My BF doesn’t want to have sex with me

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 1:08am #1

Hi everyone.

My BF and I are together 10m. Basically, we have no sex life. We both live at home as we can’t afford to rent like many other people. During our relationship, it’s been me who has sought out privacy and booked places. He doesn’t put in the same effort. He just goes with the flow. During sex, he always without fail, orgasms….but I don’t. I do enjoy the sex and being with him but end up lying awake afterwards craving more. I do different positions, i perform oral sex on him…Problem is, I have tried to talk to him about MY pleasure but he’s not interested and shrugged his shoulders when I said I was finding it hard to orgasm with him. He just doesn’t make me feel desired or wanted and recently, I found he had been all over other womens instagrams liking their sexy pics. If I was to judge by these girls pics, I am not his type at all. It devastated me as my mind is in overdrive thinking he’s not sexually attracted to me. Surely he’s fully aware we don’t have sex that often and he’s online browsing instead of putting effort into us like I do.

In the last month, it has really upset me and affected my self confidence. Stupid question but can this be fixed ?

locohobo · 12-12-2021 1:22am

Yes!!...Can be fixed....Just find yourself a b/f thats not into self fulfillment....find one that will go out of his way to satiate and fulfill you're desires even before his own...There are plenty of them out there.....Go hunting!!.....Double posted eh!!can I delete the second post????

YellowLead · 12-12-2021 2:00am

I’m sorry but he sounds selfish and there is incompatibility there. Not sure why on earth you would continue such a relationship! What else does he offer?How is everything else? How things are in the bedroom is usually very indicative!

MrFrisp · 12-12-2021 2:52am

As the other posters above point out, get out now.

Doesn't sound like a relationship, seems more of a friends with benefits. And he's the one with the benefits.

Don't continue with this anymore.

He's not satisfying you. And, way more importantly, he's not interested in doing so.

You come across as a sincere caring woman.. Go out and find someone who will appreciate you.

You deserve so much more. Life is way to short to continue with this.

.

Caranica · 12-12-2021 3:43am

I've had one night stands where the other person was more interested in my pleasure than your "boyfriend" appears to be. You deserve more. Value yourself and move on.

the_syco · 12-12-2021 4:27am

During our relationship, it’s been me who has sought out privacy and booked places. He doesn’t put in the same effort. He just goes with the flow. During sex, he always without fail, orgasms….but I don’t. I do enjoy the sex and being with him but end up lying awake afterwards craving more.

He just doesn’t make me feel desired or wanted and recently, I found he had been all over other womens instagrams liking their sexy pics.

Time to dump him and get someone who'll want to be with you.

Zak Flaps · 12-12-2021 4:35am

Plain and simple....dump him. It's strange that you're still with him. He sounds like a total prick.

Loveinapril · 12-12-2021 6:50am

It sounds like he does want to have sex with you, he just wants you to put in the effort. The fact that he is ignoring your pleasure and dismissing your feedback should be an indicator of how little he cares about your needs.

TheadoreT · 12-12-2021 8:50am

This is an all too familiar pattern here. Why is it that when someone unfulfills your relationship in every possible way, the conclusion you reach is you're not good enough for him instead of him not being good enough for you. When neediness and insecurity goes beyond basic respect for yourself you need to take a step back and work on yourself, if you can't love yourself it will be hard for anyone else worthwhile to.

notAMember · 12-12-2021 9:03am

I think his shrug and not caring when you bring it up means unfortunately it can’t be fixed.

Ask yourself, what kind of person is happy with being awful in the sack? It’s selfishness, and it will manifest in all sorts of other ways in a longer term relationship.

12-12-2021 11:44am

I would say perhaps there is an issue with porn/masturbating but if he is a quick finisher, then he probably is just a bit of a low energy guy.

I would give it another shot, take him to a relaxed setting (somewhere he feels comfortable), and lay it on him. Tell him, he can say whatever he wants honestly, and ask outright if there is anything that is affecting his desire for sex (including if he finds you attractive).

It may simply be the case he is a low energy guy. If it is this bad now, imagine what it will be like in 10 years, then consider your options.

Enjoy your Sunday, things will get better in your dating scene I am certain.

Wombatman · 12-12-2021 2:21pm

OP, I see you are offering advice in other threads trying to help out. If you objectively read the first post in this thread what would your advice be?

