Endless silence on dating apps

eaglach · 22-12-2021 9:14pm #1

I've been single most of my life and have always been struggling to have any kind of successful dating life. This is not for the want of trying. I've downloaded plenty of dating apps and always seem to run into the same problem. You match with someone, strike up a conversation and then... nothing. They go silent after your last message for no apparent reason.

I've stubbornly also taken the approach of not messaging someone first unless I'm the one who matched with them i.e. if they're swiping and it pops up "it's a match" or whatever, I expect them to send the first message. In my eyes if someone is actually interested in you, they'll message you, otherwise I'll just assume they're a match collector. I also refuse to chase someone by messaging again after I sent the last message. Maybe I'm being silly, but to me I feel it'd come across as desperate.

Now I will caveat this by saying that I'm gay, but I'm guessing it's the same in straight dating. It's really getting to me lately. Just this week I was chatting to a guy on Tinder and the conversation was flowing. I decided to take a leap of faith early on in our chat and ask him for a coffee because I knew there was the very high chance of the conversation ending and never hearing from him again, as always happens. He was going to meet me there and then only that he was meeting another friend and decided to do it the next day. I sent the last message and never heard from him again.

I'm just finding it incredibly difficult to just get that initial date. I don't get it. I don't think I'm saying anything "wrong". Just your usual initial chit chat that you have to get over before getting into an actual conversation. It rarely goes beyond, or even reaches that stage. Now I'm far from cocky (people actually say I'm very modest) but apparently I'm a good looking guy. I thought this would work in my favour, but nope! I know there's other avenues for dating, like meeting people in bars or through groups / social activities, but it's a bit more difficult during covid (and when you're gay) so I focus on apps.

Is this just modern dating on apps or is there something I might be doing wrong?

completedit · 23-12-2021 12:56am

Be attractive 2. Don't be unattractive

Really it's that simple.

______________________________

Mod Note:

@completedit it's really not that simple. If it was there would be no Relationship Issues. Also "attractive" is very subjective. Your post in it's simplicity has the potential to make a poster feel even worse about themselves.

23-12-2021 1:18am

I absolutely hate dating apps. I’m not that good at recognising when someone’s flirting and tend to always be up for a chat.

I’ve met up with guys and it’s ended up as a chat about random stuff, and they just get weird and passive aggressive about me not being full on enough.

I’ve also had incidents of guys finding me on Twitter (from a Tinder profile) and then getting all aggressive because I didn’t respond how they expected. I was just chatty..

I also had a guy I know for years on twitter suddenly come on very strong by DM and then go weird because I didn’t really know what to make of it.

Honestly, there are times I’m not sure I even know how to respond to people anymore. I just want to go for pints, coffee, dinner … If stuff happens - it happens.

However, I’m at the stage I’ve given up on dating. If I randomly bump into someone nice, cool. If I don’t, also cool. I’m just not really into the hook up swipe left / swipe right thing. It leaves me cold.

My advice would be to go to bars, get involved with activities and get talking to real people.

23-12-2021 1:20am

Clearly OP, and I am trying to be constructive here, there is something you are saying that is unattractive. Maybe you are trying to be witty, or something, but whatever you say, comes across unattractive. The more and more I read your post, it appears to me that this is the issue.

I will also say, I've had the exact same issues (although I'm straight).

My advice? Say less, meet more. Once you get over that leap, things get better.

All the best. *superlike*

eaglach · 23-12-2021 3:09pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118364200#Comment_118364200

Nah definitely not. I'm rarely able to get beyond the introductions stage. Typically it goes along the lines of - How are you. Where are you from. What do you do. What brings you to Tinder / what are you up to. Try to lead it into a hobby discussion etc.

All of that is phrased better of course. Maybe I'm meant to be instantly witty and open with some funny statement!

Mister Vain · 23-12-2021 3:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118366231#Comment_118366231

That's generally the way I message people too and I always end up with the same result as yourself, so you're not alone. I get a decent amount of matches but I find most of the women make no effort with the conversation. It's like I'm the one asking all the questions but they never ask anything back and eventually it just fizzles out.

In saying that, a girl did respond to me yesterday saying she's free for a date after I asked her over 3 weeks ago. I'm thinking she might have had a couple of dates in that time and they didn't work out, but I'll see how it goes.

