I'm Struggling; Lost Time and Uncertain Future

Hi All, I am a 25F and I am struggling a little with thoughts of my past and future. I had a abusive childhood all the way up until I was 18, I never mixed with the opposite gender and my friends from secondary school outgrew me I guess and left me behind. I did not have a normal-ish experience, I was a very sad lonely and awkward teenager, and my parents were pretty unreasonable, aside from the abuse; it made socializing very difficult and probably made me a sad depressed grumpy individual. I went to college to study science and began to find my stride in my second year, I made good friends and enjoyed my course, I still had very low self esteem and confidence and just felt so inferior to most people I didnt mix with many people outside my friend group, especially not males, if a guy talked to me I buckled away-I joined tinder at one point cause my friends nagged me into it but I just found the whole experience uncomfortable and weird and it really wasn't for me. I never did inter-railing or holidays abroad of a J1. I worked at home every summer. I started struggling in my 3rd year and by the summer I had an eating disorder. I really struggled in my final year, the eating disorder took over my life, I avoided my friends, I avoided going out. I stayed in the college studying/doing work up until 2-3am every day. I began to come out of my eating disorder a little bit, but I still retain some unhealthy behaviours and traits to this day; I actually feel incredibly ugly and guilty all of the time cause I overeat and whilst I am not overweight, I feel fat, I have a lot of pudge that most girls my age don't have. I feel that I squandered a lot of my college years. I still get pimples and my facial features.......well tbh I look like a man; thats not just my opinion, I've been told it by a few people Pretty I am not.

I ended up hating my degree by the end but yet I went to work in industry in science straight away for a menial wage I am still in the same company 3 years later, my current role pays much better, its a good job for someone as young as me, I am a desk jockey. I don't mind my current role but I don't care about it either and I know I'll end up hating it; it gets worse as you progress, it seems like the sort of job you wake up when youre 40 and realise you hate your life and ask yourself what you are doing but youre in too deep to change. I am not happy where I am. I stayed in my college town whilst all my friends have moved away, I struggle to make friends as I am quite shy and a bit awkward. People kind of have to force themselves into my life cause I am not sure how to even make friends and I fear it in a way, I tend to stray away, I am actually a pretty boring and awkward person when I first meet people until we become friends, its like I am afraid to be the weirdo I am or make a bad impression, which actually ends up making a bad impression anyways. I also feel the opportunity to make friends at my age is pretty small, most people my age I know seem to be in serious relationships and are vry preoccupied with that. I have 2 friends who stayed in my college town, but one is moving away shortly, both of these people are in serious relationships and never really want to do anything as they are normally broke/saving to do something with their SO or aren't bothered doing the things I want to do as theyre pretty settled down; eg go to a club or do a girls trip. I had one close friend at work but she did something not particularly nice and when I told her it really upset me, she cut me off and told people I threatened her (I didn't, I am literally the most timid person you will meet, I told my friends about this and they literally laughed, suggesting she come up with something more believable. I think she was starting to get jealous for reasons way too long to list here). I am done with the town I live in, everyone else has left and I want to move somewhere bigger, I feel I have nothing more to gain from living in my current town. I want to leave my job as its very unfulfilling and I feel I am doing nothing meaningful and it becomes very......monotonous. It has a high turnover rate case most people get bored after a while. Its not someting I want to do 10 years down the line. Its not even something I want to do now. I was a really studious, ambitious and determined student, I worked very hard throughout my degree, I got some impossibly high grades, 80s-90s in quite a few modules (I think over half my grades in college were high 70s or above) but now I am just so disillusioned at work I literally just make, if not even, the minimum effort. I started off a very hard worker, and just overtime I think I've just be worn down to not caring.

I look back at my past tho and I feel I squandered my youth, I never had those regular milestones everyone else had. I didn't have my first kiss till I was 19, with a stranger, I have no friends in my hometown, I feel ugly and hideous and it overshadows my life and self esteem. Ive lost a good chunk of my life to feeling ugly, I've backed out of social events because of it. I didnt have a happy teenage-hood. It was very far from normal, I was at school which I hated, studied all the time to get average grades, was spotty and fat, never invited anywhere, even if I was my parents wouldnt have let me go, they didnt even let me have friends over. I have never had a relationship, I have very few friends most of whom live abroad now. I didn't lose my virginity till I was 24, to an acquaintance (dont judge-I was sick and tired of being a virgin, it ended up being a horrible experience and I never heard from him again). Ive had a f. buddy for a while but theres nothing there, and I just look at all these lost chances and opportunities. Why did I go into industry after graduating despite knowing I hated my degree? Why did I stay so long in that company knowing I didnt enjoy it? Why didnt I make more of an effort to expand my social circle in college? Why didnt I try even talking to a guy when I was younger, try to make a connection or something, maybe I wouldnt be as pent up such a mess as I am now? Why didn't I travel or try all those experiences you do as a teen/college student like J1s and interrailing and holidaying with friends? There is so much I could have done and instead I just went through the motions. I am really full of regret now.

And I don't know how to move on from this, I have applied for college in Dublin to become a teacher; but I don't know if its what I want/should do. I have been told I would make a good teacher, and tbh I think I would care too much (I have teaching experience) but I feel like I am giving up a little bit. I don't know what I want to do, and I picked teaching as I seem to have an aptitude for it, I am pretty sure I could do it well and, not that its easy, but the 3 months holidays are easy :P I would never make a lot of money in it tho, money isn't a huge factor for me, but it does sting a little, and I don't know if teaching would make me happy. I used to be very bright and had a lot of potential, and there are many teachers out there who are incredibly smart, but I just feel like I am settling a bit as its an easier option than my current situation; I do think I would be ever so slightly jealous of my students who leave for college and are destined for great things whilst I was stuck behind. I think I would end up feeling as stuck as I am now. Everyone else moving on and I am just left standing there. I didn't even like secondary school, I resented it so much I don't even know why I would go back there. I probably do have an inferiority complex and I think this would not exactly help. I have been to career guidance counsellors a few times but I find that it didn't really help. And then I look at my friends, who moved abroad and pursued advanced degrees, and tbh I would love to see the world, I don't know if I am confining myself to Ireland out of fear, I looked up the old FB group of my course recently and hovered over different peoples names and its crazy the different directions people's lifes have taken; so many have done different degrees, or live abroad, or work interesting off-the-wall jobs. Some have kids, are married, etc. I took the most obvious path cause it seemed right/convenient. I feel stranded. I am kind of struggling with all this, its actually deeply saddening me. I need to move forward in my life but I don't know what to do? I am also in a tight spot funding wise as if I do a masters this is the only year I will qualify for a grant.

TLDR: I squandered my youth going through the motions, I feel like I am stuck in a rut. Its really saddening to me to realize now all my missed opportunities, and I don't know how to move forward. I feel stuck and need a change but I don't even know what I want to do.