Husband has occasional cocaine benders

Cobain · 14-02-2022 11:25pm #1

Hello all,

I would be greatful for some advice as I am at my wits end. My husband of 10 years has occasional drink and coke binges and refuses to stop. So I recently found out that he has been dabbling with cocaine for the past 15 years.this would happen every 2 months he would go out with the lads and Forget to come home. He would apologise and promise to stop. We have two kids and he is a wonderful dad and husband when sober. These binges happen every few months and he just lets himself down when they do occur. I have asked him to go to counselling/addiction services but he thinks its not a problem because it only happens every 2 months.I don't confide in my family or friends about this issue because I would hate for people to think bad of him.I have asked him to leave twice in the past after a particularly heavy session but after a few days he returned promising that he was on the straight and narrow.He tells me I'm totally overreacting and coke is not a big deal. Im a nurse so I know different! Any advice/thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Jequ0n · 14-02-2022 11:37pm

So you were ok with him going on, presumably, alcohol binges and not come home, but coke is the deal breaker?

I can’t see why this would be worse, but then I have nothing against coke in the first place.

Cobain · 14-02-2022 11:42pm

No I was never OK with any of the binges. I suppose I've only recently found out that coke was always in the mix hence not coming home until 5 or 6 am the next morning.

sporina · 15-02-2022 12:46am

i wonder, is he using Coke only once every 2 mths? its highly addictive apparently.. he could be using it more often.. and its €€€ also.. my heart goes out to you.. not cool

Effects · 15-02-2022 12:52am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118632576#Comment_118632576

Some people use it regularly, and some people only every couple of months. For example, an older, married man with two kids, might go on the odd bender, but not use it every week.

Strumms · 15-02-2022 12:56am

Cocaine…

1) is illegal

2) is manufactured with zero quality control

3) is more addictive then alcohol, cannabis or heroin

4) fuels the profits of gangsters and organised crime…

coke would certainly be a dealbreaker.

he needs to get a grip of his priorities.

Amadan Dubh · 15-02-2022 1:08am

It sounds like he is a functioning addict if he has to go hard every two months. If you push him strongly enough, he should give it up because it just doesn't fit in with his family life.

Confront him with a proposition where he has to choose between the family life with you or the binges, that it is the ultimatum and if he finds it so hard to quit the binges then you know that he is an addict and/or isn't happy with his life with you. Don't fight him on it, just say that he can enjoy his binges if that's what he wants but you won't stay with him so it's solely his choice, you aren't stopping him go on binges, you just don't want to be with someone who is like that.

Cobain · 15-02-2022 10:16am

Thank you all I know deep down that he will never change. I've given numerous ultimatums over the years and he has always worked his way back to us. I just needed to hear it from a third party.

shesty · 15-02-2022 10:28am

You're a nurse - you know.

Are the kids aware of this? Because if they aren't now, they will be in time. Are you ok with this? "I know you're getting up for school and Dad isn't home yet, but he will be in a while...", and then watching him recover for the next few days from it?

He clearly can't stay off it, I guess then it is up to you to decide that he can stay or go if that is the life he wants to lead. I feel for you OP. It would be a total deal breaker for me, especially if there were kids involved. Because it's not just about him and his binges, it's also about what the kids see and hear and are exposed to, and that would not be ok by me.

fits · 15-02-2022 10:33am

I don’t think it’s an addiction issue here. It’s what his friends do to socialise and it’s pretty common. Albeit a nasty drug and goodness knows where it came from or how it got here

however it would be absolutely a deal breaker for me too even without the cocaine. You just can’t be going on benders like that and disappearing and then spending days recovering when you have young children.

jim o doom · 15-02-2022 10:33am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118633267#Comment_118633267

Can't say this is accurate. I know a few people who have dabbled with various drugs down the years, including similar, semi-regular use of coke.

Some are still using it, others have completely ceased using it. One guy stopped at about 39 when he had his first kid, another friend stopped using it at 41 because he was concerned about how it was affecting him.

That said, I still have some friends who use it occaisionally.

There are no hard and fast rules, a comment on a boards.ie thread doesn't mean that he will "never change". Many people who are seriously addicted to various drugs manage to get clean.

