I like him but I feel threatened by his past?

sure_look_it · 08-10-2021 5:16pm #1

We're early/mid 20s postgrad students in the same college. A mutual friend introduced us.

It's only been a month but we really click. He's incredibly smart and very sweet. Different from anyone I've ever dated before.

While we were drinking, he admitted he has kissed 2 fellas in his time. One during drunken spin the bottle at 18, the other was a sort of "three way kiss" with this girl he really liked at the time. He is adamant he is straight or at least "99% straight, like most of us" and laughed. Claims he's never tried to chat a lad up, nor wanted to, and has only ever wanted to have sex with women. I know for sure he is into women but the fact he may be slightly into men too makes me feel so weird. He told me several times "no I actually only like women, I promise". He eventually got annoyed with me that I wouldn't take his word for it. I just feel strange when I think of being with someone who kissed a lad. Maybe it's biphobic, but I feel ew about it? And I worry that maybe he will leave me for a fella? I don't have a problem with bi people or anything (to be cliche, I do genuinely have bi friends of both genders), but I've just never dated one before (although again, he is adamant he isn't bi).

I feel like I should just end it now because I imagine it will only continue to bother me? But part of me wants to feel this out? What should I do?

Apiarist · 08-10-2021 5:18pm

A lot of people are bi. You can either end the relationship, or have the opportunity to explore your own kinks too.

Ash.J.Williams · 08-10-2021 5:31pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058212270/i-like-him-but-i-feel-threatened-by-his-past

he went on about it a bit much :)

sure_look_it · 08-10-2021 5:37pm

I mean in his defense, he just said it casually initially and laughed. I found out this further information because I kept asking questions.

Princess Calla · 08-10-2021 5:40pm

Those kisses seem extremely harmless and not motivated by a sexual interest.

He didn't have to tell you and most probably wouldn't.

Relationships are all about taking a chance. No one has a crystal ball, yeah he might leave you equally the relationship might fizzle out on its own.

Of all the things that could be possible dealbreakers I really wouldn't rate these two random kisses.

However if it's a deal breaker for you so be it.

Though the one caution I'd advise is the older you get the more "baggage" each person brings into a relationship. There will be alot more "history" and sexual experiences to contend with.

But if it's not right for you it's not right. No point in forcing it.

Canard · 08-10-2021 5:47pm

I mean, he could also leave you for another girl, and that's more likely than him leaving you for a man if he's never been with one! Sounds to me like he's just comfortable with his sexuality; I'm gay and have kissed lots of girls, it doesn't have to mean anything or even necessarily be enjoyable, which sounds like his two cases. I think you're overthinking it.

sure_look_it · 08-10-2021 6:55pm

I think I'll give it a bit of time.

If it's still an issue a month from now, then yes, ending it is probably the honourable thing. No point in wasting either of our time.

As for baggage, you're definitely right. I wouldn't have a whole pile (thus far) but I was in a fairly abusive relationship for a few years. We even lived in the same house for a bit (with other students). It is possible I'm trying to find a way out of this because I'm scared of getting hurt again. I only ended this relationship at the start of the year. I'm kind of scared of letting myself catch "feels' again, if you will. And given how much we get along and how nice he is, it's very possible I will. I haven't allowed myself to really "fall" for anyone since leaving that ex.

cloudatlas · 08-10-2021 7:26pm

You don't sound sex positive and open to experiences and your partner does. It sounds like a bad fit especially if you are making someone feel ashamed because of their past. Please let him find someone who is loving and accepting.

standardg60 · 08-10-2021 7:38pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117994577#Comment_117994577

I doubt you'll hear a straight guy say the same about having kissed lots of men, you're actually reinforcing my thoughts here.

OP he sounds like he could be gay to me, if he was completely straight it wouldn't have happened, not to mention the fact he has told you about it

Caranica · 08-10-2021 9:14pm

I know a lot of guys who've been with guys but ultimately prefer women. It's more common than you'd think. There's no higher risk of him leaving you for a guy than a girl.

08-10-2021 9:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117994955#Comment_117994955

Pretty much this OP. You needling him and pressing him to answer questions about his past is a massive red flag tbh. Especially for something as meaningless as you've described.

You sound like you're looking for a reason to doubt things so maybe it's best for both of ye to call it quits while you work on whatever it is that you're dealing with.

Hamachi · 08-10-2021 9:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117995590#Comment_117995590

Huh? Why would you assume she needs to work on anything or there is something the matter?

