Dilemma with female friend. Whats the right thing to do here?

LegacyUser · 11-08-2017 11:39AM #1

Hello.

Hoping some outside advice here would help me decide what to do with the situation i find myself in.

Late last year I happened to meet with a girl (we're both 30ish) who had come to group activities with a few of her friends. Through carpooling to various things etc, this girl and I became friendly over the space of a few months. Eventually we started to do a few things together - just the two of us. We (and other people) realised eventually that we were spending a lot of time together and we discussed it and we agreed that we were just friends.
That was fine then and we would regularly hang out, go to shows, out for food or whatever.

Eventually we started to do things like go on cycling weekend, we went on a holiday, go to concerts together etc. We became quite close. We are pretty much best friends as far as I see it anyway. And all was well.

But over the last weeks she's been quite stressed and yesterday she told me she is confused about her feelings and asking me what mine are. I explained, as I had before, that I'm not really in the zone for relationships because I'd been in long term for many years and I am happy single at the moment. Asked if I would feel different, would anything happen if i was in the right mindset for relationship - I don't know, maybe I said, it's a difficult question to answer because I just don't know.
Anyway, she went home last night looking very upset and on the verge of crying it looked like after we chatted.

This girl really is really nice and kind. She's a great friend and helped me out with different things and we've always had great times together. Now to see her so upset really troubles me and I hate to see her this way.

I just don't know what to do now. I don't want to pester her and cause her more upset but I feel like I should do something to help her feel better, but I'm just at a loss.

December2012 · 11-08-2017 12:25PM

Well what to do depends.

Firstly, are you attracted to women?

Secondly, are you attracted to her?

Neyite · 11-08-2017 12:26PM

Give her some space for now, anything else is a bit mean. She likes you romantically and was honest with you. You were honest back. Let the dust settle and when she's moved on and maybe dating others you might be able to pick the friendship back up again.

If you met the right person for you, you'd be ready to date. She's not that person for you.

Rekop dog · 11-08-2017 12:33PM

Yeah the doubt in your head says it all. If she was a knockout you'd have done something a long time ago. I'm not buying the "not being in the zone for a relationship" bs. Be honest with her and yourself.

judeboy101 · 11-08-2017 12:40PM

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. Oscar Wilde

Tigger99 · 11-08-2017 01:00PM

I think if you fancied her you wouldn't need to post on here. It sounds like she has quite strong feelings for you and it it'd be kindest to give her some space.

LegacyUser · 11-08-2017 01:21PM

December2012 wrote: »

Well what to do depends.

Firstly, are you attracted to women?

Secondly, are you attracted to her?

Yes, I am. 2 long term relationships and between them they covered 11 years including all my 20s. So I never really have been single as an adult until last year. Sure, some time I'd go back into LTR but I'm just enjoying the relatively carefree independence of being single at this time.

Was on tinder after breakup 18 months ago but over time I've kinda lost interest in it and dating in general. I swipe sometimes but its more when idle or bored. I often delete my account and don't chat with matches. Maybe I should get off and stay off it. It sends mixed messages perhaps?

Am I attracted to her? Hmm. Well she is an attractive girl with a lovely kind, funny and caring personality so in that sense I suppose yes, to a degree. But as I said i'm not really too interested in relationships at present. Nor am I interested in "casual liaisons", it's just not the way I am. So I don't really think of her in that sort of way. Is that confusing? Or even normal?
Like I'm sure she'd be a brill gf but I wouldn't get into anything just for the sake of it when I'm not in the mindset for it because that would be gravely ill judged and would be letting both of us down in a big way, especially her.

Like I just see my friend hurting and stressed out and I wish I could make it better but I dunno how or even if it's possible for me to help.

I'm not so sure about the whole just stopping contact with her. That to me sounds very mean spirited to basically cut off a friend when they are upset.

LegacyUser · 11-08-2017 01:28PM

Rekop dog wrote: »

Yeah the doubt in your head says it all. If she was a knockout you'd have done something a long time ago. I'm not buying the "not being in the zone for a relationship" bs. Be honest with her and yourself.

