Grandparents - Level of Involvement/Help

Pawwed Rig · 19-08-2021 9:48pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117777935#Comment_117777935

You said earlier that she didn't offer now you say she did.

My retired MIL has visited 5 times since the birth (baby is 5 months), staying an hour or two each time helping with housework, watching baby etc (each time at our request, never offering first and sometimes reluctantly).

Maybe you just need to accept you're on your own here.

airy fairy · 19-08-2021 10:02pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117777935#Comment_117777935

But your original post said she never offers, you request she does the housework etc.

The fact you're on crutches isn't your mil's issue. She's in her 60s. She's done her own housework and childminding. If you need help at home perhaps hire someone. Let your mil enjoy her grandchild, not work during visits.

You come across as very entitled tbh.

witchgirl26 · 27-09-2021 11:13am

When I had our little boy, I was lucky in the my mam came over any time I asked just to help me out. Sometimes that was watching him for a small bit while I sorted out his clothes & other bits, sometimes it was making us some food while I looked after baby. That said, she was really conscious of not wanting to be seen to be "taking over". My OH's mother wasn't in great health at the time so did come to see us a little but wasn't able to "help out" to the same degree. I understood that though.

As for the doing housework - only had it happen once with proper housework (as opposed to getting cups of tea for people or something). My OH's brother lives up the road with his family. I'd be quite close to his wife & she knew I was struggling a little at the start. She popped down one of the days for a chat & when I needed to feed my son, she went into the kitchen for a little bit. When she came back, she'd cleaned the whole kitchen, put everything in the dishwasher & turned it on. I'd never expect that so it was a massive welcome surprise. Realistically though we hired a cleaner for 3 hours a week to do the big jobs (bathrooms etc).

Babysitting - we don't get much. My family all have their own kids of varying ages so not always easy for them to look after our little boy. Same with some my OH's family. The mothers do a bit if we ask but we don't like to take the p so don't do it too often. Biggest one we'd ever done was going away when our little boy was 8 weeks old for 2 nights. We left him with my mam & the level of planning involved was just on a epic scale. My sister even decamped over with her kids for the 2nd night to help out. Could not thank them enough.

lisasimpson · 02-10-2021 8:36am

I wouldnt expect much from my parents or in laws to be fair. They worked hard and raised us so retirement is for themselves. My own mam is my dads full time carer anyways so shes tied up enough and needs any break she can get to look after herself

Ive seen people struggle when they 1st have kids thats find others take to it like a duck to water. But at the end of the day its your child and you have to work thing out that suit you and your partner. I love travel but that on the backburner for next 20 yrs. You need to be more realistic. Whatever help you get with 1, people are a lot slower to help/babysit when yhe 2nd child and subsequent arrive. Yes some people are extrememy lucky with the help they get with babies but in my circle thats an exception rather than the norm.

jos28 · 31-10-2021 11:39am

Just thought I'd give a bit of perspective from the other side as a first time grandparents (6 month old grandchild). We live nearby, have visits every 10 days or so and daily photos/updates. However, we have yet to mind or babysit despite countless offers and it hurts. I really feel I can't get to know my grandchild or bond properly until I get him to myself for a little while.

The parents are incredibly organised and competent so offers of food, housework, shopping in the early days were refused. They really are amazing parents. We've been financially supportive paying for some of the big items needed for a new baby. I occasionally send little surprises in the post so I'm trying to show that I'm here if needed. I've never babysat and all the 'action' seems to be on the other side of the family. There have been holidays, babysitting, day trips. I feel as if the child is one of them and not one of us. It might make me sound very needy but I suppose I'm a bit jealous. I'm not sitting around all day waiting for THE call, I'm still working and have plenty of friends and family in my life but I'd love to be more involved. Be interested in your opinions.

shesty · 31-10-2021 10:04pm

Jos28, I suspect my MIL feels likes this sometimes...