OP, I wouldn’t beat yourself up about this. If your BF’s history makes you uncomfortable, so be it. Acknowledge those feelings as legitimate and then figure out if this is an insuperable barrier for you or not. You choose what’s right for you and ignore the BS around not being ‘sex positive’. Good luck in your decision making.

08-10-2021 10:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117995775#Comment_117995775

Because of this line from the OP "he eventually got annoyed with me that I wouldn't take his word for it."

Imagine being in a new relationship and being nagged (a word I don't like to use because it's pretty loaded) over some fairly trivial kisses that seemed to have happened years ago? Imagine dating someone so insecure they felt they had to the right to nag you over your sexual history? Is that what the OP really wants to bring to her relationships?

There's something driving the OP's insecurity, I doubt it's the fact that her partner had a few same sex kisses though.

Ave Sodalis · 08-10-2021 10:15pm

Sexuality isn't really bracketed into neat little labels, it's more of a sliding scale. I'm not sure there's many people out there that are absolutely 100% either gay or straight. I'm straight. I've no desire or want to kiss a person of the same gender. However, I can still very much appreciate a good looking person, regardless of gender, and often have conversations with friends of the opposite gender about the attractiveness of the people they're with (and vice versa).

Your partner really hasn't done anything wrong. Kissing guys doesn't mean he's gay. It may mean he's bi, but if he says he's straight, I'd be inclined to believe him, especially giving the circumstances of the kisses. He has done nothing wrong and to me, it's a complete non-issue. There is no reason to believe he would leave you for a guy, and absolutely no risk of it being a guy more so than a girl.

I'm going to be a little honest here and say your behaviour would irk me way more than your partner's. You continued to question him about things you didn't actually want to hear and have now given yourself the "ick" based on something that's not a big deal. I would agree with the other posters in saying that you two aren't very compatible and would add that it's entirely possible to not be ready for a relationship. It would be unfair on both of you, but most especially him, if you continued this relationship as it is. I would hate to be with someone who would judge me that much for something as mild as that, nor could I continue a relationship with someone I thought was "ew".

Hamachi · 08-10-2021 10:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117995831#Comment_117995831

I agree that it is somewhat irritating to be quizzed on your sexual past and that is likely to irk anybody.

However, kissing somebody of the same gender is a deal breaker for some people. It’s something they simply can’t get past, regardless of how trivial or innocuous the scenario. If the OP is of this mindset, she should move on without feeling that she is broken, needs fixing, or doesn’t meet some arbitrary bar for sex positivity. It’s just the way she is wired.

08-10-2021 10:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117995941#Comment_117995941

Absolutely, but the OP isn't saying that, if she was then fair enough.

TheadoreT · 09-10-2021 6:05am

Have you ever found people of your own sex attractive OP? I'd highly doubt anyone is 100% straight, plenty 100% terrified of admitting this is a scale for everybody, and even more people extra terrified to act on feelings or impulses outside of what they believe is conventional. He sounds a bit more mature and comfortable with himself than you are at this point so there's probably a reasonable amount of incompatibility here.

Probably counterintuitively I'd take this as a better sign he's into you as he's open minded and chose you. If you asked someone had they ever been with someone of the same sex and got an overly macho response "no that's disgusting, I'm fully straight" type thing I'd be more concerned, as they're lying to themselves about not being somewhere on the spectrum.

SortingYouOut · 09-10-2021 6:17am

Sexuality is a spectrum, I wouldn't worry about it. If he cheats on you, he cheats on you. Would it matter who with?

Thelonious Monk · 09-10-2021 2:33pm

I find this very narrow minded especially as it's someone who is 15 years or so younger than me. So what if he kissed a few guys, or sucked a dick or two? It's quite possible for this to have just been experimenting or a little fun, what's the big deal? It doesn't mean he's full on gay. Look up the Kinsey scale. My current partner has been with women and fancies both sexes while leaning more towards the straight side of the spectrum, but it's not an issue at all, as long as we're faithful to each other what's the big deal?

Hannibal_Smith · 09-10-2021 10:37pm

Mod Note

@Brigadier I have deleted your post. Personal Issues and Relationship Issues are advice forums where posters are asked to offer advice to an op when replying to their thread.

Please read the Charter before posting here again.

Thanks

HS

Hamachi · 10-10-2021 11:17am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117997606#Comment_117997606

It’s not a big deal if her partner has experimented, by sucking a few d***s in the past? A heterosexual woman entering an ostensibly heterosexual relationship, should be totally cool, if the object of her affection has blown a few guys in the recent past?

