Uncaring or just distracted?

DavyJones · 29-11-2016 11:49AM #1

Myself and partner, both 40s, living together about 8 years, kids grown up.
I'm really feeling 'uncared for'.. or maybe she's just 'distracted' ?
Examples:
I've a 'medical condition' that needs check ups and treatment..I'm grand but constantly worry it could get worse (and it could)..I needed a lift home from treatment recently..couldnt get my partner on phone all day and she never arrived to pick me up..she 'forgot' to collect me (I has told her plenty of times about it)..even though she was at home that day and I was left stranded far side of city...struggled home across city on buses..(I was actually desperately phoning about worrying that something had happened to her...silly me).
Another time I had recent tests, which had me concerned ...wasn't even asked how I got on till day later...
Can never ever get her on phone, never asks how I am, what my day was like, ANYTHING.

She's very busy in work and TBH the only conversation offered is about her work...whereas I'm one to spill out all that happening in my life... work family friends thoughts, you name it...
If I try to discuss it, she generates a row about it so I've learned just to say nought and continue my solitary life..

Thoughts?

Rekop dog · 29-11-2016 12:02PM

DavyJones wrote: »

Myself and partner, both 40s, living together about 8 years, kids grown up.
I'm really feeling 'uncared for'.. or maybe she's just 'distracted' ?
Examples:
I've a 'medical condition' that needs check ups and treatment..I'm grand but constantly worry it could get worse (and it could)..I needed a lift home from treatment recently..couldnt get my partner on phone all day and she never arrived to pick me up..she 'forgot' to collect me (I has told her plenty of times about it)..even though she was at home that day and I was left stranded far side of city...struggled home across city on buses..(I was actually desperately phoning about worrying that something had happened to her...silly me).
Another time I had recent tests, which had me concerned ...wasn't even asked how I got on till day later...
Can never ever get her on phone, never asks how I am, what my day was like, ANYTHING.

She's very busy in work and TBH the only conversation offered is about her work...whereas I'm one to spill out all that happening in my life... work family friends thoughts, you name it...
If I try to discuss it, she generates a row about it so I've learned just to say nought and continue my solitary life..

Thoughts?

You don't sound all that compatible, she's coming across cold from your description, you sound needy and feeble. If she's shuts down any attempt from you to discuss this I'm not sure what advice you're expecting here other than either accept it or move on to someone more caring.

benjamin d · 29-11-2016 12:08PM

It sounds like all you talk about is your illness and that she's fed up of you constantly whinging about it. That's fairly harsh but I would suggest it's close to the truth.

Is she the only one working? Does she do long days only to come back home to nurse you every day? Are you wallowing in self pity over a medical condition that, as you say yourself, is "grand"?

Fair enough your condition might get worse, but as long as it doesn't maybe you should stop worrying and get on with your life, starting with rebuilding a relationship with your wife on an equal basis.

Apologies if that comes across as excessively unsympathetic.

DavyJones · 29-11-2016 12:19PM

Both work..I don't dwell on my health...I am fine but around times of tests or treatment I do get concerned and do need a lift after treatment...
There is no 'nursing' or caring for me required...
Certainly not needy or feeble...as has been suggested...just wondering what people do when a partner comes across as uncaring..ie most of the effort in relationship is from one side..

benjamin d · 29-11-2016 12:26PM

Sorry for the assumption so.

Maybe she's under pressure at work? If that's all she wants to talk about maybe try to read between the lines or direct her towards giving an honest appraisal of how work is going? Is it a high powered, stressful job? It might be as simple as that.

Maybe she's also more worried about your health than she's letting on and that's making her narky? She doesn't want to be reminded of it so shuts it down immediately?

Rekop dog · 29-11-2016 12:31PM

DavyJones wrote: »

Both work..I don't dwell on my health...I am fine but around times of tests or treatment I do get concerned and do need a lift after treatment...
There is no 'nursing' or caring for me required...
Certainly not needy or feeble...as has been suggested...just wondering what people do when a partner comes across as uncaring..ie most of the effort in relationship is from one side..

You've complained in your op about 'struggling' across the city on buses. In the literal sense of the word that's feeble. You complained about her not inquiring about your tests straight away, that's being needy. At the most primitive level in nature, injured or weak male animals get rejected by their mate and cast out of the pack, obviously we as humans have evolved a bit more but openly displaying weakness is still an unattractive quality to women and probably has a lot to do with her turning cold on you.

