Friendship ended?

road_high · 12-09-2021 5:14pm #1

Bit of an odd experience for me, but texted an (now ex) friend to check up with them after months (I’m terrible at keeping contact up). Anyhow could sense the atmosphere was a bit frosty from the replies- I get a text back saying we are not friends, wish you well but please do not contact me again. Now, I never had any clash with this person (they are American and a bit full on and not as chilled as I’d be used to). Obviously I text back saying fair enough and I respect their decision.

has anyone experienced like this on a plutonic level? Maybe it’s an American thing whereby they are far more direct than us and clear out friends as time goes by? I think it’s a shame but if someone doesn’t want anything to do with me then that is clear enough for me. I’m a little sad and disappointed they feel that way but I guess that’s the way it is.

Pauliedragon · 12-09-2021 5:21pm

I think you've answered your own question with the last sentence. It's not nice but I'm sure you can move on. Friends come and go over time and whilst I think that reply you got was pretty rude it's clear this person has no interest in continuing any form of relationship. I would just forget and move on. Life's too short to dwell on these things.

road_high · 12-09-2021 5:24pm

Yea I was taken aback- can understand a friend being a little annoyed as I’m not good at maintaining deep friendships but going so far as don’t contact me again did hurt on some level. I’ve people I haven’t seen for years but still consider them friends on some level

ZX7R · 12-09-2021 5:32pm

At least they were honest and straight up front about it.

Irsh people have a habit of draging out or trying to keep a friendship going even when it is toxic.

acequion · 12-09-2021 6:01pm

The "do not contact me again " bit is definitely a shock to the system but as another poster put it, it is very honest on the part of your ex friend. Maybe all the isolation of the pandemic brought a lot of people face to face with certain aspects of their lives and what they did and didn't want in their friendships. And maybe it made people crankier too.

I would take it in a "it's not you,it's me" spirit, but still something to learn from. I had a platonic friend break up with me once. I'd been breezing in and out of that person's life quite casually and they didn't like the over casual nature of the friendship. And that's fair enough. Once I got over the hurt I took it as a lesson to value the good friendships more and to make more effort.

All you can do is learn from it and move on.

notAMember · 12-09-2021 6:07pm

That is just an obnoxious thing to say without any justification going with it. Hurtful for no reason, the very definition of rude.

I wouldn’t have replied as you did OP, you’re more tolerant than me.

road_high · 12-09-2021 6:09pm

Yes it was a lack of effort from my part as they’d alluded to me not calling and not meeting up for a number of years (we don’t live close by) so how could we considered friends? I guess some people want more and different things from friendships.

it is a lesson for future, I do need to make more effort

notAMember · 12-09-2021 6:13pm

They are very demanding.

I have some dear old friends I have not seen in a decade or more. We often go year or more without a text, they live in other countries. I see them when our paths cross and we reminisce. That’s just being an adult.

Also, Covid happened.

road_high · 12-09-2021 6:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117881801#Comment_117881801

I am not interested in arguments or chasing people either. The text was blunt but clear. I did apologise as to anything I may have said or did. They did text back after actually saying if you want to participate in more active friendship they’d like to but to be honest it would be hard to come back from the initial cut off text. To me telling someone not to contact them is very clear

Maxface · 12-09-2021 6:24pm

It's not about the response, your issue is the anxiety it has given you about the response. You said it has been a few months, it is what it is. From their side they have decided they are done with the relationship, you held on for a while but never kept it going. Job done. It is your feelings and anxiety that are saying it was more and deserved a better end that has annoyed you. You don't deserve that but feel like you do. That's it, move on and no harm. I'm being a bit harsh but that's how life is.

headtheball14 · 12-09-2021 9:26pm

I think it's fair enough, you might have felt hurt by their text but they obviously felt more hurt by the way you dropped in and out of their friendship.

If you wondered what you did wrong, well ponder over how they felt when you didn't respond to their messages or calls and wondered what they did wrong.

