.

baby and crumble · 15-08-2016 08:26AM

Clockcross wrote: »

He believes and has said he doesn't think anyone else would stay with me due to this issue which I guess is in the back of my mind.

This is a major red flag OP. It's classic abusive and mind melt behaviour. Just leave. You'll find someone else who loves and wants you, and if you don't or if it takes a while you're better off alone than with this guy.

BetsyEllen · 15-08-2016 08:40AM

OP I'm a little confused.

To clarify, have you never had sex in the 3.5 years at all?

Sorry, I just can't make out if you have or you haven't.
When you say you never deny him anything in bed, what do you mean?
You give him oral?

You obviously have extremely low self esteem - the fact he was carrying on with an ex at the start, had a 7 month affair, had 'incidents' with other girls...why have you stayed with him?? What on earth is this 'relationship' bringing you?

I really do feel this is dead.
You have medical issues you need to have resolved and also counselling of some description to help you with the emotional scars this relationship will no doubt leave you with, as well as the low confidence you already had when you met this man.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-08-2016 12:19PM

I don't want to go down the road of medical diagnosis here but the symptoms of what you've described here sound very like a known medical condition that is very treatable. No woman should have to experience pain when having sex.

However, your "boyfriend" sounds absolutely vile. Relationships are supposed to bring good things to your life and make you feel loved, happy and secure. Can you honestly say, hand on heart, that this man is bringing any of that to your life? He sounds like an abusive bully if you ask me. I'm not actually sure why the pair of you are still together? It's certainly not mutual love and physical attraction, that's for sure. Is it because in your case you're terrified of being single? And in his, he wants the convenience of someone at home and the leeway to cheat without impunity?

I think you should ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor. When you go, print out this post and bring it with you.

Lucyfur · 15-08-2016 12:29PM

He gets angry when you tense up in pain?

Go to the doctor. Get your medical issue addressed. And then find a lovely guy who has patience and respect for you. Bet of luck

dee_mc · 15-08-2016 03:34PM

It's absolutely not your fault. This man is doing you a huge disservice by blaming you for these issues.
Reiterating what others have said above, ditch him, get help with forgetting him and rebuilding your confidence, and get help with the sex issue.
When you're ready, you can find a man who will treat you with the kindness, tenderness and understanding you need and deserve. In the meantime you need to be kind and understanding to yourself.

batmanrobin · 15-08-2016 03:38PM

Clockcross wrote: »

the guilt of leaving when he really has made a big effort to change and cut back on drink to avoid these things happening etc. He tells me things will be ok and we can work it out. I don't understand why he wants to stay with someone he is not attracted to. And I know logically that you shouldn't need to work at bring attracted to someone.

I think I am just acting in fear of what will happen if we are not together and he moves on.
He believes and has said he doesn't think anyone else would stay with me due to this issue which I guess is in the back of my mind. I think he genuinely believes that and he also knows I would never do anything behind his back so has felt free in the past to do what he wanted knowing I can't / won't do the same.

He's cutting back on alcohol because it will reduce him getting into these "situations". For that read: not taking responsibility for his actions.

You say you don't know why he'd want to be with someone he's not attracted to: why would you want to stay with someone who has told you he's not attracted to you?!

He used your medical issue against you in the worst possible way. He's told you no one else would have you. Yet you're so lucky to have him? The devil wouldn't take him, OP. He is an ass. 100%.

I would echo the need for you to speak to your GP and a therapist. However the first thing you need to do is erase this guy from your life. He's completely toxic, a bully and a cheat.

Value yourself more than this. He is not the best you can do.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2016 10:37PM

BetsyEllen wrote: »

OP I'm a little confused.

To clarify, have you never had sex in the 3.5 years at all?

Sorry I don't know how to quote multiple posts. No, we haven't. We tried but it's like (sorry if its tmi) hitting a wall, or there is not enough space. I guess I must be tense. I think the point I was trying to make was that it was not me refusing him sex on purpose. I wish I could, I feel like a failure for not being able to do what's normal. On top of that I know he resents me because he thinks I am doing it on purpose because he has never heard of such a thing happening.

I was reading the replies to some of the threads on here about wives denying their husbands sex etc and then that got me thinking that perhaps bevause I didn't make more effort to fix this that he was right in what he was saying. I know it's not exactly the same thing because this is not by my choice and I always make sure to do my best with him in this area ( obviously full intercourse aside).

Thanks for all the replies. I think it's gotten to the stage where I am doubting myself and what I know is right.

I know it sounds ludicrous but the sense of guilt I would feel at leaving him is tremendous. The balance of power is off and I feel like I am lucky to have him (when others from outside say the opposite, down to different career, education etc) and I think he genuinely believes that. He talks as if I should be lucky when he is spending time with me and if I complain about anything then it's thrown in my face that what right have I to complain when he doesn't complain about the sex issue. This is true, he doesn't raise it unless I try to discuss any issue I have with him and then he brings that up as a way to say that I have no right to complain.

