Boyfriend unsure about our future together

This is a tricky one. Some people find it difficult to move from the more casual dating to the life partner phase of a relationship. Sometimes it's because they haven't really thought about what that means. Consequently, when it does hit them stress levels can go up along with their own anxiety and it can bring lots and lots of questions.

I think it is important to have a conversation and to understand where the difficulties lie. Going into a conversation like this you can't presume things will work out as you wish, you just need to see what each person thinks about it. That means considering that perhaps the relationship will not come to a point where you want to. Based on what you've said about your situation pre-relationship you may also be putting some of your own pressure on the situation.

So, all I would suggest is that you have the conversation maybe many conversations just to be clear where both of you stand. There may be a way to resolve this and perhaps there are issues that you neither of you are aware of but you also need to consider that the long term outcome of this is probably not going to be what you want.

I wish you luck.

This is a bell that can't be unrung so you do need to talk about this soon. You're already upset and if you don't find out how he feels, your imagination will fill the void. We could all speculate until the cows come home about what's going on here. These could just be teething problems that can be overcome or maybe he is having doubts.

You've told us he is from another EU country and maybe that summer at home has made him re-evaluate things. Is there a possibility he has come to realise he doesn't want to live in Ireland permanently? A summer at home, paired with your relationship moving to the next level may have given him reason to take stock of where things are going. Have you ever discussed whose country you want to settle in? If this relationship is to continue, one of you is going to have to "give up" living in their home country near their family and friends. It's important to some people, not so much to others. The travel restrictions since last year have taught us that our loved ones aren't really "only a Ryanair flight away". Would you be prepared to live in his country and raise a family there?

I also get the impression that you're panicking about not just this relationship but about your future and the family you want to have. You also sound scared of talking to him properly for fear of what you might hear. I also get the sense that you'd be prepared to bury things under the carpet to keep this relationship going, though I hope I'm wrong about that. Being honest and being yourself is at the heart of every good relationship. Now that both of you are (hopefully) not upset now, you've got to talk and be honest.

"Another thing: if I have a serious fight with my partner I might agree to a truce or agree to disagree, but it does not mean that the issue is resolved. I'm not saying this is healthy but it takes me a very long time to actually move on from it. There is a good chance that your partner does not move on from a fight as easily as you. We're all different."

This.

Just because it's resolved for you, doesn't mean it's resolved for him. It might well be over, but he may well have lingering feelings of anger over it that can't simply be talked away. They may well take time. The remark might just have been a final point scoring in the argument.

I do agree with the others that you need to talk things through, but I don't agree that it needs to be done soon. Women get over their problems by talking them through. Men get over them by letting time reduce their importance. Nothing is more anoying that someone who keeps refering back to a previous argument, wanting to discuss it and thereby reigniting the resentment.

Wait a month. Let some time pass. Then talk about your future without any reference to the recent argument or recent discussions. It should be a new conversation about your future so that it's not recalling the previous argument. Then you can find out how he really feels.

Just some observations from an old hand at this kind of thing :)

People read too much into this kind of thing these days.

You have gotten a bit more serious and moved on to the next level.

For men this has a dramatic effect. He is probably thinking, is that it, is my life over if I stay with one girl now for the rest of my life.

He needs time to process this and come to his own conclusions which will probably be that he is over thinking it and is quite happy to stay with this one girl for the rest of his life. Once that happens then he will be more comfortable moving forward if that works out for you both.

But all I can say is you both just go and carry on together. Neither of you should over think this. Its part of maturing and you will move past it.

Dont go looking for advice on what to do. Do nothing. Let yourselves grow. Whatever will be will be, and eventually you might both reach a point where you realize that you are right for one another. You cant make that happen. It will be or it will not be. just enjoy each others company now and move forward.

I dumped my girlfriend after 2 years of marraige because I got cold feet that I was getting too comfortable and would end up getting married. It scared the life out of me. A few weeks later we met up again and i realized that i had no need to be afraid. It was a good thing, for the first time in my life, I could see myself being married to someone and not being afraid of it. We ended up married a few years later.

