Relationship issues

Waysandmeans · 13-01-2019 01:26AM #1

Hi
Nearly with my partner 8 years
Lately she keeps going on about our future? Out of the blue from my opinion
Saving for house,the usual things,already saving as much as I can
Says she needs to time and space to think about things
Barely had an argument in all our time together
I'm shocked and feel really confused and hurt

Just need some advise
Is this the itch or does she think grass is greener on the other side
Just in shock to be honest

LegacyUser · 13-01-2019 02:04AM

Classic 7 year itch.
Do Or Die.
You either move on, or move out, but it's time to change

whiskeyman · 13-01-2019 09:03AM

Are yee married?
Is that an issue / been mentioned before?
So you talk about your future much? Kids etc...?
Are you living together?

Sunflower 27 · 13-01-2019 09:54AM

None of us can categorically tell you what she is thinking .

But 8 years together and you are saving for a house. Are you married, have children ?

Perhaps she feels things have happened very slowly and she is questioning your level of commitment. Just a thought.

judeboy101 · 13-01-2019 09:58AM

If you are not hitched, then 8 years is a long enough test drive, either put on a deposit or try another dealer.

retro:electro · 13-01-2019 11:32AM

A conversation about your future together after 8 years should not come as an “out of the blue” surprise, unless I’m misunderstanding?

Ursus Horribilis · 13-01-2019 11:39AM

Have you had a conversation with her about this? We can all speculate until the cows come home but none of us knows you or your partner from Adam. It is telling that these conversations about "the future" seem to be coming out of the blue though. Are you happily drifting along, not really committing to anything?

LegacyUser · 13-01-2019 12:19PM

Maybe after 8 years she's fed up of no sign of more commitment...'saving' for a house, but how close are ye to buying, have ye any concrete plans ie gone to visit houses for sale, or picked an area ye want to live in and starting talks with banks etc? Maybe she's waiting for you to propose and realises it might never happen, or fears if you haven't done so, maybe you don't want to get married and she does? She sounds really laid back if she's only starting conversations on the future now..maybe you've been taking that forgranted and she's not as relaxed about her future with you as you thought, maybe she doesn't want to just coast along for another 8 years??

Ursus Horribilis · 13-01-2019 12:27PM

What age is she? If she's in her 30s, having children could be on her mind. 8 years is a long time to be together and potentially have nothing to show for it.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-01-2019 12:32PM

I would think after 8 years together it would be a natural thing to discuss your future. I'm not sure by the wording if your post, is she discussing the future of your relationship as to the next step forward for you, or is she discussing the future as in there mightn't be a future?

You need to talk to her. We can't tell you how she's feeling. After 8 years together you should be able to discuss your future. One way or the other. Do you want to move things forward with her? Are you happy just coasting along without any real plans? Does she want children? Do you?

This is the stuff you need to be discussing. It will either end up in you moving forward together, or separating. If you both want the same things then you should be able to move forward together. If you both want different things then there's not much point in plodding along wasting each other's time.

Waysandmeans · 13-01-2019 02:59PM

Thanks for all the replies.
Late 20 s both of us.
Tryed renting with no joy,could not get anywhere,not living together travelling up and down,I drive
She has been offered to live here with me in the family house but insists on our own one.
It's not ideal I know but we can save harder that way.
There is no offer to stay in her family house.
Been in and out of jobs over the years,nothing steady or concrete enough to get a mortgage.
Doesn't want kids at the moment as with the travelling situation and no home to raise.
Like I said she said she needs time to think,I don't know we're I stand.
She said she will ring during the week.
We mentioned marriage several times and are happy to but not until we're settled somewhere.

Also she isn't the most confident person,suffers with anxiety and I think a touch of depression.
Think I suffer with that too.

Thanks for help, appreciated

Big Bag of Chips · 13-01-2019 03:32PM

8 years, not living together, no steady job, no real sign of anything improving. I can see why she wants to talk. I would HATE to live in anyone else's house. Especially the in-laws. And especially if I suffered with anxiety.

I don't know, OP. I understand you're sort of stuck for the moment, but I can understand why she feels stuck too and wants to move forward... With or without you.

