He cancelled our date last minute

struck1 · 11-12-2021 9:25am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304022#Comment_118304022

This is not going to paint me in a good light but it's only because he's still on it. I haven't swiped right on anyone and I'm not talking to anyone. I know you could say he's doing the same thing but if a man is updating his profile I can only assume he's still on the lookout for other women.

I know I need to talk to him. I must just love torturing myself with negative thoughts until I do!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304024#Comment_118304024

Are you saying that if he doesn't choose to be exclusive without me saying that he's unlikely to be a match for me?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304076#Comment_118304076

I'm okay for him to be on Tinder but it's just that after a month of dating if he's updating his profile it doesn't exactly send good signals!

The texting thing is just very awkward, that's all. I feel like I can't message him randomly even to arrange a date because I'm still waiting hours for him to reply to my last message!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304138#Comment_118304138

I think even for my own health I should ask him if he wants to be exclusive. I don't want to be having sex with someone that could have who knows how many other women on the go!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304148#Comment_118304148

Yes I think that's all I can do. I would be the kind of person who would check to see if he had deleted his Tinder account. I think I'm paranoid after a guy I previously dated went exclusive with me but was still dating other people. Really affected my trust.

I don't know how you fully trust someone new in your life. I'd like to think I know him a bit by now, but there's no way to truly know someone that early on. I guess it's a leap of faith I need to take.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304314#Comment_118304314

I do this with anyone I date and grow to like. I'm always asking for advice, asking what this or that means. So many times online forums tell me that 'oh that's a red flag, dump him now' and I'm so paranoid by every little behaviour that's outside my expectations. I'm starting to feel like any guy I'm dating needs to be perfect for me not to overthink things. Even then I'd probably ask if he's too perfect. What is wrong with me!

Hannibal_Smith · 11-12-2021 9:27am

Do you want to be exclusive with him? Or are you just asking him because you don't want him on Tinder? If you want to be exclusive, why are you still on Tinder?

I don't think you're ready for a relationship to be honest. Its only been a month and you're nerves are shot every time you interact with the guy. It's even coming down to you being on a dating app and being mad at him because he's on the app too.

To be fair, sometimes your gut does try to tell you something and you can't quite put your finger on it. If you're not like this with other people (always questioning motives etc), then ask yourself why you're like this with this guy. Do you want to spend months or years second guessing everything this guy does?

I don't think you should settle into any sort of commitment yet until you figure out why you're so insecure. Because being exclusive is not going to solve how you're feeling.

11-12-2021 9:33am

Judging yourself on your intentions with a positive spin vs. judging others on their actions with a negative spin. It's a recipe for failure, OP.

You only tell white lies whereas if you suspect a lie from him, it must be cheating. You don't swipe but leave yourself open to be swiped, whereas he must be on the prowl. It's all very pessimistic and will tire him out within a month.

Loafing Oaf · 11-12-2021 9:48am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304396#Comment_118304396

Are you saying that if he doesn't choose to be exclusive without me saying that he's unlikely to be a match for me?

I would have thought once a couple were having regular sex the general expectation would be that they were now exclusive. Maybe you young folks see things differently? And if he wasn't going to do that on his own bat there would be a question in my mind as to how serious he was about the relationship.

Jequ0n · 11-12-2021 9:56am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304396#Comment_118304396

I don’t think this thread is good for you because it just gives you more ammunition to overanalyse every part of your interactions.

Some people will see red flags in his behaviour, others see more in your own. What you make of it is up to you, but it’s kind of strange that you value random strangers’ opinions over your own.

11-12-2021 10:04am

Read the first page and thought OP's reaction was OTT, then thought her worrying what her date thought was an over reaction, skipped ahead to see if there had been another date since - realised both still on Tinder, although OP doing it to see what her 'boyfriend?' was doing (understandably, considering)...

And all I can think is thank goodness I've not been on a date since Tinder and the like. You seem like a nice person OP, and while the initial anxiety seemed OTT, my radar may be out of date.

If I were dating someone and they still updated Tinder it would be an instant thanks and good luck.

vithit · 11-12-2021 10:34am

This could all be resolved by just talking to him. Seriously.

It doesn't have to be a serious discussion, just a "well where do you see this going?" type thing. You don't have to gush about your feelings etc. Just straight up ask.

