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Boyfriend unsure about our future together
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07-08-2021 9:23am#1
Hi everyone,
I started going out with my boyfriend just over a year ago. We're both 32. I'm Irish, and he's from another EU country, but works in Ireland. We spend every weekend together and in my view, everything has been going great.
We decided to spend this summer in his home country as we could both work remotely. We have lived together since early June which was a big step from just spending weekends together. Last Saturday, we had an argument about something silly, but it developed and turned into something bigger than it should have. Anyway, we had a long chat about it on Sunday and resolved things (I thought).
Two days ago, I asked him about how he felt about living together for the last few weeks. He said that living together had made him realise that we are "very different people." I was upset at this comment, but didn't show it at the time.
I mentioned it to him last night and he replied that he didn't mean anything negative by the remark, but went on to say that the argument last weekend made him think about whether we have a future together. He said that the argument last weekend had stressed him out and caused him to feel tired for the whole week. I was completely shocked at this because I love and care for him so much and thought he felt the same. I genuinely felt that we had put the argument behind us and it was finished with. It is rare that we have arguments/disagreements, and when we have, it's been about something quite small. He also said that he feels uncertain about the future - where he will live, work and about settling down.
Since arriving in his home country, I have met all his family and friends and gone on some day trips together at weekends. He is planning to take a trip for a few days at the end of August, but has also invited three friends of his to come along with us.
Before meeting him, I had been trying to meet someone as I'd been single for a while. I've always wanted to get married and have a family so I was hoping to find someone who wanted the same. I could really envisage a future with my boyfriend, but I am getting the impression his feelings aren't as strong as mine. I thought that having spent over a year together would be enough for him to know how he felt about me and our relationship.
I'm really upset about this new development and I'm unsure how I can deal with it. I am afraid to bring up the conversation again today as I don't want to cause him stress and I also start getting upset myself which doesn't help either of us.
I would really appreciate any advice please. Thank you so much for reading this post.
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This is a tricky one. Some people find it difficult to move from the more casual dating to the life partner phase of a relationship. Sometimes it's because they haven't really thought about what that means. Consequently, when it does hit them stress levels can go up along with their own anxiety and it can bring lots and lots of questions.
I think it is important to have a conversation and to understand where the difficulties lie. Going into a conversation like this you can't presume things will work out as you wish, you just need to see what each person thinks about it. That means considering that perhaps the relationship will not come to a point where you want to. Based on what you've said about your situation pre-relationship you may also be putting some of your own pressure on the situation.
So, all I would suggest is that you have the conversation maybe many conversations just to be clear where both of you stand. There may be a way to resolve this and perhaps there are issues that you neither of you are aware of but you also need to consider that the long term outcome of this is probably not going to be what you want.
I wish you luck.
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I’m sorry to hear this. As you acknowledged - it is a really big step to go from spending weekends together to living together full time. That tends to make or break - you don’t truly know compatibility until you live together full time.
It seems your boyfriend is questioning the long term compatibility of the situation. He’s just uncertain at the moment, he hasn’t indicated he wants a break up - so give it time and check in with him about it over the next few weeks.
We don’t know what your disagreement was about - but everybody has different deal breaker situations and that might have been one of his as it seems to have been the catalyst for all of this.
I hope you can work things out, but if not it’s better to know when it’s only been a year rather than 5 years down the line.
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You can't be tip toeing around or avoiding the difficult conversations in fear of stressing him out. Try to have a bit of conviction in whatever your stance is, as people tend to be more attracted to confidence (irregardless of if you're right or wrong) than someone who appeases them meekly.
Basically don't dilute yourself in an effort to keep the peace as it won't work in medium to long term with unresolved issues and you'll have a much tougher time finding or rebuilding yourself after it all.
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Most couples I know are very different people. They still work together as a couple.
The row over something silly that turned into much more needs to be looked at here. That seems to be what has switched him. If it was something silly how/why did it escalate and who was responsible for it escalating? If it was you, maybe he’s thinking this is how every silly little disagreement is going to end up. If it was him maybe he’s feeling stressed and under pressure with living together and is lashing out and reacting badly to minor incidents.
We are all capable of overreacting to minor things if we’re having a bad day, or we misinterpret something someone says. We’re all human and we’re all going to get it wrong at some point(s).
You need to address the things he has brought out. Maybe he’s just thinking out loud and making sense of what happened. To b pe honest, he sounds like he is doing right. Trying to figure out what happened. Trying to figure out was it a one off, bad day, type situation or is this going to be how things always are. Trying to weigh up whether or not this is going to be a good relationship long term. I understand that feeling of being stressed and wound up over an argument. And how upsetting it can feel, especially if the argument was over something trivial to begin with.
I hope once things calmed down you were able to discuss his feelings, and yours. It’s a good thing to be able to do in a healthy relationship. Talks like that don’t always have to end in the nuclear option of splitting up. So you shouldn’t be afraid to have the clearest the air discussion if it’s needed.
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This is a bell that can't be unrung so you do need to talk about this soon. You're already upset and if you don't find out how he feels, your imagination will fill the void. We could all speculate until the cows come home about what's going on here. These could just be teething problems that can be overcome or maybe he is having doubts.
You've told us he is from another EU country and maybe that summer at home has made him re-evaluate things. Is there a possibility he has come to realise he doesn't want to live in Ireland permanently? A summer at home, paired with your relationship moving to the next level may have given him reason to take stock of where things are going. Have you ever discussed whose country you want to settle in? If this relationship is to continue, one of you is going to have to "give up" living in their home country near their family and friends. It's important to some people, not so much to others. The travel restrictions since last year have taught us that our loved ones aren't really "only a Ryanair flight away". Would you be prepared to live in his country and raise a family there?
