Heard GF's phone w/ Tinder Bing

LegacyUser · 13-09-2017 09:58AM #1

Hi all

to cut a long story short, I was having dinner with my GF last night and heard her phone go off and it was identical to the sound of tinder. When I asked her if it was Tinder she said 'No I've never been on Tinder' and then 2 minutes later she went to the toilet for around 15 minutes.

Trusting relationship, had very few probs, but this was definitely the Tinder notification. She said it must be her emails but it's an iPhone - I have one too and my mail app doens't make that sound.

I don't want to be a bunny boiler but I feel like I want to ask her to show me the phone... not sure what I should do but want to handle this correctly or just let it go. Feeling very anxious today.

Thanks

tony1kenobi · 13-09-2017 10:52AM

1) You can change notification sounds on an iPhone

2) It was probably a big poo.

I'd not worry about it at all.

Lilmiss82 · 13-09-2017 10:53AM

And how does one know what a tinder notification sounds like??

LegacyUser · 13-09-2017 10:58AM

Yep, but she said she doesn't know where the sound came from and didn't try to explain it. I know that she has cheated on guys in the past so a red flag was raised. We have just put an offer on a house so maybe I'm just going a bit mad.. ha!

I know what a Tinder noise sounds like... I was single all my life before I met this woman! LOL

chuckles30 · 13-09-2017 11:58AM

So she could have the notification for her email using the same tone as Tinder (without even realising it) if she's never used Tinder. So she got an email, went to the loo and replied to the email while there - nothing unusual there.

If you still have doubts, find some reason to send her an email the next time you're with her and you'll hear how her email notification sounds....

AidanadiA · 13-09-2017 12:03PM

From having tinder on my phone it also sounds like twitter notifications, Instagram, snap chat and many other apps.

You could ask to see her phone, but it won't help your relationship. She will be aware of how little you trust her and when you see nothing there the next thought that will cross your mind is "did she just delete the app? "

You either trust her or you don't.

If you trust her just leave it be.

If you don't, log into tinder when she's near you set the miles or km's to 1-2 and have a look through. If she shows up she's on Tinder, if she doesn't you are now on tinder and can be called a hypocrite. It's up to you.

LegacyUser · 13-09-2017 12:45PM

OP_asdn wrote: »

Yep, but she said she doesn't know where the sound came from and didn't try to explain it.

Why would she try and explain it? If she was trying to hide she would have tired to explain it away as another app etc but she said she's not on tinder and left it at that.

My phone makes all sorts of sounds at me even though I try to turn notifications for everything, some apps make you change that when you do updates or in order to post pictures etc and you have to go back and manually change it back and the majority all sound pretty much the same.

OP_asdn wrote: »

I know that she has cheated on guys in the past so a red flag was raised.

So your claim of no trust issues in your OP wasn't exactly truthful. Either you trust her or you don't but best to make your mind up before you buy a house together.

LegacyUser · 13-09-2017 02:17PM

AidanadiA wrote: »

If you don't, log into tinder when she's near you set the miles or km's to 1-2 and have a look through. If she shows up she's on Tinder, if she doesn't you are now on tinder and can be called a hypocrite. It's up to you.

Guys, I think this was a moment of madness. I met her for lunch today (we work in the same company but different teams) and I apologised. I think just the fact that I'm commiting made me freak a bit... But at least it didn't go further and we didn't argue or whatever. Think we are back on track!
Thanks for all the responses

Lilmiss82 · 13-09-2017 02:21PM

OP_asdn wrote: »

I know what a Tinder noise sounds like... I was single all my life before I met this woman! LOL

I know! I'm just kidding!

I'd say it was innocent... surely if she was going behind your back she wouldn't be silly enough to leave her phone on loud so that you would hear it whilst in her company. :P

sozbox · 13-09-2017 02:31PM

tony1kenobi wrote: »

1) You can change notification sounds on an iPhone

2) It was probably a big poo.

I'd not worry about it at all.

You can for many apps but I don't see any option to change it for Tinder either in the app settings or the system settings.

OP, get a buddy who's on tinder to have a look. Especially if you're considering a mortgage with her.

leggo · 13-09-2017 03:34PM

Not sure if it's still possible, but up until very recently you could go into groups with friends you have from Facebook. That way you could easily check if someone you're friends with is on Tinder, as only Tinder users came up*. You could check off a really good friends phone, but only do so if you're 100% sure they won't tell anyone as it could be opening a can of worms if it got back.

*Random (and probably not reassuring) story: I once accidentally caught a girl I know out cheating on her fella on it, I told her assuming it was a mistake that she just hadn't deleted the app in case someone else saw and she broke down.

Ursus Horribilis · 13-09-2017 06:59PM

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss this as some people are. She has a track record of cheating on guys you tell us. Has she really changed her spots?

