Am I crazy to want to keep my baby?

blackbox · 17-02-2022 11:31am

Unfortunately its all about the money.

If you believe that you can afford to give your other children and this one a good start in life at least until they are 18 years old, then go ahead.

Don't worry about what other people think.

Higgins5473 · 17-02-2022 11:31am

How far gone are you into the pregnancy? I would say this plays a significant factor in deciding what to do. If it's very recent, I'd say an abortion would be the best option for all.

zg3409 · 17-02-2022 11:31am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058233385/am-i-crazy-to-want-to-keep-my-baby

Get counciling, ring helplines (make sure they are impartial non religious). It sounds like you are on the fence, in crisis, need support, need assistance. It may be hard to talk with friends, partners , even talking out loud to a stranger on the phone can help. Boards.ie has lots of opinions, but none of them may be right for you and it's not a good format for chatting and getting a weight off your chest. Your decision will waver many times, which is normal.

Idle Passerby · 17-02-2022 11:33am

Your coming across very immature for a 40 year old single mother of four OP. Maybe it's the confusion of the situation clouding your judgement but gushing over some "breathtakingly beautiful" "bright young man with a promising future" whose also riding half the town without a condom, sounds like the romantic dillusions of a 15 year-old.

I can't believe you thought it was a good idea to pretend the baby was your gay friends. Who would've been expected to buy that ridiculous story? The beautiful lothario? The gay friend? The child? Lies affecting several people's lives there.

If you want to keep the baby that's your prerogitive but at least be honest with everyone involved. The truth would out eventually anyway and you'd end up the bad guy for concocting the web of lies to begin with.

I think your more embarrassed about the fling coming out than ruining some irresponsible young lads reputation. (He's not doing much to promote his good reputation so why do you feel the need to protect it?) Put on your big girl pants and deal with the situation like a responsible grown up.

Pussyhands · 17-02-2022 11:34am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645412#Comment_118645412

Well Mr ambitious won't get too far if he's so afraid of getting women pregnant he's going around with his willy unwrapped.

You're sounding like someone who's playing the role of his mother.."he's the apple in his families eye", "I don't want to ruin his career as he's ambitious", "I don't want anyone to know as his sisters will kill him", "there's been lots of tears over him in the town"

He sounds like a spoilt child who needs to grow up.

17-02-2022 11:35am

Op it sounds like you want to keep your baby, and I think the best thing is to have everything out in the open.

Tell the father. Give him the option to be involved or not, and if he doesn't want to, you can explore the possibility of raising your child with your gay friend and Co-parenting together, but please do it all legally and above board.

The father might decide in later years that he wants to be involved, and that must remain an option for him.

Im sure you could find a solicitor who specialises in family law to help you all navigate through this.

Oh and don't listen to the nonsense about it being high risk pregnancy just because you're 40. You've had 4 pregnancies before, all healthy I presume? 40 is not old to be having another baby, not these days.

Good luck.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 11:35am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645467#Comment_118645467

It's only six weeks. If I were going to abort I was advised to wait two weeks and get the surgical so I could be sure I wouldn't have a reaction while I was trying to look after my kids with no one to look after me. If I get the dnc I can be better by the time the kids get home from their dad's after the weekend.

markodaly · 17-02-2022 11:35am

As much as I know it's madness I would love to have another child.

It seems as if you have already made up your mind, and looking for reconfirmation.

boardlady · 17-02-2022 11:35am

Hi OP. How about this - just came into my head. You tell him, but the two of you agree to keep it between you (in as much as you can). If you are happy to raise the baby without any input from him (apart from his knowledge of his child's existence), and he is happy to know you are doing so and have it not affect his life for the next few decades or so, then why not try that? You can tell the nosey folks it was a passing sailor if you like! I know the father has rights, but so do you as the woman carrying this child. You clearly want the baby, so all that's really concerning you at the moment seems to be the logistics of who knows what. Perhaps your gay friend could take on a sort of 'uncle' role where he is very involved, as your friend, in the rearing of your children. Most of us have friends/family that fulfil that role anyway.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 11:36am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645466#Comment_118645466