And if he only wants something casual, at least you'll know, even if it will hurt a lot. It would hurt a lot less than another month or 2 of this mental prison. You've put yourself in

struck1 · 11-12-2021 12:23pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304401#Comment_118304401

This is just how I always am. There always seems to be something that I pick up on. I don't go on very many dates at all and there are a tiny amount of men that I've dated that have gone beyond 3 dates. Maybe other women are more able to not let these things get to them, but from chatting to my friends they thought it was some strange behaviour with the cancelling dates, poor texting and now this with updating Tinder!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304413#Comment_118304413

I am fully in agreement with that statement! I use it all the time. I largely give guys the benefit of the doubt and put myself in their shoes. I knew he was on Tinder for a while and it never bothered me. The things that he did that I was worried about, I never did though. I think there's a big difference between being on Tinder and actively updating your Tinder profile.

And I didn't suspect him of cheating. I think that was some other poster's theory!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304448#Comment_118304448

That is what I thought as well but I think most women and men my age think differently. There seems to be a lot more rules when it comes to dating and anything goes until you sit down and talk about it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304475#Comment_118304475

It's just to get an outside perspective. I guess that's the whole point of this forum, is it not?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304495#Comment_118304495

I hate dating apps. I truly do. I guess back in the day the equivalent would be guys flirting with other women even though they are in an exclusive relationship.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304570#Comment_118304570

I'm trying to have a chat with him but it's proving very difficult! I wanted to talk face to face but he said he's not free at all this weekend and he suggested maybe meeting next week. I guess all I can do is wait!

11-12-2021 12:34pm

I haven't read the full thread, but if you are dating someone and they are too busy to meet up at the weekend 'to talk' and not give a very good reason then to my mind its game over (volunteering at a 24 hour soup kitchen for the poor might be acceptable). He's not that interested and prolonging this is going to be a waste of time.

"I guess all I can do is wait" if you do meet him next week, when he has time for you, keep an open mind... but try to bring it to a situation where you are confident of where you stand. Good luck.

JoChervil · 11-12-2021 1:16pm

I don't think any talks will solve anything at that stage. You can't make someone with words to want to meet with you more or to be exclusive with you. It must come from inside of him. He must want to be with you more and be exclusive with you. And it comes from your confidence and consequently from your behaviour.

"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."

With his cancelling last time, he showed you, that you were not his priority. On the other hand you showed your insecurities with your doubts. Yet you decided to get more intimate with him. Are you mad? Why did you reward bad treatment?

I think, if you were "less into him" yesterday (treating him more like an option), he would meet with you over weekend as well. But he senses that much worse guy would be enough for you, so why bother. He can skip the whole weekend, update he's profile even more and threatened in this way you will get even more intimate with him next time.

I know guys here will jump again because men advising women here very often want women in certain convenient for them places in real life, which might not be the best place for you.

YellowLead · 11-12-2021 1:55pm

I agree that adding new photos to his profile means he is still looking. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t to consider you, he’s just not there yet. He’s enjoyed your company but sees it as early and casual. You on the other hand have raced ahead so if it’s exclusivity or nothing for you at this point in dating (it varies person by person and there’s nothing wrong with that) then you are better of saying something so you know where you stand. It likely will be that he’s not on the same page at this point but you might as well move on if that’s what you want from him.

Loafing Oaf · 11-12-2021 2:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118305088#Comment_118305088

Well this what I'm trying to say. If this guy's ideal scenario going forward is he's having regular sex with OP but still has the option of pursuing other women, and the OP has to 'pressure' him into exclusivity, I don't think the relationship will flourish in the long run.

bottlebrush · 11-12-2021 2:18pm

It shouldn't be this much hard work at this early stage. OP - of the 8 dates you went on, who initiated them and decided where to go?

Idle Passerby · 11-12-2021 2:55pm

Seriously OP, this is causing you no end of anxiety it seems. It's not worth it. I dont think your ready for dating when it causes you so much stress.

loveall · 11-12-2021 2:55pm

I seem to be the only one here who doesn't think 8 dates in a month is a lot. Maybe because twenty years with my OH is the longest one night stand ever. If I were you I'd go dating some others. You've not had the talk and you're as free as he is. Doesn't seem to me that you'd be hurting anything. Let him be the one to want "the talk".

11-12-2021 3:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118305572#Comment_118305572

You can tell Sex and City is back on TV.

loveall · 11-12-2021 3:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118305693#Comment_118305693

How so?

