Job is too stressful but feel I can't leave

throwaway83 · 16-02-2022 8:47am #1

I work in a job that can be very stressful. I feel like I'm in way over my head a lot of the time and am not dealing with the stress of it all.

I worry most of the time, I spend far too many nights not sleeping and just staying awake worrying and panicking about stuff in work. I wake most mornings with a knot in my stomach with worry/stress.

But at the same time I am the sole earner for my family, wife and 2 kids under 5 but we need the money. We are saving to build a house and my wife is hoping to go back to work in September.

I'm so exhausted from it all, feel sick thinking about work today. I don't know if this is even totally coherent. Do I just grin and bare it and live with it? Have others been in similar situations?

Allinall · 16-02-2022 8:56am

You need to explore what is causing the stress.

Is it your ability to do the job? Or is it people related in work?

If the former, can you see about training to resolve the issue? Most employers are amenable to supporting the development of their employees.

If it is people related, you need to speak to someone else to get an outside view of the problem. Perhaps HR or a trusted colleague.

Either way, it is up to you to make the first moves in trying to sort out the problem.

I've been in the same situation, and it's horrible. Not sleeping is the worst, as you are constantly tired, which only exacerbates the problems.

listermint · 16-02-2022 9:01am

The origin of the stress is actually the key thing to find out OP. Genuinely I've seen people getting themselves stressed in work taking things on that no one asked them to take on. Actually performing their own job in an absolute inefficient way. And it doesn't matter how much you try to shape something for them or this might be a better way to do it. They return to form.

That can be a capability thing but it can also just be poor take up of training.

Id review first what you are doing day to day and look at items that are no yours and cut them. Then see if their is delegation items that you actually share with your group it team and you are grabbing too much of it.

Ask for pointers too they can help.

throwaway83 · 16-02-2022 9:50am

Thanks for the replies. I guess the source of this stress is the work I'm doing. I'm working on my own on some projects and at a stage that I'm not used to. I feel it could be lack of knowledge/experience in that area that's causing a lot of this.

With COVID I've never been to the office so I'm not sure if this is a standard amount of work that others are doing and able for or if it's a bit more than normal. I've nothing to measure against really.

I'm making lots of mistakes, missing important things which is causing the stress and lack of sleep which then probably amplifies everything else. A vicious circle.

Big Bag of Chips · 16-02-2022 10:50am

Have you spoken to anyone about it? Did you post about this before? I remember someone posting saying they started a new job at the start of Covid and were working from home and finding it difficult with no direction.

You're not expected to be brilliant and know everything. Especially if you've never been in a physical team of colleagues and saw how things are done. I think your only option is to contact your direct manager and tell them what's going on. Tell them you feel you are at a disadvantage having never been to the office and you are unsure of the work practices and if what you are doing lines up with what everyone else is doing. Look for feedback. It's your manager's job to oversee projects and make sure they are being completed properly. So talk to them.

Now with people going back to the office is that option open to you? Or - if all else fails start applying for other jobs. Any job is better than a job that has you stressed. My husband left a very well paid job years ago because his mental health was suffering. Just left - with no job to go to. We managed. He is now working part-time, and I work-part time. We have 4 children, and we manage.

Have you spoken to your wife? Does she know how hard this has been for you? Her going back to work in September could be great for you all.

Black Noel · 16-02-2022 10:57am

You need to leave the job. You know stress can kill you, so find something you actually like doing even for less money. You're no good to your family if you're dead 😉

16-02-2022 11:03am

It depends on the type of company you work for, but many companies are open to being approached on this issue and will work with you to resolve it. Some even provide free counseling services which could definitely help you.

Again, depends on the company.

bullpost · 16-02-2022 11:09am

Talk to your manager and get some feedback on your performance. Ask for a regular 121 so you get regular advice and guidance.

Set up meetings with colleagues to review the work and get consensus or just to brainstorm?

pjdarcy · 16-02-2022 11:18am

Life's too short for that amount of stress OP. Time to dust off the old CV and start looking for a new job

NiceFella · 16-02-2022 12:09pm

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear of your temporary troubles. Don't be panicking, you'll be grand.

How long have you been in this role? Was the day to day always very arduous in terms of the amount of work? Or has it changed suddenly?

