Argument last night

joeguevara · 04-11-2021 7:34am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116273#Comment_118116273

was thinking that it was a great deal to be fair. But the point still stands that with a little bit of research you can get tables much cheaper. Notwithstanding that, my post is clear about the fact that the pool table is not really the issue.

Homelander · 04-11-2021 7:45am

Kinda bonkers to be comparing a pool table with buying an iphone though. The latter, regardless of cost, is actually a functional item used everyday and by an individual. If you said you wanted the new Samsung Galaxy and she said absolutely not, that's quite different.

A pool table though is entirely a luxury item, and putting aside the cost of an entirely unnecessary, frivilous investment in such a niche item at a time when you're expecting a second child, it would also take up a lot of space in your home wihle adding zero value for anyone but you.

Honestly I think you need to open your eyes a little. The optics aren't great here, context is importand and it's very naive to attempt to boil it down to "she got a new phone so why can't I get a pool table" situation.

HBC08 · 04-11-2021 7:57am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112660#Comment_118112660

Fùck that.

I have a joint account with my Mrs and that covers all our spending,we also have a joint savings account. The outgoings from this account kinda takes care of itself but we would talk about it the odd time.

Then we have our own accounts,I have a business,account,personal and CU.She has a personal, shares and pension and 2 mortgages in her home country.Maybe she has more accounts,it's not my business,if I asked she'd tell me.Same as if she asked I'd tell her.No way she'd be second guessing or questioning any spends out of my accounts though and visa versa.

I realise this is a different situation to the OP and gone a little off topic. I agree with everyone else,forget about the pool table for lots of reasons.However I think this is about more than a pool table,it's stressful with a new kid on the way for both of ye.Good luck with it all.

Ash.J.Williams · 04-11-2021 8:05am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112521#Comment_118112521

While she’s pregnant you’ll have to suck it up snd address your needs in two years time

04-11-2021 8:07am

What's €500 in the general scheme of things regarding a baby - nothing imo... OP should be let have his pool table, which will last for years, or as long as room (in the yet to be done up room) permits... Wife must be annoyed that he's not earning much atm, and that's probably compounded by the fact that there will be a pool table on full view in the 'main room'.. 500 euros - not 5 thousand! It's a damn cheap pastime in my opinion.. If he went to the pub one night a week, he'd have that amount spent in 3 months..

airy fairy · 04-11-2021 8:19am

I don't think the cost is the issue here with your wife. The fact she's having another baby soon and you want to persue an extra activity rather than look forward to the impending arrival, coupled with hormones, it doesn't look good for dad of the year does it? You want to head off into the pool room to play a game while she's feeding the baby, and a toddler in the middle, think for a minute how it looks to her.

She's vulnerable, working, has a toddler, carrying your next child and you want to do what you want to do? She's currently the breadwinner, due to go on maternity leave and I can imagine the stress she's under to provide is enormous, regardless of her salary.

It's not worth the argument. Join a club for your 'you time'.

Jequ0n · 04-11-2021 8:41am

I think you are getting a hard time here, OP.

The majority of posts here focus on interpreting what she meant or might have meant to say in your argument. Personally I feel that there is little benefit in veiled hints and the like during an argument. Talk to her again and ask her whether this is more about the money and your general situation, or if it is about the table taking up too much space. You should not have to interpret each others responses as it causes the confusion you are currently experiencing.

I might have misinterpreted your posts, but it sounds to me like you have taken on a higher share of the childcare duties because she is the higher earner? I think it's perfectly reasonable for both partners to have their own outlets and spends, and it does not sound like you have a habit of splashing out on things for yourself. You both clearly have different ideas of how money should be spent and only taking to each other will resolve this.

Talk to your wife and see what her actual issue is, and find a compromise. And don't let the somewhat nasty and insulting responses on this thread bother you. The ironic thing is that the responses here would be very different if the genders were reversed.

joeguevara · 04-11-2021 8:47am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116367#Comment_118116367

He said that he does 50% of the chores related to the child so not a higher share. I don’t think that responses would be different if the genders were reversed. It looks like the pool table is him trying to cling to his pre-kids life and there is nothing wrong with that. Indeed many guys have a man cave. But this should only be financed once the expenses of family life are paid for equally or in an equitable fashion.

irelandrover · 04-11-2021 8:50am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112571#Comment_118112571

If her argument really is the money then I would say you are in the right here. You both clearly have an agreement on what you contribute to the joint finances and what you keep yourself. If she can spend her money on a new iPhone then you can spend yours on whatever you want as well.

