Argument last night

romaderwdcsax · 03-11-2021 1:40pm #1

Looking for an independent view on this one.

We bought a new house a few months ago and as we now have big rooms, I said to my wife about looking at the idea of getting a pool table for the front room.

I understand that it would take up most of the room but as we’re not doing up that room for a few years then it would be the perfect place for it.

Then the argument took place that was straight away directed to money. How we can’t afford it. Now I am willing to pay for it myself as I’m the one that wants it, it might cost €500. I don’t go out, I don’t buy myself anything, last thing I bought was a car, 3 years ago which I need to get to and from work, I’m home every evening.

We have a 2 year old and another child on the way in February. My wife is doing the majority of savings for the new arrival as I’m not in a financial position at the moment to contribute in that regard. I do the majority of household chores, I do at least 50% of looking after our son, drop him to creche, pick him up, wash his clothes etc.

I do some work on the side at the moment so I can have a few extra quid to help with recurring bills next year(car insurance, car tax etc)so I can be around to help with the new arrival.

Last week she mentioned the idea of a hotel night in the near future that will cost the bones of €300, she got the new iPhone last month, which I have absolutely no problem with, as she saved up the money for the phone. I’m just not understanding the argument with the there’s no money there for a pool table when there is money there for expensive hotel stays.

I personally feel it’s the pool table taking up the room is the issue but last night it was a money issue.

Any help would be much appreciated.

03-11-2021 1:44pm

You say you are "not in a position" to contribute towards saving for your new baby, due shortly, but can find €500 to spend on a pool table?

I think you need to re-evaluate your priorities.

Bummer1234 · 03-11-2021 1:47pm

"I’m not in a financial position at the moment to contribute in that regard" but you wanna contribute €500 to getting your own pool table...

Ahh man come on...

jimwallace197 · 03-11-2021 1:47pm

Hello Op,

I think you make some valid points & I think if you explained to this to her in a calm and rational manner you might have better success.

However, the fact that she sounds like the main breadwinner at the moment & also that you have another child on the way in February doesnt help your cause. I'm assuming because its relatively close to her due date, she is starting to probably feel a bit more stressed & hormonal especially if she's working too. On top of this, as I'm sure you're well aware, babies are very expensive.

Personally, I'd recommend waiting until the pregnancy is out of the way, when things have settled down before going for the pool table again. Say middle of next year.

On a side note, even if you have kids, you should find time to go out every now & then, its healthy & would do you the world of good & the relationship too. no doubt.

notAMember · 03-11-2021 1:51pm

You want a pool table for your family when you have a two year old and a baby on the way, and money is tight? At what age do you expect your unborn baby to start playing pool?

Please consider becoming a good father and a husband, not a lodger who helps out about the house, or another child for your wife to take care of. Your 500 euros should go to something the whole family can enjoy and supporting your spouse. A phone is for her to use to be contactable, and a hotel room is for you both to have a break or holiday. Neither of those are selfish purchases. I don't even understand the "my money" "her money" mindset here. You are a family now.

My wife is doing the majority of savings for the new arrival as I’m not in a financial position at the moment to contribute in that regard

Buying solo toys while she does the physical labour of using her whole body to make a new baby and also having the expectation of her paying for everything for the children as well is just an awful way to treat your family.

Stone Deaf 4evr · 03-11-2021 1:52pm

The big red flag for me is the fact that you're married, have kids and a house and are still talking in terms of who pays for what.

The family is a team or a unit. its a group effort with group decisions.

thefallingman · 03-11-2021 1:53pm

Yes sorry Op i'd side with your wife on this, get the gaff sorted, get a job and have the baba and then maybe get the pool table. But i will say spending all that money on a new iphone makes me a little sick aswell unless she is rolling in cash.

jimwallace197 · 03-11-2021 1:59pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112318#Comment_118112318

Well in fairness, if money is tight, the wife didnt need to buy a brand new Iphone, probably the most expensive on the market currently. You can be contactable with plenty of other phones

romaderwdcsax · 03-11-2021 2:00pm

Maybe I forgot to add that I’ve a full time permanent job, mortgage and creche fees for our son is split 50/50, other household bills are split 50/50 and we both contribute a few hundred every month to our savings that will be used for house improvements and contribute towards no 2 child. She earns slightly more per month than me.

jimmycrackcorm · 03-11-2021 2:02pm

Say to her you're thinking instead of getting a new iphone, mention that she just got one so it's hardly arguable that you should get one. Then when she agrees, get the pool table instead.