I know exactly what you mean when employers throw you into something you've never done before with little or no training. Just accept that you are not a subject expert (many managers aren't either) and you need time to figure out the work. Ask for training support etc. If there is not much for training, just do the best you can while letting people know that it has been hard because of the lack of it. Remember, it is fairly common situation. The amount of people who are out on stress leave working in dysfunctional org is huge.

Also let your partner know that you have been having a tough time. You'll get past this phase, as long as you are pro active in seeking the right help. Don't keep your situation in the dark to your managers.

Organise your learning. Ask yourself what do I not know now and what do I need to know. Prioritise what little bits at a time you need to understand. Take notes etc. In other words try enjoy the process of learning little by little and ask for guidance when stuck. Don't be stairing at the mountain. And when you finish work, just switch off completely. The organisation is responsible for training you and if they don't it's more their problem than yours. Sometimes you have to have a **** it attitude too and you'll be far better of even in your performance.

If you feel you aren't cut out for this line of work. Look at other opportunities, while you accept this challenge for now.

throwaway83 · 16-02-2022 1:17pm

Thank you for all the comments everyone. Just to add to some of the background, I am working for a reasonably big company with the construction industry. I am working on some late stage construction projects which can be quite stressful as it all comes down to time and money and I feel like I am in over my head here. I don't have that much experience at this stage of things and am making a lot of mistakes which is leading to the stress situation. I almost get decision paralysis and put things off until sometimes too late because I don't know what to do.

I understand a lot of peoples suggestion of get a new job etc but I'm conscious that I would be running from one problem into another similar problem elsewhere. But then a career change is not on the cards right now either.....if I had any idea what I wanted to get into next.

I think I will try to talk to HR and explain what's going on and see where that gets me but I also don't want to come across as I can't do my job either.

Birdsong1982 · 16-02-2022 2:43pm

It sounds like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. This cannot go on for much longer. If I was in your shoes, I would look for another position, and postpone the house build. If you lose your health over this, it could be very difficult to get it back. Stress can kill.

Many of us have had jobs not work out for one reason or another. It could be that the job just does not suit you, or you have more work than is fair. It's normal to have a job here or there that doesn't work out, but people don't like to talk about it. In my experience, HR have only one concern, and that is keeping the company owners happy and profitable. You might have a better experience with them, but it's something to consider.

In the meantime, if you could find a counsellor or therapist to thrash it all out with, that could be illuminating and even life changing for you.

bullpost · 16-02-2022 3:05pm

Just be careful how you approach HR if your boss is not aware of the situation.

starbaby2003 · 16-02-2022 4:56pm

Does your company provide EAP, if so I’d start there. It sounds like you are on your way to burn out. I often find when people can’t do the job it’s because the tools or resources are not available to them. Can you look into what you think will help support you get this project over the line. What do they say when deadlines are missed ?

throwaway83 · 16-02-2022 5:54pm

There is an EAP and I have contacted them so hopefully that will help. To be fair my line manager is helpful but cant be on hand for every query I have or they would essentially become my personal assistant but when I've made mistakes in the past its not a bad reaction, more of a how do we fix this reaction. But I guess those mistakes are becoming more frequent and things are being missed between falling through the crack and missing things, forgetting to get back to an issue because 15 other issues pop up across different projects. Its all a bit overwhelming really.

bullpost · 16-02-2022 6:05pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118642133#Comment_118642133

Well its more that your line manager has a view of the big picture i.e. overall you are struggling and trying to help with that big issue.

Cyrus · 16-02-2022 6:09pm

Do you mind me asking how you got into this role, did you move jobs or were you promoted in an existing job or what?

No one should dread work, and not being in the office is probably only making it worse as well but it sounds like you need a lot more guidance than you are getting.

It might be good to have a proper 121 with your manager and lay it all out.

throwaway83 · 17-02-2022 10:06am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118642204#Comment_118642204

We moved home from the UK just as lockdown hit and I had this job already arranged prior to that. I've worked in the same industry in the UK but in those jobs I was always part of a team whereas here I am working more on my own most of the time.

Cyrus · 17-02-2022 11:54am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645037#Comment_118645037

all you can do is speak with your manager and lay it out, if its not for you its not for you, you wont have an issue get another job, there are always options.

shesty · 17-02-2022 11:33pm

I've worked in that industry, it's horribly stressful.Late end projects are the worst part.