OP, I’m also about 15 years older than you and am a happily married man with a few young kids. I’m probably completely out-of-touch, but for what it’s worth, I’m puzzled by the some of the views on this thread. Frankly, I don’t know any heterosexual person in my social circle who would be fine with knowing that their partner was that intimate with somebody of the same gender in the past. Like I said, I and the people I know may be dinosaurs, but just letting you know that it’s totally fine to not be as ‘sex positive’ as some of the views espoused here.

Thelonious Monk · 10-10-2021 3:49pm

Yes she should be totally cool in my opinion, what business is his past of hers?

TheadoreT · 10-10-2021 4:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118000394#Comment_118000394

Are you talking about lads only here? Something tells me you'd be fine with a female partner fooling around with another female in the past.

Times definitely have changed, it's more accepted these days for younger people to identify as whatever they want without much eyelids being batted, and that's great.

Attraction hasn't changed though, or everyone being on a spectrum in this regard hasn't either. So it's just the case that you and your chums are waaaayyy more repressed in this sense than younger generations.

Saying all that if the OP is put off by this it'll probably be difficult for her to rewire her thinking so should probably let him pursue someone more open minded.

Hamachi · 10-10-2021 5:52pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118001426#Comment_118001426

No; I’m not speaking exclusively about men. Frankly, I wouldn’t be too thrilled to learn that my wife had very intimate lesbian experiences in the past. Thankfully, it’s a non-issue in our relationship.

Is it really great that people in their 20s can identify however they feel? Look at the general levels of anxiety amongst that generation. Frankly, many of them seem confused and lost. Conversely, many of us ‘repressed’ oldies, only in our late 30s I might add, have functional marriages are raising happy and healthy children. Perhaps a more traditional approach isn’t such a bad thing?

The one point I do agree with you on is that the OP should walk away from this scenario if it’s an insurmountable obstacle for her. Not because she isn’t ‘open minded’, but because this doesn’t chime with her values. Fair play to her for being true to herself.

Hamachi · 10-10-2021 5:58pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118001351#Comment_118001351

Well the cat is out of the bag now and clearly the OP isn’t totally cool with it!

Caranica · 10-10-2021 8:47pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118000394#Comment_118000394

I'm almost a decade older than you and know plenty of people without entirely heterosexual experiences.

OP you'll see from the responses that there are people whose thinking is the same as yours and those whose isn't. Only you know what you're comfortable with

Faith · 11-10-2021 8:05am

My first though is, this is implicit homophobia. If you can tolerate the thoughts of a partner having heterosexual relations before meeting you, but not homosexual relations, then it's the "homo" part, not the "sexual" part, that bothers you.

That being said, on the basis on your most recent post, OP, perhaps you are just looking for an 'out' in this case, due to your past experiences. Perhaps you don't have a homophobic bone in your body, but your brain has identified this as an easy escape route.

No matter what, given your traumatic experiences in the past, I'd encourage you to seek therapeutic support around that. Processing that trauma will help you to go on and have healthy relationships in the future. If you don't do that, you may find yourself in a cycle of always finding deal-breaking flaws with potential partners.

Sonic the Shaghog · 11-10-2021 10:09pm

OP would it also maybe be the case you worry he's actually gay and using you as his beard? Then years down the line come out and leave you for a fella?

At the same time he's definitely bi I'm only 30 but frankly any fella or woman I know that's straight would be disgusted at the thought of they themselves having a gay experience. What I'm saying is this I'm mostly straight etc is wishy washy. Nothing wrong with what he does but he's bi at best and these excuses are just silly.

sure_look_it · 11-10-2021 11:08pm

Yeah that's a huge part of it. I'm scared I'll really fall for him and he'll tell me he's actually 100% gay and not just bi.

I'm not sure if that's just biphobia because bi people do 100% exist- it's not just the first step in "coming out" like we portray it to be. I know a few people in my age group who have had BFs and GFs and very clearly like both genders.

I mean he does seem very keen on me 🤷‍♀️

Mad_maxx · 14-10-2021 9:30am

Straight men don't kiss other men.

It depends whether or not you want a Straight man ?

15-10-2021 10:07am

There is a lot of misleading stuff about labels on this thread OP that is going to confuse you if you get too wrapped up in it. The "Straight men do not kiss men" rhetoric is just false. The extreme example of this just to serve the point - not all male escorts who service male clients are gay or bi. They are entirely straight. They are engaging in homosexual sex yes - but they are entirely heterosexual themselves.

The problem is that the actual meanings of words like "homosexual" and "bisexual" and "heterosexual" are wholly and entirely based on who you are predominantly attracted to over extended periods of time.

