Wife visited ex husband on his death bed

IrishHomer · 19-09-2018 08:58PM #1

I'm with my wife for approximately 22 yrs.

We have two sons ages 20 and 19yrs.

She was married prior to meeting myself but he left her for another woman and they had two sons also.

Anyway long story short her eldest son aged 31 called her to say the father has days to live.

She legged it straight to the hospital spent 9 hours in Dublin met all the ex husband's family and visited himself.

I wasn't pleased am I right to be pissed off?

He was a dick to us for years

LirW · 19-09-2018 09:16PM

Personally I think you're being a bit unreasonable. They have 2 children together, they're about to lose their father early. I seemingly was her with to say goodbye to a man who once was a big part of her life and she has children with.
Don't be pissed on her, he might have proven himself to be a d1ck but she had her reasons to go.
She soon is the only parent the boys have, be a bit understanding and let her get over all this in her own time. It certainly won't be easy on her either.

Big Bag of Chips · 19-09-2018 09:29PM

All his family are also family of her sons. His siblings are her sons' aunts and uncles. He might have been a dick to you for years, but his family (her sons' family) are going through a tough time at the moment. I think despite everything he has put you all through she is now showing her class by putting that aside in an effort to not make life anymore difficult for the ones who will be left behind.

He will be gone soon, and won't be relevant in her life anymore. But her sons will feel the loss. They don't need their mother, or stepfather adding to their upset and stress at this time by being difficult or pointing out what an arsehole he was.

leggo · 19-09-2018 09:31PM

Like I understand your emotions, but I think if I was in that situation I'd be like "look he's on his death bed what harm..." Death is a jolt to the system and we often don't know what the correct way to react to news like that is. He's the father of her eldest child and she doubtlessly knew his family well (and would continue to know them in some way by virtue of their child).

If you had to put words on it and be really honest with yourself, what is it about this situation that bothers you? Do you feel insecure like he's the one she always loved or anything like that? Unless you're quite elderly, she spent much more time with you than him, you are the man in her life and have been for decades now. What would your ideal reaction from her have been, to laugh and say "good riddance" or what? And what did you realistically expect of her because she'd have to be fairly cold-hearted to react that way? Again, I understand being taken aback initially, but I think to let this linger would do no good as it's more your problem than hers.

IrishHomer · 19-09-2018 09:34PM

I'm calming down now.

It's been an emotional few days.

Thanks for swift replies.

Pelvis · 19-09-2018 09:38PM

Woman goes to visit father of her children before he dies.

What. A. Bitch.

Are you for real OP?

Ursus Horribilis · 19-09-2018 10:21PM

I can understand why you'd be annoyed, especially if has caused trouble for you. Hopefully you're starting to calm down now. I don't believe your wife going to visit her ex is any reflection on you or your marriage. More likely, it's some sort of closure for her. It also might have felt like the right thing for her to do, so that she'd not look back with regrets in the future. Death can make people see things very differently, even the most complex of relationships. And as the others have rightly pointed out, he's still the father of her son(s) and her ties to that family are still there. The marriage turned sour but your wife loved this man enough to have married him. You didn't say what her relationship with the rest of his family is like but perhaps it was a chance for her to catch up with them too.

wiggle16 · 20-09-2018 12:25AM

You are being very, very self-absorbed OP.

The man is dying.

He was an important part of her life at one point. There is absolutely no reason why she should not visit him if she wants to. Personally I think it reflects well on your wife's character, and the kind of class act she is, that she is visiting him. He may have left her for another woman, but it was 20 years ago like.

She has two sons with him. Their father is dying and they need their mother.

When he does die, her sons are going to grieve and I'm sure she will too, to some extent: I think you need to get your head on your shoulders about that and be ready to bite your tongue. I very much doubt your wife needs reminding of how badly he treated her. You need to be there for her instead.

I'm sorry, but you have absolutely no right to be angry or "not pleased" with her. The situation could not have less to do with you.

beans · 20-09-2018 08:52AM

Far more healthy for everyone (you included) that she get to 'say goodbye'.

