Regretting a break up

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 1:58pm #1

Hi All

Myself and My ex GF , Broke up in March after a 4 year relationship. I am 30 years old and she is 29. We had been living together and saving for a mortgage for the best part of the final two years. In March 2020 we had both planned to move home to our parents houses in order to focus on saving seriously for a deposit etc.

Low and behold the week we moved out of the apartment was also the week Lockdown 0.1 came about. I live in Dublin while the ex moved back to the midlands , during the first 6 weeks of lockdown we didn't see each other and this naturally had a strain on our relationship. After the lockdown we began to do couple things again and the relationship got back on track.

Fast forward to January just gone and lockdowns played another part in messing things up. We began to argue over the slightest things, Looking back now it was massively immature on both sides but hey what's done is done and what not. Constant arguing over the smallest issues and thinking we where unhappy with each other.

In February we mutually decided that maybe we should split up , We did, and by the end of may we had sorted out our finances and removed money from joint accounts etc.

2 weeks ago I noticed that she was away on holidays with a new bloke and this has absolutely floored me , I feel like I've been hit by a bus and cannot stop thinking of her and how I feel about her.

Sorry for the somewhat long post but should I let her know how I feel or live to regret this.

TIA

Big Bag of Chips · 22-09-2021 2:12pm

You say you mutually decided to split. Which means both of you decided it wasn't working.

What's different now? Or what would be different? A lot of time has passed for you both to realise that this wasn't what you wanted. But you separated. Sorted out money. And walked away. At any point in that process either of you could have asked is this what you both wanted.

I suppose you could say it to her. You've got nothing to lose. But think about do you actually want to spend the rest of your life with her (if you get back together surely it wouldn't be with the intention of breaking up again in a few months). Or are you just feeling the natural feelings that most people feel when they see their ex with someone new.

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 2:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117924342#Comment_117924342

Yes we mutually decided to split.

What's different now is that I feel that it was a massive mistake , I've had one or two dates with other people and initially thought oh wait I'm comparing them to her etc. but haven thought long and hard about it I know she is the one so to speak. I also thought maybe I was feeling the natural feelings you have after a break up I realize now that it isn't, I'm genuinely losing sleep over this at times. I would like to think that by getting back together it would be for the long haul.

Iseedeadpixels · 22-09-2021 2:39pm

It takes time, after 4 years you're hardly gonna get over her straight away, take your time and when you meet someone you'll forget about her.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-09-2021 2:52pm

Well, you've got nothing to lose by saying it to her. She may or may not feel the same. If you don't say it you might well spend forever more thinking "what if".

KellyKelly · 22-09-2021 2:59pm

She Moved on quickly... 👀

XsApollo · 22-09-2021 3:02pm

What have you got to lose, at least you will know the answer and then can go about sorting it out.

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 3:12pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117924614#Comment_117924614

Thats exactly it, I have nothing to lose and yea if it doesn't work out at least then I can focus on myself and move on.

Jequ0n · 22-09-2021 3:22pm

You just realised this suddenly when you saw that she had moved on?

Apiarist · 22-09-2021 3:40pm

Move on. Everyone has regrets. It might have been a mistake, or a good thing in the long run. You would probably never know.

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 3:48pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117924743#Comment_117924743

Nope I have been wrestling with my emotions practically ever since the break up, I suppose seeing her with someone else has made me think about it even more, the more I think about it , the more I have to find out if she still has any feelings for me.

PeonyPink · 22-09-2021 3:50pm

She was about to commit to a life with you! You obviously loved eachother. Those feelings don’t just go away overnight - new bloke, new GF or not…

You broke up because of circumstances out of your control.

However, like other posters have said, are you feeling this way because she has seemingly moved on or are you still in love with her? Think about this before you reach out. The break up was obviously very painful for you both.

What have you yourself been doing since lockdown ended? Did you try to get her back or travel to see her? If not, why?

Do you feel this way because you are actually in love and she’s the one or is your ego bruised?

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 4:08pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117924906#Comment_117924906

Thanks for the reply - I am writing this because I am still madly in love with her , We met a few times since and that was mainly just to give stuff back and a coffee etc where we both spoke about how we felt etc but dopey hole me didn't have the courage to say how I felt then in fear of getting shot down bare in mind it was all still very raw for me and for her too Id imagine. I Genuinely feel she is the one for me and I'd love to think I am the one for her in fact I'm almost sure I am.

