Housemate making food and noise late at night

10-08-2021 12:17pm #1

I posted not too long ago about my housemate behaving erratically. That has calmed down a lot and I believe it was due to stress. So all has been well and she’s been totally normal, so to speak.

However, she is still up late at night making food. I asked her if she could maybe not cook at 3am as we have a small apartment and it wakes me. She confided that she has “a bit” of an eating disorder, and she sometimes binges. But she won’t cook late at night anymore.

But she still is, and it drives me absolutely mad.

It’s her apartment too though and I’m taking her binging into consideration, so am I out of line expecting her not to be up making food and washing dishes (along with banging doors) at 2 and 3am?

It just doesn’t feel very fair when I’ve to be up at 7am and I’m becoming really annoyed about it.

Thank you.

Caranica · 10-08-2021 12:20pm

Remind us, are you joint tenants? I have a vague memory that she's a licensee of yours?

If so, tell her that midnight to 8am are quiet hours and she needs to respect that or move out.

Strumms · 10-08-2021 12:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117732820#Comment_117732820

This....

An eating disorder isnt a hall pass when it comes to making other peoples lives a misery.... an eating disorder doesnt give anyone the right to be up making a racket and depriving others of sleep.... you can actually cook without making a racket...

She could even prepare food and keep it in the fridge... just requiring microwaving when she wants / needs.

Padre_Pio · 10-08-2021 12:32pm

Regular hours are 7am to 11am. Fair enough if you make noise outside that, if you have legit reasons, like having to work early, the odd time having friends over etc, but there is ZERO reason to be cooking at 3am.

Have a bowl of cornflakes.

YellowLead · 10-08-2021 12:40pm

Why are you taking her binging into consideration???

I think you need to tell her that if she can’t stick to being relatively quiet after 12 or 1pm then she needs to move out.

Tork · 10-08-2021 2:10pm

OP, years ago a housemate took me aside for a word about the noise I was making late at night. I was only in my early 20s at the time and genuinely didn't know that all my clattering about in the dead of night was causing a problem. They even dropped hints at the time but I didn't know they were for me. I was mortified of course but I think the matter was soon forgotten about after I apologised and changed my ways.

You sound like you're afraid to confront this housemate directly but unless are more assertive, this behaviour will continue. Instead of asking Mary to "maybe not cook at 3am", it's time to tell her that she is continuing to wake you and that she can't be cooking at that hour of the morning. If she wants to have something to eat at 3am, why doesn't she have food ready to go in the fridge? If this was happening to me, I would have no issue with getting up next time she starts cooking and challenge her. Start the conversation with "Mary, you've woken me up again" and see where things go from there. She has already told you that she won't cook at night but here she is, back to her old ways. You need to be assertive and let her now, in no uncertain terms, that this noise has to stop.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-08-2021 4:09pm

This woman seems to have a lot of issues.... that aren't your problem.

This is, I think, your 3rd thread on her and if I'm not mistaken she's not living with you very long.

You do understand that you don't have to live with her, don't you? You are not responsible for managing all her 'quirks' and disturbances. Why do you think you have to?

Next time she starts making noise at 3am go down into the kitchen. Tell her to shut the fk up and tell her it's not working out and she needs to find somewhere to move to.

Rubberchikken · 10-08-2021 8:02pm

Maybe this person needs to be in their own space.

Food issues are difficult enough without them impacting on others.

Tbh I think you've been fair enough with her. She is an adult. She knows she has issues. It's up to her to do something about them.

Good luck

HildaOgdenx · 10-08-2021 8:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117733987#Comment_117733987

Exactly. This housemate is far more trouble than they are worth. She has been asked not to cook in the early hours, but does it anyway? The first time it happened after she had agreed not to do it, was the time to address it. Honestly, she needs to go.

Jequ0n · 11-08-2021 7:31am

It doesn’t matter what’s wrong with her,OP. What’s relevant is that she keeps ignoring agreements because she has realised that she can get away with it.

I have a habit of doing the same when someone is too “weak” to challenge it, and I can guarantee she will keep doing it while you are letting it happen.

cloudatlas · 11-08-2021 4:20pm

Of course making any noise when others are trying to sleep is unacceptable. It could be stress but I don't think it is only stress. This girl needs to get help and speak someone. You clearly can't cope as you keep posting about this so maybe it's time to ease your mind and tell her it's not working out.

fun loving criminal · 12-08-2021 8:36am

What does making food mean exactly?

Is she making toast? Or using the microwave to heat milk?

You can't expect someone not to eat if they're awake at night. She shouldn't have made excuses that she likes to binge eat.

Cereal and toast is fine but I think anything else I think is too much, especially since the smell of cooking can travel through the house but you don't seem to talk about the smell but you're more concerned about the noise. Tell her to be quiter.

bitofabind · 12-08-2021 10:31am

"Hey Susan, I've tried to be considerate of your issues so far, but as it's now impacting on my own ability to sleep and my stress levels, it's clear that this living arrangement isn't going to work out. I'm giving you a month's notice now and a new tenant will be moving on on X September."

machaseh · 12-08-2021 10:52am

If she is not doing night shift or anything like that she should not be cooking past midnight.