If you had voiced your displeasure and she had decided not to visit before he dies, you could be planting the seeds of something that you can't control.

From a purely self-serving perspective, I'd be abiding whatever she needs to do and being super-supportive.

Mr. Incognito · 20-09-2018 09:11AM

Hate is poison.

It does nothing to the person you hate but eats you up instead.

I think you should seek some assitance for your lack of empathy and issues with this scenario.

Neyite · 20-09-2018 09:12AM

Pelvis wrote: »

Woman goes to visit father of her children before he dies.

What. A. Bitch.

Are you for real OP?

Mod:

The charter asks that you post in a helpful, constructive and civil manner giving advice to the OP. This kind of post falls FAR short of those basics.

In addition, we also have an ethos here of offering advice in a kinder way as we understand that people on the other end could be upset, stressed, or just a bit headmelted about their situation and need even tough advice delivered in a gentle or kinder way.

Next time you post in this vein, you'll get a yellow card. As will anyone else who thinks they can post like this.

Xterminator · 20-09-2018 09:15AM

Hi Op

glad yu are wrapping your head around this.

If you overreacted to your wife, children or other family members you really need to apologise and make amends. If you started making unreasonable childish & selfish demands from me at a time like that, i would consider it almost unforgivable. at the time when she needed support most you abrogated all responsibility to her and then made things worse by reacting the way you did.

so i hope you kept this struggle internal - but if you didnt - its time to try to mend any bridges.

sbsquarepants · 20-09-2018 09:19AM

He's dead OP

Let it go - it's not like they'll be getting back together next week now is it!

Cheshire Cat · 20-09-2018 09:29AM

It only shows that your wife is a lovely person who is able to see the bigger picture and does the decent thing.
You should count your blessings!

B0jangles · 20-09-2018 09:33AM

His death might also represent the death of a part of her life - a time when she was young, and when two of her children were born. It sounds like he wasn't exactly a great husband to her, but presumably they had some good times together. She's entitled to have those memories and his dying is probably bringing a lot of them back to her.

Neyite · 20-09-2018 09:46AM

It could have also been for closure on her part, a way to put that part of her past firmly behind her and to make peace with. It could be to tell him something she never got the chance to tell him, or to give him one last chance to apologise before he die. Or it could be just to stand and grimly watch to be sure he is actually dying and can never cause you hassle again.

But from what you've said, it sounds very possible that it was simply a mother going to her sons in their impending bereavement. Meeting his wider family would have probably been unavoidable.

I'm on another forum where there's a large section on dysfunctional families and often the dilemma of whether or not to visit the dying person who caused you so much heartache and hassle is a common one. And a very individual decision to make. And it's hard to know what to do because it's a now-or-never decision that can't be put off. She might have just instinctively went without even thinking all that much about why she was going.

osarusan · 20-09-2018 10:09AM

IrishHomer wrote: »

I'm calming down now.

It's been an emotional few days.

Thanks for swift replies.

I can understand why you'd be annoyed that she's off to see him, and wonder why should she want to do that - he is an ex, and he was a dick after all.

But, moving away from thinking about her wanting to see him, and looking at the wider situation - she has a child or children with him, for whom he's not an ex-father, and who will presumably be very upset at his illness and death. She needs to be there for them. She may also have relationships with other people in his family, and wanted to be there for them also. And, even though you might not like the idea, she might just feel she should say goodbye to the man.

Hopefully you managed to bite your tongue over it. It's over now, and an argument wouldn't have done anybody any good.

Ghekko · 20-09-2018 10:33AM

Her son rang her so I suppose she felt she had a duty to go. Otherwise her eldest sons could be annoyed that she shunned their dad and it could cause friction in the future. She's amazing to have gone and as someone else said it showed class for her to do that. She'd probably be perceived as a bitch within that side of the family if she ignored the fact he was dying. This way she can move forward with dignity and hold her head up. Don't make an issue if it as it will only cause a rift for you and her and the older lads. When he does die be prepared for her to go to the funeral. At the end of the day this guy is no longer a threat to you both and can't harm you anymore.