They are not at all defined by your sexual activity. You might have a homosexual experience - or even several of them - but be entirely heterosexual. The moment you see a post on a thread like this defining someone's sexuality by their activity - rather than by their actual attractions - you know that person has no clue what they are on about.

Single exceptions to your sexuality do not negate your sexuality either. You could be entirely heterosexual and find a single exception in someone of your own gender - and even have a long term relationship with them - and still entirely validly identify as heterosexual. This fact triggered two people to debate me on it quite aggressively on this forum a couple of years ago - and even make a couple of snide side comments about it on other entirely unrelated threads months later. But it still remains a fact - this is just how sexuality is defined in these cases. Single exceptions - even long term ones - do not invalidate the definitions here.

So I would ditch the labels and the false rhetoric around them - as they likely will not help you - and look at the facts instead.

You have a partner who - like many or most potential partners - has a sexual history. And an aspect of that sexual history bothers you and is either causing you insecurity - or triggering/exacerbating an existing insecurity - and it now falls to you to decide what to do with/about that.

The first thing to do is recognize and accept that there is nothing wrong with him for having had such a history. And there is nothing necessarily wrong with you for not being ok with it. So if you decide to give it a go - that is valid and ok. If you decide to cut and run - that is too. There is no crime or guilt or anything here on your side or his.

After that all I can tell you is what I would personally do in your place - which should not really be taken as "advice" per se but can be if you want.

I would want to explore the roots of what my actual issue is. You seem unsure yourself at the moment. Is it just that you find same sex thing ikky? If so that is ok! Nothing wrong with that (though some will want to lambast you for it). But if thats your deal breaker - so be it! You be you and be happy being you! But this relationship might not be the one for you.

Or is it that you have some kind of bi- or homo- phobia? As in you subscribe to the suspicion that bisexual people are inherently more inclined towards infidelity than others? If so - is that something you think you should address in yourself and get over? Or are you happy to continue to live with that? Either is ok too. Again: You be you!

Or is it that your previous bad relationship has just left you insecure with relationships in general and that insecurity is going metastasize or coalesce around something in every relationship? In this case it just happens to be the sexual history of the guy. But if it was not that - would it eventually be something else? In which case do you want to doom this relationship - or the next or the next - by letting this become a cycle where instead of dealing with the core insecurity and the root of it - you let it manifest in each relationship around what may in fact be trivial issues - and kill each relationship for no good reason at all?

In essence therefore - if I were in your situation - I would want to engage in some serious introspection to actually identify the roots of the issue - and the roots of those roots if there are any - all the way down - and identify in myself if there are things I want to live with - or things I feel would need to be addressed. Because until I could identify what exactly is going on - I would be unable to know what the next right move/decision should be.

Unless I really know why I was ending the relationship I was in - how could I know if ending it was the right move?

joeyboy11 · 18-10-2021 12:56am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118000394#Comment_118000394

It’s not hip to be 100% straight these days. OP if it makes you uneasy thats fine and nothing wrong with it.

18-10-2021 4:58am

Your boyfriend did nothing wrong. What he did being a deal breaker for you isn't wrong either.

Cue breaking hearts, I've never been attracted to any man. Of course I can't say I never would. But I'd highly doubt it would ever happen. Maybe in an infinite multiverse. I'm sure some gay people feel the same about the opposite sex.

Thelonious Monk · 18-10-2021 10:06am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118034461#Comment_118034461

Sounds like the guy is straight though. If it makes her uneasy I would encourage her to think about why that is, and try to realise that it's completely irrelevant to their current relationship. Always keep an open mind.

MarkEadie · 19-10-2021 5:23pm

I think you're getting a lot of comments from bisexual or gay men here. As someone who is straight and never had any attraction or desire towards men, I can tell you that I wouldn't kiss another man for any amount of money. You could have a briefcase with a million euro there and I'd have to turn it down. Having the memory of kissing another man playing in my head would be... I can't come up with a word for it. Bad x infinity. A lot of my friends would be the same. The last thing I am is homophobic by the way. I fully support gay right. I just think the narrative here of most men being bisexual is way off in the real world.

Thelonious Monk · 19-10-2021 6:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118043842#Comment_118043842

f*cking lol

Big Bag of Chips · 19-10-2021 6:57pm

Thelonious Monk warned for below standard posting.

cj maxx · 20-10-2021 9:05pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118007187#Comment_118007187

So , what you’re scared of is falling for him and it doesn’t work out. Normal enough. I think you’re grabbing at the gay experience thing as a excuse to not dive into this relationship. Did you have doubts before this chat? Many people experiment and write it off as “ been there , tried it but not for me”.

