What's the etiquette here??

AckwelFoley · 10-01-2022 7:59pm

Complete loss of taste and smell today.

Dumped a solid 8 out of 10 and got **** nothing.

Imagine lighting the finest cigar and not being able to smell it.

Absolutely gutted.

Pray for a brother 🙏

Brendan Bendar · 11-01-2022 12:47pm

Sluiced out a a fine chunky log this am, shot out like a three man bob, and held together nicely.

Good flush and a tip of the tablet corner sent her away with minimum fuss.

Just a small bit of ‘sedge’ on the Kittensoft, few kiwi seeds an that.

KieferFan69 · 11-01-2022 1:23pm

Anybody wipe their hole with their mask yet? I’ve a white cotton mask and gave it a run along the landing strip the other day when I was distracted in the work bog. Huge tawny skid mark with chia granules left across the fecker. Couldn’t flush him so had to fish it out and dispose of in bin. Straight to the kitchenette then for a disposable.

Brendan Bendar · 11-01-2022 10:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118454877#Comment_118454877

Not a good lad in a crisis Kay…… just turn the fcuker inside out, now there might be a ‘giff’ of

cheap brisket and pesto of it for a while, but a good mask saved lad.

Hold the head dude.

AckwelFoley · 11-01-2022 10:21pm

What's the strangest thing you wiped your hole with?

I've used:

- Grass (not that uncommon I suppose)

- The inner of a toilet roll..end part, scraping motion

- Sanitary towel, grand and soft

- a pair of tights. One night stand with a stranger. Her gaff, her tights may i also add

- a pair of my own socks

Most unusual was a Teddy bear. Flight to America, 2002 from London to Logan. Awful dose. Ran out of bog roll, used what ever papers and duty free receipts I had, began to panic and there was still more cleaning to do. Couldn't sit for a further 2 hours beside the missus smelling of shite when like a little gift from the heavens looked up at me from the floor beneath me, a little black and white panda 🐻 He was smaller that my had but just big enough to buff off the soiled area.

Great traction on him and ideal size to dispose of.

StevenToast · 11-01-2022 10:25pm

*edit .....Black and white and brown panda!

I have used dock leaves a good number of times....however, the greatest thing to wash your arsehole with is a bidet...you'd be a new man after it....

They are all the rage in Brazil and Japan....dont know why we dont have more of them here....it'd save some amount of shìtroll going down the pan....

A good spray of warm water around your ringpiece followed by a few dabs of toilet paper to dry.....

You wouldnt fear any shìt anymore....

Brendan Bendar · 12-01-2022 6:30am

2000 Zim dollars at the Kazangula border station.

12-01-2022 1:20pm

On a bit of a ‘health buzz’ the past 10 days after a Christmas of heavy Guinness and food consumption.

Just shunted out an absolute dam buster into the en-suite facility. Absolute monster of a thing. Took two flushes to get rid of it, and wasn’t far off needing the old clothes hanger treatment.

Now feel as empty as my betting account after a bad few days in Leopardstown.

Sgt Hartman · 15-01-2022 12:27pm

After an evening on the Lomza Unpasteurized beer I had to drop a sizeable load this morning when I got up. I forgot to line the water with toilet paper and ended up getting the dreaded "Poseidon's Kiss" as a result.

https://youtu.be/_eTsrtZdAJc

Slideways · 18-01-2022 9:29am

Captains log, entry 598630

Felt an intense pressure on the brown cherry and made me way to the ensuite. Plink plink, two cat sized hard schits. Not what I was expecting and if I’m being honest with myself, in hindsight, there may have been some residual pressure on the bulkhead

Lord have mercy on my poor suffering drawstring. 5 mins later there was an intense and immediate need to evacuate. I rushed to the dunny and unleashed a wet cake mix of a loaf that had the nose hairs curling up in a nano second. Does arse stench travel as the speed of sound cause it sure felt like it was perceived in unison to the delivery.

I feel fairly shaken by the whole experience. A slice of white bread and a lie down is what’s called for now

Brendan Bendar · 18-01-2022 5:39pm

Bury the scuds atter that experience Mr S.

You will never get the fent of that ‘unload’ out of them.

Just sayin”

padd b1975 · 19-01-2022 5:46pm

First inch was a bit "stubborn" this morning following a mega mixed grill the previous evening.

Eventually got the evacuation completed with a bit of a grimace.

Life goes on.

Nevin Parsnipp · 19-01-2022 11:59pm

Indeed !

Hosed out a thick baton of "sour" this morn while running late for my morning Tee time....was concerned she wouldn't take the bend and ruin my pre game warm up.

Thankfully she slipped under and just left me with extensive skiddies to clean....took the lavvy brush to them and cleared them quickly.

Lovely relaxed warm up prior to game and shot a creditable 35 points.

Best prep for the serious golfer is a good warm up and a sh1te.....an old pro gave me that advice once....

padd b1975 · 20-01-2022 12:22am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118503477#Comment_118503477

Most likely Christy jnr. RIP.

Definitely not Eamonn Darcy, always struck me as a bound up individual who regularly blamed his caddy for basically everything.

Nevin Parsnipp · 20-01-2022 12:44am

No twas an old teaching pro...of rather stout shape.

Looked like a dude who could push out a few rounds of sour dung most of the time.