But the thing is I don't know if I would. I was in a bad relationship for a good few years. Then the second was probably a rebound. Just the idea of relationship does not appeal to me right now. I want to be my own person for some time. Right now I wouldn't get into anything nomatter who it was with because a relationship brings obligations and expectations which I could not deliver on and I would only let a person down which isn't fair.

LegacyUser · 11-08-2017 01:30PM

Hmm.I'm going to play devil's advocate here.
I think you should give her some space alright, she was very honest and so were you.And to me that sounds really healthy.
I met my now husband years ago and it was a slow burner....we spent a couple of years as friends, doing the same stuff as you, and one week, I realised that I hadn't seen or heard from him in a week or two and actually....I quite missed him!That was a eureka moment. For me.Not all relationships are fireworks and love at first sight.Mind you, friendships between the opposite sex are kind of tough....I have quite a few very close male friends, mostly due to my college course and chosen career being heavily male orientated, so I don't find it so odd, but I can see how it can be tough to maintain just a friendship between sexes.
That said, now is obviously not the right time for you.I'd give her space but still be open to being her friend, if she is ok with that.

kylith · 11-08-2017 02:51PM

judeboy101 wrote: »

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. Oscar Wilde

Wilde talked a lot of shíte, men and women can absolutely be friends.

OP, if you wanted to be in a relationship with her you'd know it. Ye have both been honest with each other, now give her some time and space to decide what it is she wants to do, even if that means that you won't see her as much.

....... · 11-08-2017 03:35PM

This post has been deleted.

December2012 · 11-08-2017 06:00PM

Your friendship has changed now anyway, so when appropriate, why not give it a go?

What gave you got to lose? Don't say the friendship you had, because that's already gone.

I don't mean make promises, I'm just suggesting you just try it. You might like it.

batmanrobin · 11-08-2017 08:58PM

Give her space if that's what she needs. Don't excessively message her. But let her know that. Don't just cut contact with her, let her know that you'll respect any space she needs. Be kind to her.

LLMMLL · 12-08-2017 01:15AM

You won't be able to help her through this. Best thing to do would be to cut contact until her feelings are gone. If she's pretty into you she is unlikely (in my experience) to make clear rational decisions. I always think it's up.to the person who doesn't have feelings to be the clear thinker and cut contact. I don't mean ghost her. Be upfront that this is what's best for both of you. The "I don't knows" and the "maybes" while may make you feel kinder will just dangle hope and drag things out in the long run.

professore · 12-08-2017 08:27AM

kylith wrote: »

judeboy101 wrote: »

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. Oscar Wilde

Wilde talked a lot of shíte, men and women can absolutely be friends.

OP, if you wanted to be in a relationship with her you'd know it. Ye have both been honest with each other, now give her some time and space to decide what it is she wants to do, even if that means that you won't see her as much.

Speaking for myself, I have plenty of good female friends, I think I can't really be friends with a woman I find attractive physically and mentally. If I am honest, the attraction colours the friendship. If there is no attraction or purely physical, this doesn't happen.

I don't know if everyone is like me, but from observation of how people treat others differently when they are attracted to them I think a lot are.

professore · 12-08-2017 08:29AM

batmanrobin wrote: »

Give her space if that's what she needs. Don't excessively message her. But let her know that. Don't just cut contact with her, let her know that you'll respect any space she needs. Be kind to her.

Apart from being kind to her, I disagree. You need to tell her there is nothing romantic between you and never will be. Let her find someone more suitable.

Prime Irish Beef · 12-08-2017 08:52AM

baffl wrote: »

Yes, I am. 2 long term relationships and between them they covered 11 years including all my 20s. So I never really have been single as an adult until last year. Sure, some time I'd go back into LTR but I'm just enjoying the relatively carefree independence of being single at this time.

Was on tinder after breakup 18 months ago but over time I've kinda lost interest in it and dating in general. I swipe sometimes but its more when idle or bored. I often delete my account and don't chat with matches. Maybe I should get off and stay off it. It sends mixed messages perhaps?