Cobain · 15-02-2022 12:06pm

His friends are the party every week type,all single all partake in coke and that's OK for them. After a heavy session my husband is recovering for a week or two with a chest or sinus infection and generally catching up with sleep. He avoids any conversation with me because he doesn't think its a problem.Look everyone is entitled to a night out but not to the extent that it effects family life.

Caranica · 15-02-2022 12:07pm

Why do you keep letting him come back. He's showing his weakness in these binges but you're showing yours in constantly backing down. He knows you won't stick to your word so he'll keep doing this. You can't change him but you can change you. Consequences have to be real for them to have any impact on him.

con___manx1 · 15-02-2022 12:16pm

I never seen the appeal of coke myself. Done it plenty of times over the years. Wouldnt be bothered now.

If your husband only does it every few months should be no problem for him to stop. That is if he hasnt got a secret coke addiction.

Keep an eye on him.

manonboard · 15-02-2022 12:18pm

Im sorry your husband is a drug addict. That must be really tough. I've dated a couple in the past too. One about 12 years ago, then a girlfriend of couple years ago developed an addiction to medication she needed to take.

Its incredibly easy to soften our view on it, because we fear the consequences of acknowledging that truth. You've actually already fallen into that pattern already. I just want to make sure you are aware of it.

You say he is a good husband and partner when sober. You just separated him into two separate people. One that you think is the husband you like, and the other a husband that manifests when the drugs are present/used. No, you are attempting to separate them because acknowledging the addict as your husband one in all, is just a coping/escape mechanism.

You also are not sharing this with your friends and family, and say its to defend him from the bad judgements. Now you are covering up for him. You likely have shame and thats completely understandable. Its also likely a way to hide what your friends and family would tell you. By covering up his addiction, you are also now enabling him so be aware that you are already part of the problem. It happens very slowly, and feels like good intentions, but covering up for an addict is part of the problem. It allows them to continue it easier, and is obviously part of the enabling process.

If you are lying to your family and friends, i know its hard to admit, but you also need to acknowledge your husband is likely lying to you too. Its quite ignorant (and i mean that in the nicest possible way) to think that you lie to your family but your family is not lying to you. There are things going on that you likely dont know about, and even when they come out, it will be blamed on the drugs, or one time things, or not the real him etc. Its all part of the problem.

If you have provided ultimatums, which were healthy ones, and he 'worked his way back into us'.. no, you were not good enough at your boundaries and you have work to do in that area. He is meeting his needs just fine. He has a wife that loves him, supports him, covers up for him, and gets to go on drug benders to cover up his unresolved traumas and problems. She eventually always takes him back, and he gets to have everything.

Now listen op, I want to make sure you know i have nothing but respect for how hard you must have been trying so far. Im just trying to be as direct as possible based on my own experience. Both of my partners eventually recovered, one i have a strong friendship with, but both recovered long after our relationship ended and they had to learn to face the consequences of thier own actions. Protecting addicts from consequences makes you an enabler, and i know you have good reasons for it. People unfortunately dont change unless there is negative motivation to stop doing something harmful. Protecting them stops the learning process from occuring.

I wish you all the very best with whatever you decide to do or not to do.

jim o doom · 15-02-2022 12:18pm

I'm not excusing the dudes behaviour, I'm just saying that people can and do change all the time, and they certainly do cure themselves of addiction and related behaviour.

It sounds like he has issues that need to be addressed, I just wouldn't take the lack of the addressing his issues at this point to mean he won't change, or that your marriage is unsalvagable now.

Comments from people about his weakness or your weakness do not come from a place of compassion or knowledge. Again - people can and do change all the time, suggesting they don't is madness. We'd never have ex acoholics and ex drug users if that was the case.

Jequ0n · 15-02-2022 12:32pm

I guess only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker for you, and whether you are willing to continue living like this.

I can’t see how the opinions of strangers online make a difference here. Sounds like you’ve been at this point many times but both parties always reverted back to their default behaviour. Ultimately only you can decide if you are willing to accept this any longer

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The purpose of PI is to seek advice and opinion from strangers online.

Quitelife · 15-02-2022 12:37pm

This cocaine your husband takes ultimately comes from some scum bag who could possibly put any poison into it and do your husband and others serious damage . On top of this if your husband goes on a mega cocaine binge or develops a more frequent usage he could well spend a lot of money ye may not have and then you'll have scum bags threatening to burn your house down or else get a loan from the credit union or bank to pay them back . Not the type of world im sure you want to be part of.

