feeling insecure help

Marymoore · 21-08-2021 8:00pm #1

I’ll put it out there and hopefully people can advise me. So my boyfriend and I have a child and live together. We had trust issues in the beginning of our relationship as I found he had loads of random girls on his Facebook and was looking at photos of them in bikinis and all. I told him it didn’t make me feel nice and he said it was all in my head and he wasn’t looking at anyone (I knew he was and he was only lying so as not to hurt me or to avoid a fight)… anyway I gained total trust in him and stopped thinking about those sort of things for years.

a few days ago he signed into a work messenger on my phone and left himself signed in. I noticed he was chatting inappropriately to a female colleague (this colleague had a very posing picture of herself up in a very inappropriate work photo) anyway I got some doubts and checked his laptop history. And what I found hurt me. He has been searching sexy photos of the same girl for the last 4 months regularly at like 3am at night. The girl is someone on a reality tv show and he would have gone to a lot of effort to find her Instagram. I asked him why he was searching the same girl and he said he finds her very attractive and admitted that he gets turned on by her. It’s so hurtful that I’m not enough for him. Why he feels like searching her rather than sleeping with me is so hurtful. It makes me feel very bad and inadequate. And he used to deny it but now he’s suddenly admitting it makes me feel like he simply doesn’t care about my feelings. I asked him would he cheat on me and he said no and this is why, implying that if he didn’t do this he would cheat. What is wrong with him? Am I right that something must be misssing for him to be doing this? It wouldn’t bother me as much if it was random porn but it’s that it’s the same girl he is looking up like an obsession..

I worry if someone like her showed interest in him he wudnt be able to resist cos hes so attracted to her.. are these valid concerns? Do you think it means he sees me more as a friend than a lover?

21-08-2021 8:28pm

I think that from your post you come across as very young or very immature.

You don't trust your boyfriend. That's the crux of it.

I'd say there is a much higher chance of your relationship ending because of your behaviour rather than his infidelity

TP_CM · 21-08-2021 8:46pm

Would it help to know that the vast vast majority of guys in relationships watch porn, and click on the 'summer' album of Facebook pictures of 'cute' girls at work? Literally every guy I've ever known. It's an unfortunate reality of life for heterosexual men. *Most* (I'm using most because I'm sure someone is bound to hit me with the rare exception who doesn't) lads are naturally coded to be with as many people as they can in their lifetime. But society doesn't work like that so they commit to someone for wonderful things like security, love and family, and try to balance that side of themselves with being a red blooded male in the animal kingdom. What's not cool is that he's obviously not balancing that side at all and has lost himself to the dopamine machine which is the internet.

Also, I'm in a few chats with work girl/guy friends and the conversations we have are utterly pornographic. Harmless banter really.

Haven't you ever swooned over someone? Have you never seen a tall dark handsome guy walking towards you on the street, giving you a 'mother may I!' moment?

He needs to learn the easy way or the hard way that he can't be in a loving and committed relationship and not nurture it. He needs to work harder at being part of you two, by the sounds of it.

One lucky thing maybe is that at least you're with a guy who tells you about it. Loads of guys pretend this doesn't exist. Basically jump on opportunities like this to try be some sort of perfect specimen who wants to stare at you all day and watch Pearl Harbour. 'You deserve to be with someone who only has eyes for you'. I can't strip anyone of their human instinct to take notice of an attractive person when they see one.

A couple of things we have which helps us maintain trust with each other is an open phone policy. My wife can look at my phone any time day or night if she wants. Same vice versa not that I ever have. No issues there. Pandemic aside, I try to make sure she has met any girl from work I chat to a lot. Also no phones/trchnology in the bedroom. Just us. Small things like that can help.

YellowLead · 22-08-2021 12:22am

The woman he is looking up is a celebrity? I wouldn’t worry about that. I mean everybody (or many of us) drool on celebrity crushes, it means nothing at all for most people.

Jequ0n · 22-08-2021 8:43am

This sounds exhausting. OP, this is exactly the reason why I delete my search history all the time. I cannot be bothered to be dealing with the drama that ensues should she try to look at my phone.

You are lucky enough to have a partner who talks about this, but it sounds like you prefer to be told what you want to hear. You are asking us for confirmation that he won’t cheat? None of us know you, and even then we couldn’t possibly answer it.

Regarding pictures/ flirting: There is a huge difference between having sex with your partner and just having a ****. During the latter you can relax and do not have to consider anyone else but yourself, it means nothing else. Like a quick escape from reality if you like.

From what I hear having a child at home makes it more difficult to find time for sex anyway.