20silkcut · 21-10-2021 4:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118018280#Comment_118018280

My parents used to run a guest house years ago most of their business was stag and hen party’s at weekends. They used to cram them in and the guests were not that bothered as it was only a bed for the night, this was years before trip advisor era. One aspect that intrigued me at the time was that when more people turned up than were booked women were far more cooler about sleeping in the same bed with another woman whether she was an acquaintance or friend or sister or whatever. Almost 100% of men were not ok sharing their bed with another man even if it was his own brother or whatever.

RojaStar · 21-10-2021 9:37pm

LOL at people trying to sexualise women complimenting each other's appearance or sharing the same bed on a weekend away. And it is absolutely false that "most" women engage in french kissing other women. But that's beside the point.

OP - you're insecure about your partner's past. I'd say this is the case for the majority of people whether they'd like to admit it or not! If he'd told you he had a group sex experience with women only that might also freak you out right? Point being the insecurity could be linked to him potentially being more sexually liberal than you than gender related.

Squatman · 21-10-2021 9:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058212270/i-like-him-but-i-feel-threatened-by-his-past

you should defo end it, not for you sake, for his. He told you a story in good faith and you analysed the sheet out of it, and already you are bringing up stuff from the past. You sound like you are not ready for commitment. move on, let him enjoy his life.

Big Bag of Chips · 21-10-2021 9:54pm

A number of off topic posts deleted.

All posters are reminded that Relationship Issues is an advice forum. Please read the Forum Charter before posting.

joeguevara · 23-10-2021 4:34am

If something is having an adverse effect on how you feel about someone so early on in a potential relationship then more often than not it’s better to walk away.

If you strip back all the permutations about bi, gay, straight etc you are essentially worried that a potential partner is going to cheat on you in the future. It’s completely irrelevant if that’s going to be with a girl or guy.

reclose · 23-10-2021 5:13am

Straight men don’t kiss other men. Absolutely no chance.

Shao Kahn · 23-10-2021 5:53am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117996367#Comment_117996367

Why would you automatically assume that someone is "lying to themselves" just because they find the idea of a sexual encounter with someone of the same sex to be disgusting? (to them personally)

Seems like you are trying to infer here, that gay or bisexual people are inherently more open minded than a straight person just because of their sexual orientation? That's mostly just a misconception and a worn out cliche at this point.

Just as you can have people who are very gay, you can also have people who are very straight as well. In this case, there would be nothing wrong with feeling a bit disgusted by the idea of a same sex encounter. And it doesn't mean you are prejudiced either. (so long as you are not going around publicly telling others that their behavior is 'disgusting' based on your own personal feelings - as that would certainly mark you out as a prejudiced individual)

@OP - It's possible that you are just a very straight / hetero person. So the idea of your new partner potentially being intimate with someone of the same sex, is grossing you out a little bit. Nothing inherently wrong with this, it's maybe just how you naturally feel. Some people will try to shame you, and say you are less open minded as a result - but this is not necessarily the case.

You need to get to know this guy a bit better, it's possible he was just goofing around and is completely straight. You won't really know that until you get to know him better.

Hamachi · 23-10-2021 11:17am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118061104#Comment_118061104

100%. There’s a peculiar mindset out there that all the cool kids are going bi and that you’re ‘repressed’ or prudish if you’re not fully onboard the train.

It’s utter rubbish of course. OP, this is by far the most sensible input you’ve received on this thread. Please do read and internalize.

TheadoreT · 23-10-2021 9:34pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118061104#Comment_118061104

Disgusted is such an over the top and unnecessary adjective. It's coming from a fearful place imo. Anyone can convince themselves of anything. You have quite a sizeable portion of the world who still believe Covid was a hoax for instance.

So for people who grew up in an age where gay was seen as wrong(and often problematic) it's very easy to see how they could convince themselves they were "fully straight", and not even entertain the idea of anything else. That stigma is less of a thing in modern world so these strong repulsions you show are less of a thing too, and our natural attraction to both sexes is more evident.

I'd consider myself on straight end of the spectrum, and my sexual attraction is by and large women but would be fairly comfortable to admit finding some men attractive. But I'm mainly very chill about it all. Disgusted and repulsed is coming from a massively uptight place so I hope you let your barriers down a bit some day, it'll be fine.

Hannibal_Smith · 24-10-2021 6:59am

Mod note

OP, it seems you've more than enough to go on here. It's straying into general discussion and as you've already decided to see how it goes, there's little point directing the thread back to advice.

On that basis, I'll close it off, but should you need more advice on it, PM one of the Mod Team and we can reopen the thread for you.

Thanks

HS

I like him but I feel threatened by his past?

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