23-12-2021 3:28pm

The vast majority of dating app matches/conversations go nowhere and for a myriad of reasons.

Some people do indeed just collect matches.
Some people just don't spend much time on the app.
Conversation doesn't flow and becomes a chore to keep it going.
Too many matches to keep up with all conversations.
Etc, etc.

Women friends of mine get greeted with silence too and when I match with women on Tinder and ask how they've been getting on, a large number of them say "nobody talks on here."

So the whole "just be good looking" is a load of bollocks.

Sonics2k · 23-12-2021 3:34pm

Dating apps are an incredibly efficient way to absolutely crush your confidence and spirit, more so for men than women, but still happens.

Apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and all those are a Law of Averages type game. Whether its in terms of matches, or even responses. The average straight woman is going to get an awful lot more messages than the average straight man, largely out of pure numbers, eg the ratio of men to women on dating apps.

It's also important to remember that dating apps are set up in a way, and configured, to encourage men to go to 'premium' versions of the App. They also typically charge men more than women.

Unfortunately with a lot of matches people just swipe as a confidence thing (men and women do this) because they like that serotonin hit when they get a match.

Keep at it if you want to, but just remember that sadly the success rate on most dating apps is quite low.

TheadoreT · 23-12-2021 4:38pm

Try standing out from the repetitive small talk that most people send. There's probably a very small % of people where their looks alone will get them dates but for everyone else it's who sells themselves best. Be creative, be fun. There's endless amount of time in the future to find out the boring stuff like jobs ect but if you can't just go off the cuff with something humorous or interesting you'll bore most people. There's more attraction in the counterintuitive than intuitive so don't be overly concerned who sends who the first message. Send 20 messages as first message, go off on an insane tangent... own your neediness by being almost OTT jokingly needy.

If you're not getting dates its down to your personality, or how much you're inhibiting your personality. People take that to heart but it's just practice like anything, and stop giving a f*ck.

bitofabind · 23-12-2021 5:51pm

Maybe the guys you’re matching with are also taking the view that if you were interested, you’d message first? It’s a bit counter-productive to think that way on a dating app, since no-one would message anyone and no dates would be had by anyone by that logic.

Message first when you match. Why not? What have you got to lose? Plus you’re doubling your odds of getting dates immediately.

Also, apps dehumanise everyone. The swiping makes people forget there’s humans on the other side of it, so conversations will start and stop and people will lose attention at the drop of a hat amidst the sea of faces. Don’t take it personally.

23-12-2021 10:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118366887#Comment_118366887

This is a good post, OP.

Don't overthink things. You're by no means in the minority.

2 fast · 24-12-2021 5:31pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118366231#Comment_118366231

Personally I hate when someone says how are you? Next message what bring you to tinder? How long have you been single?

This is pure personal opinion, but maybe change up your conversation starters. Once we did 20 questions and it was great fun!

Don't give up but just broaden your horizons .

You'll meet someone just get busy living life and you'll never know who you will meet.

a2deden · 24-12-2021 5:57pm

I havent used Tinder/other apps since i left Toronto and returned home (got married). But it took me a really short time to realize the what do you do, how are you stuff doesnt work

I used to just ask "do you want to build a snowman" lol or "Ive seen your photograph, but baby i need more than that"

I know guys who just found a good line from a song and it was what they used to get a conversation going. Its very easy to be boring on these apps without actually being a boring person in real life

Being hot always helps, some of my friends would be considered such and did well at the start but often struggled to get far

Montage of Feck · 25-12-2021 11:51pm

I guess I'm guilty of being the type that goes silent, I make a match and then panic like my phone is a timebomb in my pocket until I delete the app in frustration at my lack of confidence.

Tell me how · 26-12-2021 7:11am

There's just so many reasons why apps are a quantity over quality dating experience. Building a flowing conversation can be next to impossible because for one reason that the 2 people could be in a very different place at that moment and so 'Any plans for the weekend?' from one person as they think about their plans on Thursday evening can hit very differently for someone who is looking at working 3 12 hours shifts in the next 3 days or whatever. And that goes for most conversations throughout the week. Even if one person is having a bad day while the other is in great form, the vibe can be way off leading one of them to unmatch and move on.

Another think that works against apps, or the experience of the people using them is <Mod Snip> the paradox of choice.

