How to deal with radio silence from friend

curiousJudg · 16-10-2020 02:02PM #1

Odd kind of situation at the moment and without going into all the ins and outs of it I was wondering does anyone have any advice on how to deal with a very close friend who uses 'radio silence' to punish you for some perceived slight. I have a very close friend and over the years I'd notice for example, if I didn't respond to a text fairly quickly I wouldn't get another text back for days and when I did it would be quite short or if I had unintentionally upset her in some way I wouldn't get texts for ages despite sending texts. This has gone on for some time now and I have always known about it but ignored it as I found it petty and I just thought don't even acknowledge it as I know for a fact she would deny it completely and also it just weirds me out as we're far too old for that nonsense so I just basically keep texting and being nice until she snaps out of it which she usually does.

Lately however what has happened is that I went through a fairly serious time recently & I explained it all by text to her as I was just too upset to speak to anybody face to face. I got a text back saying that she knew something was up with me as I had snapped at her a few weeks beforehand (genuinely no idea what she is referring to here and I don't believe I snapped at her for anything as she's quite sensitive) and then she finished the text by saying sorry to hear that I hope you're okay. I have literally heard nothing back from her for weeks now since that text - total and utter silence and normally I am the one who keeps texting and breaks the silence but on this occasion I am so hurt by her indifference to what happened to me and all because I apparently snapped at her a few weeks before hand. This issue (a medical issue) just seems so much more important and as a friend I would have thought that her first and only priority would be to support me. The question is this? should I break radio silence again or should I (as my mother advises me) just leave it go now, if she couldn't support me through this is she really a friend? I hate the pettiness of this and should also mention that there are a few other friends in our circle who would be impacted by a fall out.

Purgative · 16-10-2020 02:56PM

Friends are with you and there for you during tough times. Other people are acquaintances.

I'm with your Mother.

Caranica · 16-10-2020 03:00PM

In our lives we have drains and radiators. Only one type keep you warm.

Advice I got from a dear departed friend many years ago, advice I'll never forget. Ask yourself if this "friend" is actually a friend, a radiator. Because if they're a drain, they're no good for you.

wirelessdude01 · 16-10-2020 03:02PM

Fcuk them. Sometimes not having people in your life makes things easier.

Tork · 16-10-2020 05:52PM

Your mother knows you, she knows this friend (I assume). She's advising you to let this friendship go. What does that say?

HildaOgdenx · 16-10-2020 06:39PM

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

She only saw the issue completely from her side, i.e you supposedly snapped at her. Imagine that being anyone's first reaction when a friend confides in them about something significant in their life.

'...(genuinely no idea what she is referring to here and I don't believe I snapped at her for anything as she's quite sensitive) and then she finished the text by saying sorry to hear that I hope you're okay. I have literally heard nothing back.'

It is extraordinary how often this type of person manages to convey that they are sensitive, but strangely they are only sensitive about their own feelings and feel free to behave as they please towards others.

Leave her to it. I can't abide mind games at the best of times, radio silence and the rest. Life is too short for that nonsense.

And the fallout may be far from as significant as you imagine it will be.
Mind yourself.

curiousJudg · 17-10-2020 06:55AM

Hilda you’ve hit the nail on the head about being sensitive I could just never articulate what it was she was doing! She absolutely cries at the drop of a hat, she tells me all the time how sensitive she is and how such and such hurt her feelings but yet she is so insensitive to me and indeed others! Thanks for that observation that alone helps. Yeah people in my life tell me to leave her off now but as I said there is a group of friends plus I happen to live in the same estate as her so see her all the time - I just don’t want life to be awkward now. That said, I spent last night crying over this whole drama and I rarely get upset over things like this so it really is bothering me. The issue I had - I’ll just say it .. a miscarriage after years & years of trying has devastated me and she acts as though I had a visit to the dentist. Her routine now will be to not contact me then when I make contact she’ll say how hurt she was by me not contacting her and excluding her, for her part she’ll say she was giving me space. I know pretty much how it’ll go, my husband and others just think it’s a total waste of my time thanks all for the replies it does actually focus me a bit more on what I need to do

Hannibal_Smith · 17-10-2020 10:54AM

Ah curiousJudg what a horrible way to react to you when you told her about your miscarriage. I'm very sorry for your loss, it's a terribly sad time. For a friend to turn it round and make it about her is really heartless.