A chat with your manager certainly, and a good system of to-do lists amd that.Some companies do good courses in organisation, etc.

There is an attitude in construction of ah sure you'll learn kind of thing, they do tend to toss you in at the deep end a bit.You learn but the stress is awful.If there is any way you can sort something with your manager -even just ask could you have a once a week check in for a couple of months because you are a bit over your head and the set-up is different to your previous role - it might help.Bring your questions to the meeting weekly, run through them and it will start to give you a feel for what way decisions should be made yourself.

You have my sympathy OP, I have experience of that stress amd it is horrible.Not sustainable long-term.

throwaway83 · 29-05-2022 7:27am

OP here. Apologies for bringing back this thread but I thought I'd give an update to this situation.

After the last posts I spoke to work and things improved a bit but that's kinda changed now. Basically I'm back at square one and things are bad again. The stress is getting too much. I'm not sleeping well, waking up, sometimes waking into mild panic attacks.

It just feels like I am so pinned down by stress. I know I should be exercising more but I honestly am so exhausted and worn down I can't bring myself to do it. I'm noticing I barley speak to my wife in the evenings because I am so consumed by the stress and worry of work. I'm snappy with my children and they deserve better, this being brought more into focus after the awful stuff in Texas last week.

Last week I woke up very weak and couldn't lift a cup of tea to drink it. I needed to support myself when walking from one room to another. Called the doctor and he sent me to A&E for some tests. After a day in hospital they said they couldn't really see anything that would have caused this but I think it's probably the stress.

But despite all this I can't help feel that I can't leave work because we need the money and at the same time I feel like I can't keep this up. I just don't know what to do.

Staleturnips · 29-05-2022 7:57am

From a practical perspective: As you are no doubt aware construction, especially handover stage, can be very stressful and frequently the source of the stress can be under resourced personnel and a generally poorly structured company management; flip-side of this is there are many open positions on the jobs market. Why don't you put the feelers out and see what move you could make.

Working in the building game is never going to be like working in a tech start-up with a pinball machine and slide in the corner but some building firms are certainly better to work for then others.

Reach out to a few recruiter on Linkedin, with UK experience you'll be in demand, see what is out there.

jackboy · 29-05-2022 8:29am

Go see your GP. It sounds like it’s not the job that’s the problem, as your boss seems sound. Your putting this pressure on yourself and you are now burned out. At this stage a lengthy break is probably necessary.

Tonesjones · 29-05-2022 8:37am

Previously in my job at the end of every month I had completed more tasks than my co workers. Mostly 10 to 20% more but it was every single month . These productivity and efficiency figures are monitored behind the scenes

I didn't receive any financial bonus for being the most productive .

I received no praise either.

The company expanded during covid and hired mote staff as it won some big contracts and my work load grew and grew while others stayed at the same basic amount but spread out over more people. I made a cross for my own back by being so competitive and my physical and mental health has suffered. I felt cheated .

The lesson learned is that taking on the stress by yourself means it will become the norm and will trap you. It is a spiraling effect .Step back and find a way to share the load. One individual cannot prop up contracts or deliveries of contracts on their own

If you broke down and left they would have a replacement found in no time and you would be forgotten. It's not worth it.

onrail · 29-05-2022 8:37am

OP, I can empathise. The industry is brutal, and if it helps at all, there are many many more in your situation, maybe not quite as acute, but close. It's almost become a running joke between a few mates and colleagues at how poorly treated/paid and stressed we all are!

One thing I would say is that a move is certainly a good idea if at all possible, even to a similar role. Things may be as bad over time, but even the relief of leaving behind some troublesome projects can be like a holiday for a few months. A clean slate is an opportunity to review your own working practices without having to firefight.

Xidu · 29-05-2022 9:48am

OP have you tried to look for other jobs. You can apply for other jobs while you having this job.

seems you cant handle stress.

also if you don’t mind me being cruel.

you worked w team members on the same job before so you had experience of how to do the job.
you have been in the new job for a while it’s normal in the beginning you feel it’s very tough. Yet you had opportunity to learn and seek help to do better job but seems that didn’t happen?

heres some suggestions I can think of.

seek help and knowledge and skills in your current company from other team.
seek some advise from your previous colleagues
find a new job suits your expertise more.
seek for stress leave and give yourself a break. Normally stress leave pay is 4month.