Mrcaramelchoc · 03-11-2021 2:02pm

Get the pool table and it could double as a baby changing station as well.

romaderwdcsax · 03-11-2021 2:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112318#Comment_118112318

Sorry now but I’m there for our son practically every single second of the day that he’s not in creche . I get him up for creche, feed him, clothe him, take him to creche, pick him up from creche, bathe him, play with him, take him for walks put him to bed etc as my wife works longer hours 2 weeks per month, so I wouldn’t be questioning the becoming a good father, I’m not perfect but I try my best.

vandriver · 03-11-2021 2:06pm

Maybe it's not the pool table per se,but the mindset behind suggesting a hobby that takes time you won't have with 2 young kids.

It speaks to her about your priorities while she is probably worrying about how you're going to pay 2 crèche fees.

Roger the cabin boy · 03-11-2021 2:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058216255/argument-last-night

How does one pay for something themselves when they are married?

Padre_Pio · 03-11-2021 2:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112363#Comment_118112363

Another meaning to "pot the brown"

To the OP, pool tables IMO are great the odd few weekends of the year when you have friends over, but the majority of the time are a complete waste of space.

Too heavy to move, to big to store, you're better off spending your money in a snooker club.

People will do anything to fill the space they have. If you didn't have the room, you wouldn't even consider a pool table.

SteM · 03-11-2021 2:09pm

Forget about the pool table OP. You're a grown man and you'll have a second child in a few months so you won't have time to use it. Take a fraction of the €500 you were going to spend on it, go out and buy your pregnant wife a nice bunch of flowers and apologise for the argument (even if you think it wasn't your fault).

Gregor Samsa · 03-11-2021 2:11pm

Dedicating an entire room to a pool table - no matter what the cost is - isn't the same as a weekend away or a new phone. In your mind, you're spending €500 on a pool table. In her mind you're getting the exclusive use of an entire room in the house for €500. The €300 on a hotel stay is for the two of you to enjoy. Unless the house is massive, having a dedicated pool room is quite an extravagance, especially when you have a young and growing family, and by your own admission you're not financially flush. The fact is that while you're getting great value for this €500 purchase, she's not only not getting anything for it - she's losing out.

greendom · 03-11-2021 2:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112369#Comment_118112369

There's going to be a lot of expenses coming up, more important than a pool table. I'd drop the idea for now.

partyguinness · 03-11-2021 2:17pm

Hold on. Did I read this correctly:

"We have a 2 year old and another child on the way in February. My wife is doing the majority of savings for the new arrival as I’m not in a financial position at the moment to contribute in that regard."

but I want to buy a pool table for €500.00?

bobdcow · 03-11-2021 2:17pm

I'd start saving myself, like your wife does for her iPhone, and then when you have the cost of the pool table from savings, job done?

partyguinness · 03-11-2021 2:17pm

OP...the pool table can double up as a changing mat. Bingo.

meeeeh · 03-11-2021 2:19pm

I think other posters were a bit unfair. For me it makes sense that person earning more is able to contribute to household finances a bit more, so I have no issues with only wife saving extra.

Pool table is another issue. It's a type of a purchase that will take up whole room and while they are cool they tend to be used a lot less than intended. Especially if you have small children that keep you awake. From what you wrote you don't seem to be under a huge financial pressure and you should be able to talk it out how much money you are prepared to spend on recreational items. I get the feeling your wife just doesn't see the value in a pool table. Do you play pool, are you a member of a club? If not it might be better to try that first. However I also don't think 500 Euro is huge amount if you spend very little on yourself otherwise and if it means you can still meet your own financial obligations.

Roger the cabin boy · 03-11-2021 2:21pm

My wife is doing the majority of savings for the new arrival as I’m not in a financial position at the moment to contribute in that regard. I do the majority of household chores, I do at least 50% of looking after our son, drop him to creche, pick him up, wash his clothes etc.