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 2:23pm

I have no idea what his issue is ! All I know is I feel lonely and there’s an elephant in the room. It’s like a punch in the gut when he’s liking pics online yet won’t make a fuss of me, surprise me, turn on the charm with me, please me.

I put my all into everything and the bedroom and nothing!

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 2:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309104#Comment_118309104

Things will never change. I feel hopeless but trying to fix it.

But… I want them to. It’s harder when you’re “in it”.

jj880 · 12-12-2021 2:34pm

Just a suggestion on top of what others have said. Maybe tackle it up front before you get together the next time. Tell him you want foreplay and plenty of it. Get some lube involved. Maybe even a small vibrator for you. Tease him and make him wait until you are basically ready to orgasm before the sex starts. I would hope once he sees how much pleasure you get when he listens to you it will change his whole attitude.

If that doesn't work then I have to agree with other posters. Move on.

TheadoreT · 12-12-2021 2:50pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309118#Comment_118309118

Why would he do more if his lack of effort is making you go above and beyond? From a selfish point of view he's getting more out of this because he's being rubbish.

SunnySundays · 12-12-2021 3:00pm

Why are you with him?

What's in this for you?

If a man isn't interested in your sex pleasure, find one who is. There are plenty others who can satisfy a woman and want to.

The fact he just shrugged his shoulders when you raised it says it all. Someone who gives a **** would ask what you enjoy, what works best for you, what they can do differently, increase their effort. In fact, most would be disappointed they couldn't make you orgasm and would see it as a challenge and try everything to make it happen.

He's a lazy **** and a selfish lover. You would be better off with a vibrator.

The One Doctor · 12-12-2021 3:03pm

Speaking as a man, men can sometimes not know how to make a woman have an orgasm - a lot of women don't orgasm by penetrative sex alone, but guys aren't aware of this, and sometimes they're watching too much porn for their own good.

It's down to you to shown him how you orgasm - guessing isn't going to solve it.

Tell him, show him, and if he doesn't get it, move on.

Hannibal_Smith · 12-12-2021 3:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309118#Comment_118309118

You've spoken to him and he's shrugged you off. He's not going to fix the situation, so you have to decide whether you're willing to continue as things are because he's made it clear he's not interested in changing things. If you feel like you're getting nothing from the relationship, well then why would you want to continue with it?

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 3:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309384#Comment_118309384

Hey doc, I have told him I need clitoral stimulation and I usually pleasure myself next to him. He doesn’t want to get in on it. I usually end up pushing his hand down there or asking him. Hell do what I ask but only for a short time. He lacks initiative or enthusiasm. Yet he has the initiative to log online and creep.

I will go down on him before sex, without being asked as I know he enjoys it. I ask him what’s ok and what’s not and “do you like that” etc….He never checks in with me. He waits until I instruct. I am not that experienced, just enthusiastic and present in my relationship.

Confused11811 · 12-12-2021 3:19pm

After 10 months I wouldn't be interested in having sex with my partner if she insisted on using condoms. They can be very uncomfortable, especially if your penis girth is is larger than average. The entire process of putting them on can ruin the passion of the moment. While he may get his end away he may not be able to get you away because of the unnatural feel and restrictions to blood flow which can cause the penis to become flaccid. Many men can maintain an erection after ejaculating but find it impossible to do so while wearing a condom. If in a committed relationship there are other forms of contraception that are less intrusive to sexual passion, maybe it's something you can consider.

Him liking other women's pictures is a non issues IMHO. My partner likes several attractive people Instagrams and Facebook. Nothing wrong with looking and appreciating a good looking person. I'm confident enough in myself to pay no attention to that type of stuff, I appreciate others could get upset but I don't. Maybe that confidence is a thing that comes with age I don't know. Having conversations and sexual chats would be another matter.

Him not being a leader in the bedroom is okay, but then you'll have to be. If you need more attention and foreplay to get you there then just demand it. You can bring the stimulation toys to the situation and you can insist on them being used and your satisfaction before he gets his.

It could be your both not compatible or not confident enough to say what you like and need. You can either chat about it like adults and do something about it or move on. Life's too short for a relationship with crap sex, if you can't get things to work for you in a way you're happy with just find someone else who does it for you and it comes with ease.

jasonb · 12-12-2021 3:19pm

Sorry to hear you're going through this @redlipgloss . Not to be flippant or make assumptions, but if you

"usually pleasure myself next to him. He doesn't want to get in on it"

then you most definitely deserve more. If he was in any way interested in your pleasure and meeting your needs, he would be, how do I put this, all over that! I know sex is only one part of a relationship (and you haven't really discussed how things are outside of sex) but it's a pretty indicative part of a relationship, and you deserve someone who cares for you and your needs, and wants you to be happy.

