Coercive and Controlling Behaviour

Thank you, I have been procrastinating with this for some time as I have only realised how caught up in the control that I am. This is my first time to do so online/offline so I may be too late. I will need to get a handwritten diary/journal in a lockbox (thanks for an action to take today).

Thank you Mod, I have engaged a solicitor this week due to the escalation in terms of the effect on my relationship with my daughter and looming separation. The Coercive Control was only briefly mentioned in terms of the effect on the relationship with my daughter.

Interesting point on access to my daughter, I have seen how my wife and her mother operate with my step daughter. The poor father never stood a chance until October 2021 when a judge in the family court saw through the long list of excuses being rolled out on a continuous basis over the previous years as to why my stepdaughter couldn't make the access: not feeling well, COVID, being scared etc. My mother in law would continue to pull up at school to collect when he tried to pick his daughter up as per the access agreement so as to make my stepdaughter feel like my mother in law was there as the "better" option. I supported my wife in all her court appearances for access, maintenance etc but when we left court that day I had lost all faith in her! My stepdaughter is beautiful I should mention by the way - she was a gift and I have known her since she was 3 year sold.

Thank you - that's a good summary and we're on the same page! The problem at this stage is that I don't stand a chance with the 2 against 1 scenario. Unfortunately, if 1 of the 2 goes they both go!

Recording conversations is interesting. I am struggling to have a conversation without monosyllabic responses and I guess she must be thinking the same even though that has not been the case to date!

Spot on for the first 2 points and thank you!

Reminding all involved will just be met with deaf ears or a long list of excuses. I'll ask the solicitor about that point on moving our child without my permission. My solicitor can be quite frank in thinking along the lines of 'resistance is futile.' He has reminded me that the mother is deemed to be the primary carer by the Irish courts albeit it's actually the grandmother who is performing this role while my wife runs her own professional business (limited to 9-17:30) and yet claims she has to do everything when it comes to the kids as I work long hours (9-19:00/20:00) also as a professional). It's hard but I have seen other professional couples succeed without handing over their parenting duties outside of work hours. Also, when it comes to settlement my wife may push for more, the more I resist.

The guardianship of my step-daughter did come up at various points along the way but perhaps we were ill informed in believing that we needed the consent of her father. Thank you, I'll check this albeit it may be too late.

I'm onto it and I'm getting a plan together. I have a well experienced (>30 years) and straight talking solicitor.

Hi there,

Thank you so much for all your suggestions, support and understanding. You really seem to get where I'm coming from. I don't know whether that's from experience or otherwise but it is quite remarkable. I am guessing that the nickname 'Loueze' is a take on 'Louise' indicating you may be female which is also a great perspective to have in all of this of course. I have been receiving counselling support from Men's Aid and ironically nearly everyone I have dealt with has been female and hugely support and empathetic.

What I mean by 'whitewash' is that all of the coercive control that I have been under for a number of years and the lasting damage done to the relationship with my daughters is suddenly washed away and there's a clean slate for my wife as she is deemed (by a judge/the legal system) to have created a 'solution' (further limiting my access) that 'resolves' (sweeps under the carpet) the coercive control. On top of that she will be able to come along and take 40-50% of my assets (property in my name and pension property) despite the assets being acquired many years previously and no contribution towards them despite also being a professional capable of earning the same if not more than me (given that her mum is effectively acting as a third and dominant parent). She has also accumulated a large pot of savings which are ringfenced from/not shared with me I might add. My solicitor has stated that I will have no claim on her business and it will not be treated as an asset by the court.

I have witnessed the custody experience with regards to my stepdaughter and her father and it has as ended up as you say. I feel now for that father as I realise that when my wife described him as controlling it was either he was controlling and she has adopted his behaviours or it was her that was the controlling one all along (more inclined to go with this version from what I have witnessed). My wife's previous mother-in-law's parting words when I met her years ago were 'she's (my wife) a woman who doesn't take no for an answer.' I took it with a pinch of salt at the time due to it being early in the relationship and the animosity at the time but looking back I see what she means now.