When you hope to fall madly in love, or to find your perfect match, it is too easy to pass potential opportunities thinking the next one will be 'the one'. And so people don't put effort in to really engaging with some matches because while there might be some reason that they swiped right on them, they don't invest enough to make a meaningful connection. And I think people can sometimes play both roles in these types of scenarios, just maybe at different times.

ZoZoZo · 30-12-2021 3:57pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058223993/endless-silence-on-dating-apps

>but apparently I'm a good looking guy

If it's just your mom who's telling you this then I'm afraid I have some bad news for you...

Seriously though, I find the same thing with tinder/bumble; plenty of matches but very few actual conversations and I've only actually met one woman in person in 14 months of being on these apps. I've come to the conclusion that its just left-swipe fatigue. People are swiping left so often that eventually they swipe right on you thinking "he'll do", but then when its actually a match they have a closer look and realize that you're ok but not that hot to them. So in other words you're better than most of what they are seeing but not ticking all their boxes so they just can't be bothered to make the effort and will continue on the eternal search for something better. So there will be some initial chit-chat as they just don't want to be rude and/or it is an ego boost to be getting messages from a match but when it comes to actually meeting you they'll cut it off because they have no real interest.

I'm not quite so concerned about seeming needy so I will try a second time if one of my messages goes unanswered but beyond that I figure they're just not that into me if they ignore two opportunities to start a conversation. If you look through your own right-swipes I expect you'd find the same. If every one of them was a match would you be delighted to speak to every one of them, or were many of them in the category of "he might do". Maybe its my age, I'm looking for women over 35, but fewer than 1 in 10 fall into the 'she might do category' and its probably 1 in 50 or fewer who I think are really hot. So even swiping through a couple of 100 profiles I might find maybe a handfull that I'd think are really hot and then what is the probability that they have also seen my profile and also think I'm hot ? So far its been roughly 0%. And that's despite my also having above average looks and my mom saying that I'm cool.

So in summary, it's a numbers game; so the more you swipe the better the chances of matching with someone who you actually think is hot and who feels the same. You try to decrease the disappointment by only right swiping on people you think are really hot but this can be depressing in another way, I have reached the end of both Tinder and Bumble on more than one occasion. It's just a blank profile with the words: "You're going to die alone"

JoChervil · 30-12-2021 6:39pm

Maybe you should apply a solution from "secretary problem" to stop and chose.

Canard · 01-01-2022 4:48pm

Chiming in to say you're not alone. The apps are absolutely abysmal. I take the same approach as you and have a lot of conversations that flow, but it rarely goes beyond that and the amount of guys who match second and expect you to do all the work is unreal. If they're not bothered enough to say hi, why should I? Or the ones who ask nothing back - turns into an interview rather than a conversation!

I'd delete them entirely, but with the pandemic there's just no other way to meet people easily. I think only around 20% of people on them are actually interested in meeting anyone irl, the rest are just bored or something, but just know that it's not in your head.

eaglach · 02-01-2022 10:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118366887#Comment_118366887

I don't know if you use Tinder, but if you swipe and it comes up "match" or whatever, I will immediately message the guy. If I go on the app and see that a guy had matched with me (i.e. he saw the screen saying "match") then I'd expect him to message. It screams match collector if you match with someone and don't bother to send them any message.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118391357#Comment_118391357

I'm trying to be modest. It's hard to say you're good looking without sounding like a twat! Based on what everyone tells me and the attention I get generally, I would give myself an 8/10. I would have thought I'd have been in good standing on the apps, but seems not to be the case.

I currently have 15 matches. 3 of them matched with me and never messaged. Every single one of the rest of them I have sent the last message. Most of those last messages were mid conversation, as in they have plenty of room to continue if they wanted to. Not just a boring one word response from me.

I'm tempted to just regularly uninstall and reinstall so that I can match with the same guys again. It tends to reset the conversation and hopefully one of them will agree to meet in person and get off the torture that is these apps.

02-01-2022 10:42pm

Online dating has sucked for nearly 2 years man. Id say it's on the way out, or definitely loosing popularity.

No harm probably. It works for some and not others.

The amount of people I come across that look nothing in real life like they do in there online profile photo's is amazing.

YellowLead · 02-01-2022 10:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118407924#Comment_118407924

Curious - on tinder you can’t message when you like somebody - do you mean you would expect a message once you hit like.