Now she has minded the kids (not so much in the last year or so obviously), but over the years she has offered to do random jobs , shopping and the rest.It's just I have it sorted.I make full use of online everything - shopping, sorting stuff out.I batch cook and use the freezer.My laundry was picked up and delivered back for the first couple of newborn weeks.We got a cleaner for 2 visits under our health insurance.

From my point of view, I am the child of 2 working parents who just sorted themselves out and I guess I just figure that's how life goes.On my side of the family, my parents help if I ask, but in general operate on the basis that they aren't going to run my life for me, that it's our kids, that they managed and so will we.My MIL's situation as a parent would have been significantly different to mine and her methods of child rearing quite different to my parents, so I suspect some of the difference lies there.

Out of interest are you the parent of the father or mother?

31-10-2021 10:06pm

@jos28

I think it really depends on the person. We’ve moved away from my in-laws. We were living in a neigbouring house and are now about half an hour away. Personally I wasn’t comfortable having family that close and if a baby came along I would have found that too stressful. My mother is law is a lovely woman who loves kids but I like my own space and I wouldn’t be able for her wanting to be around the baby all the time.

Someone else would absolutly adore the help and attention. I’m quite self sufficient and organised and I like my own space. So I’m much happier since we moved and if a baby comes along I feel it will be a more comfortable situation for me.

The thing to remember here is its different for everyone. They seem to be great parents and you see the child regularly thats brilliant. Some of my husbands family are abroad and they haven’t see those kids at all.

Think positive, enjoy your life, let go of the jealousy and keep a good relationship with the parents. That’s my advice.

jos28 · 31-10-2021 10:15pm

The Father, Shesty. I suppose the family dynamics are somewhat different. I tended to give my adult children space with us socialising together whenever be we could. The other side seem to go everywhere together en masse which obviously now includes my grandchild. Different strokes I suppose but it does make us feel a bit left out. I certainly don't want to be tagging along, I'd just like the occasional babysitting session on our own

jos28 · 01-11-2021 12:06am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118099536#Comment_118099536

Think positive, enjoy your life, let go of the jealousy and keep a good relationship with the parents. That’s my advice

Wise words, many thanks 😉

Princess Calla · 01-11-2021 12:38am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118099584#Comment_118099584

I'm abit confused of your relationship, I think you are the father of the father...so paternal grandparents?

I know in my family with my brother everything went to the wife's family, children's godparents etc no one from our side was asked. If we were at an event and holding the child within a couple of minutes one of her family would be over and take them off you. It did upset my mam alot, the rest of us kinda said feck it.

Then with my sister's, they don't live local but my mam would visit and stay weeks at a time, she's very involved with them, but their dads families not so much.

I do think the bonds are stronger on the female side of the family. Certainly is in mine anyway.

My mam has a stupid annoying saying "your daughter is for life, your son is yours until he gets a wife" There is a certain element of truth in their too I suppose.

If the situation is really bothering you would you not have a quiet word with your child, they maybe oblivious to it, or oblivious to how it's impacting you. Letting it fester will just cause a bigger problem.

01-11-2021 11:08am

our child is an absolute duracell bunny.... even creche has asked how we keep up with them...

We don't live near any in laws, so any visits require us or them to do over night stays....

One side, the in laws and siblings all take turns and give us a break, let us go out etc...

The other side of in laws, sibling doesn't help and in laws are older....

when we go home, we tend to spend more time in the latter's house, as they can play with our child fine, but even then it turns into the child being bored and out of sorts in a new environment, and the in laws being tired....

yet, if we if elsewhere, it's seen as a dig...