What is her work schedule like?

YellowLead · 12-08-2021 11:06am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117741339#Comment_117741339

I think OP mentioned her banging pots and pans.

Tork · 12-08-2021 11:29am

I've re-read your previous post, which I'd forgotten the finer details of. With that in mind, I think this 3am cooking is perfect leverage to tell her to leave. You're making excuses for her and minimising her odd behaviour. I bet you'd sooner walk across burning coals than confront her about her cooking. But seriously, you are not her mammy. You're not responsible for her. You don't have to live with her. Do you actually want to live with her?

fun loving criminal · 12-08-2021 12:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117742060#Comment_117742060

They said banging doors. Not pots and pans.

I don't think anyone is purposely banging doors, they are unaware how loud they are in the kitchen.

Tork · 12-08-2021 1:06pm

When you read the original post again, this flatmate sounds like more trouble than she's worth. I can understand why the OP doesn't want to ask her to leave because it's a difficult and upsetting conversation to have. But what's the alternative? I'm sure she is paying a lot of money to rent this apartment and she probably isn't able to fully relax there any more. Leaving aside the cooking issue, how can she be sure this flatmate won't get another bout of "stress" and do something else erratic.

17-08-2021 12:47am

Hi everyone, OP here.

So what I didn’t mention in my OP because I didn’t see the relevance is that this girl is a friend of a friend. She’s not exactly a stranger, which makes it awkward. I have asked her twice now not to cook at night and the last time I was pretty firm and she apologised.

Tonight, I woke up to noises from the kitchen, again. Went out and she was cooking pasta and had the washing machine on. I lost my cool a bit and told her I’m sick of this and I’ve asked her twice now to be respectful but she continues to wake me. She kept saying I know, and looked pretty shocked, but I was worked up and said “honestly I’ve no clue why the washing machine is on at 1am or why you are up making food again after saying you wouldn’t but I’ve had enough.”

So the next logical step is to ask her to leave, but honestly, apart from this she’s a brilliant housemate and there’s this issue of having a mutual friend. Part of me is also worried I’m out of line dictating when she can or can’t cook. But I’m fed up of being woken when I’m up early in the morning and right now it’s 1:45am and I’m wide awake again.

Jequ0n · 17-08-2021 1:37am

Who cares if she is a friend of a friend? She is **** annoying to live with, and everyone else would have kicked her out already. She will also have the same issues elsewhere as she does not adhere to rules, which is something you can’t afford it you don’t call the shots.

You can either use the momentum now and give her notice in the morning, or continue to be held hostage by your feelings of guilt and obligation.

Jeju · 17-08-2021 4:11am

Sit her down in ASAP and tell her the house share us not working out as you expected and give her notice, the shortest time possible. On the last day of the notice have someone ready to change the lock.

Hannibal_Smith · 17-08-2021 6:20am

You're not the one creating the awkward situation. Twice she's been asked not to cook at night and she continues. Cooking pasta at 1am is completely inconsiderate. You've been more than accommodating to a person who isn't reciprocating it. She's walked herself into this.

YellowLead · 17-08-2021 6:44am

OP your friend who recommended her, or passed her info, is going to understand. It’s not like you have no good reason such as you don’t like the sound of her voice etc - she’s a completely inconsiderate disruptive pain in the ass. And because she is a friend of a friend you’ve given her loads of chances. But this is it. Sleep is too important and for some reason this weirdo constantly defies your (and any normal person’s) wishes. Think of how nice it will be when she is gone!

Tork · 17-08-2021 9:35am

OP, unless your friend house-shared with this woman, he/she won't know what she's like as a flatmate. (If they did and recommended her, there are bigger questions to be asked...). What you've described isn't acceptable in a grown-up flatshare. People might put up with this sort of crap when they're students but you're now both older and working. I bet your friend wouldn't be happy if a flatmate was behaving like her. It isn't as if you haven't told her previously that you didn't want noise or cooking going on in the early hours. She acknowledged that to you, yet your message didn't get through. Either she doesn't respect you or she's just one of those people who'll always be a nuisance. You also don't sound like somebody whose personality is suited to being assertive. You only confronted her last night because you were pissed off.

After that exchange earlier, the nature of this flatshare has been changed irreparably anyway. If you take our advice and tell her to find somewhere else to live, it won't come as any surprise to her that you want her to leave. I would also worry about this previous "erratic" behaviour she displayed - the problems you've tried to brush off. There is no guarantee the circumstances leading to this behaviour won't arise again and she does something more serious than wandering into your room or going to the toilet with the door open. I'm thinking of things like putting something on to cook on the hob, forgetting about it and leaving the house or not plugging out the iron or hair straightener before she goes out. She's far more trouble than she's worth.

jmlad2020 · 17-08-2021 1:18pm

Is this the absolute Psycho who went into your room when you were sleeping? The drug taking housemate you mentioned a few posts ago? Get out of this psychotic houseshare. This is not normal behaviour. Avoid these types like the plague.