I think just take it that they think you are a nice enough person but you need to be more considerate of your friends feelings in future take the lesson on board and do better.

sporina · 12-09-2021 11:14pm

i have a feeling that we are not getting the full picture here - can you tell us more? like, when wer ye last in touch? and how did ye get on? how did ye part company? etc

Mic 1972 · 13-09-2021 4:44pm

Is it a friend or more friends?

you said "this person" and then "they are American"

qwerty13 · 14-09-2021 5:04am

You just have different friend styles. I have friends for a long number of years where we might not be in touch for ages, but pick up right where we left off. I’m trying to think of the longest gap in those kind of friendships, I’d roughly say almost a year with no contact. There might be a few texts on one side - or the other - but I’d estimate that we contact each other within 12 months. No one really seems to mind though.

I think your friend expected far more regular contact, and that’s ok. But it’s also ok for that not to be your thing. So I’d guess that most Irish people would just let a disparity like that drift - but perhaps your American friend is being rather more direct about their expectations (hope I haven’t gone overboard on the National stereotypes there).

Theres no point in trying resurrect it: you friend will be monitoring you, and you’ll be performing. So not a real friendship. I’d say just let it all go. It doesn’t mean that either one of you have unreasonable expectations: just that your expectations do not suit each other

Hector Savage · 14-09-2021 9:06am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117881840#Comment_117881840

I think part of the problem is you're being too nice, apologising and asking did you do anything to offend them - they are exploiting that fact to treat you this way.

I don't think I would have been as diplomatic as yourself.

Delete their number, move on, anyone who responds this way to a platonic friend obviously has issues and is not happy, you dodged a bullet.

ghoulfinger · 14-09-2021 9:33am

I did this once about 4 years ago. Won’t go into details as I don’t want person identifying me but my then mate had been what I would call playing a part of best friend in the world, rather than being sincere about it. I’m an upfront sort of person and at the end of the day I find myself setting boundaries. This pal had annoyed me a little by being somewhat judgemental, not necessarily just of me, but over a lot of things. Nobody’s perfect, least of all me, so had been overlooking that little annoyance for some tine.

Things turned sour on a particular occasion when I would have expected this friend to show their presence. The excuse offered was absolutely pathetic, and in retrospect I could only put it down to an occasion when I might have been in a position as a volunteer worker to do this person a particular “favour”; had I done so it would have worked against the good of the charity, so I diplomatically as possible de lines to do so. I texted them not to contact me again and that was that. I did want to cool off the friendship rather than necessarily end it, but in the long run it has been no loss at all. I did send a follow-up message to explaining I was hurt, and that should we happen to encounter each other in life that I would always be cordial etc and that I expected they had their reasons for acting in that cold manner. This country is way too small to build a catalogue of enemies and it is just generally bad karma.

OP, you have likely totally inadvertently and unintentionally managed to upset your former friend. They likely have been in a bad place for reasons not fully known to you. Irrespective of what they said, I would just send a short note to say you don’t know where you went wrong, you no hard feelings and hope they are ok. Life’s just too short and you want peace of mind.

dinneenp · 14-09-2021 9:38am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117881811#Comment_117881811

You say there was a lack of effort from your part; did your ex-friend have some major event/challenge and you weren't there for them? They told you about something and you weren't supportive? I'm guessing but something like that could be the straw that breaks the camels back.

Tork · 14-09-2021 10:10am

I've seen people here give the advice to send a "We're not friends, don't contact me again" message to the person they want gone from their lives. Here we can see what happens when the person at the other end gets one of these. You'd need to have a hide like a rhinoceros not to be shaken when something like this pops up on your phone. Maybe this former friend is more direct than other former friends you've let drift from your life - perhaps they too have negative feelings about you. Only you can answer that question.

road_high · 14-09-2021 10:35am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117887973#Comment_117887973

I do think there’s a cultural clash here alright and that is relevant. I suppose I just don’t get this person if I’m honest and for me it’s all completely out of proportion. I do think and know they “fancied” me and I had no interest so I am thinking that was maybe a factor. I was clear on that at the time and thought it was parked (at least for me). Maybe there is still some smouldering resentment there.

remember at one stage they’d be constantly texting me or if I was online Facebook they’d message me. This really isn’t me and if I’m honest drove me a bit crazy. It felt clingy and suffocating

road_high · 14-09-2021 10:38am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117888821#Comment_117888821

Yes I was a bit taken aback as yes we’ve all drifted with friends but as regards cutting then off completely, that was a new one on me.