I think your close friend is right. These have not been normal times you have lived through together, the world has been on pause to a degree. Even if it were not for solely having existed as a couple in pandemic times - one year is quite soon to be discussing the permanency of the relationship.

Everybody is different of course - but the usual time frame is typically two to three years at a minimum - though things speed up the older a couple gets.

i would not be panicking about marriage just yet - just enjoy living in the moment and see how things progress for now.

Your row over cleaning may seem trivial- but it is one of the biggest causes of arguments between couples, where one is more tidy than the other. Where one wants to relax and clean later and the other wants to clean and then relax.So you both need to compromise here or this will continue to be a bone of contention.

So are you saying that an argument over cleaning the bath "...had stressed him out and caused him to feel tired for the whole week"? Apart from this talk of him being unsure which has put you on edge, this ^^ bothers me. We all have rows with our significant others, sometimes over the silliest of things. But for an argument to have this week-long effect on him? Give me a break. It's manipulative and it'll make you think twice before you open your mouth again.

My grandmother always said "if you want to know me, come live with me" and she was so right. Where you start off a relationship spending fun time together, once you move in, domestic niggles can cause massive stress and tension.

Add in a temporary international move and I'm not at all surprised that there have been flare ups.

Communication and compromise are key but it needs to be a two way thing. Split domestic tasks, don't set a precedent whereby he expects you to do all the cleaning - especially not to the point where it's the first thing he says on a weekend morning.

If an argument makes him tired and stressed for days on end, you're heading for a lot of problems if you go on to have kids. I think you're getting defensive and making excuses for him now.

To be fair to him, him wanting the two of you to clean together before relaxing isn’t a bad thing - it’s just a difference of opinion. And if you kept bringing it up and not letting it go, that could have been an insight for him into what could lie ahead.

I understand you don’t work as many hours as him, but still you shouldn’t be doing most of the housework, just a marginal amount more. I know it’s tempting to do things for somebody if you care about them - but subconsciously you could also be doing it to get him to like you more and be indispensable - but it won’t work that way, he will just lose respect for you.

As it was a summer arrangement - have you guys discussed what will happen when you come back to Ireland? Will you both go back to only meeting at weekends?

OP, it seems to me that he is struggling with the relationship changing from being one where you meet on weekends to one where you live together fulltime. Lots of relationships stutter for a while at that point, and some unfortunately come to an end.

I think the comments about him trying to mould you or test you or manipulate you are way off the mark myself (to be fair, at that point, it seemed like he had been upset purely by the issue of cleaning the bath, but we later saw that it was more complicated than that).

Still, don't let posters on here convince you that he's not a nice person if you believe he is.

How disagreements are handled are definitely an important indicator on whether a long term relationship is worth pursuing or not. We all have different communication styles and personalities. The aim of a disagreement with a partner is never to establish a winner or who is right. The aim is to find common ground, apologise if situation warrants it and then for both parties to let it go.

Do be mindful in future disagreements whether you find yourself always being the one who is apologising and changing your behaviour though.

Hi OP,

Lots of different opinions here. All valid to some extent in my opinion. It seems that no one is entirely at fault.

I am in the camp though for sticking up for yourself abit more. I don't think your reaction was out of the ordinary. I know the way I would react if the first waking min someone started talking about what needs to be done cleaning wise. You may not have reacted perfectly, but he didn't either. Don't be putting all the onus on yourself to make things right. This doesn't make him a bad person, but he may lack insight in to how he made you feel at that moment. He should care how it may have came off. He should at least empathize that even if he didn't mean to cause this reaction, that he could see why it did. And you should have the confidence to tell him.

OP, I sympathize with being a people pleaser because I am one myself but I have worked on myself (self esteem) I am not doing this as much as I did.

That said the change in environment can make funny things happen for some people. I associate negative feeling to were I grew up.(not foreign) and I probably would be stressed in that environment. Maybe not the case here.

If you decide to keep going with this guy or it is resolved, I'd say next time you feel he is being inconsiderate or unmindful of your feelings you be sure to let him know. If he takes no responsibility. Get out.