LegacyUser · 20-09-2018 01:30PM

Regardless of how he treated her (or you) they have a history, they have two kids together, he was about to die so she went to support her kids and also to get closure as there's no undoing death OP. My parents didn't have a great relationship but when my dad died suddenly my mum was there. His family put aside all issues they had with her and we grieved as a family. She's had zero contact with his family since but for that week or so it wasn't about her or any of them it was about the loss and impact that would have. I don't know how I would have reacted if anyone had acted up during that period - if my mum had refused to come or her family had made a stink about it - my head was all over the place already without that added stress.

iamwhoiam · 21-09-2018 03:57PM

She is the mother of two boys who are about to loose their dad and fair play to her for being there

I was at a funeral lately . The couple are long divorced but share three adult children . Their mother died in a tragic way and their dad was a huge support
He put his own feelings aside for them . He drove them in the middle of the night when they heard the news and held them all tight at the funeral .

Put your feelings aside OP as they support each other

paw patrol · 21-09-2018 06:32PM

I'm with the OP on this , he may be cankerous but he is within his rights.

If the ex husband was a dick and presumably the OP has listened to his wife bang on for years about him being a dick - i'd be asking why she bothered her b0llocks going to see him.

he was her ex husband over 22 years ago and lets' assume based on the OP not a good word said since then about him. But there she goes dashing off the hospital....
Posters may think it's the noble thing for her to go but the OP was/is within his rights to be miffed or at a minimum have questions.

Some judmental posts here forgetting it's a difficult them for all including the OP.

lawred2 · 21-09-2018 06:36PM

IrishHomer wrote: »

I'm with my wife for approximately 22 yrs.

We have two sons ages 20 and 19yrs.

She was married prior to meeting myself but he left her for another woman and they had two sons also.

Anyway long story short her eldest son aged 31 called her to say the father has days to live.

She legged it straight to the hospital spent 9 hours in Dublin met all the ex husband's family and visited himself.

I wasn't pleased am I right to be pissed off?

He was a dick to us for years

What difference does it make? The man is dead/dying. What possible good does it do you to be 'pissed off'?

He is her son's father and maybe she wanted/needed to be there for him.

Are you going to be in a strop about the funeral too? Send her off on her own?

wiggle16 · 21-09-2018 08:47PM

paw patrol wrote: »

I'm with the OP on this , he may be cankerous but he is within his rights.

If the ex husband was a dick and presumably the OP has listened to his wife bang on for years about him being a dick - i'd be asking why she bothered her b0llocks going to see him.

he was her ex husband over 22 years ago and lets' assume based on the OP not a good word said since then about him. But there she goes dashing off the hospital.....

See the point kind of is that she does not have to explain why she bothered her b0llocks to go and see her dying ex-husband. It has nothing to do with the OP.

She may have gone to say goodbye and to get closure.... She may have wanted to tell him that she forgave him for the way he treated her.... She may not have wanted him to die with bad blood between them and wanted to make peace with him. None of the above is any of the OP's business. I would very much doubt that she went to declare her undying love for him at the last minute.

And the reason she went "dashing" off to the hospital is likely because when someone is dying they don't exactly have all the time in the world for you to mull it over before visiting.

In any event, she had children with the man and she did right by them by going to see their father before he died. To hold that against her is completely self-involved and small.

Senature · 22-09-2018 12:33AM

OP I understand how you feel. I do think your wife needs to be there to support her sons while their father is dying and in the aftermath of course but I'm shocked at how most posters are talking about closure for her personally etc.
I was in a relationship for almost 2 decades, that ended 5 years ago. We didn't have children, and are both now in other relationships. We see each other at social events about once a year and just say hello, things didn't end on good terms. I would never, ever consider it appropriate for either of us to visit the other on our death bed. I'm sure our current partners would be horrified also, particularly the partner of the person who was dying.
On the flip side, my current partner has children with his ex wife. Should anything happen to him, I have no doubt at all that on top of dealing with the grief etc over my partner and the heartbreak of his children and family, I will also have to deal with her feeling entitled to be in the middle of it all, as the mother of his children, but also because they were once married etc. I'm amazed at how people seem to understand this and not find it totally inappropriate behaviour.
The vast majority of the time, only very close family are at someone's deathbed. Even close lifelong friends often aren't there. Why would an ex-spouse be?
Having said all that OP, it's a difficult time for everyone, so I don't think you should make a fuss over it right now. Talk to a friend to get it off your chest if you need to and help your wife support her sons, they'll need it.