Galadriel · 29-11-2016 12:41PM

Rekop dog wrote: »

You've complained in your op about 'struggling' across the city on buses. In the literal sense of the word that's feeble. You complained about her not inquiring about your tests straight away, that's being needy. At the most primitive level in nature, injured or weak male animals get rejected by their mate and cast out of the pack, obviously we as humans have evolved a bit more but openly displaying weakness is still an unattractive quality to women and probably has a lot to do with her turning cold on you.

That's not feeble!! that's called being 'human', he's just had a procedure carried out?

Rekop dog · 29-11-2016 12:46PM

Galadriel wrote: »

That's not feeble!! that's called being 'human', he's just had a procedure carried out?

Feeble: lacking physical strength, especially as a result of age or illness.

Where's the confusion here?

DavyJones · 29-11-2016 12:51PM

I don't recall saying I lacked 'physical strength'..so quoting from something like 'dictionary.com' is merely confusing in itself. One can 'struggle' in many ways...

Rekop dog · 29-11-2016 12:58PM

DavyJones wrote: »

I don't recall saying I lacked 'physical strength'..so quoting from something like 'dictionary.com' is merely confusing in itself. One can 'struggle' in many ways...

Well if you're struggling in other ways it's feeble in the more commonly used definition of the word which again is an unattractive quality. Probably understandable with the condition I might add, but sometimes it's not a fair world.

You put the op up there and the first two responses both picked up on the whingey tone. Don't post if you don't want honest opinions on why your partner is being uncaring. She could also just be a c*nt, not sure you'd like to hear that either though.

Sinall · 29-11-2016 12:59PM

Maybe the constant worry you describe is coming across as you being very focused on the medical condition. Sorry if I've gotten the wrong end of the stick but it sounds like you worry and fret a lot about this - your partner might feel that there's nothing she can do about that so just leaves you to it.

I would do a bit of a pulse check if I were you - just keep an eye on how many of your conversations revolve around your worry about it. It could be that you're talking about it/fretting way more than you realise

Potatoeman · 29-11-2016 01:09PM

Sounds like she doesn't want to deal with/face it. Talking about it makes it real and makes the future uncertain. Not picking you up is bad form after saying she would though. That said it depends how serious the condition is and how much you talk about it.

dee_mc · 29-11-2016 01:17PM

From what you say in your OP it sounds like you're very open to spilling whatever is worrying you or on your mind at all, whether you've been asked or not.
Perhaps your wife feels burdened by this?
Do you ask her how she is, leaving time for a full and frank answer? Or do you just vent at each other, which is necessary and a good release sometimes, but isn't an actual conversation?
It sounds like the lines of communication have broken down, if they were ever established in the first place.
Maybe a good step forward would be to talk to a professional about your health concerns and get some tips on managing them - your wife still has a supportive role in this respect of course, but if both of you are overwhelmed by it it could be damaging your relationship.
I mean either that or she's a bit of a cow, but only you can decide whether you want to try to salvage your relationship.

Edit: sorry, I've said 'wife' here and now realise you said 'partner'!

LegacyUser · 29-11-2016 01:22PM

You want love, care and attention. Are you giving her that, with no expectations she give you the same back? Try it for a while and you will build a better relationship. Tell her briefly about the procedures but not in an overly anxious oh dear god I might die way, just the facts and that you're a little worried is all. Then on to how her day has been and suggest you do something together, cook her a meal, go out for one, a walk whatever. You're going to have to make an effort it's just the two you now your kids are gone, the next 30,40+ years could be very lonely if you don't start to make good habits now and renew the relationship. Tell her you want this. Try it for a fixed while, even suggest counselling, before any thoughts of moving onto 'someone who cares more' as another suggested. That's not dealing with the issues. You have to face them first and work through them. That's first step before looking for an exit.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 29-11-2016 01:25PM

A bit more of a time line could make it easier to assess the situation. Has she always been like this, has it always been to this extent? Have you just noticed it since you got ill, or since the kids moved out?

Xterminator · 29-11-2016 02:31PM

Hi OP

is this problem when you call your partner during working hours or all the time?

To be honest my OH calls me at work but im in busy environment, ive pressure and work to think about, and the last thing i need to to discuss non immediate issues over the phone within earshot of my colleagues.

The better time to discuss intimate feelings, health, family issues etc, is face to face in private.

Thus im asking if it your timing that may not be helping?

Uncaring or just distracted?

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