You don't have to make an obvious disconnection from the friend. But I certainly wouldn't be texting her or trying to break the silence. I find with people like her, if you ignore them they'll start upping the dramatics looking for attention. Don't bite, she'll never see how one sided the friendship is. Just keep her at arms length to keep tensions low around everyone else. And don't feel at all guilty about it. You can be sure she's not wracked with guilt!

Look after yourself.

Zebrag · 17-10-2020 11:37AM

I've two best friends that I've known since primary school and I've had one friend from this "group" that sounds exactly like your friend.

Everyone nearly has to watch what they say or do so this friend doesn't getting offended and god forbid you have any issues in your life, big or small, this friend will either ignore your pleas for a friendly chat or somehow change the conversation to themselves and doesn't ask you once how you're doing. I've never classed her as a friend as such but I wouldnt go out of my way to ignore her, I just simply don't entertain her. If she is planning on heading out for a walk as such, I happily go along, I just don't give her any information about myself and I don't ask anything about her life, but she tells me anyways.

She sounds exactly like your friend. If the problem or issues don't apply to her and her life, then she doesn't care. It's as simple as that. A friend, regardless of how good or bad life is, will be there to chat, comfort and grow with but this friend sounds like her life is more important. This friend isn't worthy of you, your life, your efforts, your patience. Nothing. They have shown their true colours and honestly, they are doing you a favour in being like this as now you can walk away knowing you're not as heartless as they are.

I'm truly sorry to hear about your misscarrage OP. I can't begin to imagine how you feel and I would love to give you a friendly hug.

Take the advice from your mother and let this so called friend be petty. Somehow they always come back with their tails between their legs when they need a friend so believe me, your friend is the one being petty and heartless, not you.

OP you should focus on your life. Your wants and needs in live and cancel out any of the negativity, especially negativity from people who are self centered. I believe we all have issues in our lives, but I don't believe in ignoring friends who are in a situation of need either so for that OP and from your post, I think you need to cut this friend and look at who you have and focus on those who do care. This friend simply doesn't care.

Alf Veedersane · 17-10-2020 11:44AM

Friends should be people who add to your life.

It sounds like you would only be contacting her for the sake of diplomacy.

I know how tough a miscarriage can be. To be so petty and insensitive and make no effort to be there for you is pathetic.

Leave her off.

fineso.mom · 17-10-2020 12:28PM

Had a 'friend' like this too Op, I had seen her cut people out of her life ovee perceived slights and then make contact with them again when she needed someone to socialise with.
She fell out with me when I tried to warn her about her boyfriend (who had forged her name on a document). She said some terrible things to me and cut me dead and didn't speak to me for weeks,even when I went through a very traumatic experience and a mutual friend told her I was in a terrible state. Then one day I met her randomly and she asked if we could meet for a coffee. In my innocence I thought she wanted to chat and apologise for her behaviour, but no, it was as if nothing had happened. Didn't even acknowledge that I was right about the now ex boyfriend and spent most of the chat slating him.
I let it go and decided that she needed my friendship but always held back a bit as I didn't trust her anymore.
Anyway, a couple of years later she fell out with another friend, broke that friends heart but I stayed out of it. Then she tried to turn me against that friend and I, as kindly as possible told her our friendship was over. I wished her only well and thanked her for all the fun times and said I was sorry.

Anyway, shortly after this a young man who had been like a son to me died tragically. She knew how much he meant to me and how close we were. She couldn't rise above her anger at me to reach out with even a text.
That finally showed me what a self centered and heartless person she is. I would cross the street to avoid her if I saw her now.
I'm so happy she is out of my life,, she was so draining and I only saw that properly once she was gone.
And she is the only person in 51 years that I have done that with so it's not like I drop people willy nilly.
Your 'friend' is not a friend.

Batgurl · 17-10-2020 02:03PM

To be honest, if your gut is telling you she’s not a friend then you should listen to it as our gut is usually the best instinct.

However, just for a different perspective, you say that you will message her repeatedly, even if she doesn’t reply. And that you think her first and only priority should be to support you during your illness. Is it possible she thinks you are a bit high maintenance? And she’s trying to draw some boundaries here?

It depends on your life experience and life circumstances, but if I were to get sick, I wouldn’t expect my friends to care for me. A lot of my friends are married with jobs and kids and problems of their own (especially in Covid) so I wouldn’t expect them to drop everything for me.