11-12-2021 3:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118305703#Comment_118305703

It's just the classic "You go girl." stuff that is pretty far removed from reality. OP is tying herself up in knots over this guy and the advice to just go on other dates so he'll be the one pushing for exclusivity is probably a plot point between Carrie and Mr. Big. Women have been sabotaging each other with with this "make him jealous" advice since forever.

"Doesn't seem to me that you'd be hurting anything." is incredibly flippant after what is now nine sexless dates just because he is slow to text, cancelled a date, and changed some Tinder photos. Maybe his profile is now private like I said before. I changed photos and hid mine.

loveall · 11-12-2021 3:55pm

Where did I say any of that guff?

What it sounded like to you...you run with that....I'll hit ignore to avoid your obnoxious analogies.

OP says his problem in the downstairs department has cleared up.....shudder......

This guy isn't meeting what she's looking for so why take herself off the market when neither has stated exclusivity?

11-12-2021 4:00pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118305861#Comment_118305861

Shudder? It sounds like he's had a circumcision or something else that is just a medical thing for a while. OP doesn't appear to be worried about it at all.

With that medical episode being a pretty key part of this guy's life right now, it's not a good look for her to go on dates with other people after a month of two dates a week, and another since the cancellation. How would that look right now to him? Is he going to think "Oh yeah we didn't declare exclusivity. No matter." or is he going to think "She couldn't wait another week?"

Your advice is literally sabotage. 'Let him be the one to want "the talk".' sounds very much like "Make him jealous so he'll want you more." I can't take any other meaning from it.

loveall · 11-12-2021 4:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118305884#Comment_118305884

'Let him be the one to want "the talk".' sounds very much like "Make him jealous so he'll want you more." I can't take any other meaning from it.

And there you go again....you take whatever you want from it......did I write that? Unsurprisingly, as I'm not a game player it didn't occur to me. But you want me out of the conversation and as you say my advice is sabotage so away you go buddy.

11-12-2021 4:19pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118305925#Comment_118305925

Ok, I'll make it a bit easier then.

If someone posts in relationship issues about a cancelled date, and your advice is to date other people, you are sabotaging them. Whether or not you mean it, you are. You aren't even telling someone to break up and move on; you're just telling them to solve a problem with person A by dating person B and C.

loveall · 11-12-2021 4:33pm

I wasn't of the opinion they're a couple. They've had a few dates and a sexual encounter. She can still meet people.

JoChervil · 11-12-2021 6:02pm

Ads by Google, You are missing one point, why she should sit alone and wait for him, when he doesn't want to meet during weekend? Is it fair on his side? Are they a couple in your view? Couples meet during weekend, while he has her hanging...

Big Bag of Chips · 11-12-2021 6:15pm

I do this with anyone I date and grow to like. I'm always asking for advice, asking what this or that means. So many times online forums tell me that 'oh that's a red flag, dump him now' and I'm so paranoid by every little behaviour that's outside my expectations. I'm starting to feel like any guy I'm dating needs to be perfect for me not to overthink things. Even then I'd probably ask if he's too perfect. What is wrong with me!

I think this could be where you are going wrong. How about for once you don’t ask others what this or that means. That you just take your time to think about what you think, how you feel. Just sit with your own thoughts. Don’t think about other people’s relationships, other people’s expectations. Just think about you. What you are ok with. What you are not ok with. Don’t think about what a relationship should be, just think about what it is, right now.

In the space of a few days you have posted 3 separate issues about this fella that has you doubting the relationship. I think you really are not ready to date yet. Dating, relationships, especially the early days should be easy, fun, enjoyable, carefree. They shouldn’t be consuming your thoughts and have you analysing every move. Even your approach to texting is intense. He doesn’t need to reply immediately. You don’t need to wait for a reply to your first text before sending another suggesting a date.

I think you need to switch off from all the voices offering you varying advice and just see where it takes you. This relationship may or may not go the distance. But you tying yourself in knots, stressing and analysing and trying to follow all the different advice for avoiding “red flags” is not good, and it’s not natural, because it’s not you! It’s bits and pieces of everyone else who are not invested in the situation. Take a breath, take a break from trying to be a bit of everyone, and see what happens if you just be you, and follow your own head/heart.