Seriously, focus on your self esteem and how you can improve it. It will make the nagging voices shut up or at least quieten them down.

Marymoore · 22-08-2021 9:40pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117787123#Comment_117787123

Well she’s not exactly a celebrity. She’s a normal woman who happens to be on a tv show. I’m not worried he’ll ever meet her but he did look up girls he knew in real life in the past so I guess that’s what bothers me. If a girl he’s so attracted to and spends so much time thinking about came onto him, he probably couldn’t resist… he’s fantasising about other girls all the time.

if he can’t help **** over these other girls, then what is he with me for? Why doesn’t he fulfill his desires for other women.. I don’t get it

YellowLead · 22-08-2021 10:07pm

How is the rest of your relationship? Were you secure and happy until you found his search history? Or do you feel there is something off in general, and this is the tip of the iceberg?

Do you guys often have romantic moments or intimacy?

If everything else is rosy I wouldn’t worry about this, but if it isn’t this could be seen as part of a wider issue

A1Cork · 22-08-2021 10:47pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117786475#Comment_117786475

It seems to me that the two of you are on the internet and the two of you look things up and have your own out look on things. Dreaming of a girl for years or looking at porn. I would say delete the both of your apps or accounts and see what prevails from that.

Hannibal_Smith · 23-08-2021 8:22am

If he's looking up and sending flirty messages to someone he knows, I think that's a line crossed to be fair. If he's looking up celebrities he doesn't know, thats another thing.

You say you got over the issues you had in the beginning, but it really doesn't sound like it. You say he used to deny looking people up, so this is an ongoing issue? Equally it really doesn't sound like he's making an effort to put your mind at ease. I think telling you he finds her attractive and gets turned on by her is very hurtful. He used your phone to send a message and kept himself logged in. If he was really trying to keep it a secret that was a really stupid move. It sounds like he wanted you to find out.

Is the relationship good otherwise? Or is it a constant daily grind?

OMM 0000 · 23-08-2021 8:27am

I think your boyfriend is normal and you are creating a problem where there isn't one.

All men like attractive women and all men will sometimes (or often) look at photos of attractive women.

He's not going to leave you for her, but you might push him away.

Calm down and accept this is men and it's just the way it is.

Based on your insecurity I'd need to see the messages he sent his colleague before I am willing to accept they're actually flirty and it's not just you being incredibly jealous and insecure.

My advice to you is calm down. You are fine.

Dial Hard · 23-08-2021 10:28am

I'd be far more worried and annoyed about the inappropriate conversations with the colleague than him looking up some randomer from the tv, tbh. The latter is completely normal, imo. The former is a red flag.

osarusan · 23-08-2021 1:26pm

There are different issues there.

Him looking up some attractive woman on a TV show, I wouldn't worry about in the slightest.

Him being inappropriate in his messages to a colleague is an issue, if he really is being inappropriate. You seem to think that he should not find anybody but you attractive, which is ridiculous really - we don't lose our ability to find somebody attractive even if perfectly happy in a relationship, and it doesn't mean we find our partners inadequate or that there is something missing from the relationship. So if that's your perception on how he should feel, or your interpretation of his behaviour, maybe your bar for considering messages inappropriate is low also.

Finally, about saying he wouldn't cheat on you 'and this is why' - what exactly is the reason he is giving here? That looking up this celebrity is why he doesn't cheat?

That doesn't even make sense to me. I don't know exactly what he is saying here, but maybe that's something to get to the bottom of.

Rubberchikken · 23-08-2021 4:51pm

Inappropriate conversations with a.colleague cross the line imo.

Probably sounds naive but that's the way problems begin.

You need to talk to him. Calmly definitely. And then see how things go.

Good luck

Marymoore · 23-08-2021 7:04pm

I was secure before this and we would be intimate not too often but maybe once a week. We’re so tired and busy etc but I felt very confident in his love for me. Of course I know that men will find other women attractive but he admitted to masturbating regularly at night to photos of this girl. It’s hurtful. Is this normal for men too? It wasn’t just looking at pics he was clearly imaging having sex with her and numerous times!!

regarding his chats with a colleague I’ll say the sentences I saw.. she herself wasn’t flirting too much back but his were things like…

“you are the best , hugs “

”you teach me everything”

”you’re a beautiful girl no wonder they listen to you”

winks etc..

”you are great”

-using her name all the time and praising her

Dial Hard · 23-08-2021 7:11pm

Tbh it sounds like he has massive boundary issues. There's absolutely no need for him to be sharing his masturbation fodder with you (making you feel like crap in the process) and he's definitely overstepping the bounds of propriety with the colleague (who's probably being made quite uncomfortable by the whole thing).