Good start in life is all relative. Better than the national average, yes. Better than what my existing children have, almost certainly no.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 11:39am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645485#Comment_118645485

This is very good advice, thank you

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 11:39am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645490#Comment_118645490

Thank you, that does seem like the logical thing to do

Kingkong · 17-02-2022 11:39am

Their is a lot of emotion in this thread fueled in part by being the sole care giver of 4 young children. Your in a hard situation blaming and giving out isn't going to change anything in the past .

I would suggest you need to think forward a few years from now & what your 4 kids will need and how you're going to do it because no one else is coming to help or rescue you & your 4 kids (schools, college, accommodation etc.... ).

Having a 5th child comes down to you being able to look after your current children first and foremost. If you feel your are falling apart now and a new born is going make it all better, perhaps in the short term it will but when the music stops you now have 5 kids to care for with no excuses.

Maybe in your case it would be worth asking for some help (welfare or others bodies) and maybe talk to a professional counselor face to face. These threads aren't great for this sort of thing.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 11:41am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645482#Comment_118645482

You are not wrong. Unpleasant but true. His sisters will be fine with him, they will dote on him. They will kill me.

Pussyhands · 17-02-2022 11:42am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645521#Comment_118645521

How do you know his sisters?

In any case, he didn't wear protection so tell his sisters to cop the hell on.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 11:46am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645512#Comment_118645512

House is mortage free, I got it in the divorce. School and college for the older four will be paid for by their father. I will probably have to send the fifth child to national school but (and god I hate myself for even typing this) I will probably inherit enough to put them through college by the time that comes around.

There is a part of me that is thinking I started seeing this young man because it was excitement and attention in a time when there was not so much going on for me, maybe I see the baby in the same way. Maybe that's why the child is so appealing to me. Definitely something to ponder.

Fandymo · 17-02-2022 11:49am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645087#Comment_118645087

You really need to cop on. You aren't the lad you screwed's mother, stop infantalising him. "He needs to concentrate on his work" - Nonsense, he needs to concentrate on not getting half the town pregnant. He stuck his mickey in unprotected after already having a pregnancy scare, this is on him as much as it is on you. And be respectful to your unborn child. They have a right to know who their father is, fcuk everyone else and think of the child and their future development.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 11:50am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645531#Comment_118645531

It's a small place. The sisters are around my age. We have lots of friends in common and our professions intersect. He was the late afterthought.

Idle Passerby · 17-02-2022 12:03pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645586#Comment_118645586

These are the concerns of a teenager. "Oh no his sister's will be mean to me". Surely you realise you have far bigger fish to fry than dealing with a crowd of overprotective wagons who have nothing better to do than treat their adult brother like he's a precious little prince. Forget the sisters, their opinions are totally irrelevant to your main concern which should be the baby your planning to have.

nigeldaniel · 17-02-2022 12:09pm

Ultimately I believe you will be fine in the long run. Boards.ie is not always the best place for advice but if you have a strong will and by the look of it you do, I am sure you will be ok. All I can say is if you wish to keep the child, do, don't make decisions on what other people tell you to do, as you will never be 100% happy in that way. Here's wishing you the best.

Dan

Pistachio19 · 17-02-2022 12:11pm

This idiot needs a lesson in adulthood. Why the hell are you worried about him and his career and what his sisters think? He's not 12 years old. He's old enough to know the consequences of unprotected sex, and given he already impregnated one girl (and possibly more that he doesn't yet know about) you'd think he'd learn from it. Stop treating him like a child and make him man up to his responsibilities. This child deserves to know who his father is as he grows up and pretending its your gay friend is not the solution. You need to consider the financial side of things and at the very least ensure he pays towards his child's upbringing, whether he wants to co parent or not.