JackoWackoCobh · 11-12-2021 7:52pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118306486#Comment_118306486

There are so many bad takes in this thread but this dude has hit the nail on the head i think. Texting can be a chore for some people, yet others would be happy to have their eyes peeled to the phone all day - these two groups of people will never understand each other's relationships with their phones, but that doesn't mean to say that they wouldn't make a great couple.

In my brutally honest opinion, the OP is not ready to date and her behaviour may actually negatively impact the mental health of the dude she is dating. One month is nothing as far as dating is concerned, even tho the OP and her fella went on eight dates in the space of 4 weeks. She is self-sabotaging herself by overthinking and asking for her friend's opinions where there's no need for them to be involved - too many cooks spoil the bacon and cabbage.

OP - Why are you in a rush to find someone? Why not slow things down and let nature take its course? Rushing things when dating can be a big turn off for some (probably most) men.

Last thing - your above posts about Tinder were galling. How can you be angry about catching him change his pictures on Tinder while you, yourself, were using Tinder?

struck1 · 11-12-2021 9:23pm

Can I ask everyone here honestly if they would not think twice about any of the issues I raised if it happened to you? Your date cancels a milestone date because of a mild headache wouldn't bring any thoughts into your head at all? Or the guy you're seeing who is always on his phone doesn't respond to your texts for hours? That wouldn't make you think about why? Or the guy who you've been dating for a month updates his Tinder profile. That's not normal so you try to figure out why he would do that. I'm not saying that these necessarily are bad signs, but if something is not the norm you would question it, would you not?

I find it hard to believe that if you were keen on a guy and he did something you're not used to that your brain wouldn't start ticking over. I'm not used to guys cancelling last minute and I'm not used to guys texting this way. Maybe I got lucky in all my past dating experiences but when something's different, I wonder why. Most people here say it means nothing, which is great. I have an outside view on it as opposed to me left with my own thoughts.

And if you're saying I'm not ready to date then that means I'll never date anyone because this is who I am and how I've always dated. I don't overthink things when they conform to my expectations. And I don't mean some kind of high standard of man, but I guess maybe dating etiquette?

JackoWackoCobh · 11-12-2021 9:59pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118307330#Comment_118307330

You said it was a movie night, how is that a milestone date?
How do you know that he's on his phone if you're not with him?
You only know that he updated his Tinder profile because you were on Tinder yourself.

My honest opinion - you need to speak with a professional. This whole experience seems to have taken a toll on you mentally and that could be due to something like undiagnosed anxiety or BPD.

Big Bag of Chips · 11-12-2021 10:00pm

I don't overthink things when they conform to my expectations. And I don't mean some kind of high standard of man, but I guess maybe dating etiquette?

Well then you need decide do you let this fella go because he's different to what you're used to and look for someone who is more what you are used to. There's every sort of person in the world. If you're not feeling things sitting right with this fella why prolong it? What I think is "normal" in a relationship could be completely off the wall in another person's relationship. Some people will agree with you, some people will advise you down a different path. We all advise from our own perspective/experiences.

What do you think? What do you want to do? Taking into consideration that he is very very very unlikely to become a big/immediate texter. Taking into account that sometimes things will happen and plans will change. I would say he didn't see this as a milestone date, as you seem to have. I'd say he saw this as no biggie, you weren't going out, you hadn't booked a table or made plans to be somewhere at a specific time. He was just going to call over to you - so your house, where you were going to be anyway. When the time came after a busy day he decided he wasn't up to it/in the mood/was feeling wrecked etc and decided seeing as it wasn't a "big planned night out" that cancelling wasn't that big a deal - as you were just going to be staying in at home anyway.

You even said you spoke about it this week and all's good. So I assume he didn't see it as a big deal. Did you let him know that you felt it was a milestone date?

I'm not sure this is the fella for you. There seems to be a lot you want him to do differently. Instead of upsetting yourself because he doesn't conform to your expectations, would you not just call it a day and find someone who is more on the same page as you?

vithit · 11-12-2021 10:15pm

At this point OP, I think your gut is telling you something. I'm of an anxious disposition too, but anytime I've been even half as anxious as you are here, it's been for a solid reason. Deep down I knew something was off.

And look, this is only my opinion, do take this with a full-on kilo of salt. I can just see its causing you a lot of stress and this is the time it's supposed to be "easy", you know? This isn't month or years down the line. This is just one month. It should be exciting. The good kind of exciting.