We both had an amazing relationship with each others families too

PeonyPink · 22-09-2021 5:05pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925002#Comment_117925002

Whats worse - being in fear of being shot down or losing a shared life with the person you’re madly in love with?

Definitely the latter.

Stop overthinking this and second guessing her feelings or several potential outcomes.

Get up and go to her. Enough thinking.

You love her? Go get her!!!! Please :)

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 5:08pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925301#Comment_117925301

:) Thanks @PeonyPink Ill Let you know how I get on. Meeting on Saturday or maybe earlier.

PeonyPink · 22-09-2021 5:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925313#Comment_117925313

Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic but I wouldn’t wait any longer tbh… enough time has passed.

Be brave. There’s nothing more attractive than a man who is honest about his feelings :)

Best of luck !!!!! Please report back

topmanamillion · 22-09-2021 5:18pm

Move on OP. You blame alot of external factors for the break up mainly Covid. Really 6 weeks away from each other because of lockdown should have been a positive.

It should have let you 2 miss each other and realise that you both were in it for the long haul. It seems to have done the opposite.

To be honest all i see here is a man that didnt realise the break up was permanent. You see your ex off with someone else and it dawns on you.

Best advice i can give is give the dating a proper chance. Shes moved on you should too. I highly doubt she'd welcome you back if you came back blaming it all on Covid. You'd need to have done a bit deeper soul searching than that and realise the mistakes you'd made. So the dating will let you grow a bit and stand on your own two feet. Try to improve yourself and have your own independence. Thats what shes doing and its whats making her attractive to you right now.

SEPT 23 1989 · 22-09-2021 5:31pm

If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be

TheadoreT · 22-09-2021 5:40pm

I think there's a combination of rose tinted glasses and a bit of a wounded ego she's moved on here. Doesn't sound like either of you fought for it too much at the time and that's pretty telling. You've also had a few crap dates and probably missing the comforts of a relationship and not her specifically.

But anyway, the fact she's away on hols so soon with someone else would probably give the indication she was checked out a good bit before the relationship had ended.

PeonyPink · 22-09-2021 6:05pm

But if the OP has said he is still in love with her and feel she’s the one…and thinks she might still feel the same,

Can he not just shoot his shot, tell her how he feels? He has nothing to lose!

SunnySundays · 22-09-2021 6:07pm

There's part of me that can't help wondering if this is about your ego rather than your heart!

Why did it take her being with another man to realise your mistake? Are you sure it isn't just jealousy?

If you still during covid19 why we you be like when there's other pressures? Small kids, sleep deprevation, job losses, bereavement etc. How will you be sure you'll deal with it differently next time life isn't plain sailing.

She's met someone else. It might be the real deal or could be just a rebound.

Also, mutual separations aren't usually 50/50, there is usually one instigator and another who accepts the situation isn't working. Who mentioned it first?

That said, if you're sure it's not just ego or jealousy driven, what have you got to lose by contacting her. You won't be any worse of a position even if she tells you to get lost.

Thelonious Monk · 22-09-2021 6:45pm

It's probably just a kick in the bollocks that you've seen your ex with someone else and you're having these irrational thoughts. I saw my ex of about 1.5 years ago on Bumble earlier this year and it was a bit of a shock to the system, even though I had been doing ok and getting on with life. 6 months later I've met someone great who seems to be way more suitable for me than the last one. Just forget about it, she's with someone else now, and probably doesn't give you much thought and I would say most definitely doesn't want to get back with you. Them's the breaks.

TheadoreT · 22-09-2021 6:55pm

Also I've never known a couple to go from living together to then living with their respective parents to save. All the cases I've known the couple moved together to one of the set of parents. It's a massive regressive step in a relationship to go from living together to not and that distance definitely seemed to widen the divide for you two. Was it never on the cards? Obv covid doesn't help but you seemed to make this decision beforehand.

bucketybuck · 22-09-2021 6:59pm

You need to be brutally honest with yourself, this is all ego on your part.

