Dating a slow texter

eaglach · 27-11-2021 8:32am #1

So I've been on 4 dates with a guy I met on Tinder. Things seem to be going well and he is very keen on me which is great.

But there's one small thing that is bothering me. It's not a show stopper but still irritating! He's a slow texter. Every message I send takes on average 3 hours to get a reply, regardless of when I text.

His texts are very engaging and he sends multiple messages at once, but I just don't understand what takes him so long to reply. I know people can be busy and fully understand you may not be able to text in work, but even in his free time he's the same. He might even say he's been watching TV for the whole evening so it's not like he's busy doing something urgent!

Other times after I've sent a message before he replies he might post a story on Instagram. I also see that he's been on WhatsApp a few times following my messages without replying (you can see last online time on it).

Again I'll say that it's not a deal breaker and I'm not losing any sleep over it but I'm just confused! Could it be a game he's playing? Maybe he's trying not to seem to eager? Should I match his texting habits of hours between messages instead of replying as soon as I have the time?

OU812 · 27-11-2021 8:39am

FFS. If you’re looking for an answer in a hurry, call him.

and forget about the “should I match his reply speed”. Don’t play games.

If you like him, go for it.

27-11-2021 8:45am

If you're checking when he's online and posting here about it,you are losing sleep about it

Relax FFS

If you want to lose him,play the games you're talking about and/or challenge him on his reply times

27-11-2021 8:48am

Totally agree with @Marine Layer

The important thing is how ye get on when you meet in person.

Big Bag of Chips · 27-11-2021 9:46am

Everything people do these days is on their phone/online. People work, socialise, shop, are entertained etc. I don't want this to sound harsh, but you are not the only thing going on in his life at the moment. He could have any number of WhatsApp groups with dozens of messages, memes, arrangements, etc coming in all day. He might check one group and leave others until later. I often have unopened, unread messages from family, friends, colleagues. Where I might have opened other messages.

Sometimes I'm just watching telly. Or sometimes I'm in the middle of something else online etc.

If you like him just continue doing what you're doing. If you need him for something urgent (unlikely) call him. If you're just chit-chatting then there's no urgency and he doesn't need to reply immediately. But he has other family, friends, groups, commitments. All going on on his phone too.

Relax. You don't need to be in instant contact with each other.

Is this the same lad you were worried about because he's recently out of a relationship? Are you not that in to him, because you seem to be looking for problems.

eaglach · 27-11-2021 10:39am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118230903#Comment_118230903

I don't know why you're getting angry, it was only a passing question. I'm not losing any sleep over it, just wondering why.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118230913#Comment_118230913

No, I'm not losing any sleep. I've literally zero else going on in my life at the moment so have a lot of time to ruminate and post inane questions online!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118231061#Comment_118231061

Maybe I'm a different type of texter, but I would always reply to messages as soon as I have a chance. I don't like to leave people waiting, but maybe I'm the odd one?

As I keep saying, it's not a big deal. It's just a curious observation I guess. He seems really into me and just trying to get my head around his texting style! I think I'm just used to messaging guys and having a conversation over text. Like in the evening you might send a one line message, and a few minutes later you get a response and that might go on for a couple of hours. Then you say goodnight or whatever and then chat at some point the next day. Is that not normal?

With him it's like a block of text and a conversation that just keeps going. There's no point where it ends and you say "talk to you tomorrow".

I can't believe you remembered my other post! Yes it's him, but it's not that I'm not into him. I just have a lot of thoughts going on in my head about general things in my life so it doesn't necessarily mean that things are wrong.

Big Bag of Chips · 27-11-2021 10:47am

You are one person of many many people in his life. I have one or two people in my life that I might have an over and back few minutes text conversation with but it would he very few people and wouldn't be every night.

People are bombarded online all day every day. Notifications from apps, messages, emails etc. Some people are permanently attached to their phones. Some aren't.

