I always assume men I'm interested in don't like me back

fevertrees · 15-12-2021 11:11pm #1

I think it's a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.

I'm not an ugly woman- not gorgeous, but the type of woman who would be approached a few times every night out. Have even had lads ask for my number at work or even in the line for coffee or something. So on that front I'm OK...you wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with me. So I'm not sure why exactly I think I'm so undesirable and that men are dying to drop me the second they have my interest

I come off fun and upbeat. That's my default setting. And you wouldn't know it from this dreary post, but I'm quite funny and lads seem to lap it up. I can give as good as I can get and I'm relatively bright. But once I start liking someone, I get in my own head. I actively search for signs they don't want me. The silliest things like "oh he left me on read" (like once in 4 weeks of talking). Or "he hasn't asked for a second date" (and it's the next day). And I'd wager 80% of the time I freak out, it's over nothing. Christ, Ive done this with every lad, my ex of a few years at the start and even a friend I dated briefly who still has feelings for me months after splitting.

I do hide the fear but I become aloof. It's like I'm so scared of rejection I'll reject them first at the very first sign of (perceived) trouble. It sounds so silly and it is. I'm just waiting for the ball to drop and in doing so, I probably cause the demise. I'll show little if any interest in fear of rejection- no wonder most men bail. I think it's a self fulfilling prophecy. That friend I mentioned earlier, who I dated for all of 6 weeks, said I was "a bit of a headwreck" and should knock it off for future men. How do I stop being like this? It's bad.

YellowLead · 16-12-2021 9:00am

Usually people who engage in this kind of behaviour are people who want to be in a relationship really badly. They don’t take dating casually as a result, every date and interaction is a big deal and the fear of rejection is massive. The only way you’ll get to a place where you stop the self sabotage is when you don’t take everything so seriously and just be happy in your own life as a single person.

The thing with dating is thanks to online dating people have so much (or think they do) choice and they go from person to person, dip in and out, you can’t take any of it personally. It’s no reflection on how attractive you are.

As you get older it’s harder to find people to click with - they may find you good looking or funny but the spark just isn’t there. It doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough, it just didn’t happen.

fevertrees · 16-12-2021 9:27am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118329502#Comment_118329502

Yeah that's me. You've actually nailed it, thank you.

It's ironic because I want a relationship but I act in ways that stop that from happening (freaking out over nothing and pulling way/acting aloof and just not being myself)

YellowLead · 16-12-2021 10:35am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118329610#Comment_118329610

I used to be that way. Realising so many other people are in the same boat and find it all frustrating really helped me realise there was nothing wrong with me, and what will be will be etc. Things got much easier once I relaxed my attitude and didn’t let myself get too into somebody too soon (and therefore fret if I thought they would reject me). Easier said than done I know.

Segotias · 16-12-2021 12:57pm

I wonder if the self sabotaging is as a result of a previous experience. You sound quite confident in how you look and the kind of person you are.

Are you afraid if you let someone in they hurt you like someone else did?

The reason I say this is because this is what I do, men from my past only looked for a hook up so thats all the future ones would want so why bother. Or blokes have only approached me to get near my friends so why entertain them to do the same. My friends of course say this isn't the case that these men would comment that I didn't look like I wanted to be talked too based on my face....of course to me this is just a line to talk to them..any kind of ice breaker.

As you've said you do want a relationship, I suppose try to take a more casual approach in your attitude, take it as it happens and see from there.

JoChervil · 16-12-2021 1:38pm

Have you experience an emotional loss in your childhood? If so, it will be more difficult to get over it, but you can try to get to the bottom of it with a counsellor. I think it would be the fastest way, if it is a reason of course.

fevertrees · 16-12-2021 2:27pm

Thanks guys

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118330894#Comment_118330894

Honestly no. I haven't lost anyone very close to me and come from a happy family. So I shouldn't be like this.

Part of me wonders if the chronic fear of rejection comes from being left out in school. I was grand until I was in 3rd/4th class and I started getting picked on- I was a teachers pet and overweight at the time. It hit me hard. I know it sounds like nothing and so frivolous, but it really impacted me. I wasn't "cool" and girls in my year made fun of me all the way to junior cert/ TY, even after I'd lost the weight and was less nerdy. My best friends from primary dropped me around that time as they became cool and it really hurt. It's so daft, but it think almost 10 years later it still is in my psyche

I just hate the way I'm always waiting to be rejected and do it at the first sign they might reject me, when most of the time they probably aren't/wouldn't. I mean who knows how many potential relationships I've jeopardised by burning bridges prematurely.