You felt like you were hit by a bus when you saw she was on holiday with another man? Not when you broke up 7 months ago, not when you met to swap things or sort some details, not when you were off meeting other women, no, you felt like that when you saw her with somebody else.

Its pride and possessiveness, that other man has your toy and you want it back.

I've been there, the single hardest part of any breakup is the part where you know that right this minute, she is with somebody else. But it has nothing to do with whether she is actually right for you, its all simply about the fact that she isn't with you right now!

Its a form of rejection, she went elsewhere and it hurts the pride. You need to recognise that instead of jumping back into something that already failed once.

22-09-2021 7:29pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925002#Comment_117925002

I don't mean this in a bad way but using language like "the one" is a red flag for me. We've all been there, "she's so great, the sun itself rises in the morning for a glimpse at her smile etc etc". There is no such thing as the one and I wish the concept could be scrubbed from human consciousness simply because it is so restrictive. In your case you are restricting yourself from finding someone better suited to you.

The reality is there is a reason ye broke up and more importantly, there is a reason neither of ye advocated for the relationship while it was breaking up. It has run its course. It's perfectly natural to be sad about this, and wistful, but you are better served imo, by moving forward.

All the same, good luck OP, tell her how you feel and go for it. I hope it works out between ye.

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 7:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925522#Comment_117925522

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925355#Comment_117925355

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925788#Comment_117925788

Thanks for the advice everyone - I 100% see where your coming from and I have thought about all about that for quite sometime now and naturally I would be lying if I wasn't jealous of course I am.

It really is not an ego thing. I'm a hopeless romantic too, Either way I'll be shooting my shot over the weekend . . . Ill report back.

I'm prepared for the devastating low that may be coming.

bucketybuck · 22-09-2021 8:31pm

You are too close to see it, seeing her with somebody else has swept you up in a cloud and made you a romantic cliche.

Where do you think this ends? If on Sunday she agrees to give it another try and you get back together, what are you going to do six months down the line when you no longer feel like you have been hit by a bus and instead have to deal with all the reasons you broke up in the first place?

Are you going to talk about all the sex she had on that holiday? Will you accept that for what it was and never think of it again? What if you see her texting him?

People get back together and it can work out, but not when the reason for getting back together is because the guy seen her with somebody else and decided he was madly in love.

If I was you I would go there on Sunday to have a chat and not much more. If you go there ready to get down on your knees and beg for love then you are just fooling yourself and setting yourself up for more heartache.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-09-2021 9:43pm

Have you a plan past Sunday? Are you going to continue living apart in different areas of the country? Are you going to move back in together? Have you enough saved for a mortgage yet? Do you still have the savings? Has she used some of her mortgage savings to go on holiday?

I think if you are going to tell her you want to try again you need to offer her something. Something that convinces her it's worth trying again to make a relationship that ended 6 months ago that neither of you wanted to fight for, work.

PeonyPink · 22-09-2021 10:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117926812#Comment_117926812

100% agreed.

Have a plan and be decisive.

Tell her how you feel and you should know where you want to go with the relationship afterwards.

Were you going to marry this girl? Not saying you should propose at the weekend lol but knowing what you want and what your future looks like with her will help your case immensely.

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 10:38pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117926946#Comment_117926946

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117926812#Comment_117926812

Yes I have a very good idea where a I would like this relationship to go I.E House , Marriage , Kids.

I haven't touched my savings at all and have continued to save as much as before hand in fact maybe more with little or no overheads and from speaking to a mutual friend earlier this evening she has continued to save also.

I have to say I was very undecisive about starting this thread in the first place and I'm glad I reached out when I did, It couldn't be any clearer what I have to do now.

TheadoreT · 23-09-2021 8:46am

I really feel this is gonna be lose/lose for you. If you confront her and she rejects you you'll end up in despair at her choosing the new lover over you. Most likely end imo.

If you do manage to talk her around you'll still have all your old issues(longterm relationships don't end for nothing) plus you seem like the type of character who wouldn't easily let go of her dating post break up so all that added resentment will be lingering there too.

I feel councilling would be a far better option for you personally here to get to the route of why her new romance triggered you so much. On the surface it seems to be rooted in an unhealthy control dynamic where you were seemingly happy to crack on with your lives until she displayed a clear sign of having gotten over you.

