Am I crazy to want to keep my baby?

Sile Na Gig · 16-02-2022 11:59pm #1

So at the ripe old age of forty I find myself pregnant. Again.

I am a single parent to four children who I can just about afford because their father is solvent. I have zero family and little community support. A lot of my work has dried up because of Covid, I'm getting by by being frugal and am working from home.

I am in a casual and clandestine relationship with the father of the child who is seventeen years my junior and fairly feckless. I haven't told him about the pregnancy and I would rather not.

Everything about this situation screams that I should have an abortion. And yet...I love babies and I am a fantastic mother. My world has closed in so much over the last few years that staying at home with a newborn is quite appealing. As much as I know it's madness I would love to have another child. I am really struggling with going through with the practical steps required for termination. I have a gay friend who is desperate for a baby. A part of me wants to offer him the father role and leave my young lover out of it. They have the same skin, hair and eye colour and ethnicity.

Am I batshit insane?

Liberty_Bear · 17-02-2022 12:14am

Not batshit crazy at all.

Any decision relating to an abortion is yours and is yours alone, no one in this world should judge you for what you choose to do. Firs thing is to look at your options and what is available to you

https://www2.hse.ie/unplanned-pregnancy/?gclid=Cj0KCQiA3rKQBhCNARIsACUEW_bCJV7aY-l5Q6HEzUFDYKBfAxW1uzS0S8L3CDaBFl-71mDl56m4bhAaAm58EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

That link is the HSE links to unplanned pregnancies.

Maybe have a chat with the dad, its probably all new territory for him and ask him to step up to the mark. If you choose to have the child then maybe there are options with going back to work etc that you could look at. In the interim the Citizens Information have info on supports you can avail of

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/after_your_baby_is_born/benefits_and_entitlements_relating_to_birth.html

As for asking your gay friend to raise the child, this is tricky and could cause legal complications so seek legal advice (www.flac.ie might be able to help)

What ever you choose, Im sure you have the full confidence in your decisions and stay well x

StevenToast · 17-02-2022 12:16am

Tell the father....keep the baby

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 12:19am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644193#Comment_118644193

He will not deal. I know this to be true. He is young and has his whole life ahead of him. Also his sisters (who are of an age with me) will kill him and me.

Sunny Disposition · 17-02-2022 12:25am

You should absolutely keep the baby if you want to. But I do think the father would have a right to be told, it is his son or daughter. He and his family may struggle for a while, but they will adapt, as I’m sure you know yourself people have to just get in with things when they don’t go to plan. It could be the makings of him.

Still stihl waters 3 · 17-02-2022 12:27am

As much fun as it may have been for a 23 year old to have been riding a 40 year old and vice versa his goal in life at this stage is probably not settling down to raise a child, saying that he deserves to know, fun while it lasted I suppose, he's about to grow up very fast and learn what responsibilities are

Leave your gay friend out if it as that will bring nothing only trouble

Is it really a good idea to bring a child into the world if you're only getting by frugally, will you be able to support another child if the new father doesn't step up to the mark, will your other children have to go without something if a half sibling enters the equation, either way good luck op, not an easy decision

Liberty_Bear · 17-02-2022 12:27am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644203#Comment_118644203

Perhaps its worth asking yourself, can you see him being mature enough to handle fatherhood and could he support his daughter? The chap could have his life ahead of him but just a bit different than a lot of youngsters his age. Many people go on to live fulfilling lives with kids. A lot of people will say keep the pregnancy or terminate it but give yourself time to process it . My heart goes out to you as I know whatever decision you make wont be easy x

BabysCoffee · 17-02-2022 12:32am

Sounds like you have pretty much made your mind up to proceed with the pregnancy which is great and I wish you all the best.

But I don't understand your thoughts about passing the baby over to your friend for him to be the father......a baby is not something that can be gifted to someone in this way and it's a little bizarre that these types of thoughts are going through your mind.

17-02-2022 12:34am

Not telling the father...

Offering your gay best friend the role...

Scissor sisters...

Ya wouldn't see it on Fair City.

Whether you want to/can keep the baby - that's a decision for you, but the rest of the plan... away with the fairies. There's a 100% chance it all blows up in your face.