Donald Trump · 14-09-2021 10:43am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117888940#Comment_117888940

Any chance they thought you were leading them on or using them? Given that you know they fancied you? Or that now they've realised it's not going anywhere and have moved on.

road_high · 14-09-2021 10:43am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117888541#Comment_117888541

I couldn’t be bothered getting into an argument. For what? It’s not like they are a massive part of my life on a day to day basis. Tbh the “friendship” will probably naturally fizzle out after this. I didn’t feel like this and would have been happy to pop in and out as you would but have a different view of the person now.

road_high · 14-09-2021 10:47am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117888974#Comment_117888974

Perhaps they did but it was clear from my end there was nothing more. Definitely no leading on!

mrcheez · 14-09-2021 10:52am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117886080#Comment_117886080

"they" can refer to the singular

Hector Savage · 14-09-2021 1:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117888975#Comment_117888975

Good, don't waste any more time on this person - but I reckon they want you to react ... it's a ploy for attention, don't say anything but would not surprise me if they pinged you in some days/weeks ...

km991148 · 14-09-2021 1:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117886080#Comment_117886080

I think its very obvious from the post that the person is talking about one single person (as the third person).

I would assume they are not using he/she/him/her etc because they are maintaining some anonymity, given the nature of this forum.

road_high · 14-09-2021 2:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117889952#Comment_117889952

Yea, talk about fcukin drama!

I am me123 · 14-09-2021 3:50pm

Is there any more of a background to this? Had there been any kind of a falling out prior to you recieving this message?

My advice - remember the phrase "Friends come and go". You will meet more people and develop more friendships as you move through life.

Keep positive. Good luck.

sporina · 14-09-2021 10:08pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117888940#Comment_117888940

really? - you shud have mentioned this from the start.. let it go - respect their boundaries/dignity.. imo you shud leave them alone.

road_high · 14-09-2021 10:57pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117892690#Comment_117892690

Oh for Christ’s sake some of the “advice” here is borderline ridiculous at times. It can be possible to have platonic friendships and park other peoples baggage. And no I don’t have to mention every detail to you

Tork · 14-09-2021 11:08pm

I think this other person fancying you led to this backlash. It's entirely plausible that their anger, frustration and resentment built up over time as they came to realise that (1) their feelings weren't reciprocated and you weren't interested and (2) they weren't that important to you. It's obvious you saw the friendship very differently to them and in the end it was a bad fit. You're not geographically close to this person so it probably would've been better to let this fizzle out, especially if you thought they had a crush on you.

Anyway, I think it's good that you've had a wake-up call in regards to your other friendships. It's good not to let them all die on the vine.

Hannibal_Smith · 15-09-2021 6:35am

The old cliché of you're better off is so true road_high. Sometimes 'friendships' are a huge mismatch and neither realise it until the cord is cut.

Its such a shame when a friendship comes to such a definite end, but sometimes its needed. The hassle of having to remember to stay in touch just to preserve some sort of connection/avoid the cold shoulder is a lot of work that no one needs in a friendship right now!

They've ripped the plaster off, it'll sting for a bit, but you'll move on and be better off in the long run.

Hector Savage · 15-09-2021 8:12am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117888940#Comment_117888940

That changes things - a lot.

sporina · 15-09-2021 9:36am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117892817#Comment_117892817

oh gosh OP - you seem to lack some understanding here.. she fancied you - you didn't feel the same.. thats fine - but she doesn't wanna be friends - can you understand why that might be?