Igotadose · 17-02-2022 12:14pm

Why do you think you'd need a DNC after 6 weeks? Typically it's after 12

boardlady · 17-02-2022 12:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645706#Comment_118645706

Incorrect. D&C is only possible up to about 12 weeks. I didnt see this being asked but, after 12 weeks is a 'delivery', be it miscarriage, abortion or delivery.

Big Bag of Chips · 17-02-2022 12:18pm

worry about ruining a bright young man's future for my selfish desire to keep the child. And the sisters...they love me but they are formidable. They could make life very difficult for us both. I'd be happier to hide away with my mystery baby.

All this is just waffle. He's a 23 year old adult. It's a long time since he was "the baby" of the family. If you're/they're using that excuse at 23 you'll still be using it at 33 and 43.

He could just as easily have gotten a 23 year old girlfriend pregnant.

Your options are abort the baby (doesn't seem to be an option you're considering) or tell him. The option of pretending it's your gay friend's is not an option. Would you falsify the birthcert, a legal document? Would you pretend to your 23 year old bf that you mysteriously got pregnant by your gay friend whilst in a relationship with him? Your child is entitled to know their true family background. For medical history for one.

Make your decision, independent of anyone else. Chances are you're going to be a single parent to this baby anyway, so don't abort it for someone else's sake. He always has the option of walking away and pretending you and the baby don't exist.

I think you need to take everyone else out of the equation for the moment. Him, his sisters, the neighbours, the gay friend. Realistically you are going to be raising this baby alone. Even if he decides to be involved you are likely to the the primary carer. So remove everyone else for the moment and just think about what YOU want.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 12:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645706#Comment_118645706

I was told wait until 8 weeks to be sure that they see it and get it all out. Less chance of retained products of conception apparently. If I do terminate I want it quick and clean without having to worry about haemorrhaging while I have four kids in my care with no one to look after me.

Former Former Former · 17-02-2022 12:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645691#Comment_118645691

He's old enough to know the consequences of unprotected sex,

Fair enough, but this applies to the OP also surely?

If I was in her position, I would not be relying on the village sleazebag to look after the contraception.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 12:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645734#Comment_118645734

I realise that lying about the father is madness. I was feeling like I was going crazy when I made the post, thought of the idea, all of it, which is why I asked the question, am I batshit insane.

I realise that as unpalatable as it is I will have to tell him if I want to keep the child. However, there's no reason that we need to tell anyone else, at least initially. It would make everything easier for him, for me, for my children. I do think or hope there will be a difference between me, a grown woman and already a mother, coming to him with a plan, rather than a distressed teenager crying to him that she needs him and she doesn't know what to do. Really I should give him a little more credit.

Igotadose · 17-02-2022 12:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645749#Comment_118645749

Nonsense. You can have medical abortion (pills) up till twelve weeks. You're being scaremongered. Told by whom? I would report any medical provider for that bad advice.

https://www2.hse.ie/conditions/abortion/methods/medical/#:~:text=and%20the%20abortion.-,You%20must%20be%20no%20more%20than%2012%20weeks%20pregnant%20on,or%20doctor%20will%20refer%20you.

Sile Na Gig · 17-02-2022 12:29pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645789#Comment_118645789

This was advice from my independent midwife who I had for my previous births. She said I could take the pills but there was no guarantee that I would have fully passed the foetus by the time my kids were back from their dad's. She said it would be safer and easier for me to have the dnc, particularly since I've had four vaginal births.

victor8600 · 17-02-2022 12:35pm

A point to consider is that the baby (when she/he grows up) has a right to know who their biological father is. Also, you don't really know how your lover will react, you just assume that he does not need to know. Tell him the truth, and work out his future involvement together. Personally, if I had made someone pregnant, I would prefer to know it sooner, rather than finding out when the baby is 25 and on the quest to find out their biological father.

Am I crazy to want to keep my baby?

Comments