And if it doesn't go further, I know relationships are hard. But make no mistake you will be much better for it. Relationships are as much about self discovery as discovering a new person. You know more about yourself, what you want and what you are willing to put up with. So fair play at getting out there and having a go at it. Best wishes

Do you guys live far away from each other in Ireland? I would have thought that meeting up during the week rather than weekends only is something that people do in a relationship that is of a years duration. But understand if you are at opposite ends of the country.

Communication is everything in a relationship and walking out (running away) on a discussion would not typically be a good sign for the other person. He may have just gotten a glimpse of this side of you that he didn’t see when it was weekends only and all sunshine and roses. It’s only when you live with somebody that compatibility and situations to really argue over occur.

Also, and it’s probably not the case but I’m playing devils advocate here - I know lots of people who settled into situationships over the pandemic because it was hard to meet people and it was nice to have somebody for ‘physical activity’ and companionship. They were ‘you’ll do for now’ type things.

I think you need to see if he is on the same marriage and babies train that you would like to be on by seeing what his thoughts are on when you come back to Ireland.

No, I think a year is too soon. I just thought it was what you were working towards with him personally.

And if you work evenings then only meeting on weekends makes sense, despite you both living in Dublin.

Hi OP. First of all, breathe. Try to be kind to yourself today. You're abroad without a support network, having relationship difficulties and going down a rabbit hole as you can't see the wood for the trees. You're going to be ok, regardless of what happens in this relationship. This is not life or death stuff. So try to take that onboard as you figure things out. You'll be ok either way.

Second of all, you are far too attached to the outcome. You're 32, thinking weddings and babies and in full-blown scarcity mode - "I've already had two relationships, I have no time left, this one HAS TO work out". That's not how it works. It works out when it works out, on a timeline that can't be scheduled for, and usually when you're in a mindset that allows for the right partner to come into your life by screening out the things that you won't allow anymore. That experience has taught you are deal-breakers, incompatibilities, red flags. I'm seeing a few here, frankly. For example, you've defaulted into doing all the chores and didn't take kindly to doing more on a Saturday morning (pretty human, really) and suddenly your behaviour has to be policed lest your boyfriend throws another "not sure about our future" grenade your way. He's throwing grenades instead of trying to comfort you and make you feel safe in this new, if temporary, life abroad. You're not having important bigger-picture conversations with him - has he changed his mind about his future in Ireland? How will this living-together situation pan out when you're back in Ireland? Does he see a future with you, regardless of his own plans? What are his own plans? Can he clarify on wanting kids "at some stage" - does that mean with you, in the next say 5 years?

You are allowed to have needs and assert those needs, OP, regardless of what any dating advice column tells you. Without asserting those needs, you get no security, no feeling of safety or peace in a relationship and no equality - you're just going around people pleasing, doing chores and "moving in without moving in" and second guessing and muting yourself for fear of finding out something that feels intolerable. Like that this fella is not on the same page as you and it means you have a third breakup under your belt. That feels intolerable. But it's actually not, it's just life going closer in the direction of the things you want and need, in the long run. It's just screening out someone that wasn't compatible. If it comes to that.

I met my partner at 35. I lived abroad, he lived in Ireland. We had frankness and honesty from the beginning, I ended up quitting my job and my life abroad to come and live with him, now we're engaged a year later. I'm not saying this to gloat, I'm saying this to show you how transformative honesty and expressing your needs can be with the right person. There's no "scaring away" that person and you can get your needs met and get everything you want, but it does come at the cost of being capable of being vulnerable and things potentially not working out. You are 32. It's a tough age because you're still digesting "being in your 30s" and what that means. I think I felt "older" and more pressurised at 32 than I do now, at 36, because I've calmed down and gained a bit of perspective since then. You could break up with this guy and meet a new guy in 2 years, 3 years, and still have all the things you want. But you do have to learn how to assert your needs, whilst detaching from the marriage-mortage-babies by whatever arbitrary age you have in your head. Prioritise your own comfort, peace and happiness. Can you be happy and content with all the uncertainty and lack of clarity you're getting from this guy? What steps can you take, today, to move closer to clarity and comfort?