Am I crazy to want to keep my baby?

Our standard of living is by objective standards higher than most. It's lower than it has been in years but we have the basics. Roof over heads - I have a very large, beautiful and comfortable home with land, absolute wonderland for children. Food on table - we can no longer afford to eat out at restaurants or getting take aways but I am an excellent cook and we eat well and healthily. Love in the home - I know my older children would love and care for a baby. The older two in particular are very fond of babies. We have enough baby gear to get through the first few years. Child would have hand me downs for sure but I don't see this as a hardship. I am objectively a great mother. All my kids are smart, kind, well adjusted. People come to me for baby advice and I am always the parent the teenagers come to when they can't talk to their own mum and dad. We have no tv and no devices and a house full of art and music. Things we have to do without since money got tight are things like holidays, but we have a big tent and brought kids camping fairly close to home, they were happy. Horses, we can't afford anymore but the kids don't seem to miss it too much and this one would never grow up with that. I do worry about the child not having a father. I do worry about what public opinion will mean for them as a person, but also my other children, particularly the eldest. I know that some of the other boys at school give him a hard time about having a 'MILF'. He has learned from me to not particularly care for what people say or think though. I worry about not being able to pay school fees for the child. The other children's father pays for this. But at least the youngest will be out of primary school by the time the child goes to school so it won't be such a difference if they are not going to the same school.

I know that it would be better practically for the father and for me if the child were dead. But I can objectively say that the life I could provide the child would be a) better than death, b) better than what a lot of two parent families provide.

I desperately wish that it were.

Good start in life is all relative. Better than the national average, yes. Better than what my existing children have, almost certainly no.

Thank you, that does seem like the logical thing to do

You are not wrong. Unpleasant but true. His sisters will be fine with him, they will dote on him. They will kill me.

House is mortage free, I got it in the divorce. School and college for the older four will be paid for by their father. I will probably have to send the fifth child to national school but (and god I hate myself for even typing this) I will probably inherit enough to put them through college by the time that comes around.

There is a part of me that is thinking I started seeing this young man because it was excitement and attention in a time when there was not so much going on for me, maybe I see the baby in the same way. Maybe that's why the child is so appealing to me. Definitely something to ponder.

It's a small place. The sisters are around my age. We have lots of friends in common and our professions intersect. He was the late afterthought.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. Even the ones who told me I'm immature and selfish. When I wrote the OP I was spinning out, felt like I was going nuts. I see now the empirically insane idea to avoid the conversation and give my gay friend the baby he really wants was just a bargaining tactic on behalf of my distressed mind to somehow trick myself into thinking I don't have to face my responsibilities. Its process. I think for now I will just focus on looking after myself and my children. If I am still pregnant at fifteen weeks I will have a discreet conversation with the father. That way it is presented as a fait accompli. I don't have to give him the option to persuade me to have an abortion because I don't think that would serve either of us. And there is a chance I will lose the baby before then. I have had miscarriages before. In which case I will have put him and us through the strain of knowing for no reason. I will give him the option of being the 'silent partner' if he so wishes. I imagine I will tell my children around the same time. I really don't need to announce it to community, it's nobody's business but mine. If people talk, **** them. My midwife already knows so I can arrange all the appropriate tests and birthing plan etc through her. I will get a friend and possibly my daughter if she's keen to be my birthing partners. I will offer him the opportunity to be present if he so wishes. Does this sound like a more measured and mature response? I am trying to do the right thing here.

He pays the minimum amount of child support required by law plus he pays for private education and big expenses. Whether he likes it or not it is in the divorce settlement. Trust me he can afford it. He is still able to live the lifestyle we had when we were married with his new girlfriend. He will not be happy about the concrete evidence that I have not actually joined a nunnery since he left though...