JoChervil · 12-12-2021 3:21pm

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 3:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309465#Comment_118309465

Well, I lie there pleasuring myself and hope he will take over from my hand but I’ve him sorted so shop is closed for the night and I lie there. To me, we were only getting started.

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 3:30pm

I buy sexy matching lingerie, I bring enthusiasm and I am passionate. I am clean, have pride in my appearance and carry myself well. I just don’t get it.

Yeah the liking on Instagram is a problem for me. Usually I wouldn’t care but since there’s this elephant in the room, and I feel rejected by him sexually, it hurts more.

Confused11811 · 12-12-2021 3:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309566#Comment_118309566

Then move on. You'd probably find you wouldn't give a fiddler's about the Instagram thing if you felt happy in the bedroom department.

You seem like most guys dream girl if I'm honest, open to being playful and whatever.

There's someone out there for you. Don't waste your time if you're not happy. I mentioned the condom thing because I was in a relationship where the sex was unbelievable, unfortunately for medical reasons she had to stop taking the pill and we moved to condoms, the sex went from great to crap for both of us, we spoke about it and she then switched to the coil and all was unbelievable again.

After 10 months you should both be able to chat about what does it for each other , the conversation shouldn't be one way. If it is then he's lacking in maturity or respect for you. Move on.

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 4:05pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309842#Comment_118309842

We used condoms and the OCP since the start. Due to side effects, I came off the OCP altogether and we’ve been using just them. [edited]

Confused11811 · 12-12-2021 4:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309909#Comment_118309909

It could be he doesn't like condoms, there are many reasons not to like them they can affect performance which is rarely talked about. I don't like them as I find they numb the sensations and feedback I get from my partner during sex.

But if that's the case and he doesn't like them he should be able to talk with you like an adult and you find a solution that works for you both and not just say he "forgot" them.

I think you know what you need to do. Best of luck

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 4:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310016#Comment_118310016

Yeah well, if he spoke adult to me, we could look at our contraception options. But his forgetful act has me thinking he’s using his supply with someone else. Sounds crazy, but what else am I meant to think!

Jequ0n · 12-12-2021 4:26pm

Well he’s obviously not interested in you or your sexual gratification, but you know that yourself already.

What are you going to do about it though?

You’ll feel worse the longer you accept being treated like this.

Caranica · 12-12-2021 4:31pm

OP you've given a lot of detail but nowhere have you mentioned what your are getting out of the relationship. That he's loving or attentive in any way, that you have great chemistry, that you love spending time together. There's no hint of an actual relationship other than pretty crap sex.

Please read your posts as if someone else had written them. I really don't know how the advice could be anything other than move on.

Confused11811 · 12-12-2021 4:33pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310028#Comment_118310028

The situation has had a negative affect on you.

Do what you need to do to make yourself happy. Make yourself happy. It seems he's not going to in any department :-)

Just a final word from me. I found the only relationships that worked for me where the ones where from the start we couldn't keep our hands off each other and would do anything to be with each other. If its not there at the start it's not going to get any better.

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 4:39pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310069#Comment_118310069

Hey Caranica,

well that’s the thing, we do have great chemistry and he is attentive. But when it comes to the bedroom, he is only concerned about himself. That is, when we do get privacy to do it.

@Confused11811

That’s the confusing part - we could never keep our hands off eachother and we are the same now, we kiss and caress and very affectionate but when it comes to the SEX/ D Day , he can be selfish and forget me in the process.

Then you throw the liking pics online in the mix and it’s a complete mystery

Hannibal_Smith · 12-12-2021 4:54pm

Clearly he's not very attentive and he hasn't improved in 10 months of you trying to address the issue both directly and indirectly. I'm really not sure what advice you're looking for?

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 4:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310219#Comment_118310219

I suppose I’d love to hear that this can happen or things can get better from someone’s previous experience. If there was no chemistry or affection, I’d be gone.

But there is outside the bedroom so that confuses me.

Hannibal_Smith · 12-12-2021 5:05pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310231#Comment_118310231

It can only improve if the two of you want it to and one of you doesn't want it to. You've discussed it directly, dropped all kinds of hints and suggestions and he's, as you put it, shrugged it off.