I also get the impression that you're panicking about not just this relationship but about your future and the family you want to have. You also sound scared of talking to him properly for fear of what you might hear. I also get the sense that you'd be prepared to bury things under the carpet to keep this relationship going, though I hope I'm wrong about that. Being honest and being yourself is at the heart of every good relationship. Now that both of you are (hopefully) not upset now, you've got to talk and be honest.
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As a foreigner living in Ireland I can guarantee you that there will be times when your boyfriend misses elements of his home country. Having moved there recently might have accelerated some of these longings, so I don't think his comments are too surprising. Was your agreement to only move there for the summer and then return to Ireland?
Another thing: if I have a serious fight with my partner I might agree to a truce or agree to disagree, but it does not mean that the issue is resolved. I'm not saying this is healthy but it takes me a very long time to actually move on from it. There is a good chance that your partner does not move on from a fight as easily as you. We're all different.
Best of luck.
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"Another thing: if I have a serious fight with my partner I might agree to a truce or agree to disagree, but it does not mean that the issue is resolved. I'm not saying this is healthy but it takes me a very long time to actually move on from it. There is a good chance that your partner does not move on from a fight as easily as you. We're all different."
This.
Just because it's resolved for you, doesn't mean it's resolved for him. It might well be over, but he may well have lingering feelings of anger over it that can't simply be talked away. They may well take time. The remark might just have been a final point scoring in the argument.
I do agree with the others that you need to talk things through, but I don't agree that it needs to be done soon. Women get over their problems by talking them through. Men get over them by letting time reduce their importance. Nothing is more anoying that someone who keeps refering back to a previous argument, wanting to discuss it and thereby reigniting the resentment.
Wait a month. Let some time pass. Then talk about your future without any reference to the recent argument or recent discussions. It should be a new conversation about your future so that it's not recalling the previous argument. Then you can find out how he really feels.
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Did you make an actual life plan to live together, or did you move to live together because of circumstances / money / it was an easy thing to do.
Its sounding to me like the latter, and that the outcomes of that are getting real.
Maybe the reality of living together, without really having decided that this was the next phase of your relationship, is kicking in, and that you’re not proving to be compatible living partners.
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Thank you very much for your advice, especially recommending to have many conversations together. We've talked a lot over the last few days, which has really helped to understand how each of us feels. Thank you again.
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Thanks so much for your input.
I know he was questioning compatibility. It just came as a great surprise to me as I felt things had been going so well between us. We have had very very few arguments since going out together so I really didn't think the argument from last wkend would be any big deal, especially since we talked it through together.
The disagreement had two elements. We woke up on Saturday morning and the first thing he mentioned was that the bath needed to be cleaned. We had both had a tough week and given that it was the weekend, I thought we could do something to enjoy the day together. I didn't expect cleaning to be the priority, and I got a bit irritated. I also felt that he was implying that this was my job.
Anyway, I left the room to get a glass of water (as I do every morning). When I returned to the bedroom, he said that he has concerns about my reactions. I felt this was really unfair. I had not started screaming and shouting at him and have never done so. I have gotten upset at somethings he has said in the past if I felt the comment was unfair, but I've always stayed calm and respectful.
Anyway, I had some time to myself to think about the situation on Sunday afternoon as I came to the conclusion that he had a point. I could definitely fit in some extra cleaning in the week and also change how I react to things he says. Instead of becoming upset and feeling like I've been unfairly treated, I should just listen to what he says and ask myself if he has a point. Then, chat about it calmly. I apologised to him on Sunday for taking what he said so much to heart and for letting the argument go on longer than it should have.
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Thanks very much for your reply.
We've done a lot of talking over the last few days.
Since we met, he has always said that he is very happy in Ireland, and feels that his prospects are much better in Ireland than in his home country. So, I was under the impression that he wanted to continue living in Ireland. A few weeks after we arrived in his home country, he even said that he missed Ireland. I have mentioned to him a few times that I would be delighted to spend time in his home country for the summer months and also xmas and Easter time, but that for a variety of reasons, I wanted to actually live in Ireland. He did not make any response to this unfortunately.
You're right that I panic about the future. A lot of my family members and friends were married at my age. I'm not looking for that to happen right now, but I would like to be working towards it in the future, but not too long off either. I suppose I thought that after a year together, things between a couple would get a little more serious, but maybe I am wrong about that and I know that every couple is different.
I'm definitely not afraid to talk to him out of fear of what he might say. I have told him that I really want him to be honest and not to worry about saying something that would be upsetting for me to hear. I have said to him that if he doesn't want this relationship, I would be upset, but that I would accept and respect that decision.
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Thank you so much for your perspective.
I, of course, understand the challenges involved in living abroad. I have lived abroad myself so I completely understand the issues. Before covid he would take a trip home every 3 months, but all of that changed after covid.
Yes, our agreement was to go to his home country just for the summer months. Both of us actually have to be back in Ireland by September for work reasons.
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We have had conversations over the last few days about the argument from last weekend. I know everyone is different, but I feel we have moved passed the two issues he raised.
Things became more serious when he commented about our future together, which we have talked about over the last few days also.
I just don't know if I am coming on too strong by asking "to talk about our future." I know what I want in the future even after just one year together, but maybe he doesn't.
A close friend of mine thought that I am taking things too seriously especially since our year together has been a pandemic year and therefore, has been very far from being normal. So it's far too soon to be discussing "our future" with him. Would anyone have any thoughts on this please?
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Thank you so much for your feedback.