Do you have other friends and family that you can rely on? I’ve always found having varied friendship groups is important so that if you find yourself drifting away from one friend (as you seem to be) then you have other support networks that you can rely on for a social life.

km991148 · 17-10-2020 02:11PM

This person has issues and isn't able to be your friend.
If you weren't already dealing with your own issues, then I might suggest that it might be worth pointing this out, but even then it would probably just create more drama and discomfort for you.

Right now you don't need that. Be sad that the good parts of the friendship (I'm assuming there were some) are gone, but ultimately you've got to look after yourself and you don't need that sort of headache.

Maybe one day she will realise that get narcissistic behaviour was out if hand an do you will be back in touch but it will probably take years for that to happen (is the realisation), if it happens at all.

Alf Veedersane · 17-10-2020 02:25PM

Batgurl wrote: »

To be honest, if your gut is telling you she’s not a friend then you should listen to it as our gut is usually the best instinct.

However, just for a different perspective, you say that you will message her repeatedly, even if she doesn’t reply. And that you think her first and only priority should be to support you during your illness. Is it possible she thinks you are a bit high maintenance? And she’s trying to draw some boundaries here?

It depends on your life experience and life circumstances, but if I were to get sick, I wouldn’t expect my friends to care for me. A lot of my friends are married with jobs and kids and problems of their own (especially in Covid) so I wouldn’t expect them to drop everything for me.

Do you have other friends and family that you can rely on? I’ve always found having varied friendship groups is important so that if you find yourself drifting away from one friend (as you seem to be) then you have other support networks that you can rely on for a social life.

Tbf, and I know you're mostly just playing Devil's Advocate, but the 'friend' is the one who appears to be high maintenance.

And maybe their only priority shouldn't be to support the OP but they haven't offered any support at all, which is different from giving someone space.

There's nothing worth salvaging here.

Sardonicat · 17-10-2020 02:40PM

OP, this 'friend' doesn't seem to have a drop of empathy. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage and I'm sorry your grief was compounded by this person's lack of care for you. Please don't give her any more head space. She isn't your friend. I don't think she's capable of being anyone's friend and unfeeling responses like hers at times of crisis and sadness can actually compound our emotional suffering and trauma . One thing is for certain, she doesn't deserve a caring friend like you. Don't let her cyphon off any more of your natural kindness . Keep your kindness and compassion for those who can appreciate it and radiate back to you when you need it. And keep it for yourself as you mourn your loss.

Tork · 17-10-2020 03:25PM

OP, I have a feeling you'll be letting this "very close friend" back into your life at some point. In the meantime, I strongly advise you to think about what sort of relationship you plan to have with her when this happens. From the limited information you've given us here, she doesn't sound like very close friend material. I'm struggling to see how she's a friend at all. Is she really that good a friend or have you bigged the friendship up in your mind? There's a strange needy punishing/appeasing thing going on between you which isn't healthy or normal. I bet none of your other friends have ever treated you like this.

Her behaviour when you had this miscarriage should tell you everything you need to know about her. I bet everybody else on this thread felt more sympathy for you than she did. It makes me wonder did she just tune out when you were confiding in her about your desire to have a baby. I wouldn't be surprised if she's currently lying low because she doesn't want to hear about your miscarriage and is biding her time until she thinks you'll no longer have anything to say about it.

She is never going to be the friend you want her to be. She's not the person you think she is. Because of this, you've got to manage your expectations of her and decide how to deal with her going forward. If she's somebody you can't easily cut from your life, you can distance yourself from her without having a big bust-up. You can still be friendly towards her but in the manner you would be if you met an acquaintance. In other words, keep your conversations superficial and talk about the weather or something. Don't even attempt to confide in her or

Pull right back from this "friendship" you had with her and stop confiding in her. Reduce any conversations with her to the level of talking about the weather and leave it at that. Pleasant but superficial. If she suggests meeting up, say "that'll be nice" and arrange nothing. If she texts, be pleasant but polite. It wouldn't surprise me if other people in your circle cottoned on to her behaviour a long time ago and know what she's really like. Maybe you're the only one who has been wearing blinkers?

