He cancelled our date last minute

If he didn't want to see you he would have cancelled straight out.

Sounds like there was something else going on in the background that he thought he could sort out but didn't.

To be honest I probably wouldn't have gone on the attack about not being into you. I get that you were disappointed but I would have let the dust settle abit.

I doesn't sound to me like he's necessarily not that into you, to be honest it sounds more like you and he would have different approaches to things like canceling something last minute.

It clearly wouldn't register with him as a very big deal but it annoyed you, and that's fair enough.

Some people can be a little flaky. It doesn't mean you can't have relationships with these people and it doesn't mean they don't care but (at least in my experience) it might mean you have to manage your expectations of them a little or you may find yourself constantly disappointed or frustrated.

I'm sure he's gotten the message now that pulling out of something with a flimsy excuse last minute is not something you're cool with so hopefully that will be that. I wouldn't recommend getting too bent out of shape over one thing especially given how well you said things have been going otherwise.

Best of luck

Jesus, if a simple plan changing got me that reaction then I'd be worried about what I was getting into. Definite red flag territory.

Does he now go through life on edge that saying the wrong thing will get him the "Maybe you aren't into me" treatment?

Things come up, this is real life and its not like he was cancelling something formal. Huge over reaction in my opinion.

Big red flag right there

What strange excuse?

From your OP all his messages were within a few minutes, so as I understand it he messaged saying his dad needed something, then a few minutes later he basically said he wasn't feeling that well anyway and he might give it a miss.

That happens, thats real life, I certainly know I have had evenings were I wasn't up for much and just wanted to zone out. It says absolutely nothing about other people in my life.

You are creating a situation where he can't relax and just be honest, you would rather he suck it up and go sit beside you on a sofa or else you will accuse him of actually not being into you. 8 dates in a month but when he wants to take it easy you make a big deal out of it.

Sounds exhausting, I know I would be very wary of that.

You're right to be wary OP. There was a series of flimsy excuses. It was Saturday night.

So what if it was only a night in - is your time not important? I don't know why you should have a Plan B either, you had plans with him and short of an emergency it is reasonable to assume they are happening.

If that makes you high maintenance then I must be high maintenance to all my friends and they to me. It's called being considerate.

I think where you and I would differ though is I wouldn't read into his motivations. It's impossible to know whether he's not pushed, is attached, is flaky etc. All you know is what he's shown you - he will cancel for no specific reason at short notice. It's up to you whether this is a problem or not .

I also wouldn't have bothered messaging him, what is to be gained from that? If I liked him enough to see him again I would probably tell him there that the short notice cancelling is a problem for me and see what he says / if it happens again.

instead of reacting to the situation emotionally about how you feel - think about how he feels. thats what makes a good partner - by thinking of the other person in situations where he obviously wasnt feeling well. he really didnt do anything that was bad- just flaked out on coming over. it sounds like he was really trying to see you but it didnt work out. in that situation asks him if everything is ok - he had a headache and sounds like his father was asking him to do something - sounds like he was stressed, then wasnt feeling well, then went to bed (this is all normal reactions to stress) and then you were giving out to him. poor dude. let up a little bit and give people a break.if he saw you 8 times out of 10 dates you had arranged - he likes you. enjoy it and dont be stressing out.

Tbh you do come across as overanalysing things, reading too much into them, and needing to respond to them.

"If I said nothing then it would seem like I didn't care that he cancelled. Saying something apparently shows I'm high maintenance."

From his perspective, maybe it is the case that he had a headache and decided to cancel rather than go ahead but be far from at his best, and all he wants is to take a couple of painkillers and get some sleep. But then the other person starts questioning him about what this really means and if he's not really into her...that would get annoying very quickly.

If you just said something like you're disappointed as you were looking forward to the night, but you hope he feels better soon, and you'd like to reschedule sometime...what's the problem with that?

i'll also add you are either open to a relationship or not. people who are open to relationships dont constantly question the other persons motivations. if you are wary - which is normal too - then make sure he understands that - and that you are holding him to a higher standard because you are afraid of getting hurt. then he has a choice of whether he wants to engage with someone who thinks the relationship is over everytime they cancel or thinks they are cheating because they cancel etc etc. just communicate about what you want. after 8 dates you should be feeling more secure about things. or maybe you need the "talk" which is where you "label" the relationship. also just call each other and talk on the phone - rather than reading into text messages - makes things easier. good luck.