I do some work on the side at the moment so I can have a few extra quid to help with recurring bills next year(car insurance, car tax etc)so I can be around to help with the new arrival.

Perhaps read this back to yourself.

Perhaps not. The modern idea of marriage is not what it used to be although the clue to what it should be is in the vows one takes.

This does not mean you can't have money for yourself, it does mean that its not "yours" to start with.

I find it odd myself. Money is the least of the things one shares in a marriage. If you can't even share that properly, whats the point?

Buddy Bubs · 03-11-2021 2:25pm

It's the pool table that I'd guess is the issue. I like a game of pool as much as the next guy but one in my house, not a chance. Maybe a dedicated pool table and games room in a garage or something but if you're talking about a sitting room, not a chance. Massive eyesore.

SteM · 03-11-2021 2:26pm

Also, pool is a social game. There is zero fun in playing on your own. Are you going to be inviting friends over to play when you have a new baby in the house? That'll be fun for your wife.

HeidiHeidi · 03-11-2021 2:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112476#Comment_118112476

This is the bit I was wondering about!

partyguinness · 03-11-2021 2:28pm

I have to admit OP...your posts come across as rather detached. Perhaps it is just your writing style but you sound like you are looking in.

Looking after your own children emotionally and financially is called "parenting"- it is not grounds for a lifetime award.

El Gato De Negocios · 03-11-2021 2:32pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058216255/argument-last-night

Your wife is the one doing the majority of the saving for the new arrival.

You cant afford to save anything extra so she is carrying the can in that regard.

You can afford to buy a pool table.

But cant afford to throw a few extra quid into the savings account?

And you are perplexed as to why she is annoyed?

romaderwdcsax · 03-11-2021 2:33pm

I’ve forgotten about the pool table at this stage as it’s not worth the hassle, my issue was and is that there’s no money for one thing but there is money for other things. If I suggested that the money goes towards a suite of furniture then I would have more than likely got a very positive response.

If she was looking for something that I wasn’t keen on then I’d have said no problem work away. But it seems to be a much different response on the very very rare time that I’d actually like to get something for myself and that was the exact same case when there were no children involved and much much more disposable income

DubCount · 03-11-2021 2:36pm

The heart of this problem is the "my money / your money" debate. All couples need to figure this one out. Your combined intake of money needs to cover the essentials - the mortgage, bills, food on the table etc.. After that (hopefully) there will be some space for discretionary spend (nights out, holidays, iphones and pool tables). You have to find a way to sit down and work on a combined budget, and agree how the essential spend and discretionary spend is split, and at what stage do you need to consult each other before making a spend. You also need to agree what happens if one side overspends, or if additional essential spend hits you (new washing machine etc.). Its not very romantic, but its the only way to stop these kinds of rows.

For what its worth, I wouldn't spend 500 on a pool table with a new baby on the way. I wouldn't have bought a new iphone either. 2 wrongs dont always equal.

Buddy Bubs · 03-11-2021 2:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112521#Comment_118112521

You've bigger issues then, financial compatability. But I really think this is about plonking a huge eyesore in the middle of a house. Getting a pool table instead of a coffee table is like getting a horse as a pet instead of a dog, just not appropriate for most people.

Go to the snooker club for a game.

El Gato De Negocios · 03-11-2021 2:42pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112521#Comment_118112521

Using money for a night away is something you both could enjoy.

Using money for a suite of furniture is something you both will benefit from.

Using money for a pool table is something only you will enjoy however when you arent in a position to contribute more to the family fund buying it would be selfish, its really that simple.

El_Duderino 09 · 03-11-2021 2:52pm

I don't really understand the concept of a couple having totally separate money. Your money top pay for family costs like childcare and mortgage and whatever else, doesn't matter whether it came from your account or your partner's account. Money is fungible. The household only has as much money as the two of you combined. So i don't understand you saying you don't have money to contribute to savings but you have money for a pool table from your own money.