Give it up or get out would be my call to your husband .

Thelonious Monk · 15-02-2022 12:46pm

Some really OTT stuff in here. Your husband is not an addict, he enjoys doing coke once in a while, a ridiculous amount of the population of Ireland does these days. I have dabbled with most things over the years, coke does leave you wrecked the next day, or two even, if you go heavy on the stuff, so the older you get the more you should steer clear of it.

Would you be ok if he went out once every couple of months with his friends without doing coke? I understand you can have a problem with him doing illegal drugs but I would have no problem with my partner going out like this once in a while if they just got up the next days and got on with things as usual. Lying around moaning about it is not on, he's making his own bed here.

People going on about your house being burnt down because he does a few lines now and again, some people are so out of touch.

Cobain · 15-02-2022 12:56pm

Thank you,this really hit home for me. I feel like a fraud; to the outside world we have it all. I know I am enabling his behaviour by giving in to him. I'm just so reluctant to finally call a halt to our marriage for the sake of our kids. Yes a sense of shame definitely exists people will talk etc we live in a small place. Will try to talk to him tonight.

15-02-2022 12:59pm

NO you are NOT a fraud. Stop flagelating yourself like that now. Some good advice in this thread so far OP.

USE some of it!

notAMember · 15-02-2022 1:05pm

For me , the deal breaker in this isn't even his own health, or the pressure it put your family, or the money. It's that it is morally horrendous. It's trafficked in here causing harm to drug mules, driving criminal activity, funding warlords.

Personally, I couldn't tolerate living with someone who had such a low moral standard. Who didn't give a toss about abuse or harm they cause.

turbot · 15-02-2022 1:09pm

Cocaine will literally bring out the worst in a person over time - and turn them into a worser sociopath narcissist.

It is highly addictive and habit forming - and "not that bad" until it is. I've known a few brilliant people who gradually turned into wretched a-holes from coke. Coke also makes a person feel confident without being competent.

If his friends take it as part of their drinking sessions - he is probably influenced by their collective perceptions. This also means, unless they stop taking it OR he stops sessioning with them, things are unlikely to change.

I suggest you frame it as follows:

UNLESS he stops this, he is choosing a course of action that THREATENS your marriage over time SO you're better off minimising damage earlier and then ASK HIM what he wants more?

XsApollo · 15-02-2022 1:10pm

So he is a wonderful father and husband.

goes on a night out that goes a bit overboard once in a while, he doesn’t become abusive or anything like that I’m taking it from the OP?

Probably sleeps it off for a day or 2.

so you basically want your husband to stop or you will break the marriage up?

that night out every couple of months is probably a de stresser for him, blow off the 2 months of being teetotal and doing everything else brilliantly.

some of the responses are a bit overboard.

id say 50% of people in pubs with music and night clubs are on coke or something other than alchohol , the number is more than likely higher.

yea maybe he should make it home the same night.

theteal · 15-02-2022 1:11pm

Sorry for your trouble OP. There are definite decisions to be made, I can't fathom the kids being near that. "Forget to come home" my balls!

The thoughts of a proper session every two months actually makes my head hurt - I think I'm lucky to get one a year (sans powder, never my thing) and that's probably a wedding. . . .with the wife in tow.

I do have a few passing friends that would be partial to a sniff (still living with mammy at almost 40 types), my kids will never meet them.

Ash.J.Williams · 15-02-2022 1:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118633994#Comment_118633994

he's not a drug addict, i'm more concerned about you and why all your ex's turn to narcotics

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Warned for Breach of Charter. Not PI appropriate

15-02-2022 1:18pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118634275#Comment_118634275

No, the OP said hes a great husband and father....... when hes sober!

He goes out on benders quite regularly and often doesnt come home and when he does it fairly useless for a couple of days. This absolutely isnt okay in his situation, regardless of if its coke or just drink or anything else.

To add to this the OP has said several times shes not okay with it and its effecting the family and marriage and he's done nothing about it. Everyone needs to blow off some steam now and again but this guy needs to grow the hell up and take responsibility and realize he's not the single party man his mates are.

