Early 40's and in a long term rut

Do you live alone or share a house?

Whereabouts in the country are you? I'd imagine it's not Dublin if you're able to rent a place yourself.

Hi OP,

The first thing I would point out is that your envy of the people going all over the world with their laptop is often misplaced. I know a few such people. And they are miserable looking at people like you who are settled in one place and can build a routine and a direction in their life. Whereas they go from hotel to hotel - location to location - with no real over arching narrative in their life or direction.

And it makes many of them miserable. Many of them go to all these wonderful cities but see almost nothing of them because most of their time is spent going from office to hotel and back to office again. So what looks like an exciting jet setting life to you if - for many of them - a never ending state of limbo in which nothing really happens or changes. The grass is often greener as they say.

In general there are people happy and miserable in every way of life. It comes down to whether you can make the best of what you have or not. And if you can not - then there is no guarantee that if you shift your life style over to something else that you will automatically get the joy you expect there after all. You will just be miserable in a different way.

But - since you seem not to have that option to change your entire life to something like that right now - it is a moot point. Right now you want to change your life to the point where you might even have the option to consider those other changes. And you have identified health and financial goals which should get you into a position to consider those things. So a good first step either way. But what might happen is that you walking the path to achieve those goals leaves you happy with the life you have now - and you find in the end you are not looking at those other lifestyles with any envy any more and are happy where you are.

As for advice - I would say that if you find adherence a big problem in your life then do not try to do too much too soon. Because if you do and you fail - you will lose hope and motivation and feed the self doubt and depression you sound like you have already formed.

Rather - consider taking a slow incremental approach to everything. For example if you are taking up the gym or running then do not feel you have to show up on day one and run/gym for an hour or two. Because it will be a shock to the system and while you might manage it on the first day or second day - by the third day you will be on the sofa and not be able to do it. And you will wrongly feel a failure when you can not make yourself do it on that day.

So consider getting the running gear on - or getting yourself to the gym - even if you only spend 5 minutes actually doing the gym or the running. On the second day make it 6 minutes. The third day 7 minutes. And so on. It might feel silly going all the way to the gym or getting ready to run if you are only going to spend 7 minutes at it. But - what you are doing is actually threefold. First you are building your body up to that exercise slowly. Second you are also building that routine into your life systematically and building routines and habits is half the battle. And third you are setting achievable goals and hitting your goals consistently - even small ones that seem silly - can be more beneficial than you know. A lot of people do not credit enough the mental power of hitting and missing goals. It can genuinely affect our motivation profoundly.

If you are at all into gaming consider mobile phone games that require you to get out and about. I can recommend Pokemon Go, Ingress, Harry Potter Wizards Unite, and The Witcher Monster Slayer for this. To play them you actively have to get up off your ass and go walking. And you can be out for hours doing that. Consider timing the playing of such games with the times you would usually be thinking of alcohol. Getting out of the house - and using that time for other things - can undermine the usual triggers that will send you down the alcohol route. Identify the triggers and locations and times that usually make you go for alcohol - and intentionally aim to be out of harms way at those times and triggers. For example for me in my past when alcohol was a problem it was the wind down of Friday night that triggered me to most want a drink. So rather than go home after work on a Friday and relax - I made sure I was out doing something actively at that time. This totally knee capped the Devil of Drink and he could do nothing against me.

With the healthy eating - do it meaningfully. Don't just change your food - but change your entire routines around food. Many people cook and eat food in a way that looks like food is something that's in the way of the other things they want to do in their life. They rush through it so they can get back to their TV or gaming or drinking or gym or whatever else. Try to make getting food, cooking food, eating food, enjoying food.... an event and goal in and of itself. A hobby even. And try to learn new things and new recipes and new options. A story with meaning each day with a beginning a middle and an end. Setup conflict and resolution. It is not something that gets in the way of the rest of life. It is itself a part of your life. Derive as much enjoyment from the whole process as you can. And like above - see it as a goal you are setting and achieving each day. Acknowledge the achievement of that goal and credit yourself for it and benefit from hitting your goals. Hitting goals consistently - and noticing when we do that - can give meaning and pride in ones life. And if you are trying to fill time you usually fill with alcohol - consider replacing a large weekly shop with a daily trip by foot / bike. So each day you are setting out with the goal of obtaining food for that evening and next morning. Maybe pop a banana or hard boiled egg before you go shopping as they are good appetite suppressors so you will be less likely to impulse buy junk or comfort food when in the shop. Plan daily shopping lists and stick to them.

What I hope you will also find is things like alcohol and finances will start to sort themselves out too as you focus on things like health and fitness and good eating. You still need to put some effort into improving those things of course. But take heart in the fact that each area you work on - will likely have beneficial impacts on those other areas too. And remember anything you remove from your life (like alcohol or junk food) will leave a hole in your life. If you do not fill that hole with another hobby or outlet - then nature abhors a vacuum and the temptation to fill that hole with the old habit will overpower you. Ain't no one got the will power to maintain a vacuum like that in their life long term. But even knowing that - failures make us feel like failures rather than simply stumbling on the right path. So don't setup failures to happen when you can avoid them. And don't take failures or falling off the wagon personally if you can. We all stumble - it does not make us weak people or bad people. Giving up does. Falling or failing - and pulling yourself up again and continuing on - means you are strong. Not weak. Remember that.

Don't be afraid to ask for help and tell others of your struggles and need for support. If you have a trusted other person consider also giving them all your money in such a way that you actively have to ask them for it for things like rent and food and justify taking it. Tell them not to be giving you money for alcohol and the like. Thats the nuclear option of course - only if you think you need it. Just an option to keep in mind.

Finally - constantly remind yourself what you are doing - why you are doing it - and what your goals are. It might seem silly to make a list of these things and read them to yourself every morning and evening. But actually it is quite powerful and motivating. And one of the most powerful weapons things like laziness and alcohol have over people is that over time - they make themselves feel not so bad and leave you saying to yourself "Sure - what was the problem anyway - why did I even bother stopping?". They are tricksters that way. You feel you really want them out of your life now - but over time they trick you into wondering why you felt that way and maybe it was not all that bad after all. Don't fall for those tricks. Remind yourself constantly why you wanted out especially on those days when those reasons seem furthest away. A lot of people know depression and low mood can make an alcoholic fall off the wagon. But actually the opposite can be more true which surprises a lot of people. It's the moments we feel most healthy and powerful that we start to think of alcohol as not so bad and that we can handle it and "Sure after all I did I deserve a drink".

Yeah I too tried the Gym on two occasions and I had no interest in it. Not so much because of the Gym Bunnies as I am quite good at ignoring people that are contemptuous :)

For me it was more the "sameyness" of it all. You get on a walking or running machine and that's it. No variety or feeling in the activity. Where if I am running along a road I feel the imperfections in the path - I dodge the slugs - I feel the uphills and the downhills - I see the changing people and scenery - I see or hear the wild life - I am exposed to a different weather each time. Each run is it's own story in a way the gym rarely offers.

I could imagine even after two visits how quickly I would lose interest in it. I go for a run and I am never 100% sure what I will see or feel. I go towards a gym and I pretty much already know everything exactly how it will be when I get there. And that just bores the bejaysus out of me. I'd never last with a gym membership.