Get out, someone like that cannot help themselves and are probably medicated up

HildaOgdenx · 17-08-2021 2:29pm

There's nothing unreasonable about asking someone not to be cooking at all hours, especially in a small apartment, knowing that the other person has an early start in the morning. And even more so when they have been asked repeatedly not to do it. So, not only does she continue to do it, she decides to throw on the washing machine as well, in case she is not making enough noise. 🙄

The mutual friend is irrelevant really. It shouldn't even be part of the equation. If they want her to go live with them, well then, that's the only time they become part of the overall picture.

I'm puzzled by the fact that she 'looked shocked'. You mentioned bizarre behaviour previously and suspected she might be taking drugs. Is this why she doesn't appear to take on board something as simple as having consideration for other people, when she has been asked previously to desist from her late night kitchen habits?

You are only living together since July, if memory serves me correctly. And you have had more than one thread about her, but yet say she is 'a brilliant housemate'. I guess the threads maybe are just for venting, I don't know.

But as others have said, and I agree, this is your opportunity to get rid of her, for once and for all.

clothes hanger · 17-08-2021 7:46pm

I had a eating disorder in college and even though I didn't go to the extremes she did. Both empatise with ye both. She is obviously in a very bad plàce right not as are you. Have you tried talking about it to her? I don't think anyone wants to have an eating disorder when they grow up. It may be a result of certain circumstances. If you feel you cannot help her maybe it might be a good idea to have a serious conversation with her and reconsider your living arrangements if she doesn't listen. Your wellbeing is very important.

Strumms · 17-08-2021 8:10pm

Cooking is one thing, that’s bad but a washing machine going after midnight ? .... the cooking she might not have the awareness at a stretch but a washing machine? sorry she’s a grade A cûnt.. get rid and fast, with everything going on in the world, the stress and hardship we’ve all be through and for this craic then to be put on a person ?

qwerty13 · 18-08-2021 12:02am

I used to use the washing machine late at night when I shared with others! Granted none of us were early to bed people, and we all did it, but I honestly didn’t think anything of it at the time. It was only when I moved, and my kitchen backed on to next door’s kitchen, and I could (only vaguely) hear their machine early in the morning, that I realised it wasn’t good for me to be using mine late at night. That, and a machine that’s very noisy when it’s finishing its cycle. So she might not be really fully aware of it (even though I know you’ve said stuff to her). I’m wondering how she’d feel if you had the machine going at 7am :).

yerwanthere123 · 18-08-2021 1:11am

OP this is a no brainer, ask her to leave immediately. Most would've asked her to leave when they found her wandering around their room in the middle of the night, but now she's waking you up with behaviour that she'd been repeatedly asked to stop. You've been more than accommodating, you've been more than fair and you're not being a bitch by asking her to leave. Sounds like she's got personal stuff going on as you've alluded to, but that's really not your problem, harsh as that may sound. Who knows, maybe this might give her the kick up the backside to get her **** together.

I've had to have tough conversations with housemates I've lived with over the years so I do know how you feel, but this situation is already at breaking point and she's only been living with you for weeks. You need to give her her notice and ask her to leave. Yes it won't be pleasant, but you'll be relieved when it's done and she's gone. There's plenty of people out there who know how to behave responsibly in a house share.

Get rid!

Big Bag of Chips · 18-08-2021 7:08am

Your mutual friend doesn't have to live with her. Likewise she doesn't get to say that you have to stay living with her.

Your housemate agreement is between you two. If your mutual friend is that fond of her she can take her in, or arrange her next house share. She is not your responsibility, regardless of who she is.

Tork · 18-08-2021 10:16am

You aren't obliged to help or like your friends' friends. How many of us can honestly put our hands up and say we like all of them? You are looking for every excuse under the sun not to give this woman her marching papers but it's not going to solve this problem. This woman is not a good flatmate and if the rental situation was different, she'd be better suited to living on her own. Maybe that's why she comes to life when you're in bed - it gives her the chance to live as if she has the place to herself. Your relationship with her sounds like that of a primary school teacher repeatedly telling their class to be quiet. It works for a while but the noise always starts back up again.

If your mutual friend was saddled with a flatmate like this, do you think they would tolerate it for long?

Big Bag of Chips · 18-08-2021 5:58pm

If your friend doesn't know what this friend is like to live with, then she'll understand, and probably apologise for asking you to let her move in.

If she does know, and didn't tell you, well then she's not much of a friend

Rubberchikken · 19-08-2021 4:59am

She's more trouble than she's worth. If you want a peaceful night in your home then do the sensible thing and ask her to leave.

You don't owe her anything. Yes probably tough having an eating issue but the sheer lack of awareness for anyone else is inexcusable.

Galbin · 31-08-2021 3:04pm

I have a sleep disorder and used to have an ED too. So I do eat later than other folks. However, I would never disturb anyone by cooking that late. She can put a microwave in her room or get a mini fridge. You shouldn't have to be kept awake.

Housemate making food and noise late at night

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