I genuinely think all of this might be naivete if not downright obliviousness on his part but a frank and honest conversation definitely needs to be had, before he finds his relationship in serious trouble and himself in front of HR.

Tell me how · 23-08-2021 7:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117786404#Comment_117786404

Given this is the second post in the thread and the OP it responded to, this post right here is a text book example of gaslighting.

OP, others who are suggesting you talk to your partner are giving advice worth paying attention to. It's reasonable to get guidance from the internet, the answers however need exploration in real life.

23-08-2021 7:42pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117794611#Comment_117794611

Lol. Gaslighting.

Nothing of the sort.

TheadoreT · 23-08-2021 8:14pm

How do you actually feel about him??

Everything you write is centered around him accepting you and your insecurities surrounding this. You literally haven't said one good thing about him, you're not having sex often and he's arguably having an emotional affair, or at least crushing hard on a colleague.

Is someone validating their love for you more important than your love for them? None of this sounds particularly healthy.

Big Bag of Chips · 23-08-2021 9:08pm

You know you get a say, don't you? You seem to be waiting for him to make all the decisions. You seem to be waiting for him to decide whether you're enough for him and he'll give up the flirting with a colleague (looking up pictures of someone off the telly is lower end of the scale).

Why not decide that YOU'RE not willing to wait for him to decide you're enough and that he doesn't get to be in a relationship with you, having the comfort and security of the family life, and having the freedom to have a bit of a flirt with a work colleague. It's telling that the return messages from her aren't exactly flirty. She's probably used to fella's coming on to her, and not giving the attention back.

People are always told to trust their gut instincts. Your gut is telling you something is not quite right with this fella. Now some people will tell you you're paranoid or you're driving him to it. But you know that's not true. If he's not happy with you, or if you're behaviour is driving him to get attention from somewhere else then he should just make the decision to move on. But he wants the best of both worlds. You seem like a genuine person. But I think your partner is taking advantage of your good nature and trying to convince you you've got it all wrong.

People who tend to not trust their gut end up regretting it.

Redderthanever · 23-08-2021 9:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117793218#Comment_117793218

I read her post as meaning the reality TV star is the same woman this guy works with, the one who he is googling and sending suggestive messages to (plus more).

I completely understand how you're feeling OP, perving on celebs that are unattainable is normal enough (like Emily Ratajkowski or someone out of most people's league) but the fact that he's looking at a woman online who he has contact with is disrespectful, not to mention the inappropriate flirting going on. It sounds like an emotional affair of sorts, even if it's completely one-sided. You are the mother of his child and deserve much more than having a partner that makes you feel less than with his disrespectful behaviour. Decide what you want to do and what's best for your mental health. He should be crawling over broken glass to try keep his family together to be honest.. Good luck

Tork · 23-08-2021 10:18pm

Was your child planned?

Neyite · 24-08-2021 11:00am

Crushing on someone in the public eye is normal, as is sometimes getting off on that crush privately.

The chat with the colleague IS an issue. It's unprofessional, but also it's sleazy particularly if she's not responding in kind, it could possibly be construed as sexual harassment in the workplace depending on the content and be particularly problematic if he's in a role senior to her. What she wears or how she dresses in her work photo is between her and her employer and if it breaks dress codes it's up to them to discuss with her. That's just the work part of it.

The other part is that it's impacting on your relationship. Flirting with other people is always dodgy territory and my yardstick is "would this hurt my partner/relationship" and if I think my answer might be yes, I steer clear. There are some couples who are fine with a bit of flirting and that's fine - for them. You on the other hand, don't like it, so he should be steering clear knowing that it erodes his relationship with you. He knows, because he did it before and you forgave him on the basis he wouldn't do it again. So now he is doing it again.

Maybe he is happy to take that risk, and doesn't value your relationship the way he should, in which case you need to decide if that's enough for you or not. Or it could be that he thinks there is no risk because you wouldn't dump him now that you are a few years in, you forgave him for it once and you've now got a baby to raise together.

If he wants to cheat, he will cheat. You can't stop that, you can't police that. Trying to keep tabs on him will make you utterly miserable. And only you can decide what behaviour is acceptable in your relationship, and whether to walk when it's not the standard you have agreed on.

Housefree · 24-08-2021 11:08am

Show your boyfriend how to use incognito mode, problem solved

manonboard · 24-08-2021 11:11am

OP, you sound like you are very insecure about his actions, yet his actions would largely be construed as totally normal for most people.

