Loan repayment

It was to relocate, I’m glad I was able to bridge the gap in that scenario which was actually necessary for her. I had been a tad puzzled as to why there weren’t any savings at all, but it has become obvious since. That is is not the issue, I was more than willing to give it in good faith. It’s more the fact that she is extremely casual about it. It’s the feeling of being so disrespected.

The person has now moved to another part of the country and I’m not chasing over there just for the purpose of knocking on the door and asking for it back in person. Have enough to be getting on with tbh. If I happened to be in the area for some other purpose I would not hesitate to call.

Don’t want to go the legal route, only the lawyers would win. It would cost more than the 4 figure loan.

I just think she is not in a position to pay, and wish she would just fess up, and say it, or give some explanation. I deserve that much. It’s not about the money, it’s about being taken for granted that’s the issue. The solution will be when she volunteers to explain, can’t make her do that but can only fill in the gaps in my imagination. I think the thought process that might be going on in her runs something like this: “she can afford to be without the money, so it’s no big deal. If she values her money more than she values me, that’s her loss”.

Yes, I fully understand where you’re coming from here, and at moments I’m compassionate, and other moments I get very annoyed. I’m swinging between both tbh. I certainly don’t think I’m great or don’t her to think that. People have been extraordinarily kind to me in the past, I was in a situation where I could help out and originally had no real reason not to. I’m not at all judgemental of the person’s predicament, only of her silence on the matter. I just reached the end of my tether as I’m flawed and faulty too. A simple message, eg “really sorry about this but I’m just not in a position to repay for the next while, though I had said I would. Things aren’t great.” Something like that would make all the difference to me. But as you say, the inability to do that may be part of the problem or maybe I’m just excusing her. Like I say, my thoughts swing from one direction to the other, and compassion fatigue sets in. I’m certainly not a person of unconditional goodness, wish I were like that as I’d save myself and others some grief.

Not on any account bringing family into it at all, goodness knows like most they have issues enough. I’m really trying to address my own bit of resentment here, for better or worse.

This is what I am hoping to aim for if I can get my head around to doing that and keep it that way as long as necessary.

Yes, I would kind of rather be told something along the lines of “I think you can guess things mightn’t be great my end, I really didn’t intend it to be like this, but I’m struggling and don’t know when I can pay. I wish things were different.” In other words some d gave me t about it. The last I heard was some mention of start of repayment this month, but silence since and no response to an email where I asked to be reminded of the date as I had managed to fully delete old email. There was mentioned of some new job, but it has remained unspecified, where I have previously known all employments. I strongly get the feeling it somehow fell through for some e reason, or maybe it was more her wishing thinking that the job would materialise.

I think capacity to work has has been reduced due to the circumstances, and whilst I hold no judgement on that aspect (same as being unable to work due to any condition in my mind) I do take a view on the lack of communication aspect. It does my head in not to be put straight about it.

I knew that there were some health issues that could potentially mean that there could be a delay in repayment, but the problems were put down to another chronic condition that I was given to believe as a pending diagnosis. Like anybody who was in a position to do, I simply wanted to help a friend out in a scenario where they could avoid paying interest. An agreement was drawn up with built/in flexibility if a turn for the worse took place, but under the circumstances I had some expectation for the courtesy of being kept informed.

Eg, let’s say I believed she was to be diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, need help in relocating near family, and that indeed if things did turn out that way and she couldn’t pay me any time soon or even ever, I would still be glad I did the very right thing. The fact it transpired to be a drinking issue underpinning it all, is something I got my head around because I know that can be an even more disabling condition than eg, Parkinson’s, and with best will in the world very difficult to overcome. But like if it emerged a condition of eg, Parkinson’s progressed more than expected, I would get to know and adjust my expectations. I think with the uncertainties of an alcohol problem at play, it’s causing the stumbling block in communication.

I had understood there was abstention for a while, but this is always precarious, and there may be a relapse at play. I’m guessing there is. I don’t think proper rehab was undertaken as she intended to resume work quickly, I had suggested she might take a proper break for residential/medically supervised rehab, and would actually think to write off at least some of the money if I heard this were the case.

Some moments I feel very mean in my thinking, other moments I feel totally taken for granted. There’s a very disturbing dichotomy of thought going on in my mind, and I wake up in the middle of the night with it on my mind. I do plenty of things to distract myself but the thought keeps returning.

Not sure the underlying situation there, so hard to answer all questions. Naturally would prefer money back, but to me money should not be at any cost.

There was indeed a digital virtually signed contract, albeit with built-in flexibility as I knew health could be a major issue. I even understood there might be a small possibility of not getting repaid, well if there proved to be a very serious condition developing. It was factored in. There has been sporadic engagement and mention of repaying within a year but none very recently in that I get she is lying very low for some specific reason. Located well south of me, so I wouldn’t be passing by etc.

Like many workers nowadays she had a contract job, but there was what I understood to be a cash temporary flow issue. That is, not quite enough savings built up to relocate south, with immediate expenses likely. But I don’t delve into friends’ financial matters, eg look at salaries and locked-in investments.. as far as I was concerned I was taking things on trust and goodwill. The way many of us do, and as I had no reason to know her fundamental character was anything was excellent, so although I gave thought I didn’t delay much in “approving”. I certainly didn’t imagine she would lie very low, as she had ironically mentioned having lent some relative a small amount and actually said very lightly and with a sense of joviality “haven’t heard from Mary in ages, you always know when people owe because they go into hiding, lol”.

I’ve fortunately never been in a position in life where I had to borrow off an individual (apart from, eg a bus fare!) but I can only imagine myself being pretty obsessive about repayment , or where I couldn’t I would keep person duly updated, the way I tend to be when I feel under obligation or when I’ve issued any pledge. I’m a person who does what I say, at almost any cost, and guess I may have unrealistic expectations of others in that kind of respect. I don’t understand the psychology of being any other way, I just don’t “get it”.

A further online communication elucidated a date upon which I would started getting repaid. Apparently this said sent to me before in a very short SMS that got queued in a bundle of others… Bank transaction codes etc, which I quickly multiple deleted. SMS is not a great way to communicate important info that needs to be referenced longer term, email, WhatsApp etc much better. But at best of times, wouldn’t be adept at communication, and that’s an understatement. Don’t know how she carries out a job that actually depends on good communication and reporting, but that’s her employer’s concern, just so long as they pay her. Fingers crossed this is resolved. This kind of thing can put years on one. 🙄