If her argument is about you taking up a full room then to be honest she has a point. But then she should say thats what her issue is.

You are perfectly entitled to a hobby. Having a hobby you can do in the house is only beneficial. Being able to go pot some balls to help clear your head for 20 minutes could be great for you. We had a pool table at home when i was younger and it was a great stress reliever. Its not just something you do with friends.

Jequ0n · 04-11-2021 9:23am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116380#Comment_118116380

He said that he does the majority of the household chores though, while his partner works longer hours. They will have obviously agreed on this setup.

Either way: If this is about money and savings the OP has a point, because a new iPhone would be an extravagance just like the table. They can only resolve this by talking about the actual reasons.

UID0 · 04-11-2021 9:30am

I know someone who has a pool table that a dining table top fits over. Means that they have a pool table when they want it, but the room can be used as a dining room as well. They cost a bit more, so it may not be an option for the moment, depending on how tight money is, but it's an option to consider. I've had dinner at that table, and you wouldn't be able to tell that it's a pool table if you weren't told.

Her problem may be that she was thinking of using the front room as a playroom for the two kids. I don't know how many rooms you have, so I don't know if you have another space for that already.

I would say that you need to find out from her what her problem is. If it's purely money, and your agreement is that each of you contribute a certain amount and the rest of your money is yours to spend, then just make sure that you aren't leaving yourself in a position where you don't have the money to contribute to the extra expenses of a second child.

If the problem is taking the space exclusively for your hobby, then she has a valid point and you need to negotiate an acceptable outcome for the two of you.

Finally, she could be worried that your mate Jimmy will be over every second day, and that she'll be left looking after the two kids for the evening while you stand around and have a few beers and play pool.

No matter what, communication is key.

iamwhoiam · 04-11-2021 9:46am

Spend the €500 on a few tubs of paint , cheap shelving in Ikea , a few cheap baskets and boxes , a rug or those rubber play mats . And you have a playroom or toy storage for your two children for the money you would spend on a pool table .

SteM · 04-11-2021 9:55am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116456#Comment_118116456

He said that he looked after the young child, nothing about household chores.

PokeHerKing · 04-11-2021 9:56am

Need a bit more info to determine who's the unreasonable one imo. Why do you not contribute to your future kids arrival? How did you buy the house if monies that tight?

Also house size, if you've an additional room after a kitchen/living area and a sitting room then the additional room being a game room/bar etc is perfectly reasonable.

If you're in a bog standard semi d then it's a bit much to be looking to swallow up the only spare downstairs room with a pool table.

irelandrover · 04-11-2021 10:13am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116555#Comment_118116555

read the OP again

I do the majority of household chores

witchgirl26 · 04-11-2021 10:16am

OP here's my take on it. The money is only one aspect but I'll tackle that one first. As many have said, you note that you can't contribute financially to saving for the new baby at the moment, your wife earns only slightly more than you a month & everything bill wise is split 50:50. Yet she's been able to save up for a new iPhone etc and put money aside for the new arrival. I think her getting the new phone can't be considered in this as it's not like she's shirking her responsibilities to do it. Whereas if you aren't managing to save anything towards the new arrival and want to spend €500 on a pool table, it does seem a bit much. And yes if it had been a suite of furniture, the response might have been better as that's something that can be used by everyone in the family, not just one member.

As for the pool table itself - look think about it rationally. The balls themselves are heavy as hell and in the hands of a small child, pretty lethal. What is your plan to ensure the kids don't get them and throw them around the place, possibly breaking lots of stuff? And there can be a fair amount of noise out of a pool table so when are you planning on using it? Because unless your house has great soundproofing between floors, there's a possibility that you're going to be waking up your son and your newborn (& potentially your wife) when you're playing. And will you actually play it by yourself or do you want to turn it into a lads space for you & your mates? If the latter, then I think you maybe need to grow up a little.

You mention the phone a few times but here's the thing. A phone is a practical thing. And while it is pricey, it doesn't impact on the usable space in the house for the rest of the family.

SteM · 04-11-2021 10:17am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116628#Comment_118116628

Apologies, I missed that in the OP.

jbv · 04-11-2021 10:17am

Don't think the problem is the money. Question is which woman wants a poll table in any room? There's a lot of frustration there about not going out anymore, you should find time and go out together and alone. We all need time of our own. Not having this leads to frustration. maybe for future the attic can be converted into a game/ fun room for all to enjoy.