The claiming and counter claiming is a problem alright. I have been told that if I do go to An Garda Síochána alleging coercive control that she will concoct counter claims and have her mother as a witness.

Many (including my solicitor) have said that resolving things amicably is the best way forward and always mentioning for the benefit of my daughter. I feel that pursuing coercive control is important (with a high risk that I don't meet the legal bar required) to remove my mother (unfortunately by default at this stage, my wife) in law's toxic/matriarchal influence on the family in the immediate short term and protect against a heightened level of remote coercive control where my daughter's head with be filled with a negative views about me as I have witnessed with my stepdaughter and her father. My wife and her mother were applying a long list of excuses and techniques to disrupt and prevent my stepdaughter's father from having his visits with his daughter. A new judge in the Family Court cut through the smokescreen and told my wife that any further attempts at messing with the access would see her brought before the court again and he would take a very dim view and he also granted more favourable access to my stepdaughter's father. There has been a sharp correction by my wife since then.

My account of event of events is true and fair. Fair point on sympathy but thank you for sharing.

I have been advised no to go for the throat by my solicitor as he said to me "here's a thin file of a client that got divorced for say €5k costs and here's a thick file of a client who got divorced for say €50k costs and I told the client with €50k costs that his case should only cost €5k but he wanted to have the fight and we ended up settling on the original terms with the other party that would have resulted in €5k costs." I do feel strongly about the coercive control and find it frustrating that there needs to be a physical abuse element or relentless pursuit and hounding of someone to meet the legal bar for coercive control to be recognised. The fact that I have not been allowed to take my 4 and a half year old daughter to the shops, park, school etc. more times than the fingers on one hand in her entire life is just plain and simple coercive control never mind the long list of other parental alienation techniques being used etc.

I have engaged, thanked and provided lengthy updates to come comments and in no way disingenuous. If there are points that are raised that help if/when this goes to court that I would feel that this is a natural outcome of sharing my personal life (albeit somewhat anonymously to date) in such detail.

Hi there Mod, it's unfortunate that from our first exchange of posts that you have sought to close out/limit the conversation when it is a highly difficult and emotive topic in life to deal with for anyone caught up in coercive control and controlling behaviour. Life evolves and there is no one black and white answer which I sense is what you are pushing for.

Can I ask what you are looking for advice on?

-> From the outset, I asked if there were enough compelling reasons as to whether I should go to An Garda Síochána based on the experience of anyone reading my posts. The legal path is obscure in this regard and there are other consequences to consider.

Your solicitor has given you advice on gathering proof for the coercive control claim. This is obviously something that is required. Otherwise people could just make baseless claims. It’s unclear whether you want to accuse your wife of coercive control, or your mother-in-law, or both.

-> Both

Are you going to bring the accusation to the gardai?

-> I am on the verge but conscious I may not have enough evidence or compelling reasons. My solicitor does not seem to have the experience in this complex area so I will need to get a second opinion in a very short space of time.

What outcome are you looking toward?

-> Legal protection for my daughter and I

Removing your wife and/or mother in law from your life?

-> No as this is not possible when children are involved, removing their coercive control and controlling behaviours.

Getting sole/joint custody/weekend access to your daughter?

-> Sole custody, giving up on my current career path.

There has to be more than just not bringing your child to the shop or playground in 4 years. You’ve already mentioned financial control, yet then said your wife has no access to your finances.

-> My wife has said to me that the only way things can work out is if I have my salary sent to her. I pay the lion's share of expenses with my wife picking and choosing what she wants to pay, I have poured c.€90k of earnings into doing up the house and I am sitting on c. €200-250k in positive equity and a pension property - you could say there's a lot on the line here!

** The meaning and understanding sometimes gets lost in trying to oversimplify complex issues... IMO **

In a further update,on Wednesday night, my wife has now changed her mind from seeking an investment property & mortgage in her own name (with me signing off on the property not being a family home) as some of the inheritance money is not going to be available from her mother due to unforeseen circumstances. She has now asked me to co-sign a mortgage for €525k so that she can live in a different property (new family home for everyone except me) with her mother and the kids. In trying to sell the idea to me she said that we would remain friends and no need to go down the separation/divorce route...