OP time to lay it out flat that this isnt okay and is destroying the family, what he does with that will show you his character, although it seems hes already shown it. Last chance for this guy

Ljmscooter · 15-02-2022 1:24pm

you need to check your bank account, and mortgage payments,

Jequ0n · 15-02-2022 1:59pm

A lot of stereotyping on this thread, OP. Don’t let the moral judgement get to you and try to focus on what you want/ cannot accept and take it from there.

Cobain · 15-02-2022 2:00pm

Financially we are sound have always kept separate accounts etc bills mortgage paid.Yes coke is not an every week occurrence. He does drink most nights 2 to 3 beers or spirits and more at the weekend. Drink has always been a crutch for him. Yes there is a lot of unresolved trauma in his life but he is unwilling to talk to anyone about it . I'm not much of a drinker but we do go out together occasionally and have a great time. He is never abusive , great with the kids and does his fair share and i absolutely adore him. I know coke is everywhere,it's just not in the life I envisioned for us.

html6 · 15-02-2022 2:07pm

Up and leave. You need to be ruthless. You've already warned him. Take the kids with you.

Every 2 months you're hoping he doesn't OD, have a heart attack or a stroke. He also directly or indirectly put himself, you and your kids in harms way when he does this. Also he is depriving your household when you need to pay mortgages, bills etc. And also taking money away from his kids???????????

Only return to him when he SHOWS you that he is willing to change. This maybe counselling and/or telling his and your family that he has been using.

You being a nurse having to put up with all the s**t over the last couple of year (worldwide virus). You don't need this as well.

rolling boh · 15-02-2022 2:14pm

I would say your husband's priorities are wrong here he is not a single man and has a family to consider . His behaviour for me is unacceptable and is not in keeping with someone with the responsibility he has .This habit he has will affect yours and the children's lives at some point . He could change with some professional help and he needs to engage with someone in that area .For him to stop you may have to force the issue .Best of luck .

LawBoy2018 · 15-02-2022 2:18pm

You would be crazy to turn your life upside down because your husband dabbles with cocaine one in every blue moon. Why does it matter?

He's a great dad, you're financially sound and seem to have an otherwise healthy relationship. Don't be stupid and ruin all of that for something as trivial as a seasonal night out with old friends (who happen to take cocaine).

Widdensushi · 15-02-2022 2:37pm

Since you have been in a relationship with him, married ten years so a long time, he goes on a session every two or you say every few months so five or six times a year and comes home at five or six am, i don't think is that big a deal, i presume there is the odd stag or friends birthday or something included in that, i don't think you should take any action on advice from a stranger on the Internet but i wouldn't go jeopardising your and children's future relationship with your husband over something he has been doing since you met him, especially as it doesn't seem to be escalating. The old saying "a man marries a woman and hopes she won't change, a woman marries a man in the hope of changing him" obviously that is a loose saying as situations, responsibilities change over time, but I do think it slightly applies, please don't rush away with some of the extreme advice that you have received on here.

LawBoy2018 · 15-02-2022 2:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118634312#Comment_118634312

How is he destroying his family you nutter? The OP would be destroying her family by calling it quits because her husband occasionally has fun with his friends lol. Maybe the OP could negotiate with him and ask that he only takes cocaine once or twice per year, instead of three or four times per year.

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Warned for Breach of Charter

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XsApollo · 15-02-2022 3:39pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118634312#Comment_118634312

Read her posts.

you can spin it that way if you like.

or spin it this way.

great husband and father, financially sound and amazing with the kids and helps out at home and adored by his wife.

goes out once every 2 months with the lads.

Seems like they have a perfect relationship bar the fact that he goes out once every 2 months.

this is directed at the Quoted post and not the OP.

15-02-2022 3:51pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118634689#Comment_118634689

Read the posts from the OP. Hes destroying the family because his behavior that he refuses to change or even address, has the OP questioning the relationship they have and in fact has already asked him to leave twice due to it.

We wont engage with her on the issue to even negotiate. If he did and they could come to a compromise then maybe it would help things.

seamus · 15-02-2022 4:23pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118634673#Comment_118634673

As with most relationships it's a matter of expectations. If I go out drinking, my wife expects that I will arrive home at some point after the pubs close. That she will wake up in the morning and I will be there. And I may not be in tip-top form, but that I will, given a couple of hours, be back to functioning like a normal human being.

If a night out regularly turned into, "I am going out at 6pm and I may arrive home at some point tomorrow where I'm going to be in the house and getting in the way, but you can't really expect me to be of much use till after dinner", then that's not really cool.