curiousJudg · 17-10-2020 08:13PM

Hi and thanks to everybody for the replies a lot of you have hit on a few points that I guess I did kind of know in the back of my mind. There’s obviously a lot of other things that have happened both good & bad in the friendship. My friend is long term single and is very unlikely to be with anybody in the future, she has only ever had one relationship which lasted a few years. My husband would say that I have taken a place of a partner in her life in that I would be the person she calls if she needs anything or even just wants to talk etc I have allowed this almost out of guilt as I have a very happy home and husband of 20 years so sometimes I feel bad that she is on her own so I go a bit over & above. I accepted things in the past that I wasn’t happy about but I did go along with it to keep the peace & also because I felt that she has no one else close - she has a lot of acquaintances but no close friends like I would be. She had her own medical issues a year ago and I stayed with her on & off for months to assist her while she got over them. That’s why I’m so shocked by her treatment of me over this, somebody mentioned that she didn’t ask about fertility issues etc and nail on head there! She never ever wanted to know what was happening in that department. As it stands now she still has not contacted me and I very much suspect that she is building her case of how I hurt her by not texting her to tell her how i was.... she is always always the wronged one. I am , thanks to the responses here more aware now that this person is not a good friend and I definitely think she needs to be at best an acquaintance. I am simply worn out with the mind games & the silence ....I bloody hate silence! Thanks again all you’ve really all helped me this weekend , I just need to man up now

Tork · 17-10-2020 10:01PM

Something tells me the people close to you are hoping this falling-out is permanent. I'm sure this woman has some good points but honestly, I can't understand why you'd want to be friends with a person like this. I'm genuinely stumped as to what's so wonderful about her and why she seems to have this hold over you. You sound like a lovely compassionate person but I think you're going to have to learn how to be more discerning about who you share your heart with. It's not your problem if this woman doesn't have any other friends or is single. Maybe she's alone in this world because everybody else saw her for what she was and stepped back. Someone earlier in the thread mentioned radiators and drains. You're a radiator and I'm sure there are many people in your life who love having you around. This woman is a drain, pure and simple. She's a user, a parasite, somebody who isn't worth the hassle. Instead of fretting about the silence, you should be enjoying it. It means you don't have to be dealing with her selfishness.

HildaOgdenx · 17-10-2020 10:30PM

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Just to add to what I said upthread and other posters have alluded to it, turn that compassion towards yourself. I'm not a therapist, and I don't pretend to be one. But maybe some of the tears you have shed, (understandably) have been for your loss, as well as the loss of the friendship that you thought was there.

OP, there's an upside, dare I say it , to the restrictions we are currently dealing with. I say this in the context of the fact that you live in the same estate. Smile and wave, if you see her. Don't engage.

When you find that she is occupying head space, clear her out. Just don't go there. Stop your thoughts in their tracks. It will take a bit of work, but it will be worth it.
Focus on yourself, your husband, and your real friends.

Mind yourself.

curiousJudg · 18-10-2020 08:45AM

Thanks Hilda, it’s definitely occupying head space at the mo. I took a glance back through texts between us & it really does tell the tale but I don’t even want to go there with her. I don’t actually want to get into all the negativity with her, I resent very much that a sad time in my life has been overshadowed by this rubbish! As you say just get her out of the head space, it’s sad to see the end of what could be a good friendship with lots of mutual likes, music, travel etc but I’ve had other issues over the years with her and it’s time now I suspect to move on. How silly all this is at our age, embarrassing actually. Thanks one & all for thoughtful responses. Off out now for a long walk and a coffee with the doggos & himself ðŸ‘

Katgurl · 18-10-2020 10:29AM

Hi OP,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know you have you your husband and your mother, please draw on them for support.

Your friend sounds awful. Do you have other friends? I read your op and she reminded me of a friend I have since youth. High maintenance, accusatory, passive aggressive. I rely on her for nothing and truth be told don't really like her anymore but she hasn't done anything bad enough for me to hurt her. My other friends (I brought her into the group) find her hard work for the same reasons but know she means well and we all rub along as a group ok.

However your friend has gone way beyond that. I couldn't believe it when I read your update. She managed to turn your loss into an opportunity to try to make you feel guilty about how you supposedly treated her.

Honestly I would cut her right off. And if she tries to drag you into a conversation about it I would very briefly say to her "Our friendship felt very one-way most of the time. I could overlook that but when I had trauma in my life you used it as an opportunity to berate me. This was the nail in the coffin. I feel it's best we move on from each other."

Tork · 18-10-2020 09:39PM

curiousJudg wrote: »

...it’s sad to see the end of what could be a good friendship with lots of mutual likes, music, travel etc but I’ve had other issues over the years with her and it’s time now I suspect to move on. How silly all this is at our age, embarrassing actually. Thanks one & all for thoughtful responses. Off out now for a long walk and a coffee with the doggos & himself ðŸ‘

You say it "could be" a good friendship but was it ever really that? Is there any chance that your eagerness to be great friends made you ignore these "issues", whatever they were. Were you filling in the blanks with your own imagination? I bet you've seen versions of her reaction to your miscarriage before but you either swept them under the carpet or got over them quickly. A heartbreaking tragedy like a miscarriage is a completely different thing. She let you down really badly here but was she always going to do that anyway?