paw patrol · 22-09-2018 07:02AM

wiggle16 wrote: »

See the point kind of is that she does not have to explain why she bothered her b0llocks to go and see her dying ex-husband. It has nothing to do with the OP.

Nothing to do with the OP?
only that he is her husband and been with him for 22 years.

This guy has been nothing positive in their lives (as per the OP)
maybe your view of marriage is different but mine is that you should include your spouse in decisions.
The notion that it's nothing to do with her husband (the OP) is frankly nonsense.

The Op isn't some fresh 3 month relationship , he is married to her.

wiggle16 wrote: »

She may have gone to say goodbye and to get closure.... She may have wanted to tell him that she forgave him for the way he treated her.... She may not have wanted him to die with bad blood between them and wanted to make peace with him. None of the above is any of the OP's business. I would very much doubt that she went to declare her undying love for him at the last minute.

nobody implied the "undying love" bit to be fair.

all this may be true but given the past 22 years the OP is quite within his rights to question all this.
Thats my point.

bigpink · 22-09-2018 07:06AM

How was he a dick to you/ye?

OldMrBrennan83 · 22-09-2018 07:09AM

I'm with the OP, no way should she have gone. Once a relationship is over its over but seeing as he left her and bit the other way around, I'd have serious questions for her.

iamwhoiam · 22-09-2018 08:37AM

Patww79 wrote: »

I'm with the OP, no way should she have gone. Once a relationship is over its over but seeing as he left her and bit the other way around, I'd have serious questions for her.

Not even to support her sons ?

OldMrBrennan83 · 22-09-2018 08:41AM

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Not even to support her sons ?

She can support her son's without fawning at the bedside of the man that let her go decades ago. Show her current husband a bit of respect too. This only shows that any snap of the ex's fingers over the period of their marriage and she'd have been gone like a shot. That knowledge would not sit well with me.

iamwhoiam · 22-09-2018 08:43AM

Patww79 wrote: »

She can support her son's without fawning at the bedside of the man that let her go decades ago.

Sorry ? At what stage did we see her fawning ? Using words like that does not strengthen your argument

OldMrBrennan83 · 22-09-2018 08:46AM

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Sorry ? At what stage did we see her fawning ? Using words like that does not strengthen your argument

It's not a live TV debate, I'm just saying what I think so you can get that 'strengthen the argument' ****e right out of your head.

She was 9 hours there, hanging around his family and at his bedside. That's enough for me.

wiggle16 · 22-09-2018 09:39AM

paw patrol wrote: »

Nothing to do with the OP?
only that he is her husband and been with him for 22 years.

This guy has been nothing positive in their lives (as per the OP)
maybe your view of marriage is different but mine is that you should include your spouse in decisions.
The notion that it's nothing to do with her husband (the OP) is frankly nonsense.

The Op isn't some fresh 3 month relationship , he is married to her.

nobody implied the "undying love" bit to be fair.

all this may be true but given the past 22 years the OP is quite within his rights to question all this.
Thats my point.

Yup, that's right. It has absolutely nothing to do with the OP. And there isn't always time for thorough discussion of decisions, notwithstanding the fact that it was entirely her decision to make.

At one point she had another family with that man. He left her for another woman, but that did not change the fact that they had children. She has responsibilities towards them and does not need permission from her husband to be there for them.

The reasoning that she went to the hospital to be there for her sons should be the only explanation anyone needs. Anything else is ephemeral, and purely her business. After 22 years of putting up with bad behaviour from an ex, it is still possible to be the bigger person and throw in the towel in a situation like this. After all she was the one putting up with it.

