Correcting others people's Kids

Brid Hegarty · 15-01-2022 9:58pm #1

Often we take it for granted that the parents will realise that a certain thing is out of order, and expect them to take action. But when they don't what option do you have other than to correct them.

There was an incident over the summer at a family event, where my niece was throwing grass at another kid. My younger sister (who's not the mother) then starting encouraging niece to start throwing grass at her boyfriend while he was sitting at a table conversing with others. The boyfriend was effectively an outsider in this group and he was pretty much facing in the other way and seemed to, either not notice, or ignore the grass landing on his legs. As you'd guess, this made her throw more grass until the grass started landing on his head. He eventually looked around and made a weak attempt to say 'stop stop' but to no avail. I expected someone else to say something but no one did. I didn't say anything either. Since then I've thought to myself that I'll have to step up in future. Now to be fair my sister has only been dating him for a short time so she's still probably trying to figure out what sort of a man he is by testing how he'll react in situations like this.

So over Christmas just gone I gave this girl (now 5) a present and as expected she didn't thank me. I gave the parents a chance to give the "now what do you say..." but there was nothing! Her husband muttered a thanks and then I said the line to the child myself. I didn't go down very well with the mother (older sister). Now to be fair she's never witnessed me correct her child before so it was probably completely unexpected to see me have that sort of take charge attitude out of nowhere, but I was still surprised that she was offended.

corner of hells · 15-01-2022 10:00pm

Did the five year old give you a present?

Donald Trump · 15-01-2022 10:05pm

Maybe buy the poor child a non-shite present next time

Brid Hegarty · 15-01-2022 10:09pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118481938#Comment_118481938

No, that's the thing. She was really excited about the present, but couldn't have given a damn about where it came from.

15-01-2022 10:09pm

Yeah no, don't correct other people's kids. Not your call.

If they don't want to teach them basic manners, its their poor decision.

Wait smugly for it to come back and bite them on the a** in years to come.

Donald Trump · 15-01-2022 10:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118481960#Comment_118481960

But then consider why you gave the child the present? Was it for the child or for you?

If it was an ungrateful 15 year old then maybe you could be justified being a bit annoyed. But not a 5 year old.

spakman · 15-01-2022 10:14pm

As with most situations, there's a way of saying it. Tone and facial expression are as important as the words. Impossible for anyone here to know how you said it

Brid Hegarty · 15-01-2022 10:16pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118481974#Comment_118481974

You don't get it. I was annoyed with the at the fact the sister took issue with me correcting her... not the child.

TheValeyard · 15-01-2022 10:16pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118481920#Comment_118481920

Probably Covid.

LapsypaCork · 15-01-2022 10:18pm

Id mention it to your sister, at age 5 a child is old enough to be thought to appreciate a present and at least say thank you, not up to the Dad to say thanks either.

spakman · 15-01-2022 10:19pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118482001#Comment_118482001

And you're old enough to know how to spell 'taught' 😜

Brid Hegarty · 15-01-2022 10:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118482008#Comment_118482008

But apart from the spelling error, do you agree with Lapsypa?

feelings · 15-01-2022 10:22pm

I would have said something smart arse like, "awh, no need to say thanks mary-jane - you're one of my favourite nieces"

Then taken the present back obviously. Cheeky cow.

spakman · 15-01-2022 10:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118482013#Comment_118482013

Yes I agree a 5 year old should say thanks, but I don't agree that it's your place to enforce that.

AckwelFoley · 15-01-2022 10:28pm

5 year old should have basic manners.

It's one of the first things you teach them..

You sister should have a bit of manners and teach her child manners.

But, definitely not your job to do it.

Children are a product of their environment. Monkey see, monkey do

Brid Hegarty · 15-01-2022 10:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118482031#Comment_118482031

If my sister wasn't a bit if a b1tch, then maybe I would feel more comfortable saying it to her instead in private.

Quantum Erasure · 15-01-2022 10:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118481974#Comment_118481974

shure it'll be too late to teach any manners by the time the child is 15...

spakman · 15-01-2022 10:40pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118482069#Comment_118482069

But you probably came across as a bit of a bitch yourself for reprimanding her child.

Wheety · 15-01-2022 11:09pm

My 2 year old says thank you if you give her something.

She also says thank you when she's handing you something too as she's still figuring out when it's appropriate to say it 😂

Tipperary animal lover · 15-01-2022 11:27pm

Everyone and everything is precious today............ in their eyes, thats why the country is going down the sh#tter fast, fair play to ya for saying ot to them, back in the day ya'd be delighted with any kind of present and say thank you!( before any one has a melt down on me about my spelling I'm dyslexic ... its just the way of the world today) ...

AyeGer · 15-01-2022 11:30pm

If the parents aren't going to teach basic manners to their kids then a once off from someone else isn't going to make much difference. But you obviously hit a nerve with your sister about it as she knows you were implying her parenting is lacking a little. No big deal though, in a way you were teaching the parents too.

sameoldname · 16-01-2022 12:06am

I'd ignore the parents and just try your best to instill some kind of manners into the child for their own sake. Ungrateful children turn into ungrateful adults and ungrateful adults tend to find life very hard as no one will do them any favour more than once.