Also I don't buy that notification excuse. Especially as she says it's an email. In my experience, the email notification sound on your phone only changes if you deliberately go into the settings menu of your phone. And who goes into the jacks for 15 minutes, big poo or not?

If it was me I'd be getting a trusted friend to watch Tinder and I'd certainly not be buying a house with her for now.

Rekop dog · 13-09-2017 07:14PM

I'm not buying the trusting part one bit. You've brought up her past indiscretions, if you we OK with this I doubt you would have mentioned it. Something tells me you spend a lot of time worrying about this. How do you know anyway, find out from somebody else or did she tell you?

Also what was her reaction to you asking you about the tinder message notification noise? It's actually quite the accusation to throw at someone you've been in a relationship with for a decent amount of time. Perhaps she was upset hence the extended toilet break.

Maybe you're right, maybe you're not, but what is for sure is you don't trust her and I'd be putting all house plans on hold until you sort this one way or the other.

Ursus Horribilis · 13-09-2017 07:34PM

OP_asdn wrote: »

Guys, I think this was a moment of madness. I met her for lunch today (we work in the same company but different teams) and I apologised. I think just the fact that I'm commiting made me freak a bit... But at least it didn't go further and we didn't argue or whatever. Think we are back on track!
Thanks for all the responses

Or maybe it's your gut screaming at you. Woman with track record of cheating suddenly has Tinder noise on her phone. Are you sure you want to commit to someone like this? Why did she cheat in the past and what makes you think she won't now?

Yellow pack crisps · 13-09-2017 08:07PM

Tinder thing is nonsense! Only buy a legally binding pain in the hole to get out off house with someone you completely trust and completely are committed too. If that's the case, congratulations and if not the case, well put it off until you figure it out.

Paddy Cow · 13-09-2017 09:09PM

OP_asdn wrote: »

Yep, but she said she doesn't know where the sound came from and didn't try to explain it. I know that she has cheated on guys in the past so a red flag was raised. We have just put an offer on a house so maybe I'm just going a bit mad.. ha!

I know what a Tinder noise sounds like... I was single all my life before I met this woman! LOL

Trust your gut. If something feels wrong, it probably is. A house is a huge commitment. Whether you want to admit it or not, you have trust issues. She has cheated on guys (not one guy) in the past and disappeared for 15 minutes after you are sure she gets a Tinder notification. Even if it was innocent, there is doubt in your mind. Get to the bottom of it or it will fester and become worse. Better to have an argument now and break up than commit and have to factor in a house.

Ursus Horribilis · 13-09-2017 10:57PM

I've never used Tinder so I had to visit YouTube to check what its alert sounds like. And I've got to say it's pretty distinctive. Unless your girlfriend happens to have installed a new app recently which uses the custom sounds created for Tinder, then I'd love to know what you think the alert was. When you spend time around someone and their smartphone, you get to know what their alerts sound like. Are you sure you aren't burying this under the carpet because you're afraid of going back to being eternally single again?

retro:electro · 13-09-2017 10:59PM

This thread is nuts.
Op says he thinks he heard Tinder notification
OP YOU ARE PARANOID CRAZY PERSON

OP admits he overreacted and things are now ok
OP THINGS ARE NOT OKAY SHE IS DEF CHEATING

I wouldn't assume she's cheating op just by the sound of a ding a ling. Don't judge her by past relationships. If she's never given you cause for concern before well that's a good sign.

Neon_Lights · 13-09-2017 11:15PM

There are sites you can use to check if you're SO is using tinder.

That and going to the toilet is a tad suspicious.

What resonates here is that you're about to buy a house with her, and she does have a track record according to you. Maybe hold off on the long term transactions.

It may be worthwhile finding out if she's satisfied? Does she want to experiment/swing? She could be meerly looking in the shop window but not buying or actively seeking.

Whether or not she's interested in seeing other men, the modern relationship can be as amorous and complex or simple and monogamous as you want.

The important question being what the appropriate course of action is based on this.

Us Irish are so awkward when it comes to putting it all out on the table. I think it's generally the best way to avoid getting hurt in an age of instant gratification.

Have a heart to heart, or piece it together, don't get aggressive, just try to find out what she wants.

Rekop dog · 13-09-2017 11:39PM

anna080 wrote: »

. Don't judge her by past relationships. If she's never given you cause for concern before well that's a good sign.