You're lucky to have a husband and other friends in your life. I hope they're all helping you during this really awful time. It's at times like these that you find out who your real friends are. You've just found one who isn't. Please don't let her back into your life.

qwerty13 · 19-10-2020 09:34AM

This is just a question - and I might be very off. Is there a chance that your friend really wants a child, and finds it very difficult to deal with you talking about that?

That could be totally wrong. And it sounds like it is wrong. I just wanted to mention that as a possibility

curiousJudg · 19-10-2020 10:14AM

qwerty13 wrote: »

This is just a question - and I might be very off. Is there a chance that your friend really wants a child, and finds it very difficult to deal with you talking about that?

That could be totally wrong. And it sounds like it is wrong. I just wanted to mention that as a possibility

Hi no absolutely not, in fact rigidly hates anything to do with children, no time whatsoever for them and literally tunes out when people talk about kid stuff. A lot of thought has gone into this friendship over the last few weeks, what I mean by a good friendship is that it wasn't all bad, there were great fun times too - holidays, trips, adventures etc, her real passion is travel and I suspect that I was a handy person to have around to travel with as she doesn't have anyone else really that she could go with. I feel now that because of Covid I am redundant, there are no adventures to go on and no travel so she doesn't need me. Moreover I suspect that she is very worried now that I actually did get pregnant as I don't think she ever really thought it would happen. Am still getting the silent treatment but day on day i'm getting used to it now and for that reason I won't be pursuing contact

ManOfMystery · 19-10-2020 10:58AM

I call people like this emotion vampires, they exist only to leech off you and have nothing to give back.

My wife was friends with a woman for years, she was constantly going through work dramas and personal dramas and so on. And always offloading her concerns to my wife. Nothing wrong with that per se; that's what friends are for. But on reflection now, it was all one-way traffic.

Their friendship came to a natural end a few months after my wife's father died. Her 'friend' never got in touch with her once to commiserate in the weeks after it happened, and when she eventually did, she was in tears and turned the whole thing around to HER life - how she had so much going on, and she was a poor friend, blah blah blah - looking for sympathy from my wife, who was still in mourning. I don't think my wife got a single word in about her father.

People like this should be treated as a cancer on your life, and cut out.

Tork · 19-10-2020 11:19AM

curiousJudg wrote: »

Moreover I suspect that she is very worried now that I actually did get pregnant as I don't think she ever really thought it would happen.

This thought crossed my mind but I didn't want to say it, in case it hurt you. For a user like her, you having a baby would be the worst thing in the world. And now you tell us she doesn't like children. All she'll have cared about when you had your miscarriage is that the impediment to future travelling adventures had gone away. She doesn't care one iota what you are going through.

Honestly, the longer she stays out of your life, the more I hope the scales fall from your eyes. She sounds like somebody who's pleasant on the outside but is rotten at her core. The sort of person you might have the craic with but would never ever confide in.

You have other people in your life who care about you and that's really great. They're the ones to concentrate on, not this leech. And I hope that you still get to have that longed-for child.

curiousJudg · 19-10-2020 11:26AM

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I call people like this emotion vampires, they exist only to leech off you and have nothing to give back.

My wife was friends with a woman for years, she was constantly going through work dramas and personal dramas and so on. And always offloading her concerns to my wife. Nothing wrong with that per se; that's what friends are for. But on reflection now, it was all one-way traffic.

Their friendship came to a natural end a few months after my wife's father died. Her 'friend' never got in touch with her once to commiserate in the weeks after it happened, and when she eventually did, she was in tears and turned the whole thing around to HER life - how she had so much going on, and she was a poor friend, blah blah blah - looking for sympathy from my wife, who was still in mourning. I don't think my wife got a single word in about her father.

People like this should be treated as a cancer on your life, and cut out.

I can very much relate to this! I've been quite lucky I guess in that I have realistically had very little issues/traumas etc such as deaths, illness or situations where I needed backup.... until now which is why I'm shocked at how I was treated.

curiousJudg · 19-10-2020 11:30AM

Tork wrote: »

You have other people in your life who care about you and that's really great. They're the ones to concentrate on, not this leech. And I hope that you still get to have that longed-for child.