Furze99 · 04-11-2021 10:21am

The key thing here is that you say she is your wife. Marriage is a basically a contract - what I own, you own and what you own, I own. So it's not your money and her money. The resources should belong to both of you and major financial decisions should be shared. Within that, there has to be room for some uncontested personal spending. Question is whether the pool table equates to an iPhone in this matter. Latter likely cost more but a much smaller package. Maybe that's the problem, not the €500 but the size of the yoke makes it a larger purchase in her mind.

PokeHerKing · 04-11-2021 10:24am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116648#Comment_118116648

My wife loves playing pool. It's mad that every post has claimed only the OP would be getting use out of, as if his wife was just a torso with no arms.

Anyway money and space are the only considerations imo. I chose gym over games room in our spare downstairs room. We both use it but its definitely more my space than my wife's.

However we have kitchen/living space and a separate TV room. If we didn't id have been out the back which is reasonable.

Tippbhoy1 · 04-11-2021 11:08am

Some of the response here are very judgemental and I would say one sided.

If you substituted pool table with eg PlayStation or bicycle would the response have been the same?

“My wife is doing the majority of savings for the new arrival as I’m not in a financial position at the moment to contribute in that regard.”

This comment above I’m a bit curious on, you state later that you earn almost the same amount as her? So how come she is saving the majority? This doesn’t look good on you when you have money to buy a table. I could see why there might be resentment if that is the case.

If it’s about a pool table taking up a room then fair enough, I can understand a partners reluctance to something so big. If it’s about the time then it’s a big issue, can someone not take 30 minutes for themselves maybe before they go to bed when the kids are in bed hours, can’t have a hobby of any description? It’s unhealthy to not have your own outlets or enjoyments even if it’s a rare occurrence with small kids.

If it’s about the OP not able to spend €500 on something nice for himself for once when he seems to have a fairly quiet existence then it’s a much bigger issue. If they’re living hand to mouth right now then fair enough, but I don’t get that sense here. If it’s a case that she earns more and therefore gets to treat herself but he can’t, I can see this being very destructive. She shouldn’t have purchased the iPhone if €500 for yourself is an issue for example.

It should be easy to figure out if the issue is actually the pool table or is in fact an issue with the OP having time to himself with a hobby, or more likely there is an issue with money between them. If the latter you need to discuss how this works and not create a situation where you feel there is a disparity, it will create resentment and further issues down the line. In my marriage we contribute most of our income into a shared account and the remainder is for whatever we want ourselves for hobbies, phones, pints, etc. Others do it differently, but this works for us. Best of luck with it, you need to sort this before it becomes a festering issue.

rolling boh · 04-11-2021 11:11am

More or less taking over a room for a hobby is bound to cause an issue at some stage unless of course its a big house but that won't apply to most .

Tork · 04-11-2021 11:22am

To be fair, there are a lot of unknowns in this issue. We don't know how many spare rooms are in the OP's house, or what his wife had in mind for this particular room. The talk of the table staying in there until the room is redecorated is a fiction. It's either going to have become a liked and used piece of furniture in there, and therefore difficult to get rid of when the time comes. Or it'll have turned into a bulky dust collector hogging a room that could've been used for something else. This argument isn't about money - it's about somebody hogging a room and perhaps a lack of communication and understanding. The pair of you need to talk and not accuse each other of spending money in ways you disapprove of (i.e. on that iPhone). Find out why she doesn't want the room taken over by the pool table and try to keep it away from money.

dinneenp · 04-11-2021 1:06pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116305#Comment_118116305

It's not a bonkers comparison though, is it? You can pay €800 or more, depending on the iphone model or pay €200 for a decent phone. A phone is functional, a new iPhone may be luxurious.

04-11-2021 1:23pm

Consider a big foldaway table as a compromise. I have a small one -pool table, that is- I think it's just short of 5 feet long. It's not as sturdy as a full size, and the balls are smaller -- the pool balls that is-- but it satisfies the itch and can then be put away when not in use. The principles of the game are the same. My 'real' pool game has improved a lot from using it.

Have to agree with previous posters highlighting the fact that many women love to play pool and play very well. I have a friend that would probably have her baby sleep in the garden to save room for a pool table! :D

Yester · 04-11-2021 1:35pm

https://playclassic.games/games/sport-dos-games-online/play-virtual-pool-online/

The Nal · 04-11-2021 1:41pm

Pool tables are sh1t anyway. If its not a full size snooker table then its not worth it.