And let's be fair: if "undying love" or some other sense of intimacy between the woman and her ex-husband is not the implicit premise that yourself and Patww79 wish to question, then what is? It did not need to be mentioned.

In other words, if it's not insecurity, what is the issue? What has she done wrong and why should she have to explain herself?

If you are not inferring from her actions that even after 22 years of crap from her ex, her loyalties might not lie entirely with the OP, then what is the problem?

Senature · 22-09-2018 09:44AM

Well if she's at the hospital when he's dying she is going to see all his family members who are also there, it's not like she went around paying visits to each person's home.
She has a certain place there, to support her sons. Personally I think she also needs to combine that with giving the man and his family privacy and space to say their goodbyes and deal with the situation. A difficult balancing act no doubt but important to be respectful to all concerned at such a difficult time.
As an example, when my friend was a very young adult, her mum died in hospital after an illness. Her friend who drove her to the hospital the night her mum died sat in the car in the car park all night just waiting for her just so she could bring my friend home when she was ready to leave and she wouldn't be alone. Fantastic show of support in my view, and yet not hanging around the hospital ward/room for one minute.
However, the OP is concerned that his wife legged it off to be at her dying exes bedside and hung around there for hours. I can totally understand his point of view. Can anyone here honestly say they would not be emotionally challenged by that situation?

wiggle16 · 22-09-2018 09:48AM

Patww79 wrote: »

I'm with the OP, no way should she have gone. Once a relationship is over its over but seeing as he left her and bit the other way around, I'd have serious questions for her

Replace the part in bold with "I'd have serious insecurities" and you can see what's really going on in the background.

Honestly... the father of two of her children is dying, and you'd be the one who wants to be coddled?

Astounding.

OldMrBrennan83 · 22-09-2018 09:53AM

wiggle16 wrote: »

Replace the part in bold with "I'd have serious insecurities" and you can see what's really going on in the background.

Honestly... the father of two of her children is dying, and you'd be the one who wants to be coddled?

Astounding.

Ex husband, the 'children' are in their bloody thirties. She should have nothing to do with him, especially when it's been decades. No coddling about it.

Astounding indeed how some people can have such a pull on others no matter what they do.

22-09-2018 09:59AM

Just support your wife. She's being decent.

Senature · 22-09-2018 09:59AM

Wiggle16 I don't think anyone is suggesting the woman needed permission to go, or that the OP is looking to be coddled. I think he is surprised and taken aback by his wife's actions,and he finds the situation uncomfortable, which he has every right to.
The idea that it has absolutely nothing to do with the OP is utterly dismissive and disrespectful to him. He is her husband, he has surely had a hand in raising the sons of this man too, and if the ex was being a d1ck, you can bet your life that had a big effect not only on his wife, but also on their home, marriage and family. I'm speaking from experience on that.
Not sure why you're so insistent that it all has nothing to do with him, I couldn't disagree more. His wife and stepsons are his family too.

KevinCavan · 22-09-2018 10:05AM

You are being unreasonable. I think most of us would visit someone on their deathbed, if at one time they played an important role in our lives. Death can make people forget whatever misgivings they have towards somebody.

leggo · 22-09-2018 10:36AM

Someone made a very good point when they brought up forgiveness. I had an ex who treated me quite badly before, then a year or so after we broke up (badly; with no talking), we chatted again and met up couple of times and put things to bed in a more amicable way that respected that there was a significant relationship that took place as well as the bad times. They accepted that they’d treated me badly and apologised, I forgave them. Now, keep this in mind, I didn’t forgive them for their benefit and to clear their conscience, I forgave them for myself and so I could let go of the hatred that had drained me for so long. And it worked. I don’t want anything to do with them, they’re still blocked on social media and each time they’ve contacted me since they’ve got a short (but not rude) response. I just wanted to move past the hatred and the shadow they’d cast in my life for my own sake.