Muller1991 · 23-09-2021 9:19am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117927757#Comment_117927757

Thanks @TheadoreT

I'm prepared for the Lose/Lose Scenario. No one relationship is the same.

To be completely honest the fact that she has been with someone else is not going to annoy me the way you think it will.

I have had meetings or appointments with a councillor already and we have spoken about relationship ending etc

The One Doctor · 23-09-2021 9:24am

If she's already going on holidays with another guy then that's it - nothing will change her mind and you'll look like a fool tbh.

Same happened to me. In retrospect (20 years later) it was just as well we broke up because I'd never have met my wife and had two fantastic daughters.

Frank Bullitt · 23-09-2021 9:47am

Same exact thing happened to me.

Was with someone, broke up and found she moved on when I saw a picture of her in the airport with another bloke. Took me a while to realise that I didn't miss her or anything like that, it was my ego that kicked in.

Looking back, it was a bad relationship that I should have bailed out of earlier (not saying this is the case for you). The grass is always greener, as they say.

I would advise really thinking on what you are feeling. Are you missing companionship? Are you missing her? Or are you still adjusting to a new way of living and life?

Sounds to me like you have a lot going for you, I took a lot of time for myself and focused on myself after I got that news. Ate well, focused on work, trained hard, then I met someone and the regret I had for my previous relationship was all gone.

It is a bit hit to the heart for sure, you compare and contrast yourself. But try to not let that get in the way of what you REALLY want.

Honestly to me, this sounds like your ego kicking in when you saw she moved on. There is also no reason to believe that just because she is on holiday etc, that things are all rosey for her. Delete her off your social media, or take a break from it for a while. You are seeing a split second of someones like, no clue at all what is happening either side of that photo at all. For me, deleting social media is a gift from the heavens, I would advise that for a while if you are feeling certain ways.

Be good to yourself as well, jut focus on the good and stay active. Things are opening up now here in Ireland (currently back on a trip myself), get yourself out there, book a solo trip, think and focus on yourself, the rest will work itself out.

FintanMcluskey · 23-09-2021 10:00am

Social media imo is a total load of bolix

Sound's like you spotted her and the new guy on social media

That's a perfect snapshot in time of her at her best on holiday(likely a picture that a few goes to look good). Its not reality. Nobody on social media has flaws and your memory only allow's you to see her at her perfect best

Delete her from your social media and give it time.

km991148 · 23-09-2021 10:09am

If you do have a chat be prepared for her to quite rightly put you in your place and tell you that you are out of order. You don't know what she went through after the breakup.

Additionally if you do genuinely care for this person and it is off, try and remind yourself that you are happy for her being happy (once you get over your own broken pride/ ego) - because that's what you want for people that you care about, isn't it?

callaway92 · 23-09-2021 10:11am

Use the savings you made in the relationship to treat yourself to something (new set of golf clubs, holiday with friends etc)

She has genuinely moved on - She’s not just going to turn around on a whim now and say it was all a mistake - Clearly she refuted from contacting you during your time separated and she found someone so she seems to be happy that way and I’d probably leave her alone.

I’d actually go as far as saying it’ll be nigh-on impossible to recover it. And not that it matters too much but even the whole family situation and all now - Everyone will have moved on.

SteM · 23-09-2021 10:23am

Lets be honest OP, if you had have noticed the holiday snaps while sitting beside a new partner then you probably wouldn't have given it a second thought. It's the fact that she's moved on and you haven't found someone that is really hitting you hard, just give it time and leave her be.

PeonyPink · 23-09-2021 10:57am

I agree to a point with other posters in that the timing isn’t ideal and it will look suss in her POV that now you only want her because she’s with someone but we are where we are now. I did ask OP what he was doing up to now. Maybe this copped him on and he realised she’s not waiting around and he could actually lose her etc

The OP outlined the issues - financial. They made the mistake of moving home separately and naturally, no matter how strong a couple, this did damage.

OP- if you are going to pour your heart out to her, make sure you only do it if you’ve something to offer her. Not this “let’s see where it goes” again business and sitting on your hands. You’re both 30. It should be the full works - the house, a marriage, children etc because you should know what you want.As in, if she actually agrees, what will the plan be? You can’t just carry on in limbo.