I feel for ya OP, I've been there before. I've just leaned to jump ship faster. I don't have the patience to fret when things don't feel right or easy in the early stages.

LLMMLL · 11-12-2021 10:20pm

OP you are suffering with anxiety, because you can't control this situation, and trying to soothe it by engaging others in your overanalysis, thinking if you just solicit enough opinions you will be able to understand what's going on.

It won't work.

Nothing anyone says on this thread will help you understand him or the situation.

The only advice that will be in any way beneficial is the advice on how to deal with the situation. People giving their opinion on what he's up to is just speculative fiction. You may as well just go read a novel.

osarusan · 11-12-2021 10:26pm

You seem torn between, on the one hand, acknowledging that you have a habit of over-analysing things, and it seems like, acknowledging that this is something that you need to work on.

Then, on the other hand, saying that this is how you are and that's not going to change, and if a guy doesn't conform to those expectations then that's an issue.

I would guess that a majority of posters on this thread have said that they think you are overanalysing things, and that poking at stuff until you find a problem isn't helping you. The early stages of a relationship should be relaxed and full of fun, not causing you these kinds of problems.

In my own opinion, it's mostly self-inflicted, and while it seems fine to say that you have your expectations or standards and won't change as that's just who you are, I think you should heed what a good number of posters are saying about firstly, the...for want of a better word...'normalness' of those expectations, and secondly, the rigid way you adhere to them.

Sebastian Dangerfield · 11-12-2021 11:42pm

OP, I was in a somewhat similar situation a few years back with a girl I met on a weekend in London, and dated for a while after when I was back and forth with work. It didnt bother me as much as it does you but some things stood out for sure - Id reply to her messages as soon as I saw them, whereas sometimes she might wait a day. She would occasionally cancel dates at short notice for pretty **** reasons, in some cases where I had already travelled to be there. Ultimately it went nowhere; never really got to the bottom of it, but either she wasnt as interested as I was, or we were so different it wouldnt have gone anywhere anyway.

I hope it works out for you, but based on what Ive read I think you would be better suited to someone who values the same behaviours that you do a little more (e.g. timely communication). People generally put their best foot forward at the start so if he is falling this short of your expectations now, I would expect the gap to grow even more over time.

Wombatman · 11-12-2021 11:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118307555#Comment_118307555

Yes, but no.

I think the locus of control is all wrong here. OP is focusing on the guys behavior. He's doing this, he is not doing that, etc. She can't control this stuff so it is pointless fretting about it.

If the OP shifts the focus back onto herself and she takes back control.

How much do I like this guy? What do I like about him? Do I want to go further with this? Am I prepared to put up with the the disappointments because I enjoy spending time with the guy? What are the chances this relationship will fulfill my needs want and desires?

Continue or dump? The ultimate power Either way you have to stop second guessing or you will suck all the fun of of things.

PmMeUrDogs · 12-12-2021 9:26am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118307330#Comment_118307330

Of course some of us would think twice. Spotty communication, odd cancellations, tinder pic update, of course they'd make some of us think.

But they'd make me think "D'ya know what? We're not compatible, I'm gonna cut this off."

If your gut is telling you he's not as into it as you are, what does asking for exclusivity change? You'll still have those same fears and worries the next time he cancels something or takes a while to reply.

12-12-2021 10:12am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118307330#Comment_118307330

I read this answer and the first page, so I am basing my answer on that. One of your defenders said that some people have disregard for other people’s time. I think that applies to you or anybody who expects an answer to texts within a certain time limit (including bosses at work), or that any arranged date is a “milestone” and the other party have to turn up - why was that obvious to him. That’s work, not play

i didn’t meet my wife 8 times in a month on our first month being exclusive and we knew each other pretty well beforehand. You met a stranger on an app and immediately believe his life must centre on you.

as for his profile on tinder, I’ve never used it but I assume dates aren’t exclusive until the daters agree in some form or other that they are.

12-12-2021 10:39am

He might very well be reading these posts online and be getting more and more turned off.

OP, you are coming across a bit needy. You need to do the following;

Turn off your phone, and turn off boards
Go for a walk/run
Get a coffee
Have a good talking to yourself that you are worth more than obsessing over this one guy and it is likely things will turn out well in the long run if it is meant to be
Give him some space, but keep in some form of contact.
If he feels the same, it will work out.