Maybe the guys are intimidated by your good looks? I consider myself average and get plenty of matches and loads of dates, I don’t think I’ve really ever encountered anyone I’ve chatted to who then didn’t want to meet. So maybe it’s your looks, or maybe it’s the guys you are going for - are they all super good looking too and therefore have everyone swiping on them?

Salient Verb · 04-01-2022 4:32pm

As a heterosexual woman, I'm avoiding them from now on. I did give it a go and I managed to go for dinner with a very nice man, but there was just no spark for me there. Thankfully, he was one of the normal ones and didn't pursue it when I made it obvious I wasn't interested in seeing him again.

But I'm increasingly aware of risks with online dating. You just do not know the past history of people on there (unlike meeting them through friends, etc), whether they are really single or even who they say they are.

Anyway, my point is it happens to me too. I think there are a lot of people online who are looking for one very specific thing (casual sex) and if you don't respond in a way which makes them think you will be receptive to that, it doesn't matter how good your conversation is or how good your photos are. For women, I even think having photos where you are very attractive can work against you because so many men on there are looking for someone easy who will be grateful for any contact.

Even with the decent guy I mentioned above, I struggled to have any kind of conversation going. Maybe people are fed up with too much chat and never meeting, but I honestly think that a lot of people who use dating apps just can't hold a conversation and thats why they are on there. So lets say I matched with over a hundred different guys in 3 weeks on this dating app, nearly all of the messages they sent me were "hi" and often that was followed with "how r u?" and then when I would give them a chance and try to steer towards a conversation, I'd invariably get something like "So what are you looking for in a man?" or "Whats your ideal man?" rather than an actual conversation about many of the things you would have a conversation with a stranger about to break the ice.

Then theres all the ones who on the second or third reply would simply ask me if I wanted to go over to theirs that evening or if they could come round to mine. I think about 15 did that. Its really depressing. The tendency seemed to be to want to talk about sex almost straight away and if you didn't do that, you could have been Kyle crossed with Rachel Weisz and they still wouldn't make any effort! I'm 40, so maybe younger age groups are better, but from what my younger friends tell me, its exactly the same.

I agree with the poster above that dating apps are on their way out, although they're so easy and low effort, we will probably never get rid of them.

I've actually applied for Raya, as I have a couple of friends on it and have good photos from a bit of catalogue modelling, so lets see if I get in!

jams100 · 04-01-2022 11:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118416662#Comment_118416662

At least you get matches 😁

Having used Tinder recently, I found that I wasn't even getting any matches! (Average enough 25 year old guy, not particularly good looking, not particularly bad looking).

Is it a case that if your a lad and you don't pay premium on these apps that your just put right to the back of the queue?

They all seem like a waste of time to me anyway unless you want casual sex. It's very superficial too matching with someone based almost entirely on your looks?

In saying all this, it seems that one of my mates who recently set up tinder seems to be having some fun, although I think he's just looking for something casual atm, which feeds back into my earlier point.

For me personally these apps are all pretty demoralising and have only served to decrease my appetite for a relationship in the short term. It's all too easy to forget theres a human at the end of each "profile"

YellowLead · 04-01-2022 11:33pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118418879#Comment_118418879

Have you tried Hinge, or only tinder?

ebayissues · 04-01-2022 11:45pm

Very interesting to hear insights from woman's perspective.

As an average looking lad myself, I've struggled to get matches. With the ones I match with the ladies don't bother starting a conversation or replying to one.

Cycles of deleting and re-installing and seeing the same faces. So interesting that the women I'd rate as 8/10 are still there.. Average looking still there. So it would seem it's not just working if you're good looking or average.

Hinge, tinder, bumble.. as bad as each other

Dating apps are fickle, very fickle.

jams100 · 05-01-2022 12:09am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118418965#Comment_118418965

Haven't tried Hinge, I imagine it's much the same.

Might give it a try, even if to just validate my own thesis

05-01-2022 12:17am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118419126#Comment_118419126

Delete and restart.....its not a personal flaw,the algortherm behind tinder is an open secret (loosly based off a baseball app)

Yous not getting matches is 99% likely not a personal flaw,just being fcuked over by algorithims.....folks struggling with regards conversations/ghosting etc is a different story......

it annoys me,people suffering self-doubt/confidence problems over lack of matches in online apps,

when it is over interpetation of a issue caused by a flawed computer program

YellowLead · 05-01-2022 12:26am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118419126#Comment_118419126

Do - it’s not just me but plenty say they have more success (particularly guys), it’s much less fickle/casual than tinder. True, you run out of people after a while as numbers aren’t so high on it in Ireland but definitely worth a shot trying a new one, you just never know. Even, as you say, to validate your own theory!