LillySV · 17-02-2022 12:41am

I think the life of the child is a lot more important than the other little concerns you have . You want the child and I don’t see why not? Cause you don’t think the daddy will want the child or because the sister of the guy won’t approve aren’t exactly important factors in comparison to that child’s right to life. Anyways how can u be sure that he won’t want the child…. I’m a man and didn’t know if I’d like a child, when I had one it’s all my life is about now… love him more than anything and surprised everyone … maybe that dad could be the same ? Anyways If the father doesn’t want the child, lose the loser and claim one parent family to support yourself

17-02-2022 12:45am

Question, if I may...

What would happen if you told the father, he was delighted with the news and wanted to settle down into a relationship with you, how would you react?

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 1:34am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644319#Comment_118644319

I know this would never happen. His career is just taking off. He is very ambitious and I want this for him. I don't want to tie him down. And I don't particularly want to have a child with him. I would prefer for him to live his life and be all he can be. He is the success story of the family which is why I think the sisters would not be happy. He is the baby of the family, the only boy, and they are very protective of him. I feel protective of him too, to be honest. I don't want to ruin his life.

B.A._Baracus · 17-02-2022 1:37am

Fair play for wanting to keep the baby. Little bugger deserves a chance. The father should be told however. You've already explored the aspect of not telling him so him not wanting to be apart of the child's life doesn't sound like a problem for you.

Only my two cents anyways. I'm not the one expecting a baby so my opinion holds no weight.

JP Liz V1 · 17-02-2022 1:38am

If you want it, keep it but I would tell the father

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 1:39am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644263#Comment_118644263

I'm aware of how mental it sounds! Which is why I ask if I am batshit insane.

My gay friend has been looking for someone to have his baby for ages which is why I thought of it. He asked me but I said no because I was too old and at the time I had work outside the home that having a child would have interfered with.

To be fair it wasn't so long ago that that was how we dealt with these kind of things in this country. Not that I want to go back there! But there are more people than you'd think raising kids that are not their own.

Akrasia · 17-02-2022 1:48am

Its your choice to keep the baby. 100%

But please tell the father. The father and the baby both have a right to know each other

ScottSchultz · 17-02-2022 1:50am

You are not crazy, you are just dealing with many things at once and with a deadline.

Above everything, the choice is yours and yours only. Personally I'd say that If you want, keep it but you need to tell the father. About your gay friend it could work but sounds so risky and unfortunately you and your baby would suffer the most.

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Edited to remove video - posting videos is against the Charter and the OP should seek proper advice if going down that route.

Hannibal_Smith · 17-02-2022 8:36am

I am in a casual and clandestine relationship with the father of the child who is seventeen years my junior and fairly feckless.

He is very ambitious and I want this for him. I don't want to tie him down.

Just trying to marry these two descriptions together? He's feckless but ambitious and the success story of his family?

Not telling the father isn't just a small little white lie to get you passed the here and now. It's a lifetime of a lie to the child and both your families that will never be kept.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 8:48am

Ok, from the responses I can see that the pretending the child belongs to my gay friend is in fact completely nuts. I suspected so, but I am really trying to think outside the box.

The father is very ambitious about his work. He is very talented and smart, the one in the family who deserves to go far.

But he is feckless with women. There are a lot of tears shed in this town over him. He's never been able to be faithful to a woman and he is forever getting himself in trouble (case in point). He has admitted that one of the things he values about our arrangement is that I have no interest in walking into the sunset with him. I do not care if he's sleeping with ten different girls all the way down the coast, which he almost certainly is.

I have been very badly damaged by my previous marriage and have not had a traditional 'partner' since. I really can't see myself entering into a relationship again. But the thought of having an abortion when I really do want this child hurts my heart.

c.p.w.g.w · 17-02-2022 8:55am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644753#Comment_118644753

I know a couple of lads, who in their 20's were like that...

Personal Life's were messy, partying, lots of sexual partners, seemed all over the place/seemed to be living for the moment...but in work, 100% professional and dedicated(including doing college part time yet telling none of us)...so much so both now earn close to 6 figures in their early 30's, home owners and have settled down

Hannibal_Smith · 17-02-2022 8:56am

I really can't see myself entering into a relationship again. But the thought of having an abortion when I really do want this child hurts my heart.

I don't think anyone is suggesting entering into a relationship with him.

SteM · 17-02-2022 8:56am

How do you think you're going to have a child without the father realising its his? It sounds like you know his sisters, someone will tell him you're pregnant. Have the child if you want but tell him he has a child at least.