However, if you are “confused” or don’t know what you want, obviously hold off and figure that out.

But if she’s who you want for the rest of your life, go for it! All or nothing.

Be forewarned, telling or enquiring with a mutual friend is like sending a warning shot so she knows by now that you are asking so don’t be fooled - she’ll be weighing things up as we speak so whatever you have to offer, make sure it’s a promise that will be fulfilled because she has other options.

Muller1991 · 23-09-2021 11:09am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117928342#Comment_117928342

@PeonyPink You must be a mind reader of sorts lol.

I have a very clear image of what I want and what I intend to offer , Cards on the table etc.

I am certainly not confused anymore , Initially I thought oh wait these are just the natural feelings when this happens, but after some serious thought I have to let her know.

Yep agree about the friend stuff too. It will be fulfilled.

Smiley283 · 23-09-2021 11:37am

I think you have nothing to lose by contacting her and being honest. I feel it is better to know you tried than to sit back, say nothing and always wonder (even if it isn't the answer you wanted) it'll help you in the long term to move on with your life.

I feel like there is nothing in the world that can get in the way of what is truly meant for you.

Best of luck with everything in the future. We all live and learn.

HamSarris · 25-09-2021 11:11am

Oneitis is a very serious psychological problem for men, causing them to act on delusional beliefs.

While you may think she is the one, the odds that she thinks you are hers is very slim. She's 29, will have multiple immediate options for dating. You'll only be the one if she preceives you as better than those options, even if some of these options are just fantasies. Sounds like she's in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship and your relationship might seem in the distant past - fun & holidays Vs arguing about putting the towels in the wrong place.

It's also possible she had moved on even when you were together. You described arguing frequently towards the end. Women rarely come out directly and say they want to break up. They may manufacture various arguments over trivial things so that the relationship ends because of the fighting - rather than because they were already checked out of the relationship.

You could tell her how you feel but the odds of success are low and the emotional consequences on your self-esteem could be significant if wrong. Also, if you were to get back together, the power balance would be on her side.

Big Bag of Chips · 25-09-2021 9:13pm

Can posters please leave gender stereotypes and generalisations out of the forum please. They are rarely helpful.

If a poster has an issue with a moderator instruction please PM the moderator as commenting on thread is off topic.

Muller1991 · 26-09-2021 1:51pm

So just an update for those that would like to know :).

I got in contact and explained how I was feeling. I feel as if a massive weight was lifted of my shoulders for that alone.

I have given her time to think about things and as such have told her I wasnt expecting to hear from her striaght away as it may be a shock etc

BettyS · 26-09-2021 2:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117941633#Comment_117941633

Best of luck!! How did she sound?

YellowLead · 26-09-2021 4:04pm

Fair play OP - you have said your piece and now you’ll have no regrets - if only I’d told her etc.

It does sound like she has moved and and you guys both chose to break up. But at least you have laid your cards on the table and can begin moving on now if it’s not meant to be.

Frank Bullitt · 26-09-2021 4:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117941633#Comment_117941633

That fact that you feel a weight lifted for just saying anything is a great sign.

Well done.

heretothere · 27-09-2021 10:54am

I hope it works out! I think you were right to tell her. You don't want to be living with regrets.

Loughc · 27-09-2021 11:12am

Speaking from experience OP even if ye do get back together, it won't be the same as before and the same cracks that appeared before will resurface.

4 years is a long time to be with someone and the breakup is still relatively fresh. I say you're better off working on yourself and moving forward, looking to the past will only ever stop yourself getting the future you deserve.

Muller1991 · 27-09-2021 11:39am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117944861#Comment_117944861

I know what you mean. In the past few months I have worked on myself and I suppose by doing so I realised what needed to be done. I have worked on my own issues and have explained that to her.

Pussyhands · 29-09-2021 10:09am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117924600#Comment_117924600

Reminds me of when Ben Foden dumped Una Healy and Healy was all over the media a few weeks later showing body pics and then a new "hunk" on her arm. All for show.

6 months after a breakup and she's going on foreign holidays...she must have been on the Tinder right away!

Regretting a break up

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