On the topic of him still being on tinder and updating his profile, I assume he will also see you are on tinder and think "well if she is still on it she's prob talking to a few guys, why shouldn't I be?". It works both ways, in this crazy, modern dating world.

Best of luck and enjoy your Sunday.

Big Bag of Chips · 12-12-2021 11:23am

You met a stranger on an app and immediately believe his life must centre on you

This is a very valid point that most people would do well to realise. You met him for the first time a month ago. Before that he had a life, friends, work, family, a social life, "stuff" that he does. In a month he's met with you 8 times, obviously prioritisng that time with you over all that other "stuff" that he has in his life, which didn't stop being a feature after your first date. You said yourself he has a very busy life. In a month of meeting very regularly he has had to rearrange twice. Just because your life isn't as full as his, just because you have time to sit and text him and wait for an immediate reply doesn't mean he has to conform to your expectations. If he is a social person with a full life, then he will always be that person. And if you want to continue seeing him you are going to have to accept that about him. For example, if he's part of a football team - he will always have a night every week where he goes to training. Regardless of whether you would like to go out for a meal that night for your anniversary, for example. If he has family commitments since before he knew you, he will continue to honour those family commitments while still maintaining a relationship with you.

You've known each other a month. It would be crazy if he altered his life dramatically to prioritise you. At this stage you should both be fitting into each other's existing life and seeing how things progress. You shouldn't be the focus of each other's life, and it seems like that's where you want this to be headed.

On the texting thing, as it seems to come up here very often. I am an "ok" texter. I might reply immediately (if I'm in a position to) or it could be hours, even the next day before I get back to someone. That is not rude. It's me having a full life and needing to balance everything/everyone. If someone got pissy at me because I didn't reply immediately, (yes sometimes I will open WhatsApp to check someone else's message but not read another unopened message, so I will have shown as online but your message will still be marked as unread) then I would see THAT as rude. Technology and instant communication has made people very selfish. People now have an expectation of instant results. Life doesn't always work like that. I remember an old boss of mine from years ago, pre instant messaging days! telling me how he didn't always answer his house phone (remember those!) when it rang. He said too many people feel that it is a summomning bell that they have to jump to. He said if he's etaing his dinner, or simply just enjoying something on telly then he won't answer the phone. If it's important (and realistically calls are rarely life or death urgency) then the person will call back. If it's not urgent they'll call back at some stage too. I remember thinking how weird it was - In our house when the phone rang someone ran immediately to answer it! It was kind of a light bulb moment for me!

It's something to consider, OP. You don't have to be instantly available. You don't have to always reply immediately. If it doesn't suit you at that moment, for whatever reason, it's ok to leave it until a time that is more convenient for you. Similarly people don't have to be immediately available to you either. Whether that's friends, family or a new fella on the scene. I'm assuming your messages are just chit-chat, not time critical for a reply. If you need an instant reply a phonecall is better. If you're just checking in, letting him know something you heard on the news etc then an instant reply isn't necessary.

But - after all that I think you are who you are, and that's perfectly fine. You will find loads of people have the same expectations as you. So in that case you'd probably do yourself a massive favour by waiting until you find someone whose expectations align with yours. Constantly second guessing, and stressing and seeking advice on this, that and the other will not do your own mental health any good. And I'm sure you are not telling him the extent of how you are really feeling too for fear of scaring him off. So that's another reason this relationship is unlikely to go the distance. I think you either need to fundmentally change the person you are, because you can't rely on him changing to suit you, or you admit this isn't working, through no fault of one particular person, and you call it a day.

There seems to be an awful lot left unsaid here, and an awful lot of assuming on both your parts. He can see you're still on Tinder. He doesn't know you're not active no it. He doesn't know you're not swiping. He just knows you're still logging in, and why would anyone continue to log in if they weren't going to use it? You had the "milestone date" worked up to a big deal in your head, but I'd say he didn't see it the same way. Unless you verbalise things you can't assume someone else knows what's going on or what we're thinking. I think this is always going to be an uphill struggle for you with this particular fella. He's not wrong. Neither are you. You're just not right for each other.

struck1 · 12-12-2021 12:00pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118308313#Comment_118308313

I understand where you're coming from. I do think he's into me whenever I'm around him and in a lot of what he says in his messages. It's this behaviour that I'm not used to that causes me to second guess things and probably needlessly so.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118308418#Comment_118308418

I don't believe his life must centre around me at all. But I think I do have some expectations when it comes to dating that he doesn't conform to. It doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing, but I just need to get used to it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118308643#Comment_118308643

I've read through your post and really appreciate the time you've taken to write it. All I will say is that if this guy isn't right for me then no guy is right for me. What I mean by that is this is the way I always am when dating. I pick out some peculiarity and keep digging and digging, trying to understand why he did something in a way I wouldn't have. What does this behaviour mean etc. I find it difficult to differentiate between a red flag and just a character trait that means nothing.