Patsy167 · 15-09-2021 11:43am

People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

It is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty,

Or to provide you with guidance and support,

To aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON,

It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,

The season eventually ends.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;

Those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person anyway;

And put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being part of my life,

Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime

Mic 1972 · 16-09-2021 9:08am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117889019#Comment_117889019

That's new to me

They is plural, He/She/It is singular

mrcheez · 16-09-2021 10:20am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117898375#Comment_117898375

you can use "they" when you don't want to specify gender

https://www.google.com/search?q=using+they+for+one+person

Quags · 16-09-2021 10:38am

Jaysus, friendships come and go & if the other party was that interested in keeping contact then they would have. We are all adults and have our own issues to worry about without thinking if your friend is upset that you didn't text them to check up. Just get on with your life and forget about them

boardlady · 16-09-2021 10:39am

If a 'friend' is starting to drag me down, annoying me, being clingy or otherwise leaving me feel less than after an encounter with them, I tend to make a decision to drift away. I've done this a few times - maybe a handful - throughout my life. I don't want to fall out with people over little differences so I just stop making contact. Usually, I might have to deflect a couple of reaches out with 'too busy' etc but I will not fall out with them. Not everyone is suited to close friendship and I have loads of acquaintances - some on a cup-of-coffee basis too - but am too busy to keep up with the ones who leave a bad taste in my mouth. However, I do not want to be hurtful, simply extricate myself from the meet ups! If we bump into one another, I am perfectly friendly and if they mention not having seen/heard from me, I always play the 'very busy' card. I never offer to re-engage though. I'm interested now to know how i'm viewed!🙄

acequion · 18-09-2021 5:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117893687#Comment_117893687

Yes but the OP has stated that he made it very clear to this friend that he didn't return the attraction so that was the time for the friend to call it a day. Maintaining a friendship in denial of the reality and in hope of something more is a reflection on the friend and not the OP. Rather pathetic, not to mention dishonest, if the friend said they'd respect a platonic friendship and then got the hump because the OP didn't act like a lover.

hesaidshesaid · 18-09-2021 5:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117881840#Comment_117881840

This is the important one IMO. Do you want to participate in a more active friendship with someone who you know had/ has feelings for you? It seems you don’t and to be honest, it sounds like a minefield.

Your gut feeling was right. Walk away from this person and invest more in your other friendships with people who have the same expectations as you.

sporina · 18-09-2021 10:47pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117908771#Comment_117908771

gee it goes without saying - v few wanna just be mates with someone they fancy - one shud know and respect that if the person involved wishes so.. are you projecting @acequion ?

acequion · 19-09-2021 12:28am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117909769#Comment_117909769

Gee but why are you taking such issue with other people's views and why are you getting personal at people, ie am I projecting? What would I be projecting? And why all the text slang, "wanna","shud"? Sorry but it's hard to take somebody seriously when they won't take the trouble to type out proper words.

Also, you have completely misrepresented my original point. Maybe you just didn't get it!

Zak Flaps · 19-09-2021 2:09am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117888940#Comment_117888940

And you wonder why this person doesn't want anything to do with you?

Is this a joke?

Or are you just bored and looking for attention?

Hannibal_Smith · 19-09-2021 8:07am

Mod Note

@acequion and @sporina leave the back and forth sniping there thanks. Its of no benefit to the OP

@Zak Flaps Please read the Charter before posting in PI again. If you cannot offer constructive advice to the OP without belittling them, then please do not post and move on to another thread.

HS

road_high · 21-09-2021 2:38pm

Just popping back to this. Great advice generally so thank you all very much. As for some of the replies, the less said the better. But my fault for engaging. Some people really do see 1+1 and get 5. The story is as is and that’s all these was to it. I’ve barely thought about it after the initial “shock” and as people have alluded to- put it behind , learn and move on.

sporina · 21-09-2021 10:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117920107#Comment_117920107

best of luck OP!

dublin49 · 21-09-2021 10:29pm

just glossed the replies but my sense is the friend fancied the OP,reckoned perhaps correctly there was little if any reciprocal interest and decided to enjoy the short but immediate pleasure of a snarky text.As Shakespeare I think wrote "The Lady doth protest to much"

Happydays2020 · 25-10-2021 10:14am

As someone above suggested: delete the number and move on. Things happen and life is too short to chase down a friendship that does not want chasing.

Friendship ended?

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