We started to talk about the summer in February. He had two family weddings to attend over the summer and told me that I had also been invited to both. I was delighted with this. He has an apartment in his hometown and he said that we could stay together over the summer. It wasn't a formal conversation about taking a big step in our relationship by moving in together or anything like that, but he invited me to stay with him.
I see what you're saying about compatibility. I just can't understand how that could be the case. In my view, everything was going great between us. We had so many lovely times together in Ireland and also so many happy, memorable days together in his hometown.
He introduced me to all his family and friends and I got the impression that they really liked me.
He has a much busier work schedule over the summer in comparison to mine so I was happy to take over household responsibilities like cooking, laundry, food shopping and things like that. This seemed to be working really well.
Any expenses that came up since arriving in his hometown, I gave him half the cost. He even had an issue with his car and I gave him half the cost to cover it.
We had one argument since we arrived. And I think most people would agree, the argument wasn't over anything hugely significant. Otherwise, we have got on great and seemed to be having a really happy time together, relaxing in the evenings watching a good movie together. I just can't get my head around that despite all of this, he could feel that we are incompatible as a couple and I feel so desperately sad at this turn of events and how we could go from being so happy with one another to this in the space of a few days. :(
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Just some observations from an old hand at this kind of thing :)
People read too much into this kind of thing these days.
You have gotten a bit more serious and moved on to the next level.
For men this has a dramatic effect. He is probably thinking, is that it, is my life over if I stay with one girl now for the rest of my life.
He needs time to process this and come to his own conclusions which will probably be that he is over thinking it and is quite happy to stay with this one girl for the rest of his life. Once that happens then he will be more comfortable moving forward if that works out for you both.
But all I can say is you both just go and carry on together. Neither of you should over think this. Its part of maturing and you will move past it.
Dont go looking for advice on what to do. Do nothing. Let yourselves grow. Whatever will be will be, and eventually you might both reach a point where you realize that you are right for one another. You cant make that happen. It will be or it will not be. just enjoy each others company now and move forward.
I dumped my girlfriend after 2 years of marraige because I got cold feet that I was getting too comfortable and would end up getting married. It scared the life out of me. A few weeks later we met up again and i realized that i had no need to be afraid. It was a good thing, for the first time in my life, I could see myself being married to someone and not being afraid of it. We ended up married a few years later.
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Most people move to Ireland for work related reasons which means they do not want to settle permanently. Visiting “home” every 3 months and spending the summer sounds like he has a strong bond to the place. You will have to check what his long term plans are.
I moved knowing that I would not return for good and I still miss certain things. If he spends that much time with friends and family he never fully let go.
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I think your close friend is right. These have not been normal times you have lived through together, the world has been on pause to a degree. Even if it were not for solely having existed as a couple in pandemic times - one year is quite soon to be discussing the permanency of the relationship.
Everybody is different of course - but the usual time frame is typically two to three years at a minimum - though things speed up the older a couple gets.
i would not be panicking about marriage just yet - just enjoy living in the moment and see how things progress for now.
Your row over cleaning may seem trivial- but it is one of the biggest causes of arguments between couples, where one is more tidy than the other. Where one wants to relax and clean later and the other wants to clean and then relax.So you both need to compromise here or this will continue to be a bone of contention.
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Hi OP there are a few issues in your story.
I would find it concerning that you have taken on a majority cleaning role so soon - remember this is his apartment as you've said, so any tasks should by default be his to perform with some contribution by yourself. I am also inclined to side with your recollection that he implied this was your cleaning task (leading from your admission that you do more of the cleaning).
Feel free to disagree, but there is a possibility that he is moulding you. Lots of people of either gender set gentle limits to change their partner - in this case he has attempted to reinforce your cleaning tendencies with vague/nondescript threats "I'm not sure about our future" etc. You've probably confided your fears about being alone/getting married and this has left you vulnerable - again it is possible he is taking advantage of this to mould you.
I also agree with the other posters that he might have been enjoying the physical/casual element of the relationship and is now a bit tired of the mundane (not a criticism of you, more an acknowledgement of the fact that some people of either gender can't handle real relationships).
You are isolated in another country with vague/nondescript threats hanging over your head.
I would advise that you return to Ireland as soon as practically possible - to return to your support structures. I am not advocating that you finish the relationship, or creat more arguments - but if he needs time to consider your future then he can spend that time alone as you return to your life. He has created an atmosphere where you cannot advocate for yourself in any disagreement as he is "unsure" - and that is so unfair to do to someone.
Not all will agree with this advice but I feel that this is the best course of action. He is not wrong to be unsure but you should not remain in a vulnerable position or compromise yourself further whilst he takes the time to decide. If he finds that he does want to be with you, he can find you continuing your life, with your friends and family, in your own home.
However I acknowledge that you also feel under pressure to "find love" but this will take some professional help to unpack and I cannot provide that.
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Hi OP. Never underestimate the pull of “home”. My second husband isn’t Irish. When we got together, I was already separated for a number of years and had 2 small children. I was used to doing everything for myself and it took some time to learn how to share. He was and still is very close to his family and home country. Small cultural and religious differences could become huge if not discussed and understood.
Don’t let things slide, but at the same time don’t overanalyse things. There are times when the pull of home can be very strong and difficult to handle. Patience and love will help.
However, if the strength of your feelings isn’t strong on both sides, you may have to make a very tough decision.
I wish you all the best.
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The disagreement had two elements. We woke up on Saturday morning and the first thing he mentioned was that the bath needed to be cleaned. We had both had a tough week and given that it was the weekend, I thought we could do something to enjoy the day together. I didn't expect cleaning to be the priority, and I got a bit irritated. I also felt that he was implying that this was my job.
