Mo money mo problems

No easy answer as you know your husband better than us, but I think the above from Princess Calla is good advice . Sit down, remind him of the old situation and how he reacted to your previous cash-strapped situation. Then come up with a plan - even if it is that you pay a little more until the commission starts to come in again and you will back-date it if everything must be kept 50/50.

But best of luck with it OP.

This must be the third of fourth thread I've read in as many days, and I'm starting to think its me that wrong.

When you get married - you are now a team / unit. This idea of silo-ing off money into personal accounts that your partner doesn't know about is a really odd concept to me. I know how much my wife makes, and shes the same with me, we've a couple of accounts together - one current for daily spending, one for savings / holidays and one for the big things like utilities and mortgage.

but it all goes into the one pool, and is divvied up.

people need to start asking themselves - why are you (as a couple) effectively hiding finances from your spouse? - and I emphasize spouse, because I think unless you're legally married, theres certainly an element of prudence in having independent finances.

its a communication issue more than anything else - all these financial squabbles would be a lot easier averted if people simply talked it out.

How have you not noticed? Most people would keep an eye on their accounts. I log in every couple of days. 10 k is a lot to disappear into thin air.

You both need to sit down, catalogue all the outgoings and do up a budget.

Where do the costs of rearing your kids come from and how much salary should each person put in to that fund?

I find your approach really bizarre, not having a go, it’s just alien to me. My wife and I have had a joint account since before we were married and 100% of our salary goes into it and everything is paid from that. If either of us need to spend for clothes, etc we just do. Larger purchases that run into the hundreds are generally discussed beforehand but most spending is at our own discretion. I suppose it’s a matter of trust.

We also agree the amount that leaves that account every month for a savings account for which we have no cards (we review the amount every few months).

I'm a little baffled, you say the account should have €10 - €15k in it but its empty when you logged in to check, unless I miss understand. I'd actually be alarmed not worried, this is more than frivolous, it's shocking.

OP - your husband sounds like an asshole.

when he wouldn’t contribute more than 50% to make up for your less income it was alarm bells for me. You’re supposed to be a team.

But then spending all the money without telling you, this sounds like you’re dealing with a spoilt teenager and I’m not sure how much you can change someone who acts so selfishly.

I have earned more than my partner since the beginning of our relationship.

we saved for our mortgage and bought a house with me contributing a bit more, it was also my idea to save and buy a house but I actually don’t care. Our money is our money, her being broke is me being broke.

I supported everything when she was jobless and paid the mortgage by myself while putting a small bit into Credit union only lasted for like 4 months if even. It wasn’t easy either but this is what you do for each other.

she would do anything for me in the same sense. We decided to make everything easier we just kept 1 bank account. All our money now goes into that now. I have a bit more of a say with our money but it’s not because I’m earning more its because I track our spending and outgoings and tbh I actually enjoy managing our budget in a weird way.

But to be honest neither of us buy a whole lot for ourselves we buy stuff for the house and we probably feel we shouldn’t be spending money on ourselves because we were so strict when saving for a house it’s now ingrained into us.

Both our wages are basically seen as 1 big salary. We can both withdraw to Revolut if we want not that we ever do.

We have an extreme level of trust and I suppose what is sad is that this is hard to find nowadays and we don’t even have kids yet but we are engaged and kids are planned for future. Maybe we’re the crazy ones. People are so selfish now. But I can see why with people like your husband going around.

I hope that doesnt sound like I’m gloating as I’m not. I am just pretty shocked that people can be so selfish in a relationship with the person they love. What’s the point of life if you’re going to live that way.

Get out of there, that split everything 50/50 rule is boll0x imo. What happens when your balance is at 0 and his at 20k

are you turfed to the streets? Come off it

I wouldn't be so sure, as a gambler you could win all that in a few days, buy a dozen pairs of runners, get your betting account up to 50k and lose everything a few days later.

If he was particularly cute he would know to keep such spending in line with what you expect to see gone out of the account...

He’s after blowing over €10,000 and stopped contributing to the family if I’m reading it right.

some people are terrible with money, but this is unacceptable. I think you should get an explanation as to where the money is gone and he needs to give an undertaking this won’t happen again.

He’s buying play stations and runners while not paying his share of the bills, it does sound terribly immature.

Your husband sounds like a chancer, a moocher and a miser.

But then again, you married him.

