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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #4742
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,457 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    This Polish lad Piotr down the gym, big into his weightlifting, says he's going to quit his job in financial service and go work for ESB Networks doing electricity wires. It was a surprise at first ...


    ... but he's just a big power pole.



  • #4743
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,199 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I just invented a thought controlled air freshener. It’s sounds crazy but it makes scents when you think about it.



  • #4744
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help with my posture, but I stand corrected.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4745
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I said to my son, "If you think our microwave, phone and TV spying on us is bad, our vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on us for years!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4746
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4747
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,919 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I just found out Canada isn't real.


    It's all maple leaf.



  • #4748
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,919 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Duvet Know It's Christmas is being released in the charts soon. 


    It's a cover.



  • #4749
    wotzgoingon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,309 ✭✭✭✭wotzgoingon


    I'm private dick, very private dick. I used to be public dick but after that incident in the park.



  • #4750
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,732 ✭✭✭Worztron


    My wife just called me pretentious. I was so surprised my monocle fell out.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4751
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    So I say to the waitress, "Tell me about the menu please", and she says, "The men in my life are none of your business!"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4752
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,919 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Tried calling the tinnitus helpline.

    No answer.

    Just kept ringing.



  • #4753
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,919 ✭✭✭✭everlast75





  • #4754
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just tried some of the new Viagra tea bags,I'm still crap in bed, but at least my biscuits no longer go soggy when I dunk them.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4755
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Why is VI afraid of VII?..............Because VII VIII IX.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4756
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Since getting back from my vacation in Asia, I've been completely disoriented.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4757
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was looking at an archery set for Christmas, you can even get it gift-wrapped so it comes with a bow!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4758
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was, she said March 1st, so I walked round the room and asked her again.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4759
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,457 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/J2onyabike/status/1473758090549944320


    ...



  • #4760
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    You think Omicron is bad, just wait until Megatron shows up.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4761
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My first job was sound engineer for the band that played at Stonehenge....................I no longer mix in those circles.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4762
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife said she saw a deer on the way to work this morning, wonder how she knew it was going to work?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4763
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    As a personal tribute to David Bowie, I've made a whole tin of Heroes last just for one day.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4764
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just found out Sir Anthony Hopkins is Welsh.

    Certainly explains why he wanted those lambs to keep quiet.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4765
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,199 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Dwarfism is a growing problem. Actually my neighbour is a dwarf, I look out for him and he really looks up to me.



  • #4766
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,919 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118398131#Comment_118398131

    It's a hard life being a dwarf.

    Trying to put food on the table can be difficult



  • #4767
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,185 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118398476#Comment_118398476

    He wasn't Happy.



  • #4768
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,800 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    I heard the story of the seven dwarfs - they were mostly miserable. Only one was Happy.



  • #4769
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm a super dad. Only took me 3 hours to build a Lego set that had 3-7 years on the box.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4770
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man and my super power would be...foiling crime.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4771
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,199 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Me: So when will I actually receive the shark

    Loan Shark: What?



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