Anyway, I left the room to get a glass of water (as I do every morning). When I returned to the bedroom, he said that he has concerns about my reactions. I felt this was really unfair. I had not started screaming and shouting at him and have never done so. I have gotten upset at somethings he has said in the past if I felt the comment was unfair, but I've always stayed calm and respectful.
Anyway, I had some time to myself to think about the situation on Sunday afternoon as I came to the conclusion that he had a point. I could definitely fit in some extra cleaning in the week and also change how I react to things he says. Instead of becoming upset and feeling like I've been unfairly treated, I should just listen to what he says and ask myself if he has a point.
So, essentially he declared the bath needed cleaning. You walked away doing your usual morning routine and then he had 'concerns' about your reaction, and also as a result, your future together? So now you've backed down, decided you could have actually cleaned the bath after all, despite doing the majority of the cleaning anyway, and apologised? And now you will check your own reactions and feelings to anything and ensure that your own thoughts and feelings come secondary to considering his point of view, every time? Otherwise he'll 'consider your future together' again the next time you don't jump to his bidding. .
Look, if it walks like a duck etc. He declared the 'bath needed cleaning' - What he meant was exactly what your first reaction was telling you - that the bath needed cleaning, and he expected you to do it! If he decided he was going to clean the bath, he would have grabbed the spray and cloth and damn well cleaned it - it's a 30 second job!
I'm with @laserlad2010 on this. The bath sounds like it was a test of how he could mould you into you doing his bidding and it worked. You passed his tentative test that he's now isolated you sufficiently, and dangled a future together in front of you that you so desperately want, and you will acquiesce to more things he decides in the future.
This is one of those posts where I would love to be totally wrong OP because you sound lovely. He on the other hand, doesn't sound nice at all...
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So are you saying that an argument over cleaning the bath "...had stressed him out and caused him to feel tired for the whole week"? Apart from this talk of him being unsure which has put you on edge, this ^^ bothers me. We all have rows with our significant others, sometimes over the silliest of things. But for an argument to have this week-long effect on him? Give me a break. It's manipulative and it'll make you think twice before you open your mouth again.
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Thank you so much for your insight. It's really helpful to hear from someone in the same position.
I completely understand that the pull of home is very strong. I understood the challenges from the beginning of our relationship. However, he appeared very happy with his life in Ireland and never expressed any desire to return to his home country permanently. He is now saying that he is still very happy in Ireland, but does not want to completely rule out the possibility of returning to his home country if the opportunity arose. This scares me as the idea of moving our whole lives to another country down the line would be far from ideal for me.
At the same time, I don't want to be focusing too much attention on something that has not happened and may never happen..
With regard to the strength of his feelings. He brought be to his home country for the summer months, and introduced me to his family and friends. Surely he wouldn't have done that if he didn't feel strongly about me. We had the argument last weekend which stirred things up a bit, but that's just a small thing when considering the whole picture.
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My grandmother always said "if you want to know me, come live with me" and she was so right. Where you start off a relationship spending fun time together, once you move in, domestic niggles can cause massive stress and tension.
Add in a temporary international move and I'm not at all surprised that there have been flare ups.
Communication and compromise are key but it needs to be a two way thing. Split domestic tasks, don't set a precedent whereby he expects you to do all the cleaning - especially not to the point where it's the first thing he says on a weekend morning.
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Thank you for your reply.
I have learned that his 'concerns' related to me walking out of the room when something was said that I didn't like. I think he has a point to raise that with me as it's important not to get annoyed quickly, and to talk things through, and I'll definitely do this in future as I feel that's the better response.
I spoke to him about how I felt that he was implying that I should clean the bath. He insisted that he stated that 'we' should clean a few areas and that he did not expect me to do it alone. And I believe him on that.
I'm sorry if I have painted my boyfriend in a bad light as he is genuinely a very nice and good person. He is chatty, friendly, attentive, polite and caring. I know I can talk to him when something is on my mind. Up to a few days ago, I thought everything was great between us, but the last few days have made me realise that there are a few things which need to be sorted out.
I know that I am quite needy as a person as I would love to settle down in a few years. I suppose I see many of my family and friends settling down around this stage of life and I want the same for myself. But he doesn't seem to want to make any commitments any time soon unfortunately.
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The argument started over cleaning the bath. It then moved on to him saying that he has concerns about how I react to things he says. These issues caused us to argue for most of the day on Saturday. Neither of us slept much or at all on Saturday night. I had to meet a few people early on Sunday morning and didn't return home until late that night. I was very upset on Sunday and didn't feel like going out at all. But he encouraged me and said it would be a good thing for both of us. So I did. I thought about the situation between us a lot on Sunday and decided that I had over reacted in response to the points he raised and we had both allowed the argument to go on much longer than it should have.
We had a long talk about things on Sunday evening and I thought that we had resolved things and could move on.
But from reading the comments here, I can understand that he may not have been ready to move on.
I can also understand that a silly argument like that to go on for hours and hours can be quite stressful so I can understand how it could have an impact on him for the following days.
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Join Date:Posts: 6897
I can only echo what many of the previous posters have said. He now has you on the back foot because you didn't immediately jump to doing the cleaning. You're his partner, OP, not his cleaner. I get what you are saying about his role having been busier, but it's not a good road to go down, imo.
Anyway, I had some time to myself to think about the situation on Sunday afternoon as I came to the conclusion that he had a point. I could definitely fit in some extra cleaning in the week and also change how I react to things he says. Instead of becoming upset and feeling like I've been unfairly treated, I should just listen to what he says and ask myself if he has a point. Then, chat about it calmly. I apologised to him on Sunday for taking what he said so much to heart and for letting the argument go on longer than it should have.