He responds. He has a chat with you. He's just different to what you're used to.

If you like him, stop trying to sabotage it!

27-11-2021 10:48am

Interesting observation.

I think you’re right in that the speed of reply to a text for people new in a relationship certainly has some bearing on the level of enthusiasm of the other party, but it’s not an exact science.

I’ve a feeling he doesn’t want to commit too early here and doesn’t want to feel overwhelmed with someone overly “clingy” - see how the face to face works out for the moment- you might be reading too much into it.

Ash.J.Williams · 27-11-2021 10:49am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058220029/dating-a-slow-texter

Never ever judge a man by his online times

but yes slow texting is bad unless there’s an explanation

Big Bag of Chips · 27-11-2021 11:02am

I’ve a feeling he doesn’t want to commit too early here and doesn’t want to feel overwhelmed with someone overly “clingy”

This is a good point. Often on here you see advice to people who have become overly invested in a text relationship with someone with very little face to face meetings. You've met this fella 4 times. He seems keen. He texts occasionally. He's fitting you into life and arranging to see you. At this early stage THAT'S what's important. Not his texting style short quick messages v longer, slower replies.

I think it's a non issue if your dates are going well. He just doesn't want to invest too much too soon.

Maybe he senses your apprehension, seeing as this is your second thread in a couple of weeks looking for problems 😉. Just go with the flow. You're enjoying getting to know him. That's all it is right now.

Annasopra · 27-11-2021 11:12am

To be honest I think let it go on how long the responses take and see how the relationship goes.

bucketybuck · 27-11-2021 11:25am

I hate messaging, I barely respond to messages from my family, I have to force myself to respond to messages from friends. And those are messages directed to me, when it comes to group chats forget about it. Anybody dating me is not going to have some teenager style back and forth conversations over a phone, if I was sitting on the sofa staring at the wall with nothing better to do I'd still hate doing it, they are false and boring.

The texts I do write will also be engaging and well written, because if I make the effort at all I will give the respect of doing them properly, but all that means is that I can write, it says nothing about whether I actually wanted to or not.

Thats who I am. If I met a girl and she decided I was like that because I wanted to play games with her, that would be Carly Simon "You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you" territory.

You have met him four times, its not as if he bombarded you with texts for months and then stopped all of a sudden, it just seems that he is not much of a texter and that is allowed. You may not like it, and you are absolutely allowed to consider it a negative when deciding if this is the guy for you, but I don't believe you should be assigning motives to it either.

NiceFella · 27-11-2021 12:22pm

It must be said when it comes to texting some people are way more savvy at it and feel they can communicate well through it.

I'm not one of those people and would be in the "slow texter" camp as you put it. Primarily as when I'm with myself I typically would be engrossed in something I'm doing at that moment. And the reason it might take me an hour or two is because of the simple logic that if I respond straight away another message will be there in 2 mins, on and on and on. When I'm with my GF I pay full attention to her. Could you imagine if I was looking at my phone when with her.

My GF is similar to me though, she can take time responding too, but it doesn't bother us.

You clearly like this guy Alot, but allow him to be himself and you can decide if you are happy with that. It's early days yet.

eaglach · 27-11-2021 2:01pm

So a bit of an update. I had a coffee with a friend a couple of hours ago who's also gay. Told him I went on a few dates with this guy, showed him some pics. He said he recognised him from the apps and was briefly chatting to him a couple of days ago and so is still active on the dating scene.

I figure he's 'dating' a couple of guys at the moment and probably why he doesn't want to overcommit with messages right now. It makes sense because he's postponed a couple of dates with me for some odd reasons which I figure were clashes with other guys, but of course could be genuine as well.

I know we're not exclusive, but I can't help but feel a little bit stung by finding out. Ignorance is bliss as they say. He's perfectly entitled to date other people obviously, but with him being so keen (saying he really likes me and hope it can go somewhere after the 3rd date) I'm just very confused. I actually went off the apps completely after our first date which is very rare for me!