To be very blunt, His feelings for others sexually dont turn off just because he is with you. Thats not how men work. He's going to have feelings for others, mostly sexual, mostly fantasy. These things are never going to stop. The way you said it makes you feel like you are not enough for him? Thats your own quite warped conclusion. If you think a guy is going to not be lusting after others through out his life because he met you, and that you are suppose to fill so much of his sexual appetites after many years.. that he will never feel those things. Its a delusion you have built up in your head.

He will definitely lie to you about it, because your reactions to him being honest are quite upsetting and drama filled. Why would he be honest about these things when there is going to be a never ending drama that comes off them. He knows he still loves you. He knows he still finds you attractive. There's nothing to be gained by being upfront about these things if its going to have only a negative reaction. Like what could you possibly want from him? To NOT feel attracted or fantasize about hot girls he knows or looks up on the internet? Thats crazy to approach that.

I have a very healthy set up with my partner(s) (over the years).. I tell them who i crush on, i tell him who i find attractive. I tell them why, and what fantasies i might have from time to time. They support me on them, they get a giggle over slagging me about them. They know i would NEVER cheat on my partner because we trust each other to build a relationship that maximizes our happiness... so cheating would be a self defeating move and we love ourselves to much to self defeat.

I'd like to suggest to you to completely stop making drama about this. Sit down and tell him you want to completely reinvent how you both approach these things. You can both celebrate and enjoy the other persons sexual dynamics, the crushes, the flirting (in small innocent doses), the new information you will learn about your partner. You can use all this information to play together and enjoy better sex. If you continue to push a man into hiding his sexual elements from you because you feel insecure about them, the only possible result is that he will hide his sexual side from you. You will become something that hinders his sexual expression rather than help develop it. Then they just become unsatisfied and seek it else where through porn, colleagues, or celebrities.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-08-2021 12:33pm

OP, you sound like you are very insecure about his actions, yet his actions would largely be construed as totally normal for most people.

OP, flirty conversations with colleagues might be "totally normal" for some people. But if it's not for you, then you are perfectly entitled to say so without accusations of being insecure.

I trust my husband. I have to. Im not generally insecure or jealous. But if I came across flirty texts between him and a colleague I have to say it'd bother me.

It's fine if this is something that's a "thing" for a couple. But if it's not a "thing" for you then you shouldn't be made to feel at fault for it. We all have our limits. And I think most people would admit this is a limit for them.

I hope you're OK, OP. It can be hard when you have people convincing you that your wrong for having natural emotions. But, you're choice is, do you tolerate this and accept he will always do this. Or do you draw your line and say no more. Its then up to him to decide is flirting with colleagues more important to him than his relationship. You're not holding him against his will. He can make his decisions as well as you can.

Wabbit Ears · 24-08-2021 12:47pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117794587#Comment_117794587

The quote feature on Boards sucks absolute balls.

anyhoooo. absolutely zero of what you posted there in the boyfriends chats is inappropriate. Being nice and saying nice things to people is normal. I walk with a group of girls and this stuff gets said all the time cos theyre a group of really positive people.

Redderthanever · 24-08-2021 4:59pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117797200#Comment_117797200

Completely disagree to be honest, I would find the messages inappropriate, particularly when you know he's looking at numerous (provocative?) photos of same colleague online at 3am. It's one thing to have a crush, it's another to actively persue it.

Regardless OP if it makes you feel bad then that's the yardstick to judge it by. We all draw a line somewhere as to what behaviour is acceptable or unacceptable in a relationship.. This is yours, and that's valid. Now you have to think about what your next step is and whether you're willing to compromise on this.

Dial Hard · 24-08-2021 6:04pm

I think you're assuming the tv person and the colleague are one and the same. Multiple readings of the OP's various posts have me pretty sure they're not but perhaps she could clarify.

The messages to the colleague are inappropriate either way and only made moreso if she is the tv person in question (again, for clarity, I don't think this is the case).

I'd be deeply uncomfortable if a colleague sent me those and believe me, I'm well able for a bit of witty-slash-flirty banter. There's an almost worshipful tone there that's just downright weird. To me, anyway.

Redderthanever · 24-08-2021 6:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117798749#Comment_117798749

Yeah on second reading I think you're right, the same girl refers to photos of the reality star, rather than the colleague. Thanks for clarifying. I still wouldn't be impressed by the messages to a co-worker though in all honesty, scrolling through photos of a reality star wouldn't bother me due to the fantasy element to it.

feeling insecure help

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