But accept that living together in one of your parents' houses isn't a real option.

Waysandmeans · 13-01-2019 03:45PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

8 years, not living together, no steady job, no real sign of anything improving. I can see why she wants to talk. I would HATE to live in anyone else's house. Especially the in-laws. And especially if I suffered with anxiety.

I don't know, OP. I understand you're sort of stuck for the moment, but I can understand why she feels stuck too and wants to move forward... With or without you.

But accept that living together in one of your parents' houses isn't a real option.

Thanks
I know what you mean about the in laws thing
I am stuck,I want to find somewhere to rent or live even if it means relocating to the sticks and finding a job in that area but I think that could be too daunting for her.
It's a really awkward position.
She knows I adore her,I tell her all and the time and she does say she loves me too.

I'm the type of person who wants to sort problems out there and then.
I don't like not knowing where I stand
Makes me feel real uneasy.
Afraid of waiting a month to be told good luck.
Rather be told straight out.
I asked her and she just keeps saying she needs time.
Not to contact her she will contact me

LegacyUser · 13-01-2019 03:45PM

Sorry man, but it doesn't look good...women can be happy with coasting on their early 20's but when they get close to 30 they start planning a future. Right now she's probably looking at you and wondering what kind of future can ye realistically have. She might want a house, marriage,kids etc and you being in and out of jobs with what sounds like no real prospects doesn't really sound like someone she can do all those things with. As hard as she works, and as much money as she could make,, these days, you need a partner that can contribute with a steady job and decent salary if you want any of those things.

Augme · 13-01-2019 04:01PM

Waysandmeans wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.
Late 20 s both of us.
Tryed renting with no joy,could not get anywhere,not living together travelling up and down,I drive
She has been offered to live here with me in the family house but insists on our own one.
It's not ideal I know but we can save harder that way.
There is no offer to stay in her family house.
Been in and out of jobs over the years,nothing steady or concrete enough to get a mortgage.
Doesn't want kids at the moment as with the travelling situation and no home to raise.
Like I said she said she needs time to think,I don't know we're I stand.
She said she will ring during the week.
We mentioned marriage several times and are happy to but not until we're settled somewhere.

Also she isn't the most confident person,suffers with anxiety and I think a touch of depression.
Think I suffer with that too.

Thanks for help, appreciated

You or her, or both of you?

Waysandmeans · 13-01-2019 04:09PM

Augme wrote: »

You or her, or both of you?

Both,nothing steady
In and out
I have a few quid saved but she has little or nothing

Augme · 13-01-2019 04:14PM

Waysandmeans wrote: »

Both,nothing steady
In and out
I have a few quid saved but she has little or nothing

It sounds like she is putting a huge amount of demands on you while doing absolutely nothing to help. Take this time as well to honestly ask yourself if this is really a relationship you want to stay in or to continue.

Waysandmeans · 13-01-2019 04:23PM

Augme wrote: »

It sounds like she is putting a huge amount of demands on you while doing absolutely nothing to help. Take this time as well to honestly ask yourself if this is really a relationship you want to stay in or to continue.

Thanks,appreciate that reply
It has felt that way to me through most of the relationship
Never had anyone say it that way to me
Need to clearly think hard myself

Cheers

HamSarris · 13-01-2019 10:15PM

I think it’s your partner that has the problem and not you. She’s anxious about something, maybe she wants to settle down and have kids, maybe she doesn’t think you’re committed, maybe she hears her friends talking about big salaries and thinks the grass is greener. I don’t like her ‘I need time to think about our future’, she’s giving you a hint then leaving you sweating, getting you to mind read. Something very passive aggressive about this.

The absolute worst you can do here is try to placate her - you’ll just come across as submissive and even if it works, this power dynamic will continue throughout the relationship. I already sense a power imbalance as you’re the one driving to her and you’re the only one saving for a mortgage. Don’t forget what you want from life? Maybe you’re not ready to risk everything and bet all your money on a house.

You are where you are in life, the average first time buyer is 34 so you’re hardly way behind. You’re in no panic but maybe she is, but that’s not your problem. So the question becomes:

Do you love this person enough to take on her problems and anxieties?