I'm guaranteed to be overthinking this, but it's hard not to.

27-11-2021 3:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118231885#Comment_118231885

Oops I thought you were a girl

My advice is the same

A lot of merit in what advice has been given already

Disconnect yourself from worrying about time between replies and concentrate on the face to face

Hopefully at some stage you'll be having the talk about what ye are to each other

Let's get to that stage first before over analysing what others are saying he's doing

Time for that when you've resolved what ye are

Enjoy the excitement of it all above all

4 dates is a good sign

LawBoy2018 · 27-11-2021 3:34pm

Furze99 · 27-11-2021 3:37pm

Sounds like a positive trait to be honest.

bitofabind · 27-11-2021 3:52pm

I think the key thing to focus on right now OP is what YOU want from this. You went off the apps after one date, so assuming you're looking for an exclusive relationship. He appears not to be, or at least he's not at the stage of investment that you are. That's worth a conversation surely? It probably trickles back to his non-responsiveness with you right now.

When I met my partner, he told me he deleted hinge after our first date. It opened the door for me to do the same, and it kept us on the same page moving forward. Bit of a risk, bit soon some might say, but we're engaged now it worked out pretty well in the end. There's two options here from where I stand: say nothing and manage your own expectations i.e dial back the investment into him, or say something and either move on or get on the same page.

SunnySundays · 27-11-2021 4:11pm

The main reasons:-

1. He has a life of his own

2. You are not the centre of his universe

It's too trivial to get bothered about and very early days.

ted1 · 27-11-2021 4:29pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118231257#Comment_118231257

He has to get his friends advice on the reply. Probably very nervous.

27-11-2021 5:55pm

In light of your update OP my post probably still stands- and also if he’s still searching then maybe this may not be so long term as you might be hoping for.

At this stage probably best to meet F2F and have a “so what you think….?” type of conversation and see how it goes. TBH, his response may well be “I don’t want to commit” type of response- but I think maybe you’re thinking that too- maybe you feel more for him than he does for you? If that’s the case, it’s always sad but certainly not the end of the world- hope you work it out either way before you get too hurt.

BorneTobyWilde · 27-11-2021 5:58pm

I reply to texts 7-10 days after typically, and usually at 2.30 am .That's just me though .

eaglach · 27-11-2021 7:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118232759#Comment_118232759

Oh he's very interested. He explicitly said that he'd like to see where it goes between us and that he really likes me. I've never actually dated someone who's as interested as this so I do believe that bit is genuine.

Does make me wonder why he's still on the apps though. Maybe keeping options open in case it doesn't work out?

Locker10a · 27-11-2021 7:29pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118233082#Comment_118233082

To me that just sounds like he’s a very charming guy.

A persons actions will tell you everything you need to know …

eaglach · 27-11-2021 7:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118233094#Comment_118233094

That's true, he does seem genuine in what he says but I think he might be still on the look out for guys in the background and not explicitly saying it. Knowing that you're dating a guy who might still be having hook-ups is not the most pleasant of thoughts, even if he's technically not doing anything wrong!

27-11-2021 7:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118233082#Comment_118233082

He'd like to see "where it goes"- while dating other people?

Sh1ite and get off the fence comes to mind. You've got your advice - if you choose not to take it, that's your prerogative. I've nothing further to add here.

TheadoreT · 27-11-2021 8:11pm

His words and actions aren't really matching by the sounds of if. If he's cancelling dates(with dodgy excuses) and not too bothered to reply and still dating others he probably feels meh about you while waiting for something better to come along.

You've said "I'm not losing sleep over it" a few too many times for it to be believable here. Your whole vibe would give the indication that you're in dangerously deep here for A) how little a time you've been seeing him and B) his general lack of f*cks given.

Maybe there is a chance he could like you more with time but I'd be doubtful you'll not spiral in the meantime.

