What's the etiquette here??

Christ...I disappear for a few months and the whole of Boards changes (not for the better I hasten to add) and I can't find feck all.

Glad to find this esteemed forum is alive and well.

The auld pot must be well caked up at this stage.

Iced like a frikken Xmas cake only brown……..good man.

Would you be happy to give birth to a politician on this bad boy?

Just atter dispatching a crusty log into the pot.

F ukker sat there like a bull seal …… three flushes sent the animal to the shït farm.

Must open the 400g can of prunes.

So on Saturday night past, myself and the old stocks got our ducks in a row, took our antigen tests and took the dustsheets off one of the boys' holiday retreat, to gather for a good old fashioned poker night.

Everyone came laden down with all manner of beers and whiskeys and a local restaurant served up a delivery of fantastic nosebag, lovely tender pulled pork, steak sambos, piri-piri chicken and a variety of interesting sides.

Having never been particularly good at poker, my wallet was empty by around midnight and we all retreated to bed around 3am, full of the dinner leftovers and probably 20 beers and chasers.

I had a hot sleep and woke up with the kidneys throbbing, so began to get the water into me while one kind laddo powered up the DeLonghi and began making morning coffees.

Around Midday we packed the cars and aimed them for Dublin once again, but I was out of sorts because the bowel hadn't evacuated and was struggling after the unfamiliar assault.

En route home, the current Mrs Lar phoned and asked me to pick up a few trimmings for the roast, so I pulled in at the Tesco hypermarché and grabbed another coffee to keep me upright.

Just as I reached the top of the travelator, it felt like my innards all shifted at once and an emergency situation was suddenly in play.

I tossed my shopping basket behind a rack of children's winter coats in the drapery and made for the Toilets only to find the dreaded cleaning trolley outside the Gents WC. There was nothing for it but to retreat to the Handicapped unit by the entrance and not a moment too soon I slammed the heavy door and yanked the long handled clamp into place with one hand while undoing my heavy leather belt with the other.

The cheeks hit the elevated seat unit above the pan in the nick of time and a noisy and uncooperative mix of all the densities erupted at once, threatening to wash away organs and all.

In the end it was all over quickly, but the damage was extensive and the atmosphere highly malodorous.

By then I had a slight headache and the jitters from a combination of dehydration and excessive caffeine, so I made a cursory effort to mop up the midden from under and around the elevated seat and added a few courtesy flushes before scrubbing the paws.

I left the room like the Pink Panther peering around corners and as I made a swift left to retrieve my empty basket from amongst the clothing, I heard a woman on the opposite side of the entrance begin giving her husband serious grief for the smell and getting angrier still when he denied it.

"don't lie to me you disgusting animal", she said, "I know what yours are like and you're an embarrassment".

So, whether he ever hears it or not, I'd like to thank him on the double, for both taking the bullet and for sparing me the same íde béal that I would got in my own home, had I not safely pitted en route.

Great Post. Have used the handicapped facilities on many the occasions, but always and only when it is an emergency and the packed stools render the body with a considerable handicap that defacto warrants the use of the specially allocated facilities.

I'll agree, the higher seating position can throw off the form and create a less than favorable circumstances if you're aiming to score a 10, but none the less, we professionals will make do with what we are presented with.

Always a treat to be in the posh spots that have an emergency pull cord that can be used call in assistance if the situation gets out of control. Haven't got to that point yet.

Moderate sized evacuation this morning in the communal office toilet. What it lacked in volume it made up in other ways. Did not disappoint

Absolutely rancid stank off it. Might be the half kg of mixed Berries and Greek yoghurt I had last night.

Had to leave there quick before got ID'd at the scene so, I did the deed and Out the door rapid and turned the "Out of service cleaning in progress" sign on the door just in case some gombeen with a blocked nose or covid couldn't smell the waft of shite from down the hall and stumbled into the life threatening stank

Bad dose of the 'scuts' doing the rounds here lads and lassies.

A horrendous sentence was handed down to me o'r the weekend.

More liquid exiting at the back than the front is never a good sign. Feeling drained and easily irritated now today..

Think I'll need to swallow bisto and some cornflour today to 'thicken the dung' so to speak..

I was on a few days holidays this week and ticked a good few pre-Christmas jobs (no pun intended) off the list on Monday, so decided I would chance a driveby shootup in the auld mass vaccination centre on the way home.

Earlier on in the day I had been attending to the various family graves in cemeteries around the place, and had been keeping myself warm with several takeaway black coffees.

And so it was that I was sitting in the recovery area of the VC when the belly suddenly cramped and the contents dropped a level, which is never a great sign.

I paused as I left the centre, deciding whether I would make it home, or have to inflict the damage on the bathrooms of the wonderful corps of volunteers, but it being the season of goodwill, I decided to chance it.

Unfortunately, the bowel was not playing ball with the strategy and it was no sooner than I hung a luey out the gate of the venue, that I realised making it home would be an impossibility.

And then, it was as if Jesus himself was rewarding me for my earlier generosity, when the festive coloured banner of a Circle K hoved into view.

I abandoned Black Bess sideways across a couple of handicapped spaces and dashed in to the convenience store area, just barely remembering to don a mask.

But then, so near and yet so far, the goddammed toilet foyer had a coded door on it. The situation was getting desperate and the mongo in the adjoining frozen yoghurt concession (or whatever catchpenny shytebox it was) indicated sullenly that I would have to approach the attractive girls behind the main till. I say attractive, but of course they had masks on, however the bodies were bangin, so I'll give them my backing.

Anyhoo, Girl #1 did not provide a code but told me to return to the door and she would open it. She did however dither as she dealt with another customer and so I aimed a look into the CCTV camera that would kill her ancestors all over again and she complied.

A quick scan of the options revealed a typical suite, a gents, a ladies and a handicapped WC cum baby changing area. Of course I opted for the latter as I'm fond of my light and space when evicting a lodger, but, foiled again, it required a key.

There was nothing for it, I dashed into the empty Gents to be greeted by four pissoirs and horror of horrors, just one trap.

I know you all know what that means and yes, it was in an awful condition, with dried midden up the back rim and over the edge of the back. Added to that there was wads of paper already in the bowl, so I had to make a split second decision not to flush lest it block and flood and I be left without any options save the Ladies traps.

And so it was, with just one girding of the loins that a snake of many colours swirled silently into the wadded pan followed by a rain of coffee made and like all good tales, the climax was swift and it was devastating.

I didn't dare stay long for fear of being caught red-handed and almost absent mindedly flushed, only to be caught out by my earlier concern. I held my breath as the water rose in the flooded porcelain and my freshly birthed eel rotated impeccably in the swirling flood, but stopped just short of disaster. It did not however recede. Oh well, its their fault for not keeping on top of the cleansing routine.

Happy Christmas.