Jequ0n · 17-02-2022 9:00am

Maybe you should put the abortion thoughts on hold while getting an STI check because the results might be key for your final decision. Whatever you decide to do you, you really need to to have a rethink of your priorities.

I’m the last person to criticise people for casual sex but you are playing a dangerous game here and you are putting a lot at stake here.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 9:14am

Both of us are pretty invested in no one finding out that we have been sleeping together. It doesn't reflect particularly well on either of us. I'd rather tell no one who the father is and have the town whispering behind their fingers than have everyone know and have his sisters coming after me with pitchforks for ruining the golden boy's future. He's certainly not the first to be in my bed since my marriage ended but I am generally discreet...maybe it was a Spanish sailor...

I know he does not want a child, not now and maybe not ever. He got one of my friend's daughter's pregnant a while back and he came panicking to me about it. She had an abortion in the end but he was really scared. I just don't want to do that to him.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 9:16am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644792#Comment_118644792

Even a co-parenting relationship. It's still a partnership of sorts. I'd rather just have the baby by myself.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 9:18am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644802#Comment_118644802

I have just had a clean STI check and full bloods, thank you. I am aware that the situation and my behaviour is less than ideal!

17-02-2022 9:25am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644849#Comment_118644849

Stop worrying about what the town thinks. You are not the 23 year old

wench · 17-02-2022 9:30am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644849#Comment_118644849

If he doesn't want a child, sleeping around unprotected seems a bad way to ensure that outcome. He has learned nothing from his previous close call, if his life is "ruined" by this, it is his fault not yours.

Manach · 17-02-2022 9:31am

The unborn is a human as well and has the potenital to live the full life similar to any other.

California Dreamer · 17-02-2022 9:33am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644459#Comment_118644459

He may be the baby of the family but he has to be old enough to know if he puts A into B then there is a chance that C might happen. Was it failed birth control or lack of condoms etc? Not that its important but there has to be some responsibility on his behalf. He may bail and not see you or the kid again but there is also a chance that he might do his best to support his child.

Tombo2001 · 17-02-2022 9:33am

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 9:33am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644884#Comment_118644884

I could not give a feck what the town thinks. My reputation is already in tatters here and I still hold my head high. I worry about ruining a bright young man's future for my selfish desire to keep the child. And the sisters...they love me but they are formidable. They could make life very difficult for us both. I'd be happier to hide away with my mystery baby.

Jequ0n · 17-02-2022 9:39am

Ruin his future? You won’t be the only one who will end up keeping his baby if he keeps going at this rate.

Anyway, up to you. Best of luck.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 9:47am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644908#Comment_118644908

It was a full week before ovulation. I told him it would be ok. It's always been ok before. I'm usually very on to it with my cycle. So if it was anyone's fault it was mine.

I don't particularly want him to take responsibility, I just want him to be free to succeed. I don't particularly want a baby with him. I didn't particularly want another baby at all (although I do every time I see a baby). But now that I'm pregnant I don't think I can bring myself to let it go.

I am beginning to realise from the responses on here that both myself and his sisters and half the young wans in this town have been letting him away with murder and making excuses for him because he is a) breathtakingly beautiful b) extremely talented c) very charming.

notAMember · 17-02-2022 9:55am

Nobody ruins anyone's life by bearing their child, so park that thought. Father's have it a lot easier than mothers, they can chose to be involved or not and don't have to actually do anything with their bodies. Perhaps you are thinking about the financial strain on him?

40 is a perfectly reasonable age to have a child, plenty of women are even having their first at that age. My grandmother had her youngest at age 50.

Don't worry a bit about having a complicated family, it's not uncommon these days. I've cousins on their 2nd or 3rd marriage by their 40's , with children from all those relationships.

Maybe have a think through each of the various scenarios, and what your choices and options are.

Finances will be your main trouble I'd say, but might be helped by you already having older children. Clothes, baby things, cot etc you might already have? It's the first couple of children are most expensive. And perhaps your eldest will be a help? What age are the others?

17-02-2022 9:56am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644913#Comment_118644913

There is nothing selfish in raising the child. I cannot understand how having baby will ruin his golden future. And stop worring about his sisters reactions. They don,t sound formidable. They sound like townie headwreckers

Eircom_Sucks · 17-02-2022 10:01am

he deserves to know and how dare you keep that from him , selfish

Canis Lupus · 17-02-2022 10:01am

If you're not involving the dad how are you planning on affording the child if you're already struggling and have zero family support.