If this relationship ends you’ll be heartbroken but you’ll grieve and get over it. The short-term pain is not as bad as the long-term resentment of a partner.

If you decide to continue the relationship you need to negotiate as equals. She can’t be putting demands on you to buy a house while she saves nothing. Also, she and possibly you need to communicate better. You both sound avoidant of conflict and that leads to these out-of-the-blue crises when the other partner thinks everything is rosy.

Idle Passerby · 13-01-2019 11:30PM

Maybe she is just worn out being in limbo. Sounds like a stagnant situation for both of you, living with parents, no steady work or career prospects, making do with a distance between you as partners. 8 years is a long time to be stuck like that and no sign of improvement. That would wear most people down. That's not your fault or hers it's just an unfortunate situation for both of you. If she hasn't already thrown in the towel maybe moving to "the sticks" as you say isn't such a bad idea. If you could pick up a similar or better job away from the cities and afford to live independently as a couple it might be a good move for both of you. But talk to her, no one else can tell you where her head is.

Waysandmeans · 13-01-2019 11:47PM

Thank you both for the well written posts,appreciate both sides.
I am a very caring person.
My mother raised me with a great heart above all other things I guess.
We do need to sit down and talk.
I will give her some time but I need to think about myself also.
I know at the moment if I start with calling and texting she will get more cold towards me,she may be stressed and or suffering with anxiety/depression issues,she never really dealt with things well on her own and will always ask for my opinion or advise.
I would like to draw a line in the sand and go forwards either way.
Agree on certain things and work for a good future.

Thank you all,really do appreciate every post.
I can't help feeling like my heart has been cut from my chest.

Arrival · 14-01-2019 01:20AM

Waysandmeans wrote: »

Thank you both for the well written posts,appreciate both sides.
I am a very caring person.
My mother raised me with a great heart above all other things I guess.
We do need to sit down and talk.
I will give her some time but I need to think about myself also.
I know at the moment if I start with calling and texting she will get more cold towards me,she may be stressed and or suffering with anxiety/depression issues,she never really dealt with things well on her own and will always ask for my opinion or advise.
I would like to draw a line in the sand and go forwards either way.
Agree on certain things and work for a good future.

Thank you all,really do appreciate every post.
I can't help feeling like my heart has been cut from my chest.

Ya, definitely do not contact her anyway because it'll push her away, as you said, by making you seem like you don't respect her wishes and possibly come across needy and clingy (I know it's ridiculous to possibly be considered these things towards a partner of almost a decade but unfortunately this is how many people can think)

Waysandmeans · 14-01-2019 01:59AM

Arrival wrote: »

Ya, definitely do not contact her anyway because it'll push her away, as you said, by making you seem like you don't respect her wishes and possibly come across needy and clingy (I know it's ridiculous to possibly be considered these things towards a partner of almost a decade but unfortunately this is how many people can think)

Thanks,ye I definitely agree with what your saying,I will update if and when I hear anything,if we sort it out good or bad,good to get an outsider's perspective as well
Opens your eyes

professore · 14-01-2019 04:35PM

Waysandmeans wrote: »

Both,nothing steady
In and out
I have a few quid saved but she has little or nothing

This is a big red flag .... wants commitment, a house etc but not prepared to put her money where her mouth is, expects it to be up to you. Shake the money tree when she wants more. Probably wants some rich guy to provide all this for her.

Sounds like she is the type of person who wants others to make decisions and then blame them if it goes wrong but won't make any themselves.

Do you talk openly about stuff like this? Like OK we want a house, but this means we BOTH have to do our part?

Waysandmeans · 25-01-2019 11:58AM

To finish this thread
We spent hours chatting and understanding that we both have flaws and are going to work on them
Spend more alone time together which is a big thing,less time around others
We are going to work on things and move forward
The break has been good for us both and made the sex life more exciting

Thank you all for advise
Much appreciated

wiggle16 · 25-01-2019 12:09PM

Thread closed so.

Thanks & GRMA all who posted.

Relationship issues

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