Liberty_Bear · 29-05-2022 1:38pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119128985#Comment_119128985

I do this with staff when they say they are stressed - sit down and itemise all the tasks you do. Time each task also. Then plot in an excel sheet and share the info with your employer. Its a time in motion study. Say task A takes 4 hours and you can only do 2 a day then thats 8 hours on Task A. Most employers will only look at empirical evidence. I also du suggest to talk with your GP while you are in this scenario. Reading your post I could feel the dread a little bit myself, jumps off the page. Would it be an option to quit the job and find something temporary? Could you take a slight drop in wage ? Just to give you some breathing space?

Big hugs buddy xx

Big Bag of Chips · 30-05-2022 7:44am

Your wife and children need you more than they need money. You need to take care of your health. Otherwise you will sink.

Talk to MABS. You may be able to take time off work on sick leave and survive on illness benefit for a while with the help of advice and support from MABS.

Have you been actively applying for different jobs? You could retrain. Get a truck licence, bus license. Apply to schools/hospitals/businesses to be a caretaker. I know a teacher who retired early who is now a maintenance man in the local hospital.

You don't need to stay in this job. There are options. Possibly hundreds of options. You just need to look outside of the situation you are trapped in.

Talk to MABS. Talk to your GP. Get signed off work. Look for a new job. Anywhere.

HildaOgdenx · 30-05-2022 2:32pm

Not going to add much to what others have said but to encourage you to see your GP asap. Stress can very quickly lead to your physical health breaking down.

It sounds like you need to take time off. Have a look at the attached link to see what you would receive in illness benefit. It won't be forever and as others have suggested talk to MABS also on the money side of things.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/social_welfare/social_welfare_payments/disability_and_illness/disability_benefit.html

I know it's an old adage but your health really is your wealth. No job is worth what you are going through right now.

Purple Mountain · 02-06-2022 1:47am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119135124#Comment_119135124

The best quote I saw recently was "If you don't make time for your health, you'll have to make time for your illness."

Get signed off on sick leave this week and sit with your wife and make a plan.

I've been there in terms of a highly stressful job in a toxic environment. It was hell on earth. I (eventually) resigned with no job lined up.

Best decision ever. Only regret was it took me months of agonising over whether I should just "toughen up" and stay because the money was pretty OK.

No money is worth the physical and emotional effects that stress and dread bring.

bitofabind · 02-06-2022 11:43am

Oh I feel for you OP. What a hard situation to be in and unfortunately it's incredibly common. I have too many friends withstanding toxic work environments because the money is too good or they can't see a way out into a more viable work path.

Similar to Purple Mountain, I left a toxic job without a backup plan about a year ago. Took four months off, the first of which were a full-on breakdown and panic from the burnout that hit me like a tonne of bricks, the last of which gave me time to reflect and be very clear on what my values and criteria for a new job role would be. I recruited a career consultant, who was more like a therapist tbh, who sat with me in the trenches and helped me to draw these conclusions. I'm in a new role now with a brilliant culture, give me a lot of career growth, challenges me, albeit with less money but more of a career path down the line.

It's not perfect, but no job is. But - most importantly - I can breathe and I have a plan. I know what I'm aiming at in my career now so I have more purpose with it. I could only have gotten here with that time off to think and reflect and ask myself some hard questions.

Your circumstances won't allow that now, but you need to step away for a few weeks. I'd be looking at the route of sick leave if I were you, or if it's easier - taking a block of annual leave and using that as an opportunity to 1. relax, get out of the environment and 2. to work through your needs and goals and make a plan. The plan might be "get the hell out of dodge by the end of the year and spend between now and then looking for a role that fits your criteria E.G x salary and y culture. Having that plan will give you purpose and will make a bad environment more manageable in the short-term as you'll now have an end goal in sight.

Think about therapy too. It was game-changing for me in terms of identifying patterns that led me into a toxic workplace (E.G people pleasing, lack of boundaries, using work as a coping strategy)

Job is too stressful but feel I can't leave

Comments