My Mrs. and I have a joint account for household costs and we also have personal accounts, a joint savings account and an ISA each but ultimately the money for the family can only come from the combined total of our earnings. But we would always talk to each other about any big purchases for ourselves (like a pool table or a holiday with the lads) and whether WE can afford it. Even if it comes from my account, that means I can't contribute that to household bills (such as childcare) or savings (saving for a house in our cases).

notAMember · 03-11-2021 4:09pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112425#Comment_118112425

And also the cost of the home extension to put it in, right? Because he is planning on consuming not just the 500 euro, but also the sitting room.

bobdcow · 03-11-2021 4:16pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118113399#Comment_118113399

It would probably take too much time to save for an extension (that he hasn't mentioned) just by small savings, I'd be suggesting a credit union or bank loan for that...but it doesn't matter because the pool table is going into his sitting room.

03-11-2021 4:41pm

OP your wife is probably just really stressed out at the moment. The fight was likely brewing regardless of the pool table.

She's working and has a kid and is pregnant and is trying to settle into a new home. The moment you mentioned a pool table she probably just shut it down straight away by whatever means necessary. It's too big a move to talk about right now. A big purchase and something non-baby related, encroaching into your space, in a new home. It would stress anyone out.

Tork · 03-11-2021 5:28pm

I understand that it would take up most of the room but as we’re not doing up that room for a few years then it would be the perfect place for it.

And when the time comes to do the room up, what happens to the pool table? We all know that the pool table going into that room is a land grab. This isn't about the cost of the pool table. It's about the loss of a room in your house to a hobby that only you like. Your wife is probably not going to want to use that room and you're not going to want your kids anywhere near that pool table for years to come.

dinneenp · 03-11-2021 6:56pm

I'm going against the grain here and siding with the OP.

She got a new iPhone, house new couch. Did it need to be an iPhone, did they need a new couch or did she want a new one?

As OP said, he doesn't go out, spend much. If he wanted to spend €500 on a bike I guess she mightn't have an issue with it. Could be wrong but it may well be the idea of a room taken up by the pool table, her thinking you'll be 'locked away' in there.

As your kids get older, they would love spending time with you, playing pool.

Tork · 03-11-2021 7:10pm

The €500 for the pool table is the tip of the iceberg though. The cost is really the floor area of the room as a % of the house's value. He wants to take over a room for himself. It isn't clear how many other rooms are in the house or what plans they may have originally had for it. Maybe his wife thinks he'll turn the room into a man den and opt out of family life by hanging out in there for hours on end. It's all conjecture of course. Maybe she's just over possessive and doesn't want him to have a life of his own. I don't think complaining about buying an iPhone or a sofa is a fair comparison. The sofa is something that everyone in the house can use and it has a practical purpose. An iPhone is an extravagance but if everybody thought that way nobody'd buy them. Besides, it'll likely get lots of use and is a small object that won't take over a room.

Hannibal_Smith · 03-11-2021 8:12pm

... there’s no money for one thing but there is money for other things. If I suggested that the money goes towards a suite of furniture then I would have more than likely got a very positive response.

You're turning it into a power struggle when it doesn't sound like that's what it is....

But it seems to be a much different response on the very very rare time that I’d actually like to get something for myself

The one thing that you want fairly majorly and unilaterally impacts the home and future plans for the home. An iPhone goes in your pocket. It sounds like she was trying to let you down gently about it without wanting to dampen your wishes and your wants, so she came up with the money angle as a practical way of turning it down

Padre_Pio · 03-11-2021 8:16pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118114253#Comment_118114253

I'm sure the kids will love it, in about 10 years when they're tall enough to use it.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-11-2021 8:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118114605#Comment_118114605

Exactly. If you are buying a pool table for your kids to enjoy then you can wait at least 8 years. I’m sure you are not going to let a toddler loose with a pool cue to rip the cloth.

As others have rightly pointed out, you are unlikely to get as much use out of a pool table as you think. So you then end up with an unuseable room because there’s a pool table in the middle of it. We had a pool table for a while when we were building/finishing our house. (Given to us for free by somebody who obviously wanted rid of it because they realised they didn’t use it and it was taking up too much space). It was in an unfinished room. It mostly acted as a table for sorting washing. When the room was being finished for use the pool table was moved to the shed, and has been upright against the shed wall for the past 9 years.

SunnySundays · 03-11-2021 10:32pm

2 kids under 2 and you think you'll have time to play pool!