Stop monitoring his every online activity, get on with your own life instead of obsessing over his.

eaglach · 27-11-2021 8:23pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118233157#Comment_118233157

Look, I don't get modern dating. Everything is free game until you're exclusive apparently but at the same time they say that 3 or 4 dates is too soon for being exclusive. You get stuck in this weird grey area before exclusive. I'm not a fan!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118233245#Comment_118233245

I'm not sure he's dating other people, but may be hooking up with them. Even then I'm just assuming it because he's active on the apps.

I don't know what your definition of dangerously deep is, but if it's that I reply when he messages, I want to see him again and I'm not over the moon when he's still active on dating apps, then I guess I am. But wouldn't that be the same for anyone dating someone they're interested in?

Maybe I'm being naive here, but if someone tells you that they've had the best dates in years with you, tells you that they really like you and felt the most comfortable they've ever been with someone, it seems pretty genuine to me!

Locker10a · 27-11-2021 9:31pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118233297#Comment_118233297

I really feel for you! But be careful, he could be telling you what you want to hear.

if someone is really into you, you’ll feel it off them. Not just hear it verbally/written. Humans have incredible instincts mostly subconscious, trust this! You’ll know when you feel it off a person, don’t just trust their words.

eaglach · 27-11-2021 9:59pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118233588#Comment_118233588

I do feel it, I really do. But at the same time I understand he's human and is likely to want sex from somewhere!

Maybe I should just keep things casual for another few dates, avoid anything sexual until I'm sure they're not some fleeting feelings.

Big Bag of Chips · 28-11-2021 9:35am

eaglach - how are you in general with dating? Do you get attached very quickly? Do you expect a lot from a first meeting? Are you looking at longterm straight off or are you happy to wait and see how things naturally progress?

I ask partly because of your username, and partly because from your first time meeting this fella you were posting here questioning his motives. 2 threads in the relationship issues forum on a fella you've only met a handful of times isn't a good sign! I just wonder do you throw yourself into each and every date with every person you meet?

Dating seems to have really changed in the last number of years. Not that long ago seeing more than one person at any stage was considered cheating. Now it's normal. Now it's considered clingy and needy if you're going on dates with someone and expect them to not see anyone else. All this talk of "exclusive" etc was never a thing "back in our day".

But things have changed. People are different. Society and dating has changed (for better or worse?) and I think anyone who is dating these days needs to come to terms with that. Have you ever done the meeting multiple people thing? Or when you agree to go on a date do you stop checking for any other matches or messages? He may be meeting up with you. He may really like you. But he also might like to fill his other evenings meeting others. It seems to be the way now - until the "exclusive" talk.

I think though after 4 dates, heading to a 5th you are entitled to ask the question. You are always entitled to your feelings. If he says he doesn't want anything exclusive at the moment and is happy to just see where this leads then you have a decision to make. You can agree that you're also happy to go along with that for the moment, or you can tell him you're looking for something a bit more. Nothing wrong with that. He either thinks there's potential there with you or he doesn't. It's nothing personal if he doesn't. It's a numbers game. There'll be others.

osarusan · 28-11-2021 9:51am

The way he texts seems a minor/non-issue in comparison to him possibly (in your mind at least) still being on the lookout for casual hookups while telling you how into you he is.

On the texting thing - there's on one right way to message people. Just because somebody doesn't respond in the manner you would doesn't mean you have to read anything into it. Dealing with somebody who thinks you are playing games because you don't reply to every message immediately would be a headwreck.

On him still being on apps (apparently) - if you want to get to the bottom of it, you'll need to talk to him about it. Take him at his word when he says he's serious about seeing where the relationship is going, and ask him if it is 'exclusive and get off the apps' serious, and see how things go?

I suspect even if he says yes though, you'll still have doubts niggling away at you.

