Me (Male, Late Twenties) & Her (Female, Early/Mid Twenties) - Dealing with difference

LegacyUser · 11-11-2020 03:26PM #1

Hi there,

I'm in my late twenties and my girlfriend is in her early-to-mid twenties. We're together just over 7 months. Prior to this I have only ever been in one other relationship which lasted 5 months. I had casual interests before that but nothing serious. I was kind of a late bloomer in the relationship/girlfriend department. I was always older than my age growing up but I put my focus on college/work for most of my twenties and to be honest I was always a little shy/awkward with the whole thing. It's only in the last few years that I realised whats important in life and re-shifted my focus. I got over my awkwardness around dating and relationships by working on myself and with time. Anyway, that's beside the point, just explaining for context. Main point; I don't have a huge amount of experience with the whole dating/relationship thing hence why I am about to ask what is probably a silly question or something usually asked by someone much younger than me, but;

I am wondering how to deal with some things that have come up. My Girlfriend and I have some similar interests and styles, as well as general plans for the future hence why we matched in the first place. There's love and attraction there on both sides. However, over the last few months we have noticed some differences, which is of course fine, you're never going to find someone that you match with 100% (and that would probably be boring too right ?!). I like Christmas (and everything therein), she doesn't at all. I like taking holidays to sunny/tropical destinations, sitting by a pool and relaxing, she doesn't like the heat and prefers cabins in a forest kinda thing. I like to unwind with Netflix / a movie or just some sofa time, she isn't big in to the TV at all. I like to go out every once in a while to a nice restaurant or to the cinema, she's not big on "big fancy things" like that. She plans to live in a particular town for the foreseeable future whereas I have different ideas of where to move to.

I fully expected to adjust/change a little for any new relationship, partly I just need to get over myself a little as I had been used to my own thing for so long, I'm just unsure if me changing / adjusting certain aspects of my life is me sacrificing the things that make me, me or if it's a good thing generally.

She does appear to be open to compromise and of course so am I but I am just wondering if these are things to compromise on or are they telling of just being incompatible as a couple ?

I guess I am just trying to understand if it's ok to change certain things for a relationship?

Thank you

LLMMLL · 11-11-2020 07:03PM

Not sure there's an answer to your question as I know great couples with major differences and other couples who broke up over these kinds of things.

The only thing in your list that really stands out is differences over where you might live. You might also want to check out each other's attitudes around kids at some point.

LegacyUser · 11-11-2020 10:05PM

I think you know the answer to your questions already. I've been with my husband since we were 18. We had alot of similar interests that's kinda what creates the flow of a relationship. Differences are of course good but I think give it another month or so and if those differences are becoming more and more apparent then I'd say call it a day, use it as a life experience and find someone else who best suits you as a person.

Xterminator · 12-11-2020 11:06AM

Hi Latebloomer.

The important thing is the things that bring you together, the level of commitment, and the communication within the relationship so that you can be honest with each other about what is working and what is causing issues. If you are both very happy to be together, and committed to making it work then there is no reason why you cannot have a great relationship.

Acknowledging when things are not ideal, and being willing to make accommodation/compromise is important for all relationships but perhaps even more important in one where you have concerns at the start.

I would never walk away from a partner i wanted to be with, and who wanted to be with me, without trying. Most relationships don't work out, it you look at it in the cold light of day. But we don't go around refusing to have any relationships. Going in with your eyes open, with realistic expectations is needed, but to walk away because something might not work, is a mindset that will lead to self fulfilling prophecy!

There are so many posts on this forum about people who are just crying out for someone to share their lives/love/time with. Don't dismiss what you have!

leggo · 12-11-2020 07:41PM

The only thing you need to do here OP is to acknowledge and be honest about how you're feeling. No amount of analysis will be able to predict this, this is exactly why we date: to get to know someone, to test these things out and see if it can work. If you try analyse and think it to death, all that will happen is you'll end up making the thing you fear play out.

So yeah, keep going as you are, try accommodate each other to the point you're both happy, and if you're not happy in a situation then acknowledge that and create a safe space for her to do so too. Relationships end all the time and both people end up fine, that's an acceptable consequence from this. So there's no point in either of you forcing yourselves to be unhappy or not have the life you want. If you can find a middle ground, great, often people's ideal life plans change and they realise that in reality *this* is actually what you want. If you try and find yourself unhappy, that's fine too. Just don't lose yourself and stay in a situation one or both of you aren't happy for the sake of not being alone or losing the other person.

The chan chan man · 13-11-2020 12:05AM

She doesn’t like Christmas, holidays, restaurants, cinema, nights out, watching TV or sitting on the sofa.... Best of luck with that now...

adomack1965 · 16-11-2020 08:55PM

The important thing in a relationship is not what your differences are but how you allow each other to express those differences fully and how you accommodate each other s difference. This is
normal in a relationship , there are no perfect couples. Fight for what brought you together and work through the other stuff.

LateBloomer wrote: »

Hi there,

I'm in my late twenties and my girlfriend is in her early-to-mid twenties. We're together just over 7 months. Prior to this I have only ever been in one other relationship which lasted 5 months. I had casual interests before that but nothing serious. I was kind of a late bloomer in the relationship/girlfriend department. I was always older than my age growing up but I put my focus on college/work for most of my twenties and to be honest I was always a little shy/awkward with the whole thing. It's only in the last few years that I realised whats important in life and re-shifted my focus. I got over my awkwardness around dating and relationships by working on myself and with time. Anyway, that's beside the point, just explaining for context. Main point; I don't have a huge amount of experience with the whole dating/relationship thing hence why I am about to ask what is probably a silly question or something usually asked by someone much younger than me, but;

I am wondering how to deal with some things that have come up. My Girlfriend and I have some similar interests and styles, as well as general plans for the future hence why we matched in the first place. There's love and attraction there on both sides. However, over the last few months we have noticed some differences, which is of course fine, you're never going to find someone that you match with 100% (and that would probably be boring too right ?!). I like Christmas (and everything therein), she doesn't at all. I like taking holidays to sunny/tropical destinations, sitting by a pool and relaxing, she doesn't like the heat and prefers cabins in a forest kinda thing. I like to unwind with Netflix / a movie or just some sofa time, she isn't big in to the TV at all. I like to go out every once in a while to a nice restaurant or to the cinema, she's not big on "big fancy things" like that. She plans to live in a particular town for the foreseeable future whereas I have different ideas of where to move to.

I fully expected to adjust/change a little for any new relationship, partly I just need to get over myself a little as I had been used to my own thing for so long, I'm just unsure if me changing / adjusting certain aspects of my life is me sacrificing the things that make me, me or if it's a good thing generally.

She does appear to be open to compromise and of course so am I but I am just wondering if these are things to compromise on or are they telling of just being incompatible as a couple ?

I guess I am just trying to understand if it's ok to change certain things for a relationship?

Thank you

ILoveYourVibes · 16-11-2020 10:51PM

LateBloomer wrote: »

I guess I am just trying to understand if it's ok to change certain things for a relationship?

Thank you

The question is ..is it ok with you?

Its an individual thing.

Me (Male, Late Twenties) & Her (Female, Early/Mid Twenties) - Dealing with difference

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