Advertisement
Help Keep Boards Alive. Support us by going ad free today. See here: https://subscriptions.boards.ie/.
If we do not hit our goal we will be forced to close the site.

Current status: https://keepboardsalive.com/

Annual subs are best for most impact. If you are still undecided on going Ad Free - you can also donate using the Paypal Donate option. All contribution helps. Thank you.
https://www.boards.ie/group/1878-subscribers-forum

Private Group for paid up members of Boards.ie. Join the club.

One-Liner Jokes

1…157158160162163…203

Comments

  • #4772
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,819 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/Browtweaten/status/1481341755870138368
    https://twitter.com/Browtweaten/status/1475892430671163400


    ...



  • #4773
    gormdubhgorm
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,747 ✭✭✭✭gormdubhgorm


    I heard that a fella fell into the vat of whiskey..... he bravely fought off twelve of his rescuers.

    Guff about stuff, and stuff about guff.



  • #4774
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,050 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118495182#Comment_118495182

    I heard he was cremated.


    And it took three days to put out the fire.



  • #4775
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,431 ✭✭✭trashcan


    I bought a chicken last week to make some sandwiches. It doesn’t. It just sh**ts on the floor.



  • #4776
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,572 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I scared the postman today by showing up to the door fully naked. I’m not sure what scared him more, the fact I was fully naked or the fact I knew where he lived.



  • Advertisement
  • #4777
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,654 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I just met the head of the Indian Maffia.


    Poppa Don

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #4778
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,431 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Restrictions lifted

    Extra Bank Holiday

    Meatloaf alive,


    Well, two out of three ain’t bad.



  • #4779
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,330 ✭✭✭Deregos.
    Time to put childish things aside.


    Bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.



  • #4780
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,431 ✭✭✭trashcan


    I’ve just been diagnosed with the new COVID variant. It’s being called the peek-a-boo variant. I’m being transferred to ICU.



  • #4781
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the london underground. We went from Barking to tooting in half an hour!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • #4782
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If I had a Euro for every time a girl told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4783
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it's a Dart Board on a ceiling.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4784
    Worztron
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,958 ✭✭✭Worztron


    I have a fear of overly intricate buildings... I have a complex complex complex.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4785
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,330 ✭✭✭Deregos.
    Time to put childish things aside.


    I’m reading the latest novel by Stephen King in Braille and something bad is about to happen . . . I can feel it.



  • #4786
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4787
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,330 ✭✭✭Deregos.
    Time to put childish things aside.


    Bought a new desk from IKEA and it said on the side "SELF ASSEMBLY" I took it out of the box, sat and watched it for hours . . . It didn't do anything!



  • #4788
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,819 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/govindajeggy/status/1487384544474972164


    ...



  • #4789
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

    So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm,

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4790
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,043 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Vladimir Putin arriving at airport passport check.

    Guard: "Occupation?"

    Putin: "No, Just visiting. "



  • #4791
    dilallio
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,728 ✭✭✭dilallio


    The guy who invented Velcro died yesterday.

    RIP



  • Advertisement
  • #4792
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not water proof.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4793
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Where to Egyptians go when they have a sore back?

    The Cairo-practor

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4794
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,050 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    King Tut was only 1 meter tall. But he was a good ruler.



  • #4795
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,819 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    I've a Mexican friend, he lives in England and I occasionally visit for a long weekend.

    One time when I arrive, he was out on the back lawn with a croquet mallet, a shovel, onions, tomatoes, jalapeños, avocados and a lime.

    Apparently he was making whackamole.



  • #4796
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I saw elvis in Woodies earlier today.................Returned a Sander.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4797
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My ex tells everybody that I really knew how to push her buttons.

    I tell them if that were true she would have been on Mute !

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4798
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My pet Siberian Hamster died today..........he fell asleep at the wheel

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4799
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,330 ✭✭✭Deregos.
    Time to put childish things aside.


    My girlfriend can no longer attend next weeks 'Innuendo Seminar' in Muff. . . so I have to fill her slot instead.



  • #4800
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Even though I'm now bald I still carry around my old comb,I just can't part with it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • #4801
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,043 ✭✭✭xlogo



    I typed "Missing medieval servant" into Google and it came up with "Page not found"



Advertisement