I feel I'm in a no win situation.... even when they come over to ours, it's similar, and they even said last time they wouldn't look after the child as they're too much... which is fine, but then we get digs of saying "they feel in the way" when we continue life as normal and they come over for a holiday and don't help out...

never any problems with the other family, always something being done, even if they're not doing something with our child, dishes washed, some cleaning, gone to the shops.....

we try to be fair, but you can only be fair to a point where you end up stopping the people putting the most effort in from seeing our child, or helping

jos28 · 01-11-2021 4:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118100103#Comment_118100103

Thanks for all the feed back folks, amazing how everyone's family differs especially once in laws get involved. Just to clarify, I am the paternal Grandmother. Like Pricess Calla says, the bonds are often stronger on the female side and that is the case with our grandchild. There are more of them and they do EVERYTHING together. Everyone of them plus partners all going on holidays together in gangs of 12 or more😜. I love my family but that would drive me insane. There are also little cousins which is obviously a huge attraction. I really don't want to make a big issue of it, my son has a stressful job and doesn't need his oul wan moaning that she doesn't get her fair share of the child. I'm just afraid that I won't develop a strong relationship with a child I don't have much involvement with. I've offered to change my work schedule so I can help out with child minding when maternity leave ends. I suppose I'll see how that goes. Thanks all for listening to my rants

shesty · 01-11-2021 8:05pm

To be honest Jos, I was going to say, she is on mat leave, and it's been summer time.This is the easy part.Once (if) she goes back to work, it will become more of a balancing act.Much more.

That being said, yes it might easier for her to just contact her own parents when she needs help.I also noticed, on my OH's side, MIL places this large importance on having a big huge relationship with each child, and (3 kids further on here) it was actually really unnecessary at that age.I think maybe grandparents forget that 6 months is really young and this isn't your child.The bond with grandparents forms differently.

I see in my own kids who are now 7,5 and 3 - they have cousins on my side, which they love and the family dynamic is very different, but on my husband's side, Nana and Grandad shower the attention on them as they are and will always be the only grandkids, and it is a different relationship, but still fine.They haven't been involved in our daily childcare arrangements (no grandparents have, unless there is an emergency), just visits every week or two, and it has developed just fine.

jos28 · 01-11-2021 8:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118103645#Comment_118103645

Thanks a million Shesty, very reassuring. I'll learn to bide my time and spoil him rotten when the time comes 😊

02-11-2021 7:54am

@jos28 It’s very kind of you to offer to help out with childcare.

I hope all goes well for you.

MilkMusic · 20-03-2022 2:39pm

So about 7 months has passed since I first posted this discussion.

A few people had commented that I sounded entitled and to 'let your mother in law enjoy her grandchild' (ie. no babysitting etc.)

I was thinking to myself after 'jesus maybe I'm a snowflake whiner I should stop complaining!' so I decided to do things differently as follows; we never asked for any kind of help in any form however small from my MIL again. We asked and visited her with our baby a few times and kept her up to date with photos etc to try to keep her in the loop. We asked her would she like to visit about 15 times over the 8 months since. Many excuses followed "oh going to a concert that night' 'going to visit sister in kerry' etc. She came twice in 8 months stayed for an hour each time. She lives 30 mins away and retired. She's now just the other day forgotten our 1 year old's birthday (while we self-isolate due to Covid).

Maybe I'm a snowflake but it just seems quite sad. I feel bad for my husband who is a great son and helps her regularly with all sorts of things. I see grandmothers calling into our neighbours all the time. Maybe I'm just an entitled snowflake who needs to suck it up and get over it.

Princess Calla · 20-03-2022 3:50pm

Leave her be. She's the one missing out.

If your husband is bothered let him make himself less available.

We could spend all day trying to figure out why she's like that but it won't alter the situation.

Focus on your own lil family ☺️

shesty · 20-03-2022 7:28pm

Nah, that's a bit much.

It is her decision.All you can do is try, but you can't make her.Focus on yourselves.

Taking the focus off her may result in her complaining she never sees you of course🙄 But what can you do.Keep the door open, but try not to worry too much over it.

airy fairy · 21-03-2022 12:46am

You've done you're bit now. You've put it back on her, it hadn't been appreciated.

Up to her now, don't run after her any more. Let her invite you over. Let her be the initiator.

My mil couldn't be arsed with my kids. I got over it after counselling. Best piece of advice, don't let her take space up in your brain.

If she wants you, she knows where you are.

Grandparents - Level of Involvement/Help

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