I will always second guess things unless I change my own thought process. A friend recommended mindfulness to me and I might give it a try. I never really believed in any of these relaxation and spiritual things, but she has said it has done wonders for her mind, understanding why she's feeling the way she feels at that moment in time.

I've also done some soul searching last night, trying to put things in context. What I've realised is:

I will never know why he cancelled our dates. He could have been legitimately sick or he could have been on another date. Why worry about something you have no control over.
He has always been a bad texter. Nothing has changed since we first started to message each other, even when he was at his keenest. This is just who he is.
He is still single and free to date whoever he wants. He may not be at the point where he's willing to commit to one person yet. People don't necessarily move at the same pace when dating. I have to accept that or else move on.
He must enjoy spending time with me because we've been on 1-2 dates every week since we met and always tells me how great a time he had afterwards.
He has a busy social life and of course his friends and family take priority over me. If he doesn't want to meet me some weekends it could just mean he has too much going on and needs some relaxation time without people (i.e. me) around. As long as he's still initiating dates and we're meeting 1-2 times a week, why should it bother me?

I've also decided to delete all my dating apps because I feel like I'm just using them to check in on him which is not healthy. I'm happy to be dating only one person and have no intention of looking to date another man right now so why keep it installed.

Even typing all of the above out has helped me gather my thoughts. I need to be rational in my thinking and try to see it from an outside perspective of someone who doesn't behave exactly like I do, and there are a lot of those people around!

JoChervil · 12-12-2021 12:49pm

If I were you, I would add one point:

I will "couple" with him only, if I am treated as a part of a couple. Meaning: Saturday nights are couples' time. If guy doesn't want to meet on Saturday nights with me at least 80% of them, it means, he is not prioritising me enough to be intimate with him.

Also I would agree with him, that getting fully intimate with him for you means, you are both exclusive. So if he is not ready for it yet, so you trust he would restrain from it and wait with it till he is ready. (You don't need to use your health as an excuse for exclusivity, you yourself are worth enough to be treated with respect, no other excuses needed).

Don't sell yourself cheap, if you are not his priority on Saturday nights. Just stay mid-week pals.

Without this point, you are setting yourself up to be a "back burner" for him, enjoying his "first fiddles" on Saturday nights. But it is me and my maybe high standards. But you can't command respect, if you don't respect yourself first.

And, if you come to a conclusion, that you are not compatible, you will leave the whole situation much less hurt.

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 1:05pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118308910#Comment_118308910

Sounds to me like he’s in a relationship and keeping you as a back up plan.

No man who is dating a woman he “really likes spending time with” is too busy on every Friday / Saturday night unless they already have a GF. Those nights are prime nights. He’s spending them with someone and it’s not you. He’s full of sh*t.

Big Bag of Chips · 12-12-2021 1:23pm

I don't overthink things when they conform to my expectations.

Have you ever dated someone like this? Because you then say this..

All I will say is that if this guy isn't right for me then no guy is right for me. What I mean by that is this is the way I always am when dating. I pick out some peculiarity and keep digging and digging, trying to understand why he did something in a way I wouldn't have

A relationship should make you feel good. It should be something you enjoy. Maybe you are not ready to date. Yet. It doesn't mean you will never be ready. But I think you need take time to find out who you are, and what you are looking for. That way, you will not waste time on people who aren't what you are looking for. You will in general be less anxious.

12-12-2021 1:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118308910#Comment_118308910

If that 80% includes doing stuff together with other people, like your friends or his friends etc., then kind of manageable for the right guy and right friends, but if it's dates together, that's an awful lot. That's 42 Saturdays with you and 10 with everyone else in his life.

What about if you live together? Is Saturday night still as important or would ye be ok with each having separate social lives like every second weekend say?