Hi OP,

I wasn't saying you seemed insecure. Apologies I wasn't clear. I meant texting in general is a confusing way to communicate so if (and it's a big if) I was going to bother bringing it up with him I would have waited until we were in company.

I know you and I are in the minority on this thread but I'm firmly of the opinion that you need to set your own standards then it's up to other people to meet them or not.

If you are the type of person that doesn't frequently (it's early days and he's let you down 25% of the time) cancel at short notice and is bothered by this then why pretend otherwise? I would not make arrangements then not show up at the last minute.

Given the variety of excuses he was unlikely telling the truth, I'd assume he was out having extended lunchtime pints then did some damage control with the soppy texts. Really I think you can do better. This is the period when he's out to impress you.

There are literally millions of blokes out there. Find one you can rely on.

i certainly wouldnt advise someone to break up with someone because they cancelled coming over to watch a movie- its a bit extreme! these are not teenagers- its like breaking up with someone because you dont like their shoes. if you are 2 adults then you need to discuss the issues - both peoples feelings are valid - its not a dictatorship. The poster needs to talk to him about how this made her feel. then its up to him if he changes how he cancels things last minute and its up to her what she accepts. theres no point breaking up with someone because you set this standard they are not even aware of. is she likes him she will invest the time - she's 25 not 50. if she doesnt then she can move on.

I don't know Toby. This is the second time he's done it. Some people are flaky or downright inconsiderate - they make decisions based purely on what they want to do right at that moment with no thought to the person or people they are messing around.

I don't treat people like that and if I make friends / begin dating someone like that it tends not to work out.

This stage of the relationship is about assessing if you're compatible. Why should the OP not consider if this personality type is going to cause her stress or annoyance down the line?

But if it's genuinely not a big deal to her then I think she should (as I suggested up thread) tell him honestly the next time she sees him that this bothers her.

hi - those are good points too! i get it. i suppose OP needs to have a good think about what she wants and talk to him about it. thats the best way forward i think.

I had to reread the OP because based on the replies I wondered if I had misunderstood it.

For the love of God people he wasn't sick! He was delayed, then doing something for his dad, then had a small headache. The OP was fine with him pushing back an hour even though she might have cut a previous engagement short to be there on time. There was no good reason he didn't show up. And he cancelled an earlier date because he was tired.

And people are saying the OP is over analysing, not open to a relationship, showing red flags.

How about just not putting her hand out to be slapped?

Happened to me too :)

I liked her too, but by the end of the night with me being sick and her taking it as a sign I wasnt paying attention to her we never met again after that.

I would love it to have ended up differently but all I could do that night was think about trying not to puke or fart, while constantly wiping sweat off my forehead and thinking i just want to go home to my bed and sleep.

"It's strange because he delayed it twice, then suddenly told me he wasn't well (despite not mentioning it at all during the day) and then afterwards said it was because he was tired!"

I don't get why you keep presenting this as some chain of messages with a constantly changing story, when by your account this all happened within the space of a few minutes.

I'd agree with this actually and also think you need to reset your perspective.

You seemed initially to be investigating if this meant he wasn't into you, followed up by trying to figure out if you've ruined it and how you can fix it.

You don't know him, can't know his motivations. Only time will tell.

You know you. You know he's the type to cancel at short notice for a non emergency. If that doesn't bother you great. If it bothers you a little, tell him - but in a 'i don't like this, is it likely to keep happening?' way not asking about his feelings for you way. If it bothers you a lot then end it because people in general don't change.

I agree with the pp who said talking about being honest does not mean they are honest and he was probably drinking with the boys or lining up some easy sex. Or he could be the type who can't cope with a small headache.

A small headache would not have him vomiting all over the place.

So - best case scenario he was having a bad day?

That's a great indicator of their future relationship then. Fine to leave OP twiddling her thumbs on a Saturday night because he's decided last minute he's not in the humour. It's presumably too late for her to make other plans and she likely spent time getting the house ready, herself ready and probably bought food in.

But he's (maybe) having a bad day so her situation is irrelevant. And let's face it, the postponing followed by cancellation looks suspicious.

Has he arranged a next date yet? A super one to make up for letting you down?

He may not feel he's in relationship territory without sex, and therefore not really doing anything wrong in going elsewhere. Not saying that's the right thing at all, just humans will find an excuse.

its been one month, 8 dates is very intense and you sound far too heavily reliant on him emotionally, if I am honest. You're putting all your eggs in the one basket here as well. You're so young, get out there if you can and meet more ppl - being so into one person after one month is not healthy.