Liberty_Bear · 05-01-2022 1:11am

I took out a subscription to Tinder (gay lad!) and I said right time to make a serious attempt at dating. Having consulted with the young lads I work with what is the best way of doing it , I decided to swipe right on everything and unmatch anyone that I am not into and its paid off. Its purely a statistical game. Ive written a cheeky biography and stuck up a few photos (which are less than flattering !!) Im treating is half heartedly.

fishersham · 05-01-2022 2:19am

Honestly OP, I feel ya.

I can't really offer much advice. I'm peak age for it (first half of my 20s) and I too have issues with it. Most of my mates are the same. I've been on several dates (not a looker, I'm just at peak age of it), some have been lovely, no "weirdos" but it just feels so...artifical? I can't quite describe it. Initally I thought it was fab. So many options, so many matches etc etc.

But it means nothing. We're all overwhelmed by choice. Like you go on a few dates with someone and both of you have a catalogue of other options on your phone. There's always the "what if the next person I match with is better?" and I doubt that happened a decade ago (again I was in secondary school then haha). It's hard to be satisfied with what's in front of you when there's like 100+ people you haven't swiped on yet.

And idk. I know a few couples going out 6 months to 4 years so it clearly does work for some. But for me, idk, I love the dance. There's that magic of developing a crush and flirting during class/work/whatever and the drinks and the spilling of feelings. It's so exciting. That doesn't really happen with Tinder, like they kinda already know you're into them and vice versa. Not much ambiguity.

What I will say though, is I've heard Bumble and Hinge are much better for meeting people who are genuinely "looking". A lot on Tinder are just there for the ride or boredom or a self esteem boost.

Tell me how · 05-01-2022 4:51am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118416662#Comment_118416662

I've actually applied for Raya, as I have a couple of friends on it and have good photos from a bit of catalogue modelling, so lets see if I get in!

Absolutely zero shade at you for being confident in your own attractiveness, but the premise of Raya makes me break out in a cold sweat.

The DayDream · 05-01-2022 5:51am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118366333#Comment_118366333

This is exactly what happens to me on the apps - women putting zero effort into the conversation, I'm asking questions getting no questions back. It's like, do they think they're a celebrity being interviewed by a journalist or something?

I would honestly rather they just not respond and unmatch rather than make me carry the entire conversation if they're not really that interested. My own theory is that the nature of these apps and the ratios of men to women leads to the latter being very picky, possibly having very high expectations. Like they literally are not gonna get excited about a match that isnt a handsome doctor lol.

If I send 2 questions and neither response includes a question back I just unmatch and move on. And it feels much better than trying to squeeze a convo out of someone who cant be arsed.

Now for OP, I'm guessing being a gay man makes for it's own idiosyncrasies but just keep your chin up and don't take any lack of interest or outright rejection personal - Online dating is a crapshow and a crapshoot. It's not uncommon for anyone, good looking or not to actually struggle to get beyond the matching and clunky text convo stage.

Mister Vain · 05-01-2022 9:49am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118419569#Comment_118419569

Actually I've recently started using Hinge and I find it much better in that regard. The women I've matched with so far are making an effort and asking plenty of questions. I was meant to go on a date with a girl but she tested positive for covid. Another girl I'm talking to is currently isolating. Fecking typical that I'm getting all these matches now when everyone seems to have covid. 😆

It's looking promising though. I'm not getting my hopes up but it seems to be a much better app than Tinder and Bumble.

Goodigal · 05-01-2022 11:43am

I have had the good fortune of meeting really nice guys on Bumble (late 40s here and not a stunner!) so probably looking for something totally different to some other posters. I have no problem chatting to men initially, and the conversation has never been one of those 'what are you looking for in a man?' chats. Talk everything from GAA/football to Netflix to children to work. It shouldn't be that hard to have a laugh with someone online. And then see if that translates if/when you get to meet them.