Caranica · 12-12-2021 5:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310231#Comment_118310231

Sexual incompatibility is rarely something that can be fixed. I thought I could cope with that in a relationship that was otherwise perfect. I couldn't, and shouldn't have even tried. Years of my life wasted. It's why I'm so vehement in my advice to you.

YellowLead · 12-12-2021 5:26pm

OP I think the only thing to do here is to talk him about it - as in say to him that sexual pleasure is important to you and you are not getting enough from him in that respect. Tell him that you will need to seriously consider if the relationship is for you if things continue as is. If he is really into you, he will pull his socks up and get more involved in your pleasure, if he refuses then he’s not that into you and you need to move on.

everybody is different but in my experience most men love watching women touch themselves and find it a turn on and they are happy to get involved. Could it be that he sees you as more of a friend and you are there to listen to his problems and hold him but he’s not very attracted? Or maybe he is but he’s just selfish/lazy sexually? Maybe previous girlfriends were happy to let him away with being selfish in bed and this is new for him?

A serious talk about what his lack of attention in bed means is the only way you’ll get answers. You’ve already shown him what he needs to do, now you need to call him up on it.

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 5:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310364#Comment_118310364

Yeah I hear you.

It’s soul destroying.

I never wanted to waste my prime years on someone who has no interest in adding to or enhancing my happiness and taking my most fertile years too (I don’t want a baby right now but you know what I mean) with no intention only to pass time at my expense.

If he loved me, he would care.

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 5:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310400#Comment_118310400

He doesn’t seem to seek out privacy. It’s all left to me, who makes it happen so it looks like I’m the only one initiating our sexual relationship.

Selenophile · 12-12-2021 5:35pm

Condoms are not the problem. If they were, he would say so. I've been happily using them for decades now and I some of us are grateful for their existence. :) I'm saying this to bring back focus from them to the real problem.

OP, as Confused said: "You seem like most guys dream girl if I'm honest, open to being playful and whatever." I absolutely agree. Honestly, you deserve much better, and there are many good men out there. I'm a man, and I had experiences with girls that were just like your BF. The more time you spend with him, the more of your own enthusiasm will vanish, not only with him but in general. It will be better for you to be alone even, than with such a person.

12-12-2021 5:36pm

Guys in general don’t know their way around women very well, we are better at knowing around way around them. A lot of this is plain biology an we have more a more complex distribution of nerves in our recesses and projections. Men actually have immense extra sensation too in the prostate area but a lot of guys don’t like that touched as it can be unpleasant as well as sensational so a lot of heterosexual relationships don’t explore that route.

Women were designed by nature to get pregnant usually by producing one egg, to be fertilised by meeting any one of thousands of spermicide from one or more men. We are designed to have more prolonged sexual pleasure to keep motivated enough to get pregnant and keep the species going. So it may be a slow build up over hours to orgasm, it may be repeat orgasms, versus the usual male pattern of fairly quickly build up and release then not ready maybe for hours again or even an entire day again. And if there are any health issues, there may be a temporary inability to release at all. The female is designed to keep on the boil a hell of a lot longer than the male just to ensure that precious single egg is more sure to get fertilised.

If it can be understood like this, it all makes complete biological sense. But in relationships we are human and we have to negotiate ways of making it work for both parties. He certainly needs to know that if he is retain you he has to make every effort to meet your needs at least half way. I think in times gone by, most women “put up” with unmet sexual needs, but quite rightly we no longer do and shouldn’t.

TheadoreT · 12-12-2021 5:39pm

Is talking about these sort of things actually worthwhile in this scenario? I highly doubt this is a lack of knowledge issue. It's an effort issue and potentially a more sinister mind game issue.

Teaching a willing partner about acts you enjoy is definitely worthwhile, that's a healthy couples exercise. Trying to convince a non willing partner into some duty bound sexual acts is just grim. They should want to please their partner. You're flogging a dead horse and to put it bluntly the only issue is you're too insecure to move on.

12-12-2021 7:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309384#Comment_118309384

Perhaps, but Christ they watch enough of the stuff online. She has to sort this out now, as it won't end well if she has this issue in a few years down the road. If he is a monk now, what will be be like in 10 years? BVM territory I would think.

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 8:47pm

I find it hard to talk to him in depth about sex. He won’t engage me, only a sentence here and there but nothing else. I haven’t been able to put my finger on it or how I’d like to phrase how I’m feeling but it feels like he treats having sex with me as a box he has to tick when we stay together. Like a chore that’s part of the relationship. Last week I was away in another city for work and I was thinking how nothing has really changed in my life - as in, I’m as lonely now as I was when I was single which makes me so sad because I think the absolute world of him. As affectionate as he comes across, it’s only superficial as I still feel I’m kept at arms length.