3DataModem · 04-11-2021 1:45pm

Another thread reminding me why being a single income family is so so much easier, if you can get it right.

HamSarris · 04-11-2021 1:45pm

Women don’t care about men’s needs or suffering. This issue is not about money, she wouldn’t be buying a new iphone or suggesting a weekend away if this was the case. The issue is that you are spending money on yourself and not your wife and kids. Women hate this – there was a video out a few years ago where men pretended to buy an expensive car and when they brought it home their wives went into a psychotic rage or broke down crying.

She may have won this battle but it’s important not to always be submissive and maybe come to a compromise – e.g., I won’t buy the pool table but I might get myself a bike etc. If you fall into a submissive provider role she will lose respect for you and lose attraction. Always doing what your wife wants is one of the best ways to end up on the road to divorce as women have no attraction to low status men.

I’m sure your wife and kids won’t starve to death if you spend some money on yourself from time to time. It’s important to value yourself as the happier you are in your life the better you’ll be for your family – rather than a resentful ATM/dishwasher.

bucketybuck · 04-11-2021 1:50pm

I don't quite understand the financials here. Not that I have to know the details but they do seem relevant.

You are working full time, do some work on the side, earn similar if slightly less salary than your wife but she has to do the saving because you can't contribute right now?

And some of the posts give the impression not just that you want a pool table, but that you want her to pay for it...

It really sounds like there is something important about money not being said here. Why can't you contribute to the savings?

HeidiHeidi · 04-11-2021 2:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118117762#Comment_118117762

Wow, just wow.

PilotHole · 04-11-2021 2:34pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116519#Comment_118116519

But then he wouldn't have a pool table.

iamwhoiam · 04-11-2021 2:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118117983#Comment_118117983

No I know that . He would have two happy kids and a happy wife though .

jimwallace197 · 04-11-2021 2:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118117762#Comment_118117762

You'll get shot down a lot for this post but I believe your correct in much of what you say. You have to stand up for yourself if she not willing to at least compromise OP. Otherwise it's a slippery slope to divorce. When she's buying brand new Iphones which I believe are more expensive than a pool table, its not unreasonable to be a bit pissed off for not getting one. The timing of all this is bad though, its too soon until she gives birth again. Best leave it until a couple of months until after she's given birth & as long as she doesnt suffer post natal depression.

notAMember · 04-11-2021 2:49pm

Oh lordie he must be suffering hugely without a pool table in his sitting room. God love him, how on earth will he survive. :D

It could also be that wife has different taste or standards to you also OP. She could be seeing a pool table as something more suited to a pub, than for a home. Use your spare money to go out with your friends from time to time. Spare your family this one.

Homelander · 04-11-2021 3:03pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118117554#Comment_118117554

It's less to do with money and more to do with the principle. If my wife came to me and said she wanted to splurge €1,000 a a new tablet or phone I'd be a lot more open to it than if she came to me and said she want to buy an in-home sauna that would take up our entire spare room.

The OP is falsely conflating the two purchases when they are contextually completely different. Really, the basic issue here is that the guy's wife doesn't want him putting a pool table in the house - which is a fairly reasonable position for most people, especially given they probably like in a modest sized home and they've a 2nd child on the way.

thefallingman · 04-11-2021 3:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118117762#Comment_118117762

In my experience as a seasoned male, there is a huge amount of truth in this post. Not all women of course, but certainly alot of the women i know have these traits in abundance. Still think the op's wife was right though now is not the time for a pool table.

Hannibal_Smith · 04-11-2021 3:17pm

Mod Note

@HamSarris as per the Forum Charter:-

- Generalisations and generic sweeping statements are not helpful to an OP and posters will be pulled up on it.

Please do not make sweeping statements going forward.

Thanks

HS

Shao Kahn · 04-11-2021 6:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112377#Comment_118112377

Well in fairness now, he could have just as easily suggested a set of golf clubs.

With the pool table he's still within reach when the baby poop hits the proverbial. It's a convenient hobby.

OP what about a compromise? Get yourself a dart board. You'll need it for your pool room anyway. Can't have a pool table without a dart board. ;)

04-11-2021 6:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118117636#Comment_118117636

All well and good... But there's no point in the OP having a 'Mickey Mouse' pool table - he doesn't go to the pub.. No disrespect, but you can play on a 'proper' pool table whenever you want, but as far as those 5 foot jobs are concerned, it's the equivalent of playing darts on a velcro board..