JoChervil · 16-12-2021 2:47pm

I would consider to be dropped by your best friends as a loss. And bulling in school has massive effect as well on fragile kid's psyche.

bitofabind · 16-12-2021 8:23pm

My therapist told me if she had a euro for every patient who tells her at first they had a “happy childhood”... well you get the picture. So much of our critical learning and development happens as kids and it’s these “smaller” traumas that can entirely change the way we learn to live in the world. Bullying is hugely traumatising and it sounds like there’s some fear of abandonment and rejection stuff around that that you could really work on, ideally with a professional therapist.

In a nutshell, you need to go from placing all of your value in these external things i.e dating, men, how others perceive you, into developing a deeper sense of value that comes from within. A knowledge that you are bloody great and that’s a static thing that doesn’t change if a guy doesn’t see it. I’d describe it as being your own best ally, and your self talk is positive and encouraging as opposed to critical and judgemental. So if some guy doesn’t like you back, it’s disappointing but you know your worth enough to put it in perspective and move on.

From that place, you can navigate dating a lot more easily since it’s not telling you anything about yourself, and you’re looking for someone that fits YOUR needs rather than trying to prove yourself to anyone.

Segotias · 17-12-2021 11:24am

You mentioned you were overweight when you were younger and lost it.

As someone who's been overweight all my life since childhood I can safely say it has really impacted how I approach relationships, I can't get my head around why someone would be interested in me and the conditional thinking that being bigger is unattractive plays a part in why I think how I think.

This, combined with bullying when you were younger might be leading you to think you don't deserve a relationship and you're running before the anticipated rejection

Mad_maxx · 18-12-2021 12:20pm

men wont know if you are interested unless you make it at least somewhat obvious ,we dont get subtle hints

Ash.J.Williams · 18-12-2021 12:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058223052/i-always-assume-men-im-interested-in-dont-like-me-back

Take the lead , you call back first etc

fevertrees · 18-12-2021 1:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118342161#Comment_118342161

I'd love to do that bit. Rejection terrifies me. I always play a passive role when I'm interested in someone. I'd never try strike up a conversation, would rarely text first (unless we've been talking for weeks) etc. Sometimes lads I fancy will put in the effort, but I have to wonder about all the times someone I'm interested in didn't have the courage/didn't think I was interested, because odds are that's happened before.

Like right now I fancy a fella in my course (postgrad) and I've caught him looking at me plenty and he messages me about exams/assignments when he knows other people way better in the course. Yet I'm too chicken to sit beside him and say more than a hi in passing. Part of me wants to try befriend him next semester and see if I actually have a shot, because personality wise he seems right up my alley. And Heck, we matched online 2 weeks ago. Though nothing was said. I haven't been in class with him in 3 weeks.

bitofabind · 19-12-2021 8:41am

Everyone fears rejection, so regardless of its source you’re not alone there. This lad probably doesn’t want to take the risk in case you’re only interested in him as a friend etc.

What’s the worst that could happen if you sat beside him next time and said hi? Don’t get too in your head about this stuff. The world won’t burn down if he or any other man is not into you. You’ll survive and in fact realise how resilient you are. I was brutal for years (decades) of burying my head in the sand when i fancied someone because my confidence was non existent. Only for years to pass, us all to grow up and me to learn that lots of these men fancied me too!

Passive is fine, but it gets you the same results. Work through the things that make you passive and grab life by the horns instead. It’s a lot more fun, I promise you

rolling boh · 19-12-2021 10:58am

Know it far easier said than done but everybody has to put themselves out there and take some chances . The guy in the class has noticed you and is making contact about course stuff you have a good opportunity there I feel to get to know him better . As has been said you have nothing to lose by taking the chance presented to you it's not like you are trying to get talking to someone who hasn't even noticed up to now make an effort and you never know good luck .

19-12-2021 11:14am

Ah, give the lad a chance... and yourself.

BTW, this is almost the exact scenario as to how I met my wife, very pretty, a little insecure at the time. I sat alongside her in lectures, Once I made an off the cuff remark about her lunch, she was mortified and set us back months - I kid you not.

But, that doesn't solve your original concern.

I also think the bullying may have had a massive affect. The below may not be relevant, but no harm ruling it out. Even talking to a professional (even if not BPD) may be of benefit.

https://www2.hse.ie/conditions/mental-health/borderline-personality-disorder/borderline-personality-disorder-treatment.html

fevertrees · 19-12-2021 11:21am

Thank you so much guys. And ye are right. I really appraise taking the time to give me such detailed answers.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118345984#Comment_118345984

I can somewhat relate to the fear of rejection/unstable relationship aspects of that disorder but I lack any of the impulsiveness/harming behaviour/suicidal ideation and mood swings associated with it. Still, it could be useful to research nonetheless, given I can relate to the unstable relationships part. . I do have a cousin with this disorder.

I always assume men I'm interested in don't like me back

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