But you had nothing to apologise for. And as I said he now has you on the back foot. You mentioned in your OP that you have been trying to meet someone and to have children. Don't let that blind you to what is going on here. Imagine if you do have children with him, I'm guessing that all the responsibilities for them would also fall to you. As well as keeping the household duties done.
He said that the argument last weekend had stressed him out and caused him to feel tired for the whole week.
Everyone has different ways of processing stuff. Some need a bit of time to think things over, some can put things behind them more quickly than others. But what he is doing, imo, is effectively shutting you down, not allowing you to express your very valid thoughts and feelings.
Think long and hard, OP, about this relationship. And I would echo the advice above about returning home to do your thinking.
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I have learned that his 'concerns' related to me walking out of the room when something was said that I didn't like. I think he has a point to raise that with me as it's important not to get annoyed quickly, and to talk things through, and I'll definitely do this in future as I feel that's the better response.
We all have our ways of processing comments that are pointing the way to a disagreement - yours isn't necessarily the wrong method either!
I don't immediately get into it either as I've found that the best communication method I have is mulling something over for myself for a few minutes so that I can formulate my thoughts and feelings and put them into words calmly and clearly. Similar to you, that's my communication style, and just because it's not the way your boyfriend communicates it doesn't mean that you are wrong and he's right.
Maybe if he took a few moments to formulate his thoughts and feelings rather than coming out with stuff that destabilises and hurts you in the relationship it would be a healthier way of communicating.
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Thank you for your reply. I honestly don't believe he had any bad intentions when he mentioned the cleaning. In a later discussion, he assured me that he said that 'we' should clean a few areas, and was not implying that I should do the cleaning. He definitely doesn't think of me as his cleaner. I am sure of that.
Since arriving here, I have certainly not killed myself cleaning. Yes, I have done most of the cooking, cleaning the kitchen, washing the dishes, washing clothes, a little ironing and a little hoovering. Absolutely nothing excessive. I hadn't cleaned the bath since we arrived, as I just hadn't thought of it to be honest. So he definitely had a point mentioning it.
I apologised on Sunday as I believe I was responsible for the argument escalating. I have a tendency to want to talk about things when something upsets me and I kept going on and on about what he had said and trying to convince him that the comments were unfair. Someone in the past said that i can be quite defensive so maybe it was that trait coming out on the Saturday.
I seem to have led a lot of posters to believe that my boyfriend is not a nice person. This is really not the case. He is always very happy and upbeat and never moody. He has never gotten angry or started shouting at me. He is very supportive and i know i can always talk to him about anything that's on my mind. When I cook, he always asks me if there's anything he can do to help. And always thanks me when I do something nice for him (even the smallest thing.) He is a genuinely good person and I honestly wouldn't think for a second that having children with him would mean that I'd be left with all the responsibilities.
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If an argument makes him tired and stressed for days on end, you're heading for a lot of problems if you go on to have kids. I think you're getting defensive and making excuses for him now.
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I think you’ve gone pretty far down the track of thinking that this is the relationship for you, for the long haul, and you’re defending him because you don’t want to think that it might not be true.
It seems to me that you’ve jumped into a summer arrangement of living together, without having set any ground rules re housework (I don’t understand how you fell into mammying him), paying for stuff (I think you said you even gave him money towards his car repair), are you also paying for the food as well as cooking it and cleaning up after it? Why are you doing all of this? Why isn’t it an equal arrangement of equal partners?
I still think that to him it was a handy summer arrangement of living together, but you’ve wrapped this up into moving in with him, and all sorts of long term plans. Are you a people-pleaser? Do you know and value what YOU want, instead fitting everything around what he wants? - including how you communicate with him!
As he still has a car and apartment in his home country, it doesn’t sound to me like he’s at all giving up on moving back there, which is something that you specifically don’t want to do. I’m not saying that it can’t work - but I do think you need to slow down, take the rose-tinted glasses of future plans off, and think about what will make you happy in 5/10/20 years time.
PS: Walking away whilst in the middle of a disagreement would be something that I’d be extremely unhappy about - the fact that you did it because that’s your normal morning routine would be irrelevant to me. Maybe he felt similarly.
Post edited by qwerty13 on5 -
To be fair to him, him wanting the two of you to clean together before relaxing isn’t a bad thing - it’s just a difference of opinion. And if you kept bringing it up and not letting it go, that could have been an insight for him into what could lie ahead.
I understand you don’t work as many hours as him, but still you shouldn’t be doing most of the housework, just a marginal amount more. I know it’s tempting to do things for somebody if you care about them - but subconsciously you could also be doing it to get him to like you more and be indispensable - but it won’t work that way, he will just lose respect for you.
As it was a summer arrangement - have you guys discussed what will happen when you come back to Ireland? Will you both go back to only meeting at weekends?
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Up to now, I had been thinking a lot about the long-term potential of the relationship, but the last few days have made me think about the possibility of things not working out unfortunately. A few things have come out over the last few days which indicate that we may not be compatible with one another unfortunately.
We didn't discuss the details of living together beforehand. Tbh, I never thought of discussing this as I felt that all that kind of stuff just falls into place naturally. I didn't think we needed to discuss who does the cleaning and who pays for what things. I assumed that's how a relationship works. It's not about mine and yours. It's about ours. We had a small incident in the car while taking a trip. It caused 500 euro worth of damage. I gave him half the money because I felt it was the right thing to do. I was with him when it happened and we are in a relationship so whatever happens, happens to both of us. I felt it was the descent thing to do. I pay for the majority of the food as I do the shopping. However, he pays for other things like meals out and other treats. I really didn't think this amounts to mammying him. To me, it makes sense that if he is working full time and I am working part time, that I could do the bulk of household duties. It wouldn't make sense to me if he worked all day, I sat back doing my own things and then expected him to do the housework after work. He sometimes cooks, and sometimes we cook together, but most of the time, it's just me.