Potential-Monke · 16-01-2022 1:03am

Tis more than correct I'd like to do some times...

radiotrickster · 16-01-2022 1:13am

If it’s family that you’re close with and see regularly enough, I think you’re okay to correct the child with things like that. I’ve done it with nieces and cousins (the cousins are 15+ years younger than me). Anything major should go through the parents but with basic manners, it’s fair to correct them yourself. As they say, it takes a village.

16-01-2022 9:21am

Correcting other peoples kids is like any other type of ppl management

The art is in knowing when what is right becomes serious enough to deal with the fallout of insisting upon it using whatever authority you have (never enough) and the skill is in never looking like you are doing it to the ppl that matter

Donald Trump · 16-01-2022 11:28am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118482745#Comment_118482745

That's why they banned you from doing gigs for children, Mr. Glitter 😋

LapsypaCork · 16-01-2022 1:23pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118482008#Comment_118482008

Thanks for the correction and yes, I’m old enough.

16-01-2022 2:02pm

There used to be such a thing as communal parenting. We all have norms that we broadly agree on. For example, you don't go spitting around the place and you don't spit at others. If you did this in a public place as a little tyke, any civic-minded adult would pull you up on it right and proper and any absent parent who didn't appreciate such a correction would be part of the problem quite frankly.

At the park beside our apartment, the kids from our building and neighboring buildings meet and play every evening. The kids range in age from toddlers to 13-year-olds. Parents wander around as well, chatting and generally keeping an eye on things without helicoptering. I would have absolutely no problem with another father or mother having a word with my boys if they were doing anything untoward, and I have done likewise on occasion. It is mutually appreciated, at least where I live. And where that happens enough, you find that the kids generally start reinforcing that norm on each other before very long, thus continuing civilization in the long run. The conscientious kids know that the adults will back them up if it comes to it. If this doesn't happen, the miscreants take over and before long, anti-social behavior becomes the norm.

Here's the thing though -- it has to be an unmistakable transgression or a circumstance where harm is likely to occur, and almost always the erring child's parents wouldn't be on the scene at the moment in question. If my children ran up to an unknown adult and started flinging grass at them, and I wasn't around to stop them and make them apologize, I would have no objection to that or the nearest adult stepping in and telling them to stop. However, if the child was put up to it by another adult, as in your case, the right thing to do would be to speak with that adult and have them put a stop to it, rather than castigating the child.

There is a tendency for adults to be frightened of other people's kids these days, though. This is why many kids increasingly have no respect for adults and are so impertinent. I recently brought my sons' playmate, who was visiting our home, back to his parents quite abruptly after he misbehaved very badly and wouldn't apologize. As a seven year old he was completely stunned that such a consequence might arise. Quite simply there is no discipline or respect for adults shown in his house and it shows.

On the lack of thank you on receipt of the gift, this does happen very often with 5-year-olds, even very nice 5-year-olds. They are either overwhelmed with excitement at the gift, or simply forget what the appropriate response is, or become shy suddenly, or, in some cases, they either don't know what to do because the behavior hasn't been modelled and reinforced, or, they are testing either you or their parent. I would probably jokingly but half seriously say "you're welcome!" or something like that, but any decent parent would immediately urge their child to say thank you, on the spot, before it came to that.

Brussels Sprout · 16-01-2022 2:17pm

When I saw the title of the thread I thought to myself "Well that's easy - don't do it ever". Then I read the OP and saw it was their niece. I think if you've a good relationship with your sibling and their spouse/partner then you should be close enough to be able to do this with their children as well. Obviously if it doesn't go down well with the parents then don't do it again. As for non relatives - Never never never. There's a very real risk that the parents will get defensive as they will take your correction of their child as a personal criticism of their parenting skills and it's just not worth the grief.

Dial Hard · 16-01-2022 2:22pm

You're the child's uncle and I think it's perfectly acceptable to correct nieces/nephews in such circumstances. I certainly have no issue doing it with mine. It takes a village, as they say.

Ten of Swords · 16-01-2022 2:32pm

How exactly did your sister take offense at this? What did she do/say?

IMO you were completely out of line.

Brid Hegarty · 16-01-2022 4:58pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118484248#Comment_118484248

She gave me a look to kill. My father (who was outside at the time) took it up with me later as she's capable of threatening a far bigger tantrum than me... I don't mean the child btw!

Ten of Swords · 16-01-2022 8:44pm

OK I really don't understand why you're upset. You gave your niece a gift, her father thanked you but the child did not - she's five! As someone else said, it could be reasonably be expected from an older child or a teen.

And the catalyst for this thread was that the mother, your sister, glared at you?

I'm out...

Brid Hegarty · 16-01-2022 9:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118486071#Comment_118486071

No one said anything about a teen. A teen not saying thanks in such a situations would say a lot about them. She didn't just glare at me. She went and told my father about it who then basically said what you said. Now maybe I would've been upset about it if I had let the child get away with her bad manners.

ctrl-alt-delete · 16-01-2022 9:24pm

Why were you not expecting the child to say thanks?

