Trying to figure out if these are red flags or if II’m overthinking?

15-10-2021 10:03pm #1

I met a guy on Hinge, and he seemed really great. He’s from New Zealand, charming, great sense of humour, responsive (messaging wise), and overall I really feel I clicked with him.

He asked me on a date for tomorrow (Saturday) and I said yes. Lately I’ve noticed a few red flags, but as I’ve been hurt in the past I can’t tell if I’m being paranoid.

Firstly, we mess and joke a lot. He never really asks how I am, or what’s going on with me. Maybe a little, but all in all it’s very surface level. Which I sort of thought was ok, considering we haven’t met in person.

But I’ve been feeling him playing it a little cool. I asked where we were going for our date and he didn’t respond so I said “Ah ok, just ignore this then? Haha.” He responded “Oh, sorry. Hmm, do you know any crappy bars?” I replied “No, not really” and he said “Oh by crappy bars I mean quiet places we can go to and have a chat.” This irked me at the time, but he could’ve meant an old man bar, and I misunderstood. Or… it was a bit of an insult.

The thing that got to me the most though, was I txt him tonight, he responded and we had our usual banter and then he sent a photo of him sharing a bottle of wine (with a female, judging by her trousers and feet) sitting at a table with 4-5 other women. The caption said “Half price drinks here.. I’m in trouble, the drinks are flowin”

At first I felt a little jealous and thought “Oh. Who are those girls?” But then I wondered… is he trying to make me jealous?? Anyway, I decided the best course of action was to act unbothered and say: “Ahh half price drinks are always dangerous… have a good night!” And he read it and didn’t reply.

Anyway, I’m a bit weary now. I’d never send a picture of me with a load of guys to man I’m interested in unless I was trying to make him jealous. But I’d never do that because I’m a grown woman.

The other side of it is that I’m possible totally over thinking it because I’m guarded from past hurt. But my gut kinda tells me something is up.

I’d really appreciate an objective point of view on this. Dating is tough these days and I’d rather get rid of any chancers off the bat. Your thoughts are appreciated. Thanks!!

YellowLead · 15-10-2021 10:15pm

It sounds a bit like you are over thinking things. You haven’t met in person yet. Much better to be cool about things until dating for a while. And him having female friends is a good sign. Just him and one other woman yeah an odd thing to send - but a group is no problem.

What age is he? He does sound a little immature but he’s not over 40 I assume so pretty normal I reckon.

seenitall · 16-10-2021 12:49am

Nope, nope, nope. On to the next one.

MY gut is screaming here, OP, so I can only imagine yours! :D

If you give him a chance (which I think you shouldn’t, his off-hand behaviour and the weird way he has of expressing himself are enough of a red flag), just be very watchful for the next time he makes you feel uncomfortable, odd or insecure. It shouldn’t be long in coming. You deserve better from the off, so that’s why I think it’s best to write him off now.

In short, I think your gut is spot on! :)

Quantum Erasure · 16-10-2021 1:09am

“Ah ok, just ignore this then? Haha.”

that'd be a red flag for some....

TheadoreT · 16-10-2021 6:53am

Having mixed group of friends is far healthier than all one sex imo. Jumping straight to "he's trying to make me jealous" is quite the leap imo.

You haven't even met the guy and falling over yourself to find red flags. You'll always find one if you're that desperate to.

Of course he should play it cool, again being intense before you meet someone would be far more odd. If you're expecting someone to be all in from early chat then you're setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary hurt.

All in all you need to treat these early chats and encounters as finding out if there's much fun or a connection there. You seem to have that so leave the heavier stuff to further down the line.

Don't fall into that trap where you've so much bad experiences built up that you're attaching any perceived minor behaviour faults as red flags and ruling people out before you actually get to know them.

Thelonious Monk · 16-10-2021 8:44am

I don't get this. He's out with women and you wouldn't send a picture of yourself out with a guy? Why not? What's the big deal? Red flags or not it sounds like you're not suited to this guy if things like this are already upsetting you.

Dial Hard · 16-10-2021 8:59am

His evasiveness about the date would be the red flag for me, not necessarily the photo or the slightly superficial nature of the chats. My gut would be that he's not actually serious about meeting. You'll have your answer tonight either way.

skallywag · 16-10-2021 9:10am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118027028#Comment_118027028

OP, how much time did you give him to respond before you sent this? This would certainly rub me the wrong way.

Jequ0n · 17-10-2021 10:35am

I never get why people get so invested before even meeting each other f2f.

Seriously OP, if you over interpret everything and create drama this easily you are sending off more red flag signs than anyone else…

bucketybuck · 17-10-2021 10:56am

Sorry OP, but if you need to ask this question and ask for advice online about somebody you haven't even met yet, then yes you are really overthinking it.

To note one thing though, the bit where you say he doesn't ask about how you are feeling a lot, or that his messages are a bit surface level.

Thats how a lot of people are about messages, I know I certainly don't have in depth conversations through text or PM's. Messages are no substitute for real conversation, not everybody thinks that PM's are an appropriate place for serious or important talk.

I'd say this guy just thinks he has swapped a few messages with somebody he would like to meet, you on the other hand have already built him up and knocked him down with an imagined narrative, you are overthinking it and I just hope it doesn't affect your date if it happens.

hawley · 18-10-2021 1:56pm

The thing about "half price drinks, I'm in trouble here" would irritate the hell out of me. As if he being forced into that; he sounds like an awful show off. Don't bother wasting your time with him, unless you're looking for a fling.

BronsonTB · 18-10-2021 2:03pm

Update OP??

Hannibal_Smith · 18-10-2021 6:05pm

Mod Note

@Bronson TB, as per the Charter:-

Do not ask for updates/to be kept updated - this prevents threads turning into blogs or soap operas for others amusement and avoids putting pressure on the original poster to return to the thread.

Thanks

HS

Trying to figure out if these are red flags or if II’m overthinking?

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