Yes, I would definitely consider myself to be a people pleaser. Although, as I am now 32, I know I don't want to stay in a relationship that does not have long-term potential. I have told him how I feel about that so I am not diluting my own desires in the relationship.
The car we are using belongs to his parents. They have two and let us borrow their second one for the summer. He actually inherited the apartment from a family member. I know the apartment ties him to his home country, but I felt it would be great for us to have our own space when we visit and therefore, would be a good thing for us.
I fully agree that walking away during a disagreement was unacceptable on my part. I allowed myself to be irritated by the cleaning issue first thing on a Saturday morning. I definitely shouldn't have in hindsight. I know it's important for both people to be able to talk honestly to the other person and to discuss things. I realise that I should not have walked away. I apologised for this and said that I would not do this again.
The thing is that we very rarely argue so the issue had never really arisen before. And I think it would be unfair of him to hold that incident against me because it happened only twice in the time we have been together and I have told him that it won't happen again (and i really meant it.)
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We haven't discussed what will happen when we return to Ireland. In my mind, I suppose we would return to the usual routine of staying together at weekends. I had considered asking him if we wanted to meet once during the week also - half way between his house and mine, just to spend some extra time together. I hadn't gotten around to raising this idea with him yet though.
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I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has offered their opinion and advice on this situation. I really appreciate the time that you've taken out of your day to write detailed replies, for no personal gain - so thank you very much to you all.
I've been feeling quite down since all of this happened. Obviously, being abroad, I don't have the support structures that I have at home. However, discussing the issue here on boards has been really helpful in coming to terms with this issue.
This is my third relationship. For many reasons, I thought it would be third time lucky, but it looks less and less likely that will be the case unfortunately. Sometimes I wonder what's the point of relationships as the majority of them just end anyway and cause such upset and heart-break. The thought of going through all that again for the third time has me feeling pretty low..
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OP, it seems to me that he is struggling with the relationship changing from being one where you meet on weekends to one where you live together fulltime. Lots of relationships stutter for a while at that point, and some unfortunately come to an end.
I think the comments about him trying to mould you or test you or manipulate you are way off the mark myself (to be fair, at that point, it seemed like he had been upset purely by the issue of cleaning the bath, but we later saw that it was more complicated than that).
Still, don't let posters on here convince you that he's not a nice person if you believe he is.
Post edited by osarusan on6 -
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I'm returning to this thread as in typical Boards fashion the OP has revealed more information which has caused me to rethink my position (mea culpa).
So what has now transpired is that he appears to have said "we need to clean the bath" and your reaction appears to have instigated a 24 hour long argument - "no sleep Saturday night" - did you personally keep the argument going all night??, left unresolved on Sunday as you left the house all day, presumably with an upset partner. That really isnt a healthy communication pattern for any couple attempting to establish a life together. It wouldn't affect me all week but it might affect another person all week if that was the drama.
I think a long, honest appraisal of your own actions would be useful. Be totally truthful as to your own contributions to the argument. It is still possible that my initial feelings about your boyfriend still stand but your reaction and communication styles need a bit of introspection.
I am not a great believer in therapy but you might consider some professional assistance to tease out that desire to settle down and prevent it from sabotaging your decision making in the future.
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How disagreements are handled are definitely an important indicator on whether a long term relationship is worth pursuing or not. We all have different communication styles and personalities. The aim of a disagreement with a partner is never to establish a winner or who is right. The aim is to find common ground, apologise if situation warrants it and then for both parties to let it go.
Do be mindful in future disagreements whether you find yourself always being the one who is apologising and changing your behaviour though.
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There seems to be one hell of a lot of assuming that things will work out to your liking OP - and zero discussion about it. Are you even communicating your views to your BF? He’s not a mind reader!
And “asking” him if *he* wanted to meet one night during the week?! Do you not have your own views, why can’t you suggest this to him?
On the one hand, you’ve jumped 10 steps ahead, acting like “the little woman” for the summer, and planning marriage and kids - but on a basic and fundamental level, you are not communicating with him at all. It’s like you’re stumbling along hoping that it will all just magically fall into place, but real life isn’t like that: it’s good to know what you want, and to be able to communicate that clearly.
The more things you post, I’m getting the feeling that it is you caused a lot of drama about this incident, and carried it on and on - and that THAT is the heart of your BF’s issue with it. Whereas I’m now feeling that you thought deep down that if you ran around after him and mammied him, it was … proof to you … that the relationship was all roses.
So it turns out that your BF values open communication more than you picking up after him.
Obviously I don’t know you, but to me you need to work on how you communicate with others (even in this thread, info came out in drips, and sometimes gave a completely different slant on things) - and why you seem hell-bent on focusing on a vision of the future, without working on the basics of what is happening now.
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Hi OP,
Lots of different opinions here. All valid to some extent in my opinion. It seems that no one is entirely at fault.
I am in the camp though for sticking up for yourself abit more. I don't think your reaction was out of the ordinary. I know the way I would react if the first waking min someone started talking about what needs to be done cleaning wise. You may not have reacted perfectly, but he didn't either. Don't be putting all the onus on yourself to make things right. This doesn't make him a bad person, but he may lack insight in to how he made you feel at that moment. He should care how it may have came off. He should at least empathize that even if he didn't mean to cause this reaction, that he could see why it did. And you should have the confidence to tell him.
OP, I sympathize with being a people pleaser because I am one myself but I have worked on myself (self esteem) I am not doing this as much as I did.