Thanks Tork, appreciate it -I am very lucky with what I have, onwards and upwards

rainbowtrout · 19-10-2020 05:23PM

curiousJudg wrote: »

Hi no absolutely not, in fact rigidly hates anything to do with children, no time whatsoever for them and literally tunes out when people talk about kid stuff. A lot of thought has gone into this friendship over the last few weeks, what I mean by a good friendship is that it wasn't all bad, there were great fun times too - holidays, trips, adventures etc, her real passion is travel and I suspect that I was a handy person to have around to travel with as she doesn't have anyone else really that she could go with. I feel now that because of Covid I am redundant, there are no adventures to go on and no travel so she doesn't need me. Moreover I suspect that she is very worried now that I actually did get pregnant as I don't think she ever really thought it would happen. Am still getting the silent treatment but day on day i'm getting used to it now and for that reason I won't be pursuing contact

She may genuinely have no interest in kids, but it might also be a case that because she is perennially single it's not something that she wants to have conversations about because there is no chance of her having any in the foreseeable future.

I think you need to stop thinking of her giving you the silent treatment. She probably is, but you are still thinking about it and giving her control of the situation, that you would be in contact with her if she chose to grace you with a reply. Start thinking about the fact that you will be distancing yourself from her, and if you do have her in your life in any capacity that it will be on your terms and not hers.

Stop thinking 'she's giving me the silent treatment', and start thinking 'this is someone I need to give a wide berth because they are a drain on my time and good nature'.

HildaOgdenx · 19-10-2020 05:41PM

And just to add to what pp said, I would also delete all messages. It's dragging you back into the past, rereading them. You're still putting her 'in charge'. She isn't. You are.

Practise saying something in your head when you find yourself ruminating over how she has acted. Even something like 'not now' when you feel yourself drifting. And actively turn your thoughts to something else.

Make yourself do something, anything, make a cuppa, clean a window, do a handstand, whatever, so that you are consciously stopping the rumination in its tracks.

I want to echo what others have said, that I hope you will have a successful pregnancy, in the near future.

ILoveYourVibes · 20-10-2020 02:39AM

She/he is not a real friend.

bitofabind · 21-10-2020 05:16PM

Hi OP. First of all, let me express my condolences on your loss. That's such a difficult grief to go through.

Your friendship with this woman sounds really unhealthy and codependent. With you running rings around her, moving in with her when she was sick, taking the place of a partner, and her giving the total sum of nothing in return. No emotional support, not even a text when you're at your lowest ebb.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to take a step back from her and try to analyse why this dynamic has developed. This woman contributes no friendship, no emotional support, love, kindness or consideration towards your life whatsoever. Other people seemed to have read her very well and given her the swerve, why haven't you? Is there a chance you're transferring the grief and pain of your recent loss onto this friendship, as it's a sort of easier pain to deal with?

If you look back objectively on this friendship, you'll see that her silence now is entirely predictable, she's never been a friend to you. It's always been a one-way street. To use an analogy - would you walk into a Thai restaurant and try to order Mexican food? Of course not, it's not on the menu. So why then expect love and support from someone that has never demonstrated a capability of that towards you?

Cut her out. Listen to your husband. And surround yourself with the people that have stood the test of time with you - your partner, family, other friends. Stop trying to force a friendship with someone just because you've known them for a long time and have mutual friends. You're allowed to assert your boundaries and say no to things that hurt you consistently, what anyone else has to say is completely irrelevant and none of your business. Try now to spend this time dealing with your loss, grieving and seeking the support where it's available. I wish you the very best.

happyday · 22-10-2020 03:58PM

HildaOgdenx wrote: »

And just to add to what pp said, I would also delete all messages. It's dragging you back into the past, rereading them. You're still putting her 'in charge'. She isn't. You are.

Practise saying something in your head when you find yourself ruminating over how she has acted. Even something like 'not now' when you feel yourself drifting. And actively turn your thoughts to something else.

Make yourself do something, anything, make a cuppa, clean a window, do a handstand, whatever, so that you are consciously stopping the rumination in its tracks.

I want to echo what others have said, that I hope you will have a successful pregnancy, in the near future.

Hilda your posts make a lot of sense. This sounds like a very good tactic and I think I'll try it myself for people who take up too much of my headspace.

Jequ0n · 22-10-2020 05:44PM

Normally I’d say keep the messages saved somewhere in case the person resurfaces and tries to twist your words/ memories.
You seem to have made up your mind though and people around you who will remind you why you should not even engage in any conversation again. She knows your pressure points so don’t engage at all.

