Am I crazy to want to keep my baby?

Well to be fair, there are much worse reasons to have a child than wanting one to love, and it's not like you're some naïve waif who doesn't know what she's getting into. Head or Heart? I think it's fine to make a purely emotional decision where it's only yourself involved, but there are many other people involved, not the least 5 kids. So some rationality must come into it too. That doesn't mean don't go ahead with it, just that you need to make provision for those things.

For instance, say you were very ill, the father of 4 would look after his kids presumably but who would look after number 5? Same if you were debilitated, or died. What if you were unable to work? Or what if the child had special needs which are much more than your existing kids could help with? etc. etc. There are lots of things which you should be considering and planning to mitigate in a way that a more traditional family wouldn't need to.

Again these are not necessarily reasons to terminate the pregnancy, and the amount of love you can give your child is an excellent place to start from, but it still feels like you're looking with some rose-tinted glasses here.

To be honest, the way you describe teenagers coming to you for advice rather than their parents coupled with your subsequent relations with a young man all sounds a bit predatory. Was this how you got close to the young lad, offering a shoulder to cry on?

It strikes me that your priorities are a bit messed up. You seem to have more concern over the sister's of a grown man coming for you, than the impact of having a fifth child on your existing 4 children.

Firstly he's an adult and continuously babying him is a recipe for disaster, god knows how many women this could happen too.

Secondly your gay friend probably wants a child of his own to raise not a part time roll in your life.

Thirdly, you've mentioned your older children would be a help, they may love babies but I doubt as they get older they'll want their fun taken away to be your childcare, they will also be heading off to college soon enough, will you be passing the childcare onto the next 2?

Inspite of whats been said having a child at 40 is risky, I had a friend who had a surprise pregnancy at 37, she found the pregnancy so much harder than her previous ones and then raising a new born even more difficult. Her child also has medical issues which is a strain on her in every way.

You've mentioned being concerned about recovering if you decided to have a termination but don't seem to have the same concerns for recovery after child birth, who will take your children if you go into labour in the middle of the night or have complications which lead you to have to stay longer.

The financial aspect is a big factor and banking on your ex and an arrangement which could be changed is very unfair on all of your children including the unborn one. You say you've a good quality of life now, this will change, babies are expensive even if you have a lot of stuff.

Whether you have the child or not is entirely your choice and you will do what you feel is best for all of you, how you go about it is very messed up based on what you've suggested, not telling the father until your past the abortion cut off, what is this going to accomplish?

Good luck with whatever you decide but drag your head out of the clouds!!

Far from an ideal situation but no point dwelling on it as you can only deal with it in the way that is best for you.

Something in your posts that stood out to me is that you wondering if you want to have the baby because you would love it and maybe that's what you want etc.

Is there a chance that you are trying to fill a void of perhaps loneliness or a sense of purpose post your divorce and you want fun and positivity and propose?

The baby should be the primary concern. His sisters/carer/age/attitude towards women is just a distraction from the real issue. That said, I think it is really wrong to have a child without telling the father and also intending to hide this from the child permanently. (Rape, severe harm, domestic abuse, child abuse etc.. being a few of the exceptions).

You also have to consider your children. Are you planning on lying to them when they ask who the father is? What if the child is the spitting image of him? What is he himself starts asking questions? What is he mentions it to someone etc.? I'm not sure you will be able to keep the paternity as much of a secret as you wish. These things have a habit of coming out. It's not a reason for an abortion but just something to consider.

That said, a child needs love, stability, and care. If you can provide these things then there is no right or wrong. It's a personal choice.

In your situation, I would definitely take to a crisis pregnancy counselor or some other support as it's a lot of unravel.

Best of luck whatever you decide.