That said the change in environment can make funny things happen for some people. I associate negative feeling to were I grew up.(not foreign) and I probably would be stressed in that environment. Maybe not the case here.
If you decide to keep going with this guy or it is resolved, I'd say next time you feel he is being inconsiderate or unmindful of your feelings you be sure to let him know. If he takes no responsibility. Get out.
And if it doesn't go further, I know relationships are hard. But make no mistake you will be much better for it. Relationships are as much about self discovery as discovering a new person. You know more about yourself, what you want and what you are willing to put up with. So fair play at getting out there and having a go at it. Best wishes
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Join Date:Posts: 7028
I think it's very insecure footing he's left you on saying.. 'the argument last weekend made him think about whether we have a future together.' How on earth are you supposed to take that? It's one thing to have lingering feelings about it, but I think it's another to say he's considering whether you have a future together.
Silly arguments over little things happen. Sometimes they escalate. You said you'd both had a tough week, so you overreacted. Not ideal, but you've acknowledged it and apologised. In the grand scheme of things you seem to be a very fair minded and decent person. As a couple you seem to work really well together, paying equally for things, doing your fair share. You've no reason to otherwise think you were on anything but solid enough ground given its only been a year.
The more you get to know each other, especially by living together, the more of each others character you're going to see. But I think to say to someone you're unsure about the future together, that's very unsettling.
I get that you don't want to sound clingy or OTT by bringing it up again but jees I'd have to say something. You could end up pushing him away, but at least then you'll know I suppose. Otherwise you're going to be living in limbo thinking the rug is going to be pulled at any stage.
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Thank you. I honestly believe that he's a good person. I am sure that there was no intention to manipulate me in any way.
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Thanks for your further reply laserlad.
No, the argument did not continue through the night. The argument started on Saturday morning and continued for a few hours. We did our own thing for a few hours. The argument started up again. He suggested taking a drive to help calm us both down. That went fine. We cam home and both went to bed on Saturday night as usual, but I don't think either of us slept at all due to the upset of the argument we had that day.
I had a long-standing arrangement for Sunday which wd have been very difficult to get out of. I said this to him, but he encouraged me to go saying that it would be good for both of us to have a little bit of space.
I fully accept that I was the cause of the argument escalating. I took what he said about the cleaning and my reactions too much to heart. Bringing up cleaning first thing on a Saturday morning just rubbed me up the wrong way. I apologised and have definitely learned from the experience. It definitely will not be happening again in the future, and I have assured him of that. As I've said, we have genuinely had a great relationship (up to recently) and disagreements have been extremely rare. It is certainly not the case that I have reacted like this on a regular basis in the past. Therefore, it was very much a once off so I don't think it would be fair to judge on the basis of that one incident.
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Do you guys live far away from each other in Ireland? I would have thought that meeting up during the week rather than weekends only is something that people do in a relationship that is of a years duration. But understand if you are at opposite ends of the country.
Communication is everything in a relationship and walking out (running away) on a discussion would not typically be a good sign for the other person. He may have just gotten a glimpse of this side of you that he didn’t see when it was weekends only and all sunshine and roses. It’s only when you live with somebody that compatibility and situations to really argue over occur.
Also, and it’s probably not the case but I’m playing devils advocate here - I know lots of people who settled into situationships over the pandemic because it was hard to meet people and it was nice to have somebody for ‘physical activity’ and companionship. They were ‘you’ll do for now’ type things.
I think you need to see if he is on the same marriage and babies train that you would like to be on by seeing what his thoughts are on when you come back to Ireland.
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We both live in Dublin, but I live on one side and he lives on the opposite side. Meeting in town would be the half-way point for both of us. A lot of my work took place in the evenings for the last few months so didn't really think about meeting during the week. We do talk on the phone for an hour every night though and have great conversations.
I definitely don't think our relationship is one of convenience for him. I suppose he wouldn't have invited me to his home country and introduced me to all his family and friends if that were the case.
I have been open and honest with him about what I want in the future. He has said that he wants to settle down and have a family at some point, but does not know when exactly. I wasn't sure if I was bringing up this topic too early on as we've just been together for a year and it's been a tough year considering the pandemic. Would couples usually discuss opinions on marriage and children after one year together? It's not like I want those things immediately. I just see them being part of my future plan.
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No, I think a year is too soon. I just thought it was what you were working towards with him personally.
And if you work evenings then only meeting on weekends makes sense, despite you both living in Dublin.
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Hi OP, firstly may I say you sound like a genuinely lovely person who’s clear on what you want for the future however the comment you made about having three relationships & possibly having to ‘go through all this again’ ie. break up has leapt out at me.
At 32, you’re still so young. Did you invest the same amount of expectation into your previous two relationships? How long did they last? Also how did those relationships end? Is there a pattern? I’m not intending to fire questions at you but I think it’s worth asking yourself these questions.
From everything you’ve told us so candidly so far it would seem to me that there’s an imbalance of depth of feeling in this relationship, to be blunt I suspect you have stronger feelings for your boyfriend than he now does for you.
I could be wrong, it could be the timing is off ie. you’re clearly ready for commitment & your boyfriend isn’t quite there yet. You could give it more time to see if you can both work on your ‘post pandemic’ life together but my feeling is that this probably isn’t the right relationship for you. There are too many red flags. I really wish you all the very best.
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Hi OP. First of all, breathe. Try to be kind to yourself today. You're abroad without a support network, having relationship difficulties and going down a rabbit hole as you can't see the wood for the trees. You're going to be ok, regardless of what happens in this relationship. This is not life or death stuff. So try to take that onboard as you figure things out. You'll be ok either way.