Annasopra · 28-11-2021 10:07am

Yeah I think

A Stop stressing over text responses

B Have a few more dates see how things go

C At that stage have a conversation with him as Osauraun says ask him is this "'exclusive and get off the apps' serious"

eaglach · 28-11-2021 10:17am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118234554#Comment_118234554

I would say that I don't get attached with many guys at all so when a potential comes along I start thinking about every little detail. I'm certainly overthinking things but I just can't help it. Maybe it's because I've had doubts about past relationships in the past which turned out to be true.

For instance, right now I'm taking every postponement of a date as a red flag. He's done it twice to me before and now when I tried to arrange another date his previously free evening is suddenly full! I know that can happen, but personally in my early stages of dating someone I'm keen on I would move things around to be able to go on a date. Maybe that's just me. Now he's tried to rearrange but I find myself playing a sort of game saying I'm not available either because I don't want to be the one living my life to his diary!

Normally if I go on dates I would only stop swiping if I saw serious potential, which isn't very often. I stopped swiping and messaging guys after our first date this time round. It's funny because I seem to be thinking about him way more after our last date where I started to doubt things when I started thinking about his slow texting, date postponement and being on dating apps.

I think it's too early to talk exclusive, but maybe I should just keep it casual for the next few dates (if they happen) and not do anything sexual until we have that talk.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118234601#Comment_118234601

I know you say there's no right way, but what is the best approach to texting for me in this instance? Is it to copy his style and wait a few hours before responding, or reply instantly as I usually do with anyone I'm messaging? Sometimes I feel foolish for jumping to reply and he doesn't get back to me until the next day!

As I mentioned above, I think I'll take it casual until it gets to the bedroom!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118234644#Comment_118234644

I agree with you on all the above, but it's hard to deal with point A. I overthink things. Just look at this thread for a fine example! I am seriously considering going back on the apps and talking to other guys because at the moment I feel I have all my eggs in one basket. Will also help focus my thoughts on other things when there's nothing else to think about!

osarusan · 28-11-2021 10:22am

Stop thinking about whether you should change the way you message him. Just message him in whatever way comes naturally to you, and let him reply in whatever way comes naturally to him. You recognise you've overthinking this. Which means you can stop doing that.

It's a complete non-issue in my opinion.

Whether he is still looking for action elsewhere while telling you how great you are is something that is a real issue.

Big Bag of Chips · 28-11-2021 10:26am

Now he's tried to rearrange but I find myself playing a sort of game saying I'm not available either because I don't want to be the one living my life to his diary!

I would hate to be looking for love these days. Don't star playing games. If you're available go. But don't sit around waiting. Make plans with friends, maybe even go on a few other dates if you think it would help.

But don't start turning down dates when you're going to be sitting at home doing nothing and agonising over every little detail with this fella. What's the point in that? He doesn't know you're playing a game. So the only one getting worked up is you.

eaglach · 28-11-2021 10:50am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118234686#Comment_118234686

I'm trying to change my mindset and just understand that he's human and is not in an exclusive relationship. You can really be into someone while still being sexually attracted to someone else and have urges.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118234702#Comment_118234702

It's hard not to play games. I just feel a bit too available. It's disheartening when you try to make plans with him and say you're completely available and he's trying to fit you into his life because he has so much going on! I mean what I said to him is not entirely untrue. If I was to meet him this week I would be changing my usual weekday routine (not that my routine is sacrosanct).

JeffKenna · 28-11-2021 11:11am

Going against the grain here a bit but I think you should have your guard up and the slow texting is a sign that he's not all that into you. Maybe my life is boring but I'd be able to find the time to meet someone I really liked. Most things are cancelled nowadays in any case.