How are you going to play pool with cos it won't be the wife or the kids?

You'll also won't have the excuse to get out for a game if you have a table in the house.

Your wife won't want others around playing pool while she is managing 2 kids.

Also, there are loads of vacancies right now , why not find one of them to contribute to the household income?

You seem immature, selfish and somewhat deluded.

romaderwdcsax · 03-11-2021 11:58pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118115411#Comment_118115411

While my wife is managing 2 kids, bit of backward thinking there.

Unfortunatly I don’t currently have hours upon hours to take on a second job due to looking after our son.

Immature, selfish and deluded is a bit much to be fair, just was looking to have something for myself to enjoy for half an hour whenever I got a chance.

Sonic the Shaghog · 04-11-2021 1:43am

Frankly ye are as both bad as each other.

Struggling to get bits bought for a new arrival and one wants to piss away €500 on a pool table and the other €950+ on a new iPhone when most €200 Samsungs or Xiaomis can basically do everything as good as a new phones bar gaming and slightly better pics unless you are professional

The €300 night away I can understand as it helps keep a relationship going having your own time together

retro:electro · 04-11-2021 1:52am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118114253#Comment_118114253

She earns more and is also saving for the new arrival, so she can buy herself an iPhone if she wants. He isn’t saving as he “isn’t in a position to” but is seemingly in a position to spend €500 on a pool table. OP also seems to want a pat on the back for being a father to his child and getting him up and dressed in the morning. I think some growing up needs to be done on your part OP. Your wife is probably pissed off that you’re not contributing one cent to the new arrival but no problem pissing away money on frivolous things

osarusan · 04-11-2021 2:02am

OP, can you not see that taking over an entire room is going to bother her?

Apart from that, this idea that she paid for X and you paid for Y is crazy for a family with a child and another on the way. Who is earning more, and what that entitles them to relative to their lesser-earning partner, is the road to madness.

You are supposed to be a unit. The problem is that you don't seem to be.

storker · 04-11-2021 2:27am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116144#Comment_118116144

Exactly. My guess is that's it's less about the €500 than it is about a whole room becoming unavailable for anything else. And once it's in, good luck to her into talking the OP into getting rid of it later on.

joeguevara · 04-11-2021 3:12am

Growing up as I was obsessed with pool. My father got myself and my brother one at the age of 10 and was amazing. When I owned a pub in Carlow I think we had between 6-8 tables there, my pride and joy was the one with a black light and fluorescent pool balls.

In my first house I put one in and in all honesty the only use it got was after the pub when the lads came back to continue the party. I never played it otherwise.

The pool table looks like an instrument for underlying issues. Tit for tat about you spending this so why can’t I spend that especially with saving for a new arrival is bound to cause tensions and add in the stress of a new move is a powder keg ready to explode. You also mention that you do 50% of the chores when you are there in the evening but (and I may be wrong) your partner is paying and saving for the family unit and also doing half of the chores. You can understand how it could grate if a purchase of something that is solely for you is not appropriate. Add in the probability of your friends coming to play and boom!

Communication is key. Discuss how you both can save together for the family. What is available for discretionary spending.

Finally 500 is high. You can get a good table for way less. Here is one https://www.donedeal.ie/snooker-for-sale/supreme-the-new-match-tables/29122052?campaign=3

hope all works out.

Buddy Bubs · 04-11-2021 6:47am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116202#Comment_118116202

That's not 123 euro though. Its just a random figure they put in as they are selling many tables

Big Bag of Chips · 04-11-2021 7:14am

I do the majority of household chores, I do at least 50% of looking after our son, drop him to creche, pick him up, wash his clothes etc.

That's called being a parent. Funny, you never hear a mother outlining that she does 50% of looking after her child, dropping him to creche, picking him up, washing his clothes.

My wife is doing the majority of savings for the new arrival as I’m not in a financial position at the moment to contribute in that regard.....

... She earns slightly more per month than me.

If she earns slightly more than you, and you pay 50/50 for household expenses why is she saving the majority for the future and you are not contributing anything, yet have €500 spare to spend on an ornament?

I personally feel it’s the pool table taking up the room is the issue but last night it was a money issue.

I personally feel it's both.

Argument last night

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