Am I attracted to her? Hmm. Well she is an attractive girl with a lovely kind, funny and caring personality so in that sense I suppose yes, to a degree. But as I said i'm not really too interested in relationships at present. Nor am I interested in "casual liaisons", it's just not the way I am. So I don't really think of her in that sort of way. Is that confusing? Or even normal?
Like I'm sure she'd be a brill gf but I wouldn't get into anything just for the sake of it when I'm not in the mindset for it because that would be gravely ill judged and would be letting both of us down in a big way, especially her.

Like I just see my friend hurting and stressed out and I wish I could make it better but I dunno how or even if it's possible for me to help.

I'm not so sure about the whole just stopping contact with her. That to me sounds very mean spirited to basically cut off a friend when they are upset.

IMO its mean to stay so close to someone who has strong feelings for you.

Believe me I know. I had a friend who really liked me and in the end I had to walk away.

It's selfish to expect to be such close friends with someone who has these feelings for you.

She needs you to either get with her or give her space. She would be devastated if you got with someone now from the way you talk about her.

Prime Irish Beef · 12-08-2017 08:56AM

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

This +1000.

pj9999 · 12-08-2017 09:20PM

kylith wrote: »

Wilde talked a lot of shíte, men and women can absolutely be friends.

Are you a man?.. Are you really saying you could happily be 'friends' with an extremely attractive woman that you're potentially seeing every day without fancying the arse off them? If so, you're wired completely differently to me.

judeboy101 · 12-08-2017 09:41PM

professore wrote: »

Speaking for myself, I have plenty of good female friends, I think I can't really be friends with a woman I find attractive physically and mentally. If I am honest, the attraction colours the friendship. If there is no attraction or purely physical, this doesn't happen.

I don't know if everyone is like me, but from observation of how people treat others differently when they are attracted to them I think a lot are.

No offence, but ugly betty or Jessica rabbit, if a woman has a pulse then deep down, no man will say no if offered the chance of a 'Friend with benefits' offer, imho.

Prime Irish Beef · 12-08-2017 09:50PM

Men and women can be friends when they are not attracted to one another.

When there's attraction....they can't be friends.

Prime Irish Beef · 12-08-2017 09:53PM

judeboy101 wrote: »

No offence, but ugly betty or Jessica rabbit, if a woman has a pulse then deep down, no man will say no if offered the chance of a 'Friend with benefits' offer, imho.

Utter nonsense.

There's very few people I would sleep with at this moment in time. Certainly not 50% of the population. To say a man would sleep with any woman is ludicrous. Everyone is different.

alan partridge aha · 12-08-2017 09:54PM

Is this Car Share with Peter Kay

kylith · 12-08-2017 10:24PM

pj9999 wrote: »

Are you a man?.. Are you really saying you could happily be 'friends' with an extremely attractive woman that you're potentially seeing every day without fancying the arse off them? If so, you're wired completely differently to me.

No, I'm a woman, and I have one or two male friends that I fancy the arse off but they're not interested and I got over it.

s15r330 · 12-08-2017 10:32PM

Prime Irish Beef wrote: »

Utter nonsense.

There's very few people I would sleep with at this moment in time. Certainly not 50% of the population. To say a man would sleep with any woman is ludicrous. Everyone is different.

Very few?! That's the only nonsense I see here.

If a woman is any way attractive at all and it is offered on a plate you or any other straight man (being single) is not gonna say no.
I don't care what anyone says to the contrary.

Prime Irish Beef · 12-08-2017 10:53PM

s15r330 wrote: »

Very few?! That's the only nonsense I see here.

If a woman is any way attractive at all and it is offered on a plate you or any other straight man (being single) is not gonna say no.
I don't care what anyone says to the contrary.

The key word being attractive. I said I am not attracted to every woman on the planet. And I don't find the same people attractive that my friends would.

To say men and women can't be friends is pure nonsense. You are not attracted to every member of the opposite sex.

Also, I think I know myself and what I'm attracted to, a little bit better than you do.

Dilemma with female friend. Whats the right thing to do here?

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