Second of all, you are far too attached to the outcome. You're 32, thinking weddings and babies and in full-blown scarcity mode - "I've already had two relationships, I have no time left, this one HAS TO work out". That's not how it works. It works out when it works out, on a timeline that can't be scheduled for, and usually when you're in a mindset that allows for the right partner to come into your life by screening out the things that you won't allow anymore. That experience has taught you are deal-breakers, incompatibilities, red flags. I'm seeing a few here, frankly. For example, you've defaulted into doing all the chores and didn't take kindly to doing more on a Saturday morning (pretty human, really) and suddenly your behaviour has to be policed lest your boyfriend throws another "not sure about our future" grenade your way. He's throwing grenades instead of trying to comfort you and make you feel safe in this new, if temporary, life abroad. You're not having important bigger-picture conversations with him - has he changed his mind about his future in Ireland? How will this living-together situation pan out when you're back in Ireland? Does he see a future with you, regardless of his own plans? What are his own plans? Can he clarify on wanting kids "at some stage" - does that mean with you, in the next say 5 years?
You are allowed to have needs and assert those needs, OP, regardless of what any dating advice column tells you. Without asserting those needs, you get no security, no feeling of safety or peace in a relationship and no equality - you're just going around people pleasing, doing chores and "moving in without moving in" and second guessing and muting yourself for fear of finding out something that feels intolerable. Like that this fella is not on the same page as you and it means you have a third breakup under your belt. That feels intolerable. But it's actually not, it's just life going closer in the direction of the things you want and need, in the long run. It's just screening out someone that wasn't compatible. If it comes to that.
I met my partner at 35. I lived abroad, he lived in Ireland. We had frankness and honesty from the beginning, I ended up quitting my job and my life abroad to come and live with him, now we're engaged a year later. I'm not saying this to gloat, I'm saying this to show you how transformative honesty and expressing your needs can be with the right person. There's no "scaring away" that person and you can get your needs met and get everything you want, but it does come at the cost of being capable of being vulnerable and things potentially not working out. You are 32. It's a tough age because you're still digesting "being in your 30s" and what that means. I think I felt "older" and more pressurised at 32 than I do now, at 36, because I've calmed down and gained a bit of perspective since then. You could break up with this guy and meet a new guy in 2 years, 3 years, and still have all the things you want. But you do have to learn how to assert your needs, whilst detaching from the marriage-mortage-babies by whatever arbitrary age you have in your head. Prioritise your own comfort, peace and happiness. Can you be happy and content with all the uncertainty and lack of clarity you're getting from this guy? What steps can you take, today, to move closer to clarity and comfort?
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‘bitofabind’ has given a really insightful level of detail above OP. It seems that you’re compromising too much as you’re in a singular mindset, overly investing perhaps too early in your relationships with the primary end goal being full commitment & all that entails.
That’s why my earlier post suggested you look at your previous relationships, there could be a pattern where by you’re so laser focused on the end goal of marriage, children etc. & that you’ve previously over compromised on who you actually are & your own other needs.
It’s exhausting to ‘play a role’ to become whom someone else may want us to be, you can only be you!
Truly look inward to firstly be open & honest with yourself. To then be vulnerable & open in communicating what we want in relationships is infact extremely brave & with the right person at the right time (timing is crucial!) I have no doubt you’ll find happiness. Take your foot off the accelerator a little. You’ll feel better if you do :) Once again, wishing you all the best.
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Thank you so much for your very kind words, Dog Day.
I'm the sort of person who can judge how I feel about someone fairly early on. But I'm thinking now that is something I will have to re-think.
My first relationship was in my early 20s, with a guy who was in his late 20s. The relationship ended after only 5 months as he felt that we were at different stages of our lives and I suppose, in hindsight, he was right.
My second relationship lasted 2 years and yes, my expectations were very high with him. We were actually engaged and this gave me a huge sense of security which I loved. We got engaged before living together full time which I know now, was a mistake. Anyway, when I started spending more time in his house, he started criticising everything I did.. there wasn't enough water in the pot, the food wasn't cooked properly. He also started to make demands on me, that I just couldn't meet at that time. We'd discuss issues and he'd bring up the same issue the following day. He was driving me crazy.. literally. The last straw was when he started an evening course and couldn't see me at all for nearly 4 months. Although, he was messaging me and saying that he wanted everything to go back to normal when his course was finished. Obviously, I wouldn't accept this and ended things. However, I was very upset and distressed when things ended.
I don't see any pattern with the three relationships I've had to be honest.
Thank you for your advice. Even though, it's not what I want to hear. You are probably right unfortunately.
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Thank you so much for your reassurance bitofabind. It's really helped to calm me down. I know this issue isn't a life or death situation and I have certainly been through a lot worse so you're right. I should put it into perspective.
We've talked a lot over the last few days. I've asked him bigger picture questions, but he says he doesn't know the answers. I tried to raise something with him last night (looking for some reassurance), but the conversation ended with him saying that we had talked a lot over the last few days and he didn't want to talk any more. He said that these discussions are having an impact on him and are affecting his sleep. So I left things. I don't feel I can talk to him anymore as it just annoys him.
I just want to say that I said that I want to get married and have a family. I just want to clarify that I meant in the future (but not too far off.) I'm certainly not looking for that to happen right now. I just hoped that I was working towards those things in the future with my boyfriend. I certainly don't spend every day thinking about when I'll get married and when I'll be able to start a family. It's just something I'd like in the future. I'm surprised that so many posters have pointed this fact out as I would have thought it was most people's intention in life.
Thank you for sharing your experience of love. It has given me hope for the future. You have shown me that there is nothing wrong with expressing my needs in a relationship and that I shouldn't worry about scaring someone away.
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