how do you react if somebody says you look pregnant but you're not?

December2012 · 18-07-2017 07:05PM #1

It happens to me every few months and I don't know what to say.

I have a professional job, and from time to time "friendly" clients or colleagues ask me when I am due, and how is my pregnancy.

I am not pregnant. In fact I'm relatively slim, but I have a spare tyre tummy. I make the best of myself and I dress well. I exercise, I am in the process of getting firmer and as a 40 something woman I have a confidence about myself and my appearance that I like.

I have children, don't want any more, and don't plan any more pregnancies. I am not sensitive about pregnancy or pregnancy loss.

So what is the appropriate response in this situation?

Of course I always say I'm not pregnant, and I used to try to pass it off with a remark like "oh no it's ok, oh just had a big lunch", or something like that. But I'm sick of it, it's rude and inappropriate. This is in a work setting so I can't (and wouldn't) say so, but I don't see why I should say something to make the other person feel better for their faux pas.

So, wise ladies of the lounge, what are some good responses or reactions you've used when somebody comments on your belly?

meeeeh · 18-07-2017 07:16PM

Just laugh it off and say you are not pregnant. I got a few comments like that couple of years ago and it was quite entertaining to see how mortified people get when they realize you are not pregnant. I wouldn't explain anything.

BuboBubo · 18-07-2017 07:20PM

As an IBS sufferer I get asked that question too.

I always answer "No, I'm just fat". They get embarrassed then and walk away. Unfortunately I once asked a woman (I had heard she was pregnant) when she's due, unfortunately she had given birth 3 months previously.

Oops

pwurple · 18-07-2017 10:48PM

Yeah. Been there. It was some anniversary, quite soon after the baby was born, and my husband kindly booked a babysitter for about an hour, so we could walk down to the local, have one glass of wine and come back. I had a shower, put on make-up and pulled on a floaty non-clingy dress dress. Felt semi-human.

Now, yes, I still had a bit of a tummy, recovering from recent childbirth. I was standing in a pub with a glass of wine and this fella comes over and rubs the tummy and asks when I am due. I actually wanted to deck him, and I have never hit anyone in my life. mr pwurple saw the red mist descending and got between him and me, basically ushered him out the door. So, I went into the loo and burst into tears instead.

So, yeah. Tried to get in a fist-fight and balling like a baby were my very classy reactions. Don't be me anyway!

Madam Oblong · 19-07-2017 11:43AM

This happens to me as I carry weight on my middle. I'm always shocked that people are so stupid as to comment. It's so embarrassing but I've stopped trying to make people feel better about their mistake. It's a notorious faux-pas.

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Mars Bar · 19-07-2017 12:16PM

A young child asked me if I had a baby in my tummy when I was 18. Mortified...

leahyl · 19-07-2017 12:57PM

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This! I've never had it happen to me thankfully, but the line above is the best advice to anyone even contemplating making a comment to someone about them being pregnant, when they're not

Just keep your mouth shut, unless you are 100% sure!

miezekatze · 19-07-2017 01:37PM

I have a big tummy too. I always said 'no, I'm just fat' or something like that. It's awkward, but people really shouldn't be asking/saying stuff like that.

Foweva Awone · 19-07-2017 06:06PM

Even if someone had a really big obvious bump, I wouldn't ask them about it unless they brought it up. You never know if it's a pregnancy they're happy about, if it's a baby that's been diagnosed with fatal foetal abnormalities, etc. Not every pregnancy is a happy or planned one, and not everyone wants to discuss private matters such as pregnancy with nosy randomers.

bee06 · 19-07-2017 08:27PM

I thought that was the unwritten rule ,,, never, ever, ever ask someone if they are pregnant unless you know they are. I am 18 weeks pregnant and no one has asked yet. Anyone who suspected went and verified it before saying anything.

And I can't believe a stranger actually touched you Pwurple as well! Someone touches my stomach and they are losing a hand.

Scarinae · 20-07-2017 10:49AM

I live in London – you can get a badge here that says ‘Baby on Board’ that you can wear on public transport, which lets people know you’re actually pregnant in case they’re not sure if they should offer you a seat or not. There have actually been a few times when people have offered me a seat, I don’t know if it’s because they think I’m pregnant though because they haven’t specifically said it (possibly I just looked especially knackered!). It would probably have upset me when I was younger but doesn’t bother me now, having said that I wouldn’t be best pleased if someone specifically asked about my non-existent baby. I wouldn’t like someone touching my stomach even if I WAS pregnant, what’s that all about?

messy tessy · 20-07-2017 10:57AM

pwurple wrote: »

I still had a bit of a tummy, recovering from recent childbirth. I was standing in a pub with a glass of wine and this fella comes over and rubs the tummy and asks when I am due. I actually wanted to deck him, and I have never hit anyone in my life

Horrendous! Who actually does that?! Bad enough asking someone if they are pregnant but for a random stranger to touch your stomach? Oh I'm with you...would have punched him!