Blew out a fart during one lesson that could have started a shotgun tourney.

Great teacher though.....

Slideways · 20-01-2022 1:15am

I’d say Shane Lowry would be no stranger to punting out a big black Guinness shyte of a Monday morning after a successful weekends play

20-01-2022 6:18pm

Myrtle Beach Chicken Wing Champion for the past 7 years I’ve heard.

Slideways · 21-01-2022 9:27am

Schitting through the eye of a needle again.., FML

You the man · 21-01-2022 10:39am

You poor poor individual..

Bog roll into the freezer for you mo chara..

easygoing39 · 21-01-2022 11:29am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118510212#Comment_118510212

Hole like a Jap flag!!

21-01-2022 12:22pm

I’d give the male jacks in McDonald’s East Wall Road a wide berth for a while folks.

Was heading up the Alfie Byrne Road when I got a sudden and violent set of cramps down in the plumbing. Nearly left the engine running I was so panicked by the time I parked up in the Lidl carpark.

Bounded up the stairs and was doing the old clamp, run, and belt unbuckle routine as I made my way to the cubicle. Shelved a fair bit of product I’m not going to lie, and those water saving commodes aren’t worth a fück for “wholesale deliveries”.

CGI_Livia_Soprano · 21-01-2022 1:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118511177#Comment_118511177

Thoughts and prayers.

EmmetSpiceland · 21-01-2022 1:15pm

Honestly, since the start of the new year I’ve had a bad run of it. Not necessarily the dumps, themselves, more the clean ups. Every one has either been a moussey mess or like wiping a marker. My arse must have been puce!

That is, until today. Last night I was venting gas and the description I got back was ‘oh god, that smells like blue cheese!’. Did not go down well. After a number of these hot, rank, ventings I felt the need to use the pot.

Made my excuses and off I went. No real concerns, dropped trou, full sit, no bother. Next thing I felt a hard rumble. Very disconcerting. It reached the badge and just seemed to stop. I gave a push. Nothing. Another. Nothing. Then I tried really giving it a go but gave up after I started “seeing stars” a bit.

Was very strange, as it was right there. I could feel it. Anyway, did the tried and trusted, gripped behind the knees, started a gentle rocking and really gave it what for. The next thing I know my backside is coughing out this, plum sized, rounded turd, followed by pure liquid. Just fell through in one go.

The clean up was more a “drying off” than anything else and earlier this morning I dropped a textbook jobby with a standard cleanup. Lovely stuff.

Happy Friday, everyone!

cj maxx · 22-01-2022 12:51pm

For the 3rd time this fortnight I could feel a coming. Dashed to the toilet and sat down , Just in time to release a loose bucket load of something that looked like molasses, only slightly looser. Running a risk every time I have a coffee !

Brendan Bendar · 22-01-2022 3:54pm

Big trouble down at the golf club recently….

It seems Agnatha the once reliable cleaning lady had gotten into the habit of

abandoning the mop and bucket at the door of the gents shïtters and kind of ‘disappearing with a ‘Cleaning in progress’ sign set up.

This was at the hours of peak ‘production’ 0930-1130 when the breakfasts were released.

Anyway, seems a thick chod of solid sour midden with runny ‘after s’ was released into the bucket

and poor Aggie was traumatized when lifting out the mop.

Inquiry in progress, tee sheet for those times examined, serious consequences promised…………

Will keep the thread advised …….

22-01-2022 10:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118517358#Comment_118517358

Sounds like one of those parklands 'up past the airport'. Definitely not any of the links courses anyway. Can't imagine the CoI Bishop of Dublin unloading the ghost of last night's dinner into a aluminium bucket outside the well appointed facilities down at the Island for example.

Are they testing the sample for clues as to its composition? Bombay mix, microwavable cheese burger, dangerously strong Eastern European lager, Fray Bentos steak and kidney pie etc?

26-01-2022 2:01pm

Carries a maximum of 18 stone so not suitable for Brendan or Nevin, but might be of interest to any other readers considering some home improvements this year.

Brendan Bendar · 26-01-2022 3:14pm

I’m afraid you are well off the mark Dr.

No way the Brenner would ‘blow the guts’ whilst being ‘hoisted’ up a stairs.

Fcuking experience in Lidl recently was on the up escalator behind a bewer in a tweed skirt.

About three quarter wAy up her kneees twitched a bit and she blew out a burst af arse gas that would stagger a pack of African Hunting dogs.

Not a bother on her, even gave a few ‘toot toots’ as she stepped off the escalator.

Was t surprised when I saw her at the salami and bratwurst after……….with a bag full of cut price chorizo packets.

Pure rank…….

AckwelFoley · 27-01-2022 4:15pm

Anyone have a theme tune when you march proudly to the throne.

For the last 10 years or so, for what ever reason best known to my inner self it's

"Im gonna knock you out" by LL Cool J

Lyrics slightly altered of course to:

"I'm gonna knock one out"

Every. Time.

tgdaly · 27-01-2022 5:22pm

Maybe 'You Dropped A Bomb On Me' by The Gap Band would be a good fit for someone

"You turn me out, you turn me on

You turned me loose then you turned me wrong

You dropped a bomb on me

Baby, you dropped a bomb on me"

What's the etiquette here??

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