YellowLead · 12-12-2021 8:52pm

Then you know what to do

ted1 · 12-12-2021 9:06pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309463#Comment_118309463

if the condom is to tight. Get a bigger size, one size does not fit all..

Wombatman · 12-12-2021 10:51pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311612#Comment_118311612

I'm picking up on something here that makes this really difficult.

The thread title says it...... "My BF doesn’t want to have sex with me". I think you suspect this guy does want to have sex, but not with you. The Instagram stuff backs this up. I'm guessing it has dawned on you that this guy could be like a three balled Tom cat around a woman he is sexually attracted to, but that he is not turned on by you.

In your mind this might trigger feeling of inadequacy and kinda push the problem back on to you psychologically. Does part of you wonder "Am I not good enough for this guy?" or "Is he not turned on by me because there is something wrong with me?".

On reading the OP I would image most people would see it as and easy "dump the swine and move on" call. But I suspect that in doing that you are subconsciously confirming that you weren't attractive enough. Really tough situation.

I could be totally off of course. Forgive me if so. FWIW you come across as a nice person and I see no reason why you should doubt yourself.

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 11:00pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118312287#Comment_118312287

This is 100% how I feel. As if this reflects on me and my attraction. He wants to be in our relationship, reassures me “blah blah” “I want you” but at the end of the day, he’s not bringing me home and f*cking my brains out or even trying! It’s all left to me to sort out!

I felt great about myself, really attractive and confident at the start of the relationship but in the last few months his behaviour and obvious confidence issues have rubbed off me and eroded my sexual confidence slowly over the last few months and seeing what he likes online recently tipped me over entirely.

I’m a bit lost as to what your suggesting I do ? Are you suggesting it’s in my head and I’m feeling insecure and letting it get to me and that I shouldn’t? or are you agreeing that I have a legit and valid reason to be pissed off and insecure and to move on?

Do other people in successful relationships experience these difficulties and one day they just get over it?

YellowLead · 12-12-2021 11:06pm

OP I’m not sure how you could get over somebody not wanting to have sex with you. I imagine every ones advice is to move on if he won’t try.

manonboard · 12-12-2021 11:07pm

OP, you already have 10 months of experience that this person is never going to fulfil you sexually. Save yourself the difficult self damaging experiences by remaining, just do what you are going to have to do anyways, and leave.

Good sex takes communication, effort, experience, openness, honesty, flexibility, interest, creativity, fun, humor etc, a million qualities.

None of these arise if the person isnt willing to engage. God i would feel like absolutely like an idiot if i find myself trying to convince my partner to improve our sex life rather than them being aware enough to listen when i tell them ITS NOT MEETING MY NEEDS.

That would be a massive red flag to any decent partner than something needs to change, and they would gladly, with great enthusiasm, and quickly set about changing things to meet your needs. Its sex! like what kinda selfish a-hole doesn't want to see their partner have great fun and pleasure, to feel satisfied and be the person responsible for it. To know their partner fantasies about them during the day thinking about the sexual satisfaction they will get next session.

Listen though, regardless of anything else. Bad sex leads to bad relationships. You end up feeling unattractive, then problematic, then undeserving. Why? Because you are a human being who has entered into a relationship with a person with the agreement that you will meet each others sexual needs as a priority, and usually exclusively. So now you are in a relationship where you meet his, but he doesnt meet yours? jesus, can you think of any other transaction where you wouldnt tell the other person to feck off immediately?

The only lesson that you end up teaching yourself by enduring bad dynamics like that is that you are not worth it. You re-enforce that behavior every day that for some reason, you dont deserve the best, or even acceptable treatment. so eventually you just start losing self esteem. Leave.

I doubt its the only problem, because the mindset to not try to help your partner meet their needs in something so easy and fun, is never exclusive to the bedroom.

You approached your partner multiple times to tell them a crucial need was not being met. You have your answer. Respect yourself and believe you can meet and create relationships with people that try as hard as you do, and that you get all of these very basic needs met easily.

ps: You can check my post history and see that i rarely suggest someone leave. I think its way too fast most of them for posters to suggest it. Here it is a pretty obvious mismatch to me.

My BF doesn’t want to have sex with me

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