Jurgen Klopp · 20-07-2017 10:57AM

Girls be very careful about sucking or holding in your belly like a poster said above. I know a man that did it for years and it caused some sort of issues eventually

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rainbow kirby · 20-07-2017 01:27PM

Scarinae wrote: »

I live in London – you can get a badge here that says ‘Baby on Board’ that you can wear on public transport, which lets people know you’re actually pregnant in case they’re not sure if they should offer you a seat or not. There have actually been a few times when people have offered me a seat, I don’t know if it’s because they think I’m pregnant though because they haven’t specifically said it (possibly I just looked especially knackered!). It would probably have upset me when I was younger but doesn’t bother me now, having said that I wouldn’t be best pleased if someone specifically asked about my non-existent baby. I wouldn’t like someone touching my stomach even if I WAS pregnant, what’s that all about?

On a side note - it's incredibly useful in the early days when you're sick as a dog and need a seat but don't actually look pregnant!

Bambi985 · 20-07-2017 04:56PM

Scarinae wrote: »

I live in London – you can get a badge here that says ‘Baby on Board’ that you can wear on public transport, which lets people know you’re actually pregnant in case they’re not sure if they should offer you a seat or not. There have actually been a few times when people have offered me a seat, I don’t know if it’s because they think I’m pregnant though because they haven’t specifically said it (possibly I just looked especially knackered!). It would probably have upset me when I was younger but doesn’t bother me now, having said that I wouldn’t be best pleased if someone specifically asked about my non-existent baby. I wouldn’t like someone touching my stomach even if I WAS pregnant, what’s that all about?

It's probably a reflection on London itself that my reaction to reading this was envy that you get offered a seat for any reason on public transport over here, regardless if they're assuming you're pregnant or not!

I spend every single morning wedged against the wall of the tube struggling to breathe during rush hour and have yet to be offered a seat by anyone (not that I need one as an able-bodied young woman, but ya know, it'd be nice like!)

Anyways, back on topic WTF is wrong with people. You never, ever ask a woman when she's due, it's up there with asking a woman her age or her weight, just a social faux-pas of ridiculous proportions. What is wrong with people!

Ciaran_B · 21-07-2017 07:58AM

messy tessy wrote: »

Horrendous! Who actually does that?! Bad enough asking someone if they are pregnant but for a random stranger to touch your stomach? Oh I'm with you...would have punched him!

My sister told me when she was pregnant she often had weird men touching her stomach - on the bus, in cafes etc. Said it happened to friends of hers as well.

rainbow kirby · 21-07-2017 08:02AM

I had a middle aged woman try and use my bump as a book rest on the tube when I was about 30 weeks pregnant with my son. Some people are just weird.

RacoonQueen · 21-07-2017 09:48PM

I would never ask anyone unless they told me themselves they were pregnant.

A friend of mine, his wife was pregnant and had lost the baby a week or so before one of the girls congratulated her on her pregnancy. Talk about worst nightmare scenario.
:eek:
This is one of the reasons I don't discuss someones pregnancy with them unless they are talking about it a lot themselves.

rainbow kirby wrote: »

I had a middle aged woman try and use my bump as a book rest on the tube when I was about 30 weeks pregnant with my son. Some people are just weird.

ha - that's pretty funny :P

Strawberry Swan · 22-07-2017 03:25PM

I always get comments when on holidays, never in Ireland. It's often well meaning enough comments, helping me with my baggage or warning me to be careful for baby! One particular idiot of a waiter made a comment and when I said I wasn't, he dug himself in further by saying "oh, I thought you were 3 months pregnant"! I was laughing because I couldn't imagine a more idiotic response. I told him to never say that to a woman again.

LynnGrace · 23-07-2017 08:30AM

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Same here, never ever ever!
I never comment on a pregnancy bump unless owner of same has told me their news.

I don't know what a good answer is OP, to be honest. It's a really stupid thing to say to someone, IMO. On a related note, I remember reading on another forum that someone when they were told a colleague was pregnant asked 'was it planned'... And she could not see anything wrong with asking that question.

Whatever happened to a simple 'congratulations'!