But even so, if that's the plan, then that's the expectation that should be set. And if one partner is not happy with a hungover mess languishing on the couch while the kids are running around, then the one going out should be making alternative arrangements. "I'm going to stay at my Dad's tonight, I'll see you tomorrow".

Or not getting themselves into that state in the first place.

It sounds like in the OP's case the husband goes out on the promise that they'll be home at a reasonable time, but every now and again he goes off on one without notice and just doesn't appear. That's not cool. A phone call, a text, maybe? Even the self-awareness that his partner is going to be left holding the kids tomorrow and now has to change all her plans because he's decided he wants to get wrecked instead.

When you have kids, you don't get to just do whatever the **** you want. If you do, someone else has to pick up the pieces. If someone continually allows that to happen, then they become a millstone around their family's neck. It is far easier to be a parent knowing that it is just you looking after the kids, rather than having an unreliable fvckup making and breaking promises all the time. If that's the OP's relationship then she needs to consider if it's worth having him around, or if they'd all be better off in a position where he can go off and get fvcked up without making a balls of everyone else's day.

XsApollo · 15-02-2022 4:32pm

Nobody forgets to come home really.

I don’t think his actions are destroying a family , his wife might not like it, his actions in itself wouldn’t be a description I would use or many others to describe that as destroying the family.

His wife doesn’t like it, is now threatening to break up if he doesn’t stop.

she could be destroying the family because she can’t accept maybe he wants to go out every couple of months with his mates.

you say he won’t discuss it?

what’s their to discuss? Will a discussion change the OP’s mind that actually it’s ok then? Or is the discussion more to get him to agree?

is their any compromise from the op here? Or is it flat out he not doing that anymore?

maybe if he was home by 6am it would be ok?

Seriously it’s a bit dramatic the reaction.

everything seems ok bar the fact he goes out?

now if he was going out every weekend, disappearing , coming home like bull then 100% agree..

maybe he turns around tomorrow and says he doesn’t like his wife going out in bloody tight pants anymore, are her actions destroying the family then?

Is their any compromise on your part OP. Or do you just flat out not want him going out anymore?

Cobain · 15-02-2022 4:35pm

OK thing is he has a family history of a diagnosed heart defect and has lost members of his family due to this defect. He was attending cardiac screening in the past but was discharged by them due to disclosing drug use. Again I did not know this at the time. I only found out about the dabbling in coke last year and I was honestly shocked.maybe I was naive but I believed him when he said he had a few too many drinks and fell asleep in his friends place. There have been nights where he is out and I'm due to work the following morning and I'm stressing whether he will come back or whether he is capable of minding our kids the following day. I'm reading all the comments and it is helping so thanks for the input everyone.

Widdensushi · 15-02-2022 4:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118635480#Comment_118635480

That's right seamus, kick him out, break up the family, make it so they are under financial pressure and can't maintain the same standards of living for their kids, or deal with a hangover a few times a year.......

shesty · 15-02-2022 4:47pm

Ah f**k OP, I couldn't cope with that.I've kids myself. It's not just "ah sure he goes out on a bender every so often, it's grand".It sounds like it is about every 8 weeks, he spends 1-2 weeks recovering,and the attendant stress that brings on you and your kids - you wondering can you go to work in the morning and will he be fit to mind kids, and the kids seeing him in that state.And on top of that the potential damage he will do to his health, and the potential bills he may run up, and/or what he might invite into your lives by way of trouble through his dealings with the drugs.

I mean yeah, it is easy for me to sit here and say break up with him, but at the same time you are obviously just not happy with what your lives have turned into.And everybody has their view on whether his activities are or aren't acceptable, but you and the kids have to live withthe consequences, so really it is down to whether you are ok with what he does .It doesn't sound like you are, and if that is how you feel, that's ok.

foxsake · 15-02-2022 5:03pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058233024/husband-has-occasional-cocaine-benders

i'm probably a similar age as your husband (certainly in the same position - married a while / kids) and I do likewise every 6 /8 weeks. maybe 4am finish instead of 5/6am. 6am finish would just wipe me out the next day. This social activity alone isn't an issue imo

For people saying he is an addict - in the absence of other drink/drug issues - they are talking through their arses.