JoChervil · 12-12-2021 1:36pm

If you spend Saturday nights together alone or with other people, you will still have your Saturday exclusive night together.

JoChervil · 12-12-2021 1:49pm

And you can have girls/guys night on Fridays, family time on Sundays, so there is really plenty of time to accommodate everyone.

That's why guy doesn't have to reorganise his life especially for you, if he already has Saturday nights reserved for the closest person (with or without friends).

SunnySundays · 12-12-2021 1:54pm

You seem far too over invested in a guy you are seeking for a month, regardless of the situation.

You didn't even know him 4 weeks ago. You need to relax and chill out. It's far too early to even know if this has long term potential.

You've been on 8 dates in a month and no sex, on that basis I would be thinking he is interested. Most would be gone by now, give him the benefit of the doubt or don't if it's driving you insane with the over analysis.

Either way this isn't healthy so relax and take it handy or stop seeing him if you aren't happy.

Jequ0n · 12-12-2021 3:06pm

@JoChervil

I think it’s great that the OP has taken the time to reflect, and decided on some steps to avoid causes that could lead to over analysis.

Just because Saturday nights are important to you does not mean they have the same value for others.

Suggesting priority treatment aka Saturday night dates with no consideration for his life and situation is somehow sabotaging the OP. It’s like adding a new layer of control which the OP just decided to forfeit for her own peace of mind.

JoChervil · 12-12-2021 3:35pm

Yeah, keep confusing people...

Staying mid-week Pal could help her to figure out, what relationship is possible and if it is for her.

Username here · 12-12-2021 3:44pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118297019#Comment_118297019

I wouldn't consider saying I was on a date a while ago instead of a day ago to be the end of the world!

Really? Not even at a time when it can be reasonably expected that people would at least be open to fostering trust between each other? You'd rather build a relationship on lies, than simply say "I had a date with someone else last night"? Would you still consider it harmless or trivial, if your date from the previous night happened to be in the same pub (or wherever) as you, and came over and made it obvious that you and he had been on a date the previous night? Ireland - assuming that's where you are - is a very small country, you know.

You have a strange attitude to honesty, in my opinion. I think, rather than me being too focused on this point, this is specifically the type of focus you need, and seem to be hiding from.

Username here · 12-12-2021 4:42pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304899#Comment_118304899

This is just how I always am. There always seems to be something that I pick up on. I don't go on very many dates at all and there are a tiny amount of men that I've dated that have gone beyond 3 dates. Maybe other women are more able to not let these things get to them, but from chatting to my friends they thought it was some strange behaviour with the cancelling dates, poor texting and now this with updating Tinder!

Maybe your friends just find it easier to agree with you as, in your own words, there's always something that you pick up on. "I hear "Mary" is seeing someone.... I wonder what she'll find wrong with this one?" It can become tiresome, being part of a support network for someone who always finds something to pick at in their relationships, particularly if you disregard / ignore advice they give you the way you have in this thread.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118307330#Comment_118307330

And if you're saying I'm not ready to date then that means I'll never date anyone because this is who I am and how I've always dated.

But look where that has gotten you - tied up in knots on the internet, trying to understand the motivations of a (practical) stranger.

I don't overthink things when they conform to my expectations.

Has that happened often / ever? (No need to answer that publicly, just let it sit with you). If it hasn't, you need to ask yourself "why?". If it has, then move on from this guy, and look for someone whose actions meet your expectations.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118308753#Comment_118308753

There are some chinks of light in this post :)

I will always second guess things unless I change my own thought process. A friend recommended mindfulness to me and I might give it a try. I never really believed in any of these relaxation and spiritual things, but she has said it has done wonders for her mind, understanding why she's feeling the way she feels at that moment in time.

Mindfulness doesn't mean spirituality, or anything else that you need to "believe" in; look at it simply as a way of getting to know yourself, and your thought processes, better. Know yourself. Understand yourself; that can be easier said than done, I know.

There has been lots of good advice - along with a sprinkling of bad - on this thread, which I think can more or less be condensed into:

Understand yourself
Know your needs
Be able to say "this isn't working out for me", if your needs aren't being met, and move along
Don't become overly invested in strangers

I think that if you incorporate the above into your life, you'll find yourself in a much more content place - with or without Mr WasHeReallySick. Good luck OP.

He cancelled our date last minute

Comments