B0jangles · 23-07-2017 09:58AM

December2012 wrote: »

how do you react if somebody says you look pregnant but you're not?

*POW!*

But seriously

, I've always believed that you don't comment on someone possibly being pregnant until you are 100% certain that a.) they are, and b.) that they are happy about it. Anyone that goes ahead and does so is treading on very thin ice.

A colleague of mine was visibly, pregnant, but I hadn't heard anything directly from her about it so I ended up waiting until she sent around a group mail announcing it - at that point she was about 8 months along so it was a bit funny going up and saying "OMG! You're having a baby!" but we both had a laugh about it and it was fine. I'd much much rather have it that way than make a mistake in the other direction.

wuffly · 23-07-2017 11:42AM

Its only ever happened to me once at work.... I work with a lot of other nationalities. I spoke my mind and just said 'do you have any idea how rude that is?' Assuming he thought i looked pregnant, he actually just thought I must be pregnant because I'd been married a year. It was still a rude assumption but they guy still thought it was funny! Same group of people when i was pregnant didn't notice I was pregnant til 3 weeks before I was due and asked if i was 12 weeks yet? (I was very sick and fairly neat but no way I looked 12 weeks)
Among the 'congratulations' I received when I was pregnant was a long long speech congratulating me on finally being pregnant as apparently my whole team were worried about me as I had been married for what they thought was a long time so they had just given up and assumed i was infertile... its funny unless you are hormonal. I had horrendous ache during my pregnancy and I got asked a lot 'whats wrong with your face' one day by 3 random different guys in my building.... it wasn't even that bad that day!!!! By guy 3 I was fit to murder! My colleagues regularly comment on my weight and i'm sure each others, the only consolation i get is if they say i got skinny i know its true!

As others have said I would never ever say anything unless I was sure and even then, I'm very cautious, I have a friend that lost a baby very close to full term and still look pregnant, so I always always err on the side of caution.

If someone were to say it to me again, i think i would react pretty similarly and make it clear its rude, if they are well meaning and embarrassed I'd probably let it go quickly, otherwise some eye test jokes for a a few weeks!

Cakerbaker · 23-07-2017 11:49AM

I got the dart to work when pregnant and often had to stand as people are so engrossed in their phones / books that they don't notice. I'm now really conscious of offering my seat to pregnant women. However in the last 2 weeks I've twice had the "are they or aren't they" dilemma. I've ashamed to say I left them standing as I was too afraid to insult them if they weren't pregnant (and I'm speaking as someone who has been asked if I'm pregnant when not!).

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 23-07-2017 01:02PM

My dad once did it to a woman who was 60 if she was a day, thankfully because of how he worded it and maybe because of her age she was just confused but Jesus Christ.

It's not happened to me but I doubt I'd react well. It is a stupid thing to do and there's really not much you can do in a work setting, that sucks. I'd imagine most people are mortified and think twice the next time, so maybe you saved someone else from it?

From the other side of the looking glass, my cousin recently had a baby, she was 24 but looked younger. Poor thing had to have a puke in a bin after getting the bus to work when she was a couple of months gone, crowd of auld ones passed by tutting about young people drinking these days and look at girl, no respect for herself. She was so annoyed she managed to tell them mid retch that she was pregnant

Madam Oblong · 23-07-2017 03:11PM

Some utter genius asked me when I was due when I was wheeling around my 2 week old baby. Do the maths like.

Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 09:53PM

I actually can answer this because it happened to me.

I was about three stone overweight a few years ago and had a sore back. A man asked me if I was pregnant because of my protruding tum and my hand being at the small of my back because of the pain. I had a pregnant woman stance on me. I just laughed. I wasn't offended. I was overweight and I can see why he thought I was. Maybe I should have been bothered but I simply wasn't.

ErkoRo · 31-07-2017 01:06AM

Oh, this is familiar to me!! I'm 5ft5 and a size 12 and trust me, I carry all of that on my stomach, nowhere else. Plus, I suffer from IBS, so there are plenty of times when my stomach swells and inflates like I've got a beach ball shoved up my top.
I'm normally very upset about it on a personal level, and quite sensitive when I have a bad day and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Or clothes shopping, god, I've had some great chats with myself in changing room mirrors!
But strangely.... I've never had anyone comment on it directly. Just offered seats on the train/bus/whatever. And I find it funny when it happens and I just sit down and make myself nice a comfortable.
I think it would probably be a different story if someone said it outright to me in front of someone like my partner or friend, and there was the added embarrassment factor.