Some of them I've stayed in touch with because they're good fun and we check in on each other regularly. But like I said, it might be my age where I am not looking for the one - been there, done that - but just some company and a few dates a month. Hope you click with someone soon OP - but don't let dating define you. Be happy with yourself first.

jams100 · 07-01-2022 1:05pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118419126#Comment_118419126

Gave it a try, same story no matches after sending a comment to about 20 people over the past number of days.

Easy to see how this could effect someones morale if they already lack confidence/ self belief.

cj maxx · 08-01-2022 8:02am

I'm getting pissed off with dating apps. I've got a few likes, and conversations that died. I'm also sick of the attractive Chinese girls ' based in Dublin ' but who want to WhatsApp on a uk number. It seems to be a case of throwing enough sh1t against the wall and seeing what sticks.

B.A._Baracus · 09-01-2022 12:11am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118437670#Comment_118437670

Cj, I'm gonna be crude on this one... see your problem? It's that you have a c*ck. There's like 300 blokes to 1 woman on dating sites - there's a reason why no dating site ever reveals its male/female figures.

But if you had a fanny instead? Expect your inbox to be hopping every day. 7 days a week. 365 days a year. That's just the reality.

09-01-2022 12:26am

Gay or straight, humans are humans, same issues. Most ordinary folk just don’t want to be the person who puts it out there first. In fact I always question why would somebody seem over interested in getting it out there unless they had some issue, because I’m my own experience, over-enthusiastic people sometimes have a major issue, like alcoholism. That’s not a criticism of them, but a symptom of their “trying too hard”, which should raise a red flag. In the other hand the submissive silence is the opposite factor, waiting for an approach by hopefully somebody confident yet without an “issue”. Very hard to get it right, eg, if you try, how do you initiate the approach whilst not scaring another ordinary or perfectly decent shy person off?

It’s a landmine!

Tell me how · 09-01-2022 8:19am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118441887#Comment_118441887

If there's 300 men to 1 woman on each dating site, where are the other 299 women going to find partners?

By and large the population split is 50/50 and assuming there are the same percentage of each gender who are looking for same sex partners there is still an even amount of people looking for partners from both sides.

If you are right, and there's a vast disparity between the numbers of each gender on the sites, that doesn't mean it is any easier for the females as you suggest, there is lot more to finding a meaningful partner than just someone willing to have sex with you. And women have to tolerate a deluge of messages which for them makes it harder to pick out a genuine prospect.

notAMember · 09-01-2022 9:00am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442551#Comment_118442551

Not on the apps, I believe is what they are saying. And honestly I hope my kids never have to use them. I hope they meet their partners through sport, college, work, mutual friends etc.

I have a couple of acquaintances, male, who use the apps like escort services. They are businessmen, suited-up sales, who travel a bit. They line up a couple of nights out in a city, wine and dine the girl (on a company credit card usually) , talk the talk, sometimes sleep with her, leave the city and ghost . Spent their entire 30’s doing this and now into their 40’s.

So you can understand people’s wariness.

Everyone seems to expect the other party to go the extra mile. Start the conversation, have interesting questions, get a banter going. But at the same time with the background info that it could all be under false pretences.

09-01-2022 3:18pm

The pandemic has certainly accentuated dependence on dating apps. Back in the day you met people in real life settings, clubs, work, shared interests. And with people working from home, sometimes in relative isolation, there is simply little alternative if you want to attempt contact with your preferred gender. Socially I think, current circumstances, are an absolute disaster.

And if you are on too many sites it can be very difficult to keep track of messages, potential matches. I recently came across what could have been a superb match from a couple of months back, with the guy sharing a very niche interest and having access to it that I could share. Yet I’m not going to return and insult him by saying “of by the way I just see you and I could get along great, sorry for ignoring you for two months”. That guy deserves better than that.

Mister Vain · 09-01-2022 3:42pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443949#Comment_118443949

That could be a good thing if it means people are taking the apps more seriously now that there are less options to meet IRL. Although I'm not sure if that is the case, and you still have that paradox of choice within the apps unfortunately. I'll be sticking to Hinge from now on I think.

Ave Sodalis · 10-01-2022 12:03am

It's definitely not just you OP. I'm a female in my mid to late 20s, okay in the looks department, not looking for anything serious on those apps. By many people's definition, I should be going out every week because I should technically be in the most sought after section. I got rid of any matches that didn't talk or stopped replying on Tinder recently. That left me with 2 matches. One is one of my friends from childhood so it doesn't count. The other has sort of fizzled out without anything happening, despite saying we were definitely going to meet.