If her ex was a dick to you OP, that could be part of what’s at play. Insecurities will make us things of extremes, so if someone isn’t actively hating someone’s guts our insecurities can make us feel like they’re actually in love with them. But, in the real world, there’s a far spectrum between the two and it can be quite complicated and difficult to explain. Going against her here and banging your feet won’t solve anything though. Let her have this, he’s dead/dying anyway. After she mourns him and supports her children, he’ll be effectively gone forever from your lives. You’ll only prolong his impact by keeping this as an active issue.

Senature · 22-09-2018 10:38AM

KevinCavan wrote: »

I think most of us would visit someone on their deathbed, if at one time they played an important role in our lives.

Is that actually true though? In my experience the only people who have been around when a family member died were close family, not even extended family or lifelong friends.
Attending a funeral I totally understand, but I think there is only a very small handful of people I would expect to visit when they were actually dying.

wiggle16 · 22-09-2018 10:53AM

Senature wrote: »

Wiggle16 I don't think anyone is suggesting the woman needed permission to go, or that the OP is looking to be coddled.

There are a couple of people who are certainly saying that she was wrong to go without consulting her husband or that she should not have gone under any circumstances. Not you, obviously.

Senature wrote: »

I think he is surprised and taken aback by his wife's actions,and he finds the situation uncomfortable, which he has every right to.

I completely agree that he would be uncomfortable, and that's natural. What I'm saying is that he has no right to be angry at her, which was the issue for the OP, not that he was slightly uncomfortable or surprised. He was angry.

Senature wrote: »

The idea that it has absolutely nothing to do with the OP is utterly dismissive and disrespectful to him.

Not sure why you're so insistent that it all has nothing to do with him, I couldn't disagree more. His wife and stepsons are his family too.

They are his family too, correct, which is all the more reason for him to understand and expect that their mother should not fall off the face of the Earth when their father, who is also their family, is dying. She did right by them by visiting. I see what you are saying, but if she had her own, additional reasons for visiting him, they are hers alone and aren't relevant to her husband. He shouldn't feel angry or threatened by it, because it has nothing to do with him. If she wanted to bury the hatchet (or maybe she told her ex where to go, one last time, for all we know) then that's up to her. It's her ex-husband, not the OP's.

She is his wife and they are her stepsons, but in a situation like this one you take a step back for their sake and realise that there are bigger things than how you feel about it. It has nothing to do with the OP and the alternative, which is for her to ignore the situation, or ask the OP if it's okay if she goes to visit, is ridiculous and unreasonable.
The long and short of it is that it couldn't have less to do with the OP and his initial desire to insert his own feelings into the situation was very self-involved and vain. Thankfully he's calmed down.

wiggle16 · 22-09-2018 10:55AM

leggo wrote: »

You’ll only prolong his impact by keeping this as an active issue.

Spot on.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-09-2018 11:52AM

There is a lot of supposition and imagining going on in this thread. The OP gave very very little information in his post, and wasn't even present while his wife was away so even he doesn't really know how much "fawning" or otherwise was done in the hospital. He has even replied earlier in the thread that he has calmed down and realised he was over reacting. Yet people here are posting with absolute certainty at how his wife conducted herself and how out of order she was being there, despite her son ringing her and asking her to come.

The general discussion stops now. Post mature civil advice to the OP, or don't post.

fineso.mom · 22-09-2018 01:19PM

Senature wrote: »

Is that actually true though? In my experience the only people who have been around when a family member died were close family, not even extended family or lifelong friends.
Attending a funeral I totally understand, but I think there is only a very small handful of people I would expect to visit when they were actually dying.

I think you are possibly reading too much into ' deathbed'. Some people can hang on for days/weeks but still be on their 'deathbed'. Of course people are going to visit their family/friends/neighbours during that time. I think you are presuming the wife was there,round the bed with close family as the man drew his last breath.
My husband was not very good to me but he is my childrens father. He remarried a really nice woman and she is great to my children. I havent seen my ex in years as the kids are grown up ,but I would visit if he was terminally ill.

Wife visited ex husband on his death bed

Comments