Scarinae · 08-08-2017 01:23PM

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08-08-2017 03:46PM

I've commented on two different women who work in the local Costa. They are both definitely pregnant so I said a friendly "Aw when are you due". It was a nice bit of human connection.
If I was uncertain then no way would I comment.

....... · 08-08-2017 03:53PM

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08-08-2017 03:56PM

....... wrote: »

Even if I was certain a pregnancy existed I still wouldnt say anything in case the poor woman was suffering with a baby with fatal feotal abnormalities and was being forced by the state to continue the pregnancy.

To be honest that never entered my mind.

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meeeeh · 08-08-2017 06:13PM

Well I quite liked it when people mentioned pregnancy. There was no way I am going to announce it to everyone I know I was pregnant but it was nice to be congratulated every so often. Not being acknowledged can be just as annoying.

And I wouldn't be seen dead with a baby on board sticker just to make it more awkward for everybody.

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meeeeh · 08-08-2017 07:29PM

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I don't understand why a pregnancy not being acknowledged would be annoying though, would you expect people to comment on your appearance generally?

I don't like to go on about pregnancy, I don't like to bore people with stuff that will mostly affect just my partner and me (and some overly excited grandparents) but sometimes it is to be congratulated or asked how you are. That is all. I will ignore the question about commenting on appearance and hope it was just a cheap dig and that nobody thinks being excited about having a child is just like vanity about personal appearance.

BTW I had three miscarriages. The worst are people who tip toe around you afraid to say something so that they won't offend or hurt you.

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meeeeh · 08-08-2017 07:43PM

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, ie, it wouldn't be visible in your appearance.

How exactly did you come up with that conclusion?

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meeeeh · 09-08-2017 08:15AM

Right, you are the expert. I am not going to argue about it.

I will add though that the two times I was mistaken for being pregnant was a bit after I had a miscarriage. Both situations were still fairly entertaining.

Just to clarify I can see how coments from people you don't know can be annoying but I really don't think it's that bad if people you know well comment on pregnancy.

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meeeeh · 09-08-2017 08:32AM

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No expert at all, I just dont know how someone would know by looking at you that youd had a miscarriage.

If you do please elucidate!

That is perfectly valid argument if you presume that people see you only once. Most people we interact with are not complete strangers or blind. I don't want to drag this even more of topic so this is my last reply.

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Teyla Emmagan · 09-08-2017 09:10AM

This old bag where my sister worked once asked her when she was due. My poor sister was so upset, she cried for days. I would have broken the stupid cow's legs if I had had the chance.

How are people SO THICK?!?! Never assume anything unless you are told outright, how hard is that to appreciate?!

kylith · 09-08-2017 02:14PM

tbh, it's never happened to me but I can't see that I'd laugh it off. I'd be very tempted to say that it was a tumor or something, just so they think twice before doing it again.

The only time I've been tempted to say it I checked with a 3rd party first and, surprise surprise, she was actually just overweight. I'd have been mortified if I'd actually said it.

miamee · 09-08-2017 02:51PM

Unless I know the person and know they are pregnant, I'd never say anything. As much as lots of people love to make small talk with strangers, I'm not one of those people really so it wouldn't occur to me to ask a perfect stranger when she was due or anything like that.

miamee · 09-08-2017 02:52PM

Thought this might be appropriate here (and I've felt like this myself many times due to bloating or just fat belly)

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 16-08-2017 08:30PM

Actually I've definitely offered my seat or to carry something for what I now hope to god were visibly pregnant women.

Dial Hard · 17-08-2017 09:45AM

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

How are people SO THICK?!?! Never assume anything unless you are told outright, how hard is that to appreciate?!

Years ago my mum's friend was out for dinner in a well-known (at the time!) Dublin restaurant and her husband had organised a birthday dessert for her. The waitress went "Oh, Happy Birthday, you don't look a day over 40!".

It was her 37th birthday.

_Roz_ · 25-08-2017 01:04PM

It's never happened to me, but I would laugh it off and enjoy the excruciating embarrassment experienced by the other person when I told them 'I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat.' At the end of the day, if you're fat enough to look pregnant, what's to be upset about? Lose weight if it upsets you.

That said, my friend (size 8-10) was asked by her partner if there was a chance she was pregnant because her stomach looked slightly swollen and she was devestated and enraged and all forms of emotion. She asked what I thought and I said 'if you're a size 8-10, who gives a flying eff if your stomach looks 'slightly swollen', you're still thin! instead of worrying about aesthetics, focus on whether he might have a point!

People could be more considerate, yes, but at the end of the day people only get upset because they're not comfortable in themselves.

how do you react if somebody says you look pregnant but you're not?

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