Due to the above, I guess I feel under compliment to him and that after he stayed with me and made changes etc then I would be unfair to leave. I know it's hard to understand but I feel utterly powerless and out of control but I know neither of us are happy. I don't trust him and it affects our lives in every aspect as I constantly doubt him but have no right to query anything due to the above.

I appreciate everyone's opinions because I am at the stage where I doubt my own mind on this situation. I think without counselling I probably will never find the strength to leave. Just to read what everyone has written so far has helped me gain clarity.

Augme · 15-08-2016 11:39PM

Clockcross wrote: »

I know it sounds ludicrous but the sense of guilt I would feel at leaving him is tremendous. The balance of power is off and I feel like I am lucky to have him (when others from outside say the opposite, down to different career, education etc) and I think he genuinely believes that. He talks as if I should be lucky when he is spending time with me and if I complain about anything then it's thrown in my face that what right have I to complain when he doesn't complain about the sex issue. This is true, he doesn't raise it unless I try to discuss any issue I have with him and then he brings that up as a way to say that I have no right to complain.
.

Why would he? The issue hasn't stopped him from sticking his dick into other people so it's not like he's not getting sex.

batmanrobin · 15-08-2016 11:58PM

OP, please make an appointment with your doctor. Please also find a counsellor to speak to asap!

You need to leave this man before he beats you down psychologically more than he already has. He does what he wants because he knows he's beaten you down. He has you convinced he's the best you can do.

Unequivocally and without exception, you owe no man a relationship, sex or anything else.

You do however owe yourself a hell of a lot. You owe yourself self love and self respect, kindness and decency. Because when you have those things, when you value and treat yourself right, men like your bf won't get anywhere near you. You'll see them for who they are and you won't waste your precious time.

You deserve so much better than this. Please believe that for yourself.

deseil · 16-08-2016 12:00AM

A man will not be happy in a relationship without sex! I know lots of people on here are saying hes an asshole etc, but you need to realise being in a relationship without sex is not normal.

batmanrobin · 16-08-2016 12:05AM

deseil wrote: »

A man will not be happy in a relationship without sex! I know lots of people on here are saying hes an asshole etc, but you need to realise being in a relationship without sex is not normal.

Him cheating all around him and throwing her medical condition in her face is piss poor behaviour. Lack of sex does not give him the right to treat her like s*it on his shoe. He tells her no one else will want her - that's not normal behaviour. It's abusive behaviour. There is no justification for the way he has behaved towards her so don't go there with putting the blame on her.

endacl · 16-08-2016 12:05AM

deseil wrote: »

A man will not be happy in a relationship without sex! I know lots of people on here are saying hes an asshole etc, but you need to realise being in a relationship without sex is not normal.

And you know this having spoken to all the men, yes? A sexless relationship is quite normal for a minority. 'Not the norm' is subtly yet crucially different from 'not normal'.

Way to put the boot in, by the way.

nikkibikki · 16-08-2016 07:29AM

deseil wrote:

A man will not be happy in a relationship without sex! I know lots of people on here are saying hes an asshole etc, but you need to realise being in a relationship without sex is not normal.

A bit of patience, support and understanding from him would likely do wonders for the sex situation. He's a complete asshole.

fima · 16-08-2016 08:04AM

OP I am so angry reading what your boyfriend has put you through! He sounds typically abusive, controlling and quite vile to be honest.
You say that he had a 7 month affair and she ended it with him! How long would that have gone on for if she had not done that??? Excessive drinking does not cause a prolonged affair and it would not surprise me if he is still at it or similar.
You need to see a GP about your inability to have sex but let me assure you that if he was a supportive or considerate partner you would most likely have overcome this issue easily and a long time ago! So hopefully this is something you can look forward to in the future with someone who deserves you!

Please OP leave this awful man and get support for your medical issues and the trauma this man has inflicted on you.

bp · 16-08-2016 08:16AM

I had a friend in a similar situation apart from the fact that her boyfriend was amazing, supportive, not cheating etc. Helped her get through it and supported her through a medical procedure that helped and counselling - he is a proper man/ human being. Please call women's aid and a obgyn.

You don't need him and he doesn't love you, not in the true sense of the world. Take care, please...you deserve better

DeltaWhite · 16-08-2016 08:41AM

OP, there is very little to add to the already brilliant advice from majority of posters, but I think your boyfriend is disgusting. My stomach turned reading your last post. You are a little brainwashed by him because you have literally no self worth in your posts and it makes for really sad reading

I have a friend that has a medical condition that sounds really similar to yours and while she had no boyfriend, she didn't have sex for 5 years. Rather than going to get help and see a doctor, she just shut herself off from the dating scene. This girl was absolutely miserable and a nightmare to be around because she was so unhappy. She went and got herself sorted finally and it's like being around a different person now. You need to cut this moron out and go to a gyno asap.