If a girlfriend told me she'd cheated on multiple previous bf's it probably wouldn't sit too well with me. I think even the most secure person would be a bit wary after hearing that. You'd want to be a bit egotistical or naive to think she'd change her standards of past for you. I'm sure the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't 100% true but I definitely believe someone who has cheated before is more likely to cheat in the future in comparison to a person who's never cheated. People are wired differently and some just have a looser moral compass than others. That in itself is cause for concern imo.

retro:electro · 13-09-2017 11:42PM

Rekop dog wrote: »

If a girlfriend told me she'd cheated on multiple previous bf's it probably wouldn't sit too well with me. I think even the most secure person would be a bit wary after hearing that. You'd want to be a bit egotistical or naive to think she'd change her standards of past for you. I'm sure the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't 100% true but I definitely believe someone who has cheated before is more likely to cheat in the future in comparison to a person who's never cheated. People are wired differently and some just have a looser moral compass than others. That in itself is cause for concern imo.

That's all true but I wouldn't assume they were cheating on me just from the sound of a bing either. Her past isn't great but she may have moved on and love the op.

Rekop dog · 13-09-2017 11:46PM

anna080 wrote: »

That's all true but I wouldn't assume they were cheating on me just from the sound of a bing either. Her past isn't great but she may have moved on and love the op.

I think OP is so hyper sensitive due to knowledge of her cheating in the past that he's probably overly paranoid to things like the notification noise. None of it points to a trustful relationship and can't see this ever changing knowing what he knows.

Ursus Horribilis · 14-09-2017 12:00AM

It's not just a sound of a random bing. Unless he has cloth ears he'll know the difference between an email, a text, a Candy Crush notification and A Tinder one.

Jurgen Klopp · 14-09-2017 01:02AM

I suppose if you wanted to find out for sure you could always setup a throwaway Facebook account and use it to check. Wait until she's in the house and lower the search parameter to the lowest whatever it is say a mile and adjust the age range and you shouldn't be too long finding out

Frankly the fact she's cheated in the past on not just one but numerous boyfriends does not make you in any way bad for having suspicions

LegacyUser · 14-09-2017 01:18AM

I would love to give your partner the benefit of doubt - but I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss this as innocent either. If you've been on Tinder for a long time - you know the sound instantly.

Im not sure if you can change the notification sound - but I'm pretty sure you can't use the tinder notification sound (easily) for another app.

My ex wife cheated on me about 2 years ago - she used to lock herself in the bathroom while texting the guy she cheated on me with.

Im not saying your partner is doing this - but as I read your post, it all seemed to sound familiar.

Only you know what to do here - only you know her.
Before committing to a mortgage together - do whatever you need to do to ensure she's not lying to you. Have a full and honest chat - if she has nothing to hide she would show you her phone without any hesitation.

Committing to a lifetime of debt and a mortgage with someone is enormous - and ties you together for a lot of your lives. Dont brush this under the carpet if you're having doubts.

leggo · 14-09-2017 07:20AM

Yeah sorry I'm with the people saying trust your gut here. You don't just blindly trust people, that's how you end up getting hurt. Trust is earned, so trust trustworthy actions.

The Apple apps and certain others have changeable ringtones based off the default list within the phone. The fact she said she didn't know what it was (it comes up on your screen when you get a notification, that's an easy solution) then disappeared is VERY untrustworthy. How would a trustworthy person act in that situation? They'd laugh at the suggestion and be like "no, that's my Mam texting me" then show it to allay their partner's concerns/prove them wrong, then might be a bit mad for the insinuation. OP's girlfriend got confused and defensive. The fact that the OP now feels like he went a bit mad is textbook gaslighting. You shouldn't feel like you're going insane just because you thought you heard something, it's something that could've been cleared up in seconds but wasn't for some reason...

I'm not saying act on this, you've no concrete evidence, but it's definitely worth looking more into and holding off the long term financial commitments.

LegacyUser · 14-09-2017 09:21AM

Some of the advice here is gold and I am looking at both sides of the coin and going to apply what I think I need. it's all dandy I suppose to dish out advice (which is why I came here) but the entire context and the various shades of grey here need to remind me to take it with a pinch of salt. The tone very much changed over two pages (and my mood) so I will see where I stand when I see her later today.

She cheated on boyfriends when she was 16/17... she's 35 now. Just as a side note!!!

I am going to talk to her again and I might just ask her to prove to me what the sound was or I'm delaying the offer on the house.

JeffKenna · 14-09-2017 12:29PM

87% chance that she is cheating on you when she has before.

I'd consider leaving the relationship.

LegacyUser · 14-09-2017 12:38PM

JeffKenna wrote: »

87% chance that she is cheating on you when she has before.

I'd consider leaving the relationship.

Can I ask, and I'm not being smart here, where did you get that stat?! I've cheated when I was younger but wouldn't do it again in a life time. Am I bound to that stat? Is she?

lifeandtimes · 14-09-2017 02:22PM

JeffKenna wrote: »

87% chance that she is cheating on you

Where did you get that figure from?

Neon_Lights · 14-09-2017 04:11PM

lifeandtimes wrote: »

Where did you get that figure from?

69 + 18 = 87

Heard GF's phone w/ Tinder Bing

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