17-02-2022 10:15am

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

You're not crazy at all, its your maternal instinct kicking in. You have children already, you're not going into this blind, you know whats involved in raising a child.

But you're also wise enough to know the path you're going to go down is not going to be an easy one. It will also be an adjustment for your four children.

I would strongly encourage you to tell the father. He may opt not to be involved - and you should discuss that option with him - but he does have the right to know. His family do not have the right to know, if you both choose to keep the matter private.

I would also strongly encourage you to tell him if only so his details can be registered on your child's birth certificate. This would be very important to me, you may not have thought that far ahead yet.

Because you child will want to know who their father is. That may be 18 years from now, but they deserve an accurate recording of both their birth parents on their birth certificate, as it is a legal document that will follow them all their life.

I wish you the very best of luck.

(eta) ask your friend to be your child's godfather. But do not confuse this with any parental role. The more positive male figures in any child's life, the better!

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 10:19am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644993#Comment_118644993

My kids are 15, 13, 10 and 8. The age gap between my eldest and the father is the same as between my eldest and youngest, and the same as between my youngest and what this child will be. Thats a mind ****!

My eldest two are great with babies and love them. I would have everything I need for the early years. My worry would be when they get older not having the same privileges as the big kids because their dad and dad's family provide a lot for them.

Financial strain yes but also mental and emotional. He needs to concentrate on his work. Most of the young girls he has been involved with have wanted to tie him into something serious but he's always wanted to be wild and free and I think that was the appeal of what we have for him.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 10:20am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645019#Comment_118645019

I know! I know it isn't practical. The best thing I could do for everyone involved would be to terminate. But my heart says I want to keep the child. Yes, I know it's selfish!

Eircom_Sucks · 17-02-2022 10:23am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645087#Comment_118645087

sounds like you wanted this all along and the fact you dont want the dad involved and using stupid excuse as to why you don't want him involved

now your other 4 kids will suffer because a newborn will restrict things that you do with them

selfish

17-02-2022 10:27am

"I have a gay friend who is desperate for a baby. A part of me wants to offer him the father role and leave my young lover out of it. They have the same skin, hair and eye colour and ethnicity."

If you are suggesting that you lie to the child's father, and then the child, about who is the father of the child, that's absolutely disgusting.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 10:31am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645108#Comment_118645108

Believe me I did not want this! But I am here now and I am finding it hard to do the right thing which would be to terminate when I know in my heart I would love the child. Maybe I should just put my feelings aside and do the practical thing and get an abortion.

Mr. CooL ICE · 17-02-2022 10:31am

Whatever choice you decide to take, don't bring a child into this world and raise it based on a lie.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 10:32am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645132#Comment_118645132

Yes I realise now this is completely insane. Just trying to spare the father the stress and give my friend the baby he really wants. I think the idea of making him godfather would be lovely though.

17-02-2022 10:33am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645153#Comment_118645153

That's a good idea. The other way would just cause untold misery for all concerned later down the line.

Best of luck with everything.

Igotadose · 17-02-2022 10:36am

A fifth child without a father.... What will happen to them if something bad happens to you? And it's a high risk pregnancy (you're older than 40) Risk of congenital problems, Downs, is higher the older you get. Be sure to get tested, you wouldn't want to have a disabled child on top of everything else.

Best of luck with your choice, it's great you can now make it without consequence in Ireland.

CrookedJack · 17-02-2022 10:37am

I find it quite shocking that you've not really mentioned the child's welfare at all in this. You go into lots of detail about your wants and needs, and the fathers potential and needs, but nothing about the child.

What standard of living can you give it, now and in the future? Can you afford another child, unsupported? You talk about being a pariah in town, won't that also apply to the child?

And then there's the child's right to having a father? You're effectively denying the child that, just because you don't want to hurt golden boy and want a new baby all to yourself. This all sounds so shockingly self-centered it's breathtaking.

I suggest you rethink this all from the angle of what's best for the child, not the golden boy, not you.

17-02-2022 10:39am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645153#Comment_118645153

Have him as a father figure, absolutely if he is of the right calibre, but suggest acknowledge the birth father from the get go. Kids, in particular boys, do better with a father figure, whether biological, uncle, grandad or other

Pussyhands · 17-02-2022 10:41am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644459#Comment_118644459

Not so much of a success story when he's knocking up women 17 years his senior.

Am I crazy to want to keep my baby?

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