JustAThought · 30-10-2020 06:14PM

OP I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and the tragedy of this for your family and long standing dreams and hopes.

It could be that like many people your ‘friend’ is just really unable to express her feelings of remorse and sympathy properly and is hiding behind ‘giving you time’ to avoid having to discuss extremely difficult emotions or subject matter with you. I was brought up never to comment on or discuss with women fertility issues and the 1990’s style of avoiding serious subjects but showing that you know and care by saying that - and giving space. Or avoiding fraught and difficult subjects. You’d think I was reared by wolves but it is a ‘stiff upper lip’ kind of upbringing that many people have had - sadly.

I know its not the kind of support you would offer or give, but perhaps it is all she is cabable of giving - and thinks that by giving you space to grieve and be with your husband grieving together that she is mot being intrusive, disrespectful, voyeuristic or gossipy. He/ She might be good at moaning but not so versed in offering practical comfort or soothing words - a failure in her part but it does jot mean she dosn’t care or have empathy - just that she cannot express it or is dreadful at gauging how to and thinks adknowledging it and giving space is sufficient - when it obviously in 2020 - isn’t.

I am so very sorry about your little, much loved, wanted, and wished for baby and your loss and pain.

440Hertz · 02-11-2020 02:02AM

I'm very sorry about your loss and send my condolences.

Speaking from personal experience, I would just be polite and friendly but forget about them. Anyone who uses the silent treatment to punish someone is manipulative. You'll always be in the wrong and they will keep you walking on eggshells and they will keep finding more and more problems.

A friend will be there for you and with you, and there's a mutual understanding of each other. It's not about controlling the other person, which seems to be what's going on here.

I wouldn't cause a conflict or be rude, but I wouldn't bother endulging radios silence by even noticing them and I would revaluate the relationship. Sometimes you're better off letting some friendships fizzle out.

curiousJudg · 02-08-2022 11:26AM

Haven't logged into this account for a while but thought I might just re-acctivate this old thread rather than start a new one - I didn't think i'd have to ask advice again about this person. Long story short following the issue I discussed on this thread I pulled back completely, helped [1] by the advice given here but [2] by her horrific reaction to an incredibly close friend of mine's sudden illness and very quick death (she actually managed to make it about herself again) anyway I cut off contact, other than a wave or a hello in the estate that was it. I made damn sure that I didn't go bitching to any mutual friends, when they asked what happened I just said we has a disagreement and we decided not to be friends - I went out of my way to not bitch about her -I did my bitching on boards.ie instead!. Anyway so we're about a year and a half later and we've not communicated in any friendship type way but I met a mutual friend and because of Covid I hadn't actually seen them for a over a year, she informed me that my old friend told her and others that I'm gay and that the reason we are no longer friends is because i'm trying to stay married etc etc - kind of making out that there was something sexual between us?? So look, here it is, I don't think there is anything wrong with being gay, I have no hang ups in that regard, however I am not gay nor have I ever ever been inclined that way (she is gay btw) -I am loath to start a fight with her or even to communicate with her about this as I don't want to give her head space, I also don't want to get mutual friends into trouble for telling me but I hate the fact that she is lying about me and then there is the 'me think she doth protest too much' angle..... husband says just let it go, blank her out of my mind but I'm pretty mad over it all - I thought we'd all moved in in an adult kind of way. So should I say something to her or just leave it?

Jequ0n · 02-08-2022 01:23PM

You should be amused by her pathetic attempts to badmouth you. Her reasoning made no sense, and this won’t be lost on those she told the story to. You can also be sure that you won’t be the only person in your circle of friends who has experienced her behaviour. Just ignore her and do not get baited into reacting to her nonsense.

”the woman sounds like a sociopath. Id continue to steer well clear.” And, OP, ignore this sort of unqualified nonsense

oceanman · 02-08-2022 01:27PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058122622/how-to-deal-with-radio-silence-from-friend

this person is not your friend.....walk away and dont look back.

Dial Hard · 02-08-2022 01:27PM

I think she's recruited your friend as an inadvertent "flying monkey" in an attempt to provoke you into making contact. Laugh it off as the amateur-hour tactic it is and continue to ignore her.

HildaOgdenx · 02-08-2022 02:00PM

Agree with pp. What would be achieved by saying anything to her? She would be dragging you back into her ridiculous mind games.