Jequ0n · 16-01-2022 9:24pm

So neither you, nor your sister can talk to one another and need others to validate your opinions. She picks your dad, you pick an Internet forum. What’s the point?

Btw if I were you I wouldn’t give the ungrateful brat another present, but unfortunately that means you’ll have to actually have a conversation with your family members and tell them what you think.

16-01-2022 9:32pm

Kids are very good at picking up on people who are a little bit "off".

JPup · 16-01-2022 9:39pm

No offence OP but that first example you gave says way more about you than the child or parents. A small child and her aunt are messing around playfully with some grass. No harm done and it sounds like all involved were enjoying themselves apart from you with a pus on your face sitting on the sidelines. Why should the parent or anyone else need to reprimand the child in that situation? She was playing with her aunt and from your own description did nothing wrong!

Brid Hegarty · 16-01-2022 9:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118486298#Comment_118486298

Did I mention she's a brat. Oh I think the poster below you has realised that!

I think she's a brat. But then again I don't have a lot of other kids her age to compare her to. But then again it won't be too long before she grows up and then they'll have a harder time making excuses for her bratty behaviour!

Brid Hegarty · 16-01-2022 9:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118486399#Comment_118486399

U 4got about 1 person. The bf. I felt sorry for him. He should b able 2 rely on his gf to correct the kid. He looked quite cross in fact. I've no doubt if it wer his own kid n that moment he wud've had no problem shouting at her 2 get her 2 stop.

KaneToad · 16-01-2022 9:50pm

I'd always correct a kid for doing something wrong that I was involved in. If it doesn't involve me, then I wouldn't bother.

In the OPs original example, the appropriate action would have been the boyfriend to have told the kid to stop throwing the grass at him - if he was bothered by it.

SteM · 16-01-2022 10:00pm

You seem to have family issues OP. You obviously have problems with your sister who you think is a bit of a bitch and maybe you're transferring them to your 5yo niece.

The kids a 5yo, let her parents raise her. You don't know maybe the father was going to try and explain to her later what she'd done wrong. Not all parenting is done in the moment, I still try to explain things to my 9yo if I see him do something wrong but it might be that night when I'm putting him to bed.

Potential-Monke · 16-01-2022 10:27pm

I honestly don't think it's much to expect parents to tell their 5 year old child to say thank you for a present. Regardless of the parents, that's basic common courtesy, and children younger can do it so I would expect a properly raised 5 year old to say thank you. Don't worry OP, it's the parents who will have to deal with her in years to come, they'll know all about please and thank you then!

Eircom_Sucks · 17-01-2022 3:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118486252#Comment_118486252

do you have kids ???

castletownman · 17-01-2022 3:36pm

Something along similar lines happened to me last summer.

My GF's aunt came to visit our new place when she was home from the States for a holiday. She brought her 11 year old daughter along with her, who is an anti-christ. Old enough to know right from wrong.

The daughter proceeded to mess around with a candle, somehow found a razor and attempted to start shaving me with it. Despite my telling her to stop (without getting angry because she isn't my family), she kept getting worse and worse, and egging on a younger cousin, who to be fair was realising she was over-stepping the mark.

What did her mother do? Sat back drinking tea at the kitchen table watching it unfold, and didn't once decide to intervene to cut it out. I ended up leaving the room and going for a walk.

I discovered after that the child in question has behavioural issues and is being assessed, but surely her mother could have at least told her to calm down once. Nope, discipline is an ancient concept sure.

ohnonotgmail · 17-01-2022 3:46pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118486071#Comment_118486071

5 year olds should know to say thank you when they receive a present.

AckwelFoley · 17-01-2022 3:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118489684#Comment_118489684

Behavioural issues aside, it doesn't condone the behaviour. If a child with Behavioural issues is about to put their hand into an open fire the parent wouldn't let them naturally. One often has to have a different less confrontational approach addressing actions, but sitting there doing nothing is just sh1tty parenting.

Ten of Swords · 17-01-2022 4:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118489760#Comment_118489760

Agreed, but in the event that the child didnt say it (excited, caught up in the moment, tired or whatever reason) I still think it was not the ops place to press the issue with the child at the time, presumably in front of everyone else.

ohnonotgmail · 17-01-2022 4:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118490042#Comment_118490042

no excuse for bad manners. the parents should have said something to the kid. the parents are at fault as much as the kid.

josip · 17-01-2022 4:55pm

Won't someone please think of the new boyfriend who has yet to complete his assessment?

"Now to be fair my sister has only been dating him for a short time so she's still probably trying to figure out what sort of a man he is by testing how he'll react in situations like this."

thegetawaycar · 17-01-2022 6:28pm

If it was a random kid then of course not but encouraging a niece to say "Thanks" for a present is fine IMO.

Unfortunately lots of people don't believe in parenting/disciplining their kids anymore and believe they can do no wrong.

The grass incident seems harmless and if you weren't involved directly probably just makes you come across a bit of a grouch.

Correcting others people's Kids

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