04-11-2021 7:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118119392#Comment_118119392

Ha. Well, Maradonna learned how to play football by kicking a tennis ball around. QED.

Joking aside, yeah they are imperfect, but they are a compromise (tho I wasn't joking about it improving me 'real' pool game, such as it is).

joeguevara · 04-11-2021 7:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118119285#Comment_118119285

To be fair the biggest issue in this whole situation is that when the baby poop hits the proverbial he wouldn’t have paid for the nappies and would have paid for the pool table.

04-11-2021 7:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118119679#Comment_118119679

Yeah, fair point.... But I remember when them 6ft snooker tables (probably similar to the sort of table you have) were popular - neighbours had one, but it's not the same as playing on a proper solid pub pool table, as those lightweight pool/snooker tables don't have any slate on them.. Never played (don't think anyway) on a 5ft, but if they're anything resembling the 4ft little table we used to have, with balls little bigger than marbles; then it's practically zero fun or entertainment.... Balls so small, it's almost impossible to get any action on the cueball, and don't get me started on the black rubber cushions that aren't even covered by felt 😅

Glad it works for you though... Playing under 'tougher conditions' is always an asset, when you eventually get to a 'level playing field' haha 😊

Idle Passerby · 04-11-2021 9:46pm

Keeping tabs on whose paid for what when your married with kids seems like needless hassle but each to their own.

Taking the separate finances into account, If you can't afford to help your wife save for your new baby, you can't afford toys for yourself. If she has enough left over after putting some aside for the new arrival why shouldn't she get a new phone? She can afford it and it has no impact on you or anyone else so what's the issue?

She's also buying things with her money you can both enjoy together, I would have thought that's a nice, thoughtful thing to do.

You want to spend money you apparently don't have on something that takes you away from helping her when she's got a newborn and a toddler to look after. Your effectively turning a room in your house into a place you can hide from her and the kids. I dont blame her for putting her foot down.

04-11-2021 9:49pm

Who makes this ***** up?

It's like something that you would read in The Sun newspaper while sitting on the bog!

***************************

Oscar Madison warned for Breach of forum charter.

Big Bag of Chips · 04-11-2021 10:53pm

@Oscar Madison you've been given a warning, and your subsequent post was deleted. Please do not troll the Personal Issues Forum. Due to the sensitive nature of posts here the forum is heavily moderated.

04-11-2021 10:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118120636#Comment_118120636

Absolutely not trolling!

I put up an opinion and I get this s***e!!

**************************

Oscar Madison warned for Breach of Charter and off topic posting. Please do not question a moderator's action on thread. PM if you have an issue.

04-11-2021 11:33pm

Think most of the replies are way too harsh on the OP tbh.

Leaving aside the specifics of the argument, when one partner controls the finances rigidly that can easily spin into an abusive relationship. The OP has said several times that he doesn't feel listened to when he wants to make purchases, whereas the wealthier partner gets to buy what they like. That can easily be a corrosive dynamic.

we don't really know enough about the size of the house to dismiss how feasible losing one room to a pool table would be, or why with similar wages the OP can't save more but fundamentally the OP needs to communicate to his wife that he doesn't feel listened to.

With a second kid on the way, the lack of communication is only going to get worse with lack of sleep and overall tiredness so you need to be careful how you address this issue but you do need to address it.

fatbhoy · 04-11-2021 11:44pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118117762#Comment_118117762

100% agree with this. Mods, whatsuppppp

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Edit Warning given for breach of forum charter - no advice offered to the OP and discussing moderation on thread.

HS

Jump_In_Jack · 05-11-2021 8:05am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058216255/argument-last-night

Hi OP,

I have virtually the same arrangement as you,

My better half earns 20% more than me, while I work longer hours, have a more stressful job with deadlines and projects I often work in the evening after kids go to bed, and I have to commute between 1 and 2 hours a day depending on seasonal traffic, where my partner has a 10 minute stroll to work as we chose to locate ourselves close to family instead of close to or halfway to my work, and I also do on call regularly after hours so evenings and weekends are impacted and leave me very little in the way of me time.

I mind, or parent as someone else called it! :), our small children in the morning before I leave for work, I get up early, lift them out of their cots, make the porridge, get them changed and dressed and fed and keep them entertained until my better half has had a shower and breakfast and is ready to drop them to creche (5-10 minutes each way in the morning).