Dakota Dan · 28-11-2021 11:17am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058220029/dating-a-slow-texter

When I read the heading I though he was a slow typer. You’re troubles are small.

eaglach · 28-11-2021 12:03pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118234850#Comment_118234850

That's what I thought, but then his constant positive messages and always trying to arrange dates (despite being busy and postponing a couple) is making me very confused!

standardg60 · 28-11-2021 1:05pm

Confusion is just another word for denial imo. I could forgive slow replies if someone was busy with something else, but if they were happily replying to other people and leaving me for hours or until the next day i would see it as nothing other than disrespectful and a clear sign they're not that bothered.

See it for what it is.

patnor1011 · 28-11-2021 1:32pm

And it also may be like this...

Why is he bombarding me with so much texts? Why is he checking my online presence or what I do? Why is he talking with other people about me (you know showing pictures and questioning my dating situation)? Why is he so upset if I have to cancel or rearrange the date...

Could be that he also see a lot of red flags...

Locker10a · 28-11-2021 1:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118235344#Comment_118235344

How would he know any of those things.

Theres absolutely no indication the OP is ‘bombarding’ anyone with texts here.

Effort is a direct reflection of interest. It’s really that simple.

fishersham · 28-11-2021 2:07pm

I hope I'm wrong OP. I'm only in my early 20s, wouldn't know a whole pile but I'm getting a bad vibe off this guy. I'm not the best texter, but if I'm into someone I'd rarely leave a text more than an hour or 2. Even on a night out I'd still make the effort to respond once or twice.

I've just never had any success with someone that unenthusiastic.

Mazzanop · 28-11-2021 3:20pm

Don't worry,

If he's a slow texter he'll be slow at everything else, if you catch my drift , 😉 so enjoy

eaglach · 28-11-2021 3:32pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118235239#Comment_118235239

Maybe it's a texting style for some people? He does send a lot of texts in one go, like it could be up to 10 messages. Maybe he's worried about the conversation going on all day if he replies instantly and we'll run out of things to say!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118235344#Comment_118235344

I have only responded to his texts with about the same amount of messages each time. The only difference is that I respond maybe within an hour. The rest of the stuff isn't fully accurate, but he wouldn't know it anyway.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118235656#Comment_118235656

You could be right and he's waiting for the right time to reply, or thinking about what he wants to say. Maybe he's trying to play it cool? Who knows.

Someone mentioned that effort is a reflection of interest which is a good point and I'd agree with it. What I don't know is if this is a lack of effort. He does respond to all my messages, albeit a bit slowly. He asks questions and seems genuinely interested in me. If he is busy and can't make a date he will rearrange straight away (and always asks when are we meeting again).

Maybe I'm just being overly serious about this and need to take a casual approach. I think I'll step back on the messages and not get hung up on when we're meeting again. I doubt he's thinking this much about me right now!

Annasopra · 28-11-2021 4:45pm

Honestly. I think you are overthinking the whole texting thing A LOT.

eaglach · 28-11-2021 4:48pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118236049#Comment_118236049

It's funny, if everyone responded saying it's normal then I'd say that I was overthinking and overreacting. But then when someone replies and thinks it's a negative sign it adds credence to my doubts! Maybe it's best not to ask!

Annasopra · 28-11-2021 4:52pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118236067#Comment_118236067

Id say roughly 80% of responses here are - dont worry about the texting thing and roughly 20% are worry about them. Personally Id weigh that up and be more inclined to listen to what the 80% say particularly when you even acknowledged yourself you recognise you are overthinking.

eaglach · 28-11-2021 5:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118236077#Comment_118236077

I appreciate the response.

The plan is just to be a bit more casual about this. Staying active on the dating apps to keep my options open, only be available when I'm actually available and not to read into texting behaviour or him cancelling dates. Focus on how the actual dates go. Can't do much else!

Annasopra · 28-11-2021 5:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118236175#Comment_118236175

Yes

I agree with all of this. The one thing id be a bit cautious personally is him cancelling dates.

I would say if he cancels planned dates more (like maybe another 3 or 4 times in a month then ask him why is there a pattern that he cancels dates a lot.

Dating a slow texter

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