If it's not causing actual problems - let him have his fun with the lads. many men his age have little or no social outlets beyond their wives/families . It's good that he has this.

If it's the legality of drugs , then sure I can get why some may have an issue with this. I don't.

I guess this is where communication is key but I don't see why you should control what he does unless his behaviour is causing problems. And your disapproval wouldn't (to me) be an appropriate reason. At least he is honest about it, many lads my age just never tell their wives.

I would caution you : cocaine use can cause problems - a blow out every 2 months isnt it - but many of the posters here are dishonest in their claims about problems and I'd guess have a very narrow and biased view.

Odelay · 15-02-2022 5:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118635588#Comment_118635588

That's it, take all the responsibility for this and lay it at the mothers feet... The husband has a choice, quite simple.

JC01 · 15-02-2022 5:14pm

Jesus some people on here are horrific, I swear there only encouraging OP to leave for the “drama”.

OP firstly I don’t know what would possess you to turn to the cesspit of boards.ie for advice on your family unit as it was only going to end as it has, morons screaming that your husbands a monster etc.

Whats going on with him is very common, I do similar myself, don’t drink at all from one end of the month to the next then blow off steam and pressure with a proper session 4 or 5 times a year. My partner understands it and while she doesn’t love it she understands it’s important for me and my own mental well-being.

Ultimately your husband goes on a bender what 6 times a year? Talk to him and work out when he’s gonna do it so your not wondering if he’s gonna be home if you need to go to work etc (the lack of communication is only making things worse).

And for the love of god don’t listen to some of the screaming on here as it’ll put awful ideas in your head.

Eircom_Sucks · 15-02-2022 5:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058233024/husband-has-occasional-cocaine-benders

only pure dirt would say you are over reacting

he won't stop as its been going on 15 years

imagine what else happens on these night outs ? cheating ?

sure its only every 2 months

think long and hard as if you want this in your life going forward , as it's not gonna change

seamus · 15-02-2022 5:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118635588#Comment_118635588

You've clearly got some personal stake in this, quite a strong reaction to what was a suggestion that she should examine her options.

At the end of the day it is not for you to dismiss her concerns as "a hangover", nor for someone else to pump them up as being a hanging offence.

She wouldn't post here if this wasn't an issue causing difficulties in her family life. And if one partner's behaviour is causing problems in the relationship and they refuse to address them, then the other needs to consider if the hassle is worth it. You cannot change people, they can only change themselves. And if they don't want to, then it tells you how much they value you.

Since we can agree that what constitutes a "reasonable" hangover is a matter of opinion, then if the OP does not consider her husband's hangover to be reasonable, then she's neither right nor wrong. The question then is whether they can come to a compromise that works for everyone, or if not then separation may be the only option.

Marriage is all about compromise. Especially when there are kids.

Cobain · 15-02-2022 5:28pm

From a medical point of view I've seen the effects of drug use ie strokes, seizures and cardiac arrests and a gradual decline in cognitive function. Look I know cocaine use is widespread but it is a deal breaker for me especially with regards to his family cardiac history.

I'm attending counselling regarding this and just wanted to sound out other opinions. I ultimately know it is my decision to make.

Pawwed Rig · 15-02-2022 5:39pm

If he was going away for a weekend with his friends 4 or 5 times in a year would that be an issue? I don't see this as being any different tbh.

To suggest breaking up a family is a bit of an over reaction. Are you annoyed that he goes out OP? If the cocaine was gone would you be quite happy with the situation? I am sensing a your way or the highway vibe here

Stephen_Maturin · 15-02-2022 5:45pm

Surprised at the unbelievably shrill OTT responses here.

Your husband is not a drug addict OP. He’s an occasional recreational drug user, like hundreds of thousands of others are every weekend in this country.

You say yourself he is a great father and that you are otherwise in a great place together.

Genuinely ask yourself is it worth throwing all that away for the odd dalliance a few times a year.

I wouldn’t be listening to the moralising outrage brigade on here OP. They haven’t got a clue - pretty despicable to see them trying to break up a family over what is overall a reasonably innocuous habit in the man.

Thelonious Monk · 15-02-2022 6:09pm

Fair play to the husband for actually telling you he's doing a few lines, I know plenty of blokes married with kids who get on the bag from time to time and are always saying "she'd bleedin' kill me if she found out". None of them are addicts or having heart attacks either.