I collect them after work every evening unless I get caught to work late I take care of them until the dinner is served (usually we prepare dinners at the weekend and microwave them during the week), and then we both put them all to bed, taking turns to stay up with the eldest to read books and do a tuck in a bit later than the others.

Then I tidy up the living area while my partner will watch tv or do exercises and then go to bed early (as I do the late night bottle feeds before I go to bed, I don’t get up with them if they wake during the night, one of them would usually wake in the early hours and need to be shushed and cuddled for a minute to get them back to sleep, but it’s getting less frequent lately) so I go to bed later and get up earlier than my partner so my partner gets to sleep in a bit (with a mid-night disruption usually) but to be fair does need the extra sleep after a year or so of sleep deprivation.

We split the mortgage, bills, childcare, miscellaneous household purchases, 50/50 down the middle for everything to do with the upkeep of the house and the children.

I pay the family health insurance myself (work benefit), and we both pay a shared life assurance policy.

So, I’m sorry for all the preamble but just to give a flavour of life after small children and when more babies come along.

I would not normally have any free time for myself except if I arrange a relative to help my partner mind the children for me for an hour or so on a weekend.

I wouldn’t have any free time to play pool even if I had a pool table in the house (we have a tiny semi-D so never a runner!) and the noise at night would definitely wake either the kids or my partner as noise travels through the downstairs ceiling.

In terms of spending money; after child care and a car loan (on a second hand car) plus driving expenses (tax, insurance, tyres, fuel, NCT, annual maintenance service), mortgage, bills and the almost regular house purchases and repairs of things such as shower breaking down, boiler maintenance or repair, chairs and car seats for the children, I’ve also had some costly medical issues lately, etc there is always something extra that must be budgeted for or springs up at the end of each month so I haven’t had disposable income in about 3 years.

I can’t afford to spend on clothes, or dinners out, I gave up drinking (staying in and going out) when the kids arrived, I don’t smoke or have gambling issues etc.

I’m literally going month to month and clearing my full wages with barely enough to spare to pay for my lunches in work, sometimes I have to bring in my lunch as my bank balance would be spent and my credit card would be already feeling the pinch.

Please don’t read this as a sob story, as I am a very lucky man, I am a dedicated husband and parent to wonderful healthy children, I have nothing but pride and appreciation for what we have, my parents, brothers/sisters, and their kids and my in laws are all in great health thankfully, so life at the end of the day is a joy and a privilege each day, I’m not complaining, just being real about the commitments and expense that comes with family life.

The last thing I’ll cover is spending money on yourself,

My partner has disposable income, I do not at the moment, and will not until the kids are all out of childcare in a few years.

If I needed something my partner would offer to pay for it and I’d pay it back gradually (add it to the mountain!). I have always owed money to my partner for the past few years, and it will eventually be paid off in another few years if things go my way, but I will never take and spend my partner’s money and write it off. I just can’t do that, it wouldn’t sit right with me.

The way I see it, had I had worked harder in school and college and done a better course and a better grade I would have a better job now with more spending money, so I see that as my own life choices that I have to accept the consequences of now, I can’t afford to go back and retrain at this point so I am where I am for the long haul and have made peace with that.

My advice to you is this; have a conversation with your partner and be completely transparent with your finances, explain that you would like to use some of your own disposable income to pay for something that you feel you will get the use out of and enjoy, and work out with your partner if the pool table taking up the room is the real issue, or if it is a fear that you might not help as much, or that you might have friends over drinking and smoking in the front room all the time, or some other reservation she might have.

I know in my case I gave my partner as much leeway as possible when she was pregnant, there was nothing I’d question as she was so stressed and worn out that I would let her decide whatever she wanted and go along with it and maybe in subsequent years when things settle down to normality would I circle back to something I might want that she didn’t want at the time.

If it’s something I want for myself and we can pay all of the normal commitments together and I’m paying her back the agreed amount so she’s not under any pressure, I will pay for the thing myself, but if I were trying to take over a room to myself I wouldn’t have the spare space in my house or shed anyway, non runner, but even if we had a spare room, I don’t think I would be right to say I’d take the room for myself until we had the money to renovate the room unless she was in full agreement. It wouldn’t be worth the agro.

I hope my little rant helps you some bit, perhaps not!! :)

Best of luck and keep talking to your partner, openness and transparency with some appreciation for their point of view is always the best approach in my view.

Argument last night

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