I would keep the high ground, if I were you. If anyone mentions that she said you were gay, I would say 'that was news to me alright, and definitely news to himself haha'.

It's an attempt to provoke you into a response, imo. Ignore.

Sardonicat · 02-08-2022 02:02PM

Agree with above. Make no attempt to contact her, she is trying to draw you into a conflict in an attempt to smear you further. If anyone else brings up this ridiculous story make a point of laughing and say you can't wait to tell your husband cos it will give him a good laugh. Any further attempts to draw you into a conversation about her shut down straight away "I'm not giving a feckin eejit like that any headspace". She's a very damaged person, don't engage with her or in conversation about her with anyone else.

Jafin · 02-08-2022 02:06PM

What in the actual f**k is wrong with this woman? Even if you were gay, which you're not, she should know as a gay woman herself that it is NEVER ok to out someone. She is clearly pissed that you cut contact and she is acting out. This is teenage level stuff, like really juvenile. When I was in secondary school my friend and I got into a fight and I told him I didn't want to be friends anymore. He went around telling everyone that I kept trying to be friends with him and that he kept saying no. His ego was hurt. He was used to being Mr. Popularity and couldn't handle the rejection. Sounds like your friend may be the same. You are well rid of her.

Take your husband's advice, and the advice of others here - don't engage with her, and if any mutual friends come to you with this "she said you're gay and wanted to be with her" story tell them it's all a lie.

bottlebrush · 02-08-2022 02:10PM

Leave it. The best reaction is no reaction. This person thrives on drama so don't get back on the stage with her.

Sounds to me like you're the scapegoat for all sorts of issues she has in her life. If you bow out, you'll be easily replaced with somebody else, unfortunately for them. She's likely deeply envious of what you have or what you are so she's trying to sabotage what you've got to make herself feel better. Keep stum and don't fuel her fire.

curiousJudg · 02-08-2022 02:13PM

Yeah looks like the consensus is to ignore it - it's genuinely not the calling me gay that bother's me - it's the fact that in my opinion she's trying to allude to the fact that the friendship broke up because of it i.e it was more than friends etc or could have been more than friends and i 'opted out' in order to stay married - she takes no responsibility for anything. The friendship broke up because of the reasons I mentioned much earlier & her total disrespect of my husband etc. Ahhh look i'm annoyed that i'm even bothered by it - i kept a social media friendship with her up to this point but I think i'll just have to cut off everything now. You guys are right though - those friends that know me know the truth, she's telling people that don't know me as well so i guess they'll think what they want. So efffing teenagerish. As usual thanks for the advice guys i'm gonna work hard the next few days to not get riled by it

curiousJudg · 02-08-2022 02:14PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119419209#Comment_119419209

that's what my husband thinks as well - says she's really that lonely that any attention will do

Sardonicat · 02-08-2022 02:21PM

Most people she has regular contact with will understand the type of individual they are dealing with fairly quickly and pull back or completely cut her off. I find with people like this, their long term friends are of a similar ilk and are no loss to you and their opinions about you count for nought. Don't be just thinking about blocking her on SM - do it. Don't give her any window into your life. Any information she can get about you on SM can be used to support her lies so shut her out everywhere.

curiousJudg · 02-08-2022 02:31PM

Yeah i left the social media things open because i was trying to be grown up about it - didn't want other people wondering why we're not friends etc - just keep the drama out of it really but that was probably a mistake - i guess i need now to just shut it all down - she doesn't have good intentions towards me that's obvious

curiousJudg · 02-08-2022 02:38PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119419439#Comment_119419439

yeah never thought of it that way in fairness - she has form for it to be honest but I never really thought about it, she would just tell me about people (who I didn't know well or at all ) that they were actually gay either the husband or the wife etc & I just assumed she knew that this was the case obviously now I think a little differently about it. This will sound strange - she's a gay woman but I honestly think she hates the fact that she's gay, she's lonely, she doesn't have any success really in meeting people, she seems to almost resent it, has no time for lets say other member of LGBTQ eg trans or gay men. It's all stuff I haven't thought of for a long time - that's why I hate that she's back in my head again.

Sardonicat · 02-08-2022 02:38PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119419550#Comment_119419550

Why would your friends know if you block her? And if they do enquire just tell them she's not someone you want to be friends with.

Jequ0n · 02-08-2022 02:39PM

Might be worth checking that you have your privacy settings set up correctly so that others can’t tag you without your permission. You don’t have to be an expert to keep some visibility of a person’s sm profiles.

How to deal with radio silence from friend

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