CaoimheSquee · 16-08-2016 11:09AM

OP, this happened to me many years ago with an ex. It got really nasty and I can pretty much guarantee you that staying with him is just not a good thing and will keep preventing you from getting this issue sorted.

I don't want to diagnose here of course but it sounds like you have vaginismus. It's WAY more common than you think, and easily treatable. Unfortunately it is a condition that women just don't talk about yet as it is just assumed that all the bits should be working correctly when we go to do the business! Unfortunately it is in the main a mental condition and prolonged issues with relationships will understandably just make the issue grow.

But your GP can help and advise. I would thoroughly recommend going to a well woman centre, they are so helpful! They usually have psychologists on hand too to help if needs be.

Most important bit of advice I can give you is do this for YOU. It's your future and your life and once you sort this (which you will!) then relationships and a sex life will follow, just like normal. Take all the time you need to sort this but get on the phone and make that appointment as soon as. You will start to feel so much better once you do

Wishing you all the best and happiness

Ursus Horribilis · 16-08-2016 12:39PM

I was reading the replies to some of the threads on here about wives denying their husbands sex etc and then that got me thinking that perhaps because I didn't make more effort to fix this that he was right in what he was saying. I know it's not exactly the same thing because this is not by my choice and I always make sure to do my best with him in this area ( obviously full intercourse aside).

These other threads have nothing to do with your issue and it's sad that you're associating this problem with the one you're having. In just about all the other cases, the husbands in question have nice things to say about their wives. I love her...she's a nice person...she's a great mum... Admittedly in the latest of these threads, the man in question has cheated on his wife but usually these guys don't. They just want their wives to have sex with them and mostly they've not even cheating on them. I've never seen any of the cruelty and nastiness in those threads that is coming through in yours. Quite frankly, your boyfriend is a brute and a disrespectful, nasty piece of work. Please carry through with your promise to go talk to a GP and seek counselling. You've not been shown much kindness of late and this would be a lovely thing to do for you.

LegacyUser · 25-09-2016 07:28PM

Op here, just a small update and small progress.

I finally plucked up the courage to go to a doctor about the sex issue. I got a diagnosis and it appears to be mostly psychoclogical (but causing a physical effect) and the doctor has assured me that with some weekly therapy/treatment it can be resolved.

Thanks for all the encouragement and advice in relation to that matter. I've been so down in myself that even a step like that felt impossible to do.

Ursus Horribilis · 26-09-2016 02:21PM

Well done on this small step. Have you thought about going for counselling?

Dial Hard · 26-09-2016 04:36PM

Clockcross wrote:

I finally plucked up the courage to go to a doctor about the sex issue. I got a diagnosis and it appears to be mostly psychoclogical (but causing a physical effect) and the doctor has assured me that with some weekly therapy/treatment it can be resolved.

Well done OP. And I hope you told yer man to sling his hook while you were at it.

CaoimheSquee · 27-09-2016 07:41AM

Go you! You have done the hardest bit.
Keep with it and get the help clockcross. I know it's hard and you feel like you are doing it all on your own but you will get there

Airyfairy12 · 27-09-2016 09:06AM

I had a similar problem years ago with my first boyfriend, as our relationship became quite toxic I couldnt have sex with him, the pain was unbearable I even got sick a few times it was so bad. As for your cheating boyfriend, ive been there too, trust me its not worth it you need to love yourself more. No man is worth that.

Lavinia · 27-09-2016 02:13PM

You have to cut him out of your life for good and super yourself, the sooner the better.

RoyalMarine · 28-09-2016 10:04AM

He's a complete and total waste of time. Get rid of him and find someone who won't treat you like ****.

Reading your posts makes my blood boil at his attitude.

gaynorvader · 30-09-2016 12:20PM

Clockcross wrote: »

Sorry I don't know how to quote multiple posts. No, we haven't. We tried but it's like (sorry if its tmi) hitting a wall, or there is not enough space. I guess I must be tense. I think the point I was trying to make was that it was not me refusing him sex on purpose. I wish I could, I feel like a failure for not being able to do what's normal. On top of that I know he resents me because he thinks I am doing it on purpose because he has never heard of such a thing happening. ...

This is like calling someone with broken legs lazy for not getting up to get the tv remote. There's a world of difference between a partner withholding sex as part of some kind of power play and someone in your situation. If your boyfriend was normal he'd be looking to help you through your problems and not abandoning you to deal with them alone and then emotionally abusing you by telling you you'd never be able to find anyone else.

Boyfriend not attracted to me- my fault?

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