I equally find your set up strange. Again, maybe a generational thing. I have always 'earned' less than my husband outside the home. But I am a better cook and do all that side of things. Since we had the kids, I went part time and now earn even less. However, he is self-employed and I do all his paperwork and a lot of admin work on my days at home and so we consider this to even things out. We have one business account - joint, one 'mortgage' account - joint (although only he pays into it and then we each have personal accounts but each pay for different bills out of them. It works out roughly even and we don't sweat the little differences. Neither of us are big personal spenders and the big spends get discussed. A relationship, or a marriage, are partnerships, and a partnership should include the finances. If each party is keeping track of every small penny then it is exhausting. I don't know how you can overcome this breach of trust, but I would suggest you change the system too at the same time as you address the trust. Best of luck either way.

I'm not sure whether all this discussion of how weird people find other people's financial arrangements is remotely helpful or even relevant to the OP.

OP, the fact of the matter is that your husband has committed a HUGE act of betrayal on you and the entire family. If I were in your shoes I'd be questioning whether I could ever get past that, tbh. The fact that he doesn't seem even remotely contrite is extremely concerning too, as it wouldn't give me even an iota of confidence that he won't do it again.

You need to have a SERIOUS sit down with him and find out what is actually going on in his head that he thinks this is no big deal.

I was just about to say the same.

Not much advice being given at all.

I don't know why people are suggesting gambling as the issue, as the OP has the statements and knows where the money has gone - seemingly all on frivolous spending. In a household that has €5k in standard household expenses per month on top of someone pulling back their contribution, while at the same time increasing their spending, it's easy to see that the €10k could be gone.

As for advice for the OP, you need to have a discussion with your husband about his contribution and his spending. I won't be an easy conversation.

No one is questioning the legality of the situation though.

Every couple will manage a situation in a way that suits their own means.

Tom, Dick and Harry telling the OP how they manage their money is of no use to the OP, the OP didn't ask for advice on how to budget or manage joint savings.

They had a system and the husband was the main enforcer of "the rules". This worked for them up until recently. The husband has now gone rogue that's the issue....how to deal with a rogue partner and if anyone experienced the same and if so how did they get back on track.

You spend 5k a month in household expenses and don't have joint savings it seems.

OP earns around 60k at the moment(70% of 5k + 100) and OP's husband earns I would guess around 35-40k considering the child he is(2k a month contribution).

We all know somebody like your husband, he lives paycheck to paycheck. He views his income as a target to spend and I would guess before Covid he has been spending well over 1k a month in what he viewed as "his" disposable income. I can nearly guarantee he has zero savings and piles of useless crap around.

You honestly don't seem to be much better. You have went at least year with little to no oversight of household funds and its not occurred to you that 5k a month is a lot of money in general household expenses before you even start to take into account incidentals and savings as a couple living with kids.

You would want to start with a financial advisor, some targets for joint savings(with joint reasons to save) and some oversight of his spending. Maybe a therapist or counselor for his compulsion control.

You have to force the issue. you have to regain control of your money. This guys behavior will bankrupt you. I would immediately set up your own account and remove his access to your money as much as possible. Then I would sit down with a spreadsheet and work out all the money, then agree a plan withhim

I would have one account for standing orders (no cards) and a different one for shopping. But you should have personal accounts for your own spending.

OP, we have a similar setup where we have a joint account for the usual general household expenses, which we pay into from our own accounts each month. We then use our own accounts for 'private expenditure' if you like, where we pretty much do what we like with our own money and will buy things without the need to consult the other, etc. It is a system which works very well, as we frankly do not need to get into any discussion if one or the other wants to buy something for themselves.

If I happened to find out that huge amounts of money had gone 'missing' from the joint account for the type of personal items that you describe, then I would be absolutely furious. I would also fully expect to be on the receiving side of herself's wrath if I was to use the same account for such a purpose. This issue needs immediate attention, and I would not hold back or sugarcoat the discussion in any way.

I would not pay too much attention to the gambling angle that some have shoehorned in. You will always have the usual suspects projecting their own worst thoughts of humanity onto all and sundry. It does not take long to burn through such an amount if there are regular packages etc. coming. In fact I believe that you have even said that you can see each and every expense, and it all tallies up.

You do definitely need to have that discussion though.

Look after your own money ( I mean either open a new personal account or cut out the direct debits).

Also the gambling thing worries me. Why would you think that ? Leads me to suggest you already suspects a problem with gambling.

It’s also very risky to keep a large amount in a current account anyway. I’d keep it to minimum required for month and the rest on deposit out of reach.

I would ask him the question. Where do we do from where, financially obviously, but the rest of it as well.