I've actually stepped back from dating apps a lot because I realised they were killing whatever little bit of confidence I had.

Harryd225 · 10-01-2022 12:44am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058223993/endless-silence-on-dating-apps

As another poster said maybe it is something you are saying or how you are coming across in the messages (maybe desperate idk) , seeing as though you are actually getting replies and conversation from them then that would suggest that it is not your looks that are the problem and people are actually interested in getting to know you, the problem seems to be that once they get to know you then they don't want to talk to you anymore.

Judging by the title I assumed you meant you weren't getting any replies at all.

Salient Verb · 19-01-2022 3:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118447054#Comment_118447054

In general, in my area, I've found that the men on dating apps have 1 thing in common. They lack good social skills, as demonstrated by being able to hold a reasonably polite, interesting conversation without being rude, abrupt or inappropriate. Typical example yesterday. I had received 4 sporadic, 1 line replies from a man on one app, although I'd tried to engage him in conversation (e.g. me: "Oh which university did you go to and what did you study? I went to x uni and did x". Him: "Bio-science".) Then I suddenly got a reply accusing me of not giving him my phone number and not allowing him to build up the trust needed to get to know someone. And a whole host of other quite odd stuff about being secretive. He wanted me to give him my phone number after 4 one line messages. No awareness at all that women don't just give out their phone numbers to virtual strangers and all about blaming me.

Thats fairly typical to be honest. Just really poor social skills and an inability to hold a conversation. Many quite weird. And they still expect you to run around after them. In fact the less they have going for them, the more they expect you to do the running.

YellowLead · 19-01-2022 7:07pm

What age guys are you going for? I rarely experience that demanding numbers after a few messages, but I’ve been on the apps for 2 years and can tell the profiles where the guys would be acting like that. I look for age 35-55.

I hardly ever swipe right, because it is hard to find normal people on the apps - albeit hinge is far better than bumble for that.

Salient Verb · 19-01-2022 7:33pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118501609#Comment_118501609

34-50! With the older guys tending more towards smutty messages (the last one continually asked me if I wore stockings and suspenders) and the younger guys more towards being insulting and trying to argue you into agreeing to give them your number/meet them but being fairly obnoxious. Apparently its called negging. Obviously I just blocked them. I'm not on Hinge. tbh I've had enough of it and am deleting it.

YellowLead · 19-01-2022 7:42pm

That’s fair enough! I would suggest hinge however if you decide to restart, tinder has a lot of trash on there, as in guys just looking for sex/sex chats in a disrespectful way.

jams100 · 17-04-2022 1:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118432503#Comment_118432503

So 3 months on and I noticed a big change since taking good quality pictures with just myself in the pics. (By good quality i mean i was wearing decent cloths and i was in NYC at the time, luckily I had a friend to take the pics). Before the new pictures were used on tinder I was getting little to no matches (I'm a lad), now I'm getting about 1 match a week, which isn't bad as I'm not even using it that much.

Better news is I met someone in person a few days ago off tinder and she's really nice and we'll be meeting up again soon for a second date.

So the takeaway from this:

1. Make sure your pics are up to date, ideally with just yourself in the pics and not use pics that contain a load of your mates.

2. Put something into your bio that gives a little insight into yourself. (Dogs is a good one...nearly everyone likes dogs).

3. Don't get dispondent or waste too much time on tinder, there are other options like speed dating etc.

Galwayguy35 · 17-04-2022 1:47pm

Was on them for years, made the mistake of texting for weeks before meeting than then sitting across the table from someone and we had nothing to talk about.

Also arranged to meet up and when I arrived the other person was a no show, it doesn't take long to send a text saying they have changed their mind.

I deleted the apps and went back to the way we used to meet people before anyone ever heard of a dating app and hit it off with a woman I met on a night out.

Maybe this will work out and maybe it won't but either way I don't think I'll go back to online dating again.

jams100 · 17-04-2022 2:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118938725#Comment_118938725

Yea fair point.

I'd talk to someone on the app for a couple of days, up to a max of 4 or 5 days then I'd ask if they want to meet up for a coffee. If they do then there probably serious, if they don't then they are probably timewasters.

I'm talking like I'm an expert here, I'm not nor am I particularly good looking, just my experience

Endless silence on dating apps

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