Work Crush, at my age.

It’s more common than you think, but you need to be very very careful here and don’t ever think of taking things further. Subconsciously it could have been a coping mechanism for you both during the past year and a half and also, as she seems happily married, probably sees you as a ‘big brother or father figure’ type and obviously trusts you. I would suggest taking a few steps back here, for each of your sakes, try to create more of a professional relationship with her, talk about your spouse to her indicating how content your marriage is. Also, I would avoid any nights out etc where alcohol is involved as, if either of you have a little bit too much, things can be said, or done you’d both could regret thus totally spoiling the relationship. You could still have a good friendship with her but take it back a little, especially if your colleagues are noticing.

Learn to say no to yourself.

It's that simple.

Don’t beat yourself up about it, as you say, mid-life…which does tend to trigger different emotions. If your having difficulty in coping with your feelings, pop into a therapist and have a chat, they’ll help you and it would be so much better to talk things out with somebody who can help you. Also, if you don’t already, try some meditation, loads of really good free wellness apps out there, might help you to ground yourself.

I think what you're experiencing is pretty human OP. Being married doesn't mean other women won't be attractive to you or you won't think, "what if?" with someone you feel a connection to for the rest of your days. Being married means you made a choice, and that choice continues every day. You choose your wife and choose to ignore the feelings that don't prioritise or respect her.

Feelings are just feelings anyway, you can't stop them, but equally they don't have to dictate the actions you take in order to live a responsible life. If I followed my feelings today I'd be still in bed and eating a late breakfast of hob nobs and ice-cream. Acknowledge the feelings, explore if they're giving you any helpful info about your life, and move forwards with integrity and honour. Maybe they're indicating to you that you need to manage the stress of the job more constructively (like creating a better work-life separation, a better emotional connection with your wife, etc), rather than you actually having meaningful feelings for this person that would just lead you to a lot of self-sabotage and destruction.

I wonder how many people have lost their wives, their children, their homes, and their savings over twenty minutes of sex with someone they had a crush on.

I wonder how many divorces started with that thought?

I'm not saything this reflects you or your behaviour, just my 2c worth

SCENARIO 1:

a.) Imagine that things develop between you and the co-worker and you begin to have sexual relations

b.)Now plan out the conversation that you will have with your wife to tell them that you are seeing another woman

c.)Carefully detail what will happen after that conversation, counselling, moving out, separation, divorce, telling your parents, friends and family, selling and dividing your assets, financial impact etc. Calculate the effort, cost, impact of it all.

Do you still believe that A>(B+C). If no then maybe change your interaction with the co-worker. If yes, then maybe be a little more direct in appropriately communicating how you feel about her, in case she does not feel that same way and you are wasting your time and risking your marriage unnecessarily.

SCENARIO

2: You get a call from HR. You are advised of a complaint being made about the way to interact with your co-worker. She states that she thought she had a positive working relationship with you and that she had considered you somewhat of a mentor given your significant experience and the not insignificant age difference. However recently she feels that you are behaving in an inappropriate manner. You are orchestrating scenarios to spend time with her, and she feels you are engaging in a slightly non-professional almost flirtatious and overtly personal manner. Although you have not explicitly done or said anything directly harassing she has noticed a pattern that she is uncomfortable with and has gone to HR to raise her concerns / discomfort.

Are you confident that you had said and done nothing that would lead to such an interpretation, correctly or incorrectly?

If yes, and you’re still happy after scenario 1, then go for it 😁

Otherwise, step back and re-evaluate what you are doing and the potential for damage. 

Know someone who didnt say no about four or five years ago. All kinds of hurt & heartache caused to his wife, kids, both extended families & the woman colleague. The couple separated & the woman had to leave her job. The couple got back together & had counselling afaik but his wife still doesnt speak to his extended family because they tried to support him during the separation. Lots of damage caused.

On the other hand lots of people who work together enjoy a bit of flirting and banter / fun / laughter and it doesn't go any further. Just be aware that if you cant say no you need to be prepared for the fall-out.

You're very hard on yourself by adopting the username midlife moron. People can develop crushes at any age and the important thing is to deal with them in a mature way. Intellectually, you know that acting on your feelings will end in disaster. Even if this doesn't affect your career, the consequences for your home life are likely to be very grim indeed. If you know anybody (male) who has been through a separation or divorce, a chat will be quite an eye opener. The last year and a half have been very odd times for most of us. It's likely things have gone stale at home for you in more ways than one. You've probably seen far more of your wife than you normally would've done. You've not had the same social outlets as you did and you won't have been able to do many of the things you normally would've. So perhaps this crush on your colleague has become your mind's way of relieving the tedium and shaking things up a bit. It's interesting that you said you weren't thinking so much about her when you weren't working with her. That's the key to reducing the intensity of this, I think. Can you busy yourself with work and make yourself less available for chats and banter? It's usually distance and less contact that makes crushes fade anyway. Also, after being married for so long things at home probably need a bit of a shake-up. Are there any things you and your wife could do to shake up your routine? Like going away for a short break or doing more things together?