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Male Victims of Domestic Violence

124

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,899 ✭✭✭zv2


    Yes. And domestic violence is an insidious thing. Once he/she gets away the first time they are emboldened the next time, and the next...This is why being tough is important. Ideally it should not start in the first place but a person can find themselves being drawn into a situation and not realize what is happening. It is a question of the frog in heating water. Domestic violence is bullying and bullies won't stop if they are not confronted. This stuff can go on for years, decades and the objective of the bully is to completely dominate someone. So there is a choice; sink or swim; surrender or fight, because there is no third option unless the relationship ends. This is what I mean by being tough; you have to go all the way, no matter what the consequences are. A lot of people fear the breakup of the relationship so they make concessions. And more concessions, and more. That is fatal.

    All this is easy to say but these things can be very complex* especially when there are children involved. It takes great skill to deal with these situations and people are not born with these skills, they have to learn them.


    *Have you read Knots by R.D. Lang?

    “Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.” — Voltaire



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 555 ✭✭✭laoisgem


    Since you brought up the subject of female rape victims; If a man doesn't want to father any children he can have minimal pain procedure that shouldn't take more than 5 minutes whereas if a woman is going to be raped by a man there is sweet FA she can do about it.

    I 100% do not agree with any woman getting pregnant without the consent of her partner.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Your minimal procedure, the snip, isn't assured. You really should take a look at the failure rates behind the operation, in addition to some of the horror stories for those that the procedure "went wrong" for.

    Secondly, linking the snip for men, to rape for women makes no logical sense. A man can still be raped relatively easily either through penetration, or that he is made to have sex without consent being given. If you're trying to link fertility, and the ability to have children, then the snip for men, could be compared to a few operations available to women who don't want to have children. There are options out there for women.. if that's what they want.

    The problem is that some people are unwilling to accept the decisions of their partners, and attempt to bypass those decisions, in favour of their own desires.

    I would say that any person being forced to have/raise/support children without their consent is a victim.. You're seeking to apply a double standard.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 555 ✭✭✭laoisgem


    I can't read your reply and not comment but seriously? You definitely need to give your head a wobble



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Nope. Haven't read it. Mostly I'm drawing on experience of my own abusive relationships (both male and female) and also that of a friend who suffered through an abusive marriage with kids involved.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,244 ✭✭✭Brid Hegarty


    @zv2 He says 'she's a psycho'. She's not a psycho, she knows exactly what she is doing.

    Can't she be a psycho who knows exactly what she is doing?



  • Registered Users Posts: 12,908 ✭✭✭✭Rothko


    There's one particular poster on here who really hates men but will do anything to defend women (except when it comes to the trans threads). I'm sure the irony is lost on him.



  • Registered Users Posts: 3 DrSaw


    Domestic violence and abuse by female partners against men is a very real thing. Acknowledging it as such in no way diminishes the awfulness of male domestic violence against female partners. The fact that there is disparity between support services for vulnerable men and those provided for women is just wrong. Anyone suffering domestic abuse should receive adequate support to get them through the situation and out the other side. Unfortunately this issue always gets pulled into a gender battle whereas it is really a human rights issue.

    Imagine if hospital services were provided almost exclusively for one gender over the other. It just would not happen and provision of support services for all victims of domestic violence and abuse should be no different.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    What you fail to recognise is why there is such interest in making this a gender issue, and so, fight against male rights or issues.

    Public attention is short and unreliable. Politics is just as bad, if not worse. Any social movement and their activists, tend to quickly realise that there is little they can do to keep attention focused on their issues, and to garner the support they need to implement change. Feminism is somewhat unique in having established itself over decades (while other movements fizzled out).. but if you look at other social movements, they struggle to maintain any kind of support for extended periods. For example, BLM sought to generate interest in their protests through the application of chaos, in the belief that such chaos would maintain the interest of the public. The simple truth is that media/technology have ensured that people, in general, have short attention spans for anything that doesn't directly affect their lives. It's one of the reasons that male rights groups have so much difficulty in gaining support from other men.. because it doesn't directly affect their lives, until it does. Feminism promoted a sense of sisterhood throughout their campaigns, but Brotherhood has been much harder to achieve for men.

    As such, anything that takes attention away from that cause, is dangerous. There isn't room on the top for two victims, if it means that resources or sympathy are taken away from your preferred group. Which is why there is so much interest in discrediting, dismissing, or deflecting away from male rights or issues that might make males victims in society. It takes away from the support that is allocated to groups who exist due to the perception of women being victims in society.

    I wouldn't call it a human rights issue.. Just simply a social issue that needs to be addressed if we want a balanced, and fair society.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,974 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    For example, BLM sought to generate interest in their protests through the application of chaos, in the belief that such chaos would maintain the interest of the public.

    Not true. The vast majority of BLM protests and protestors were entirely peaceful. You know this.

    There isn't room on the top for two victims, if it means that resources or sympathy are taken away from your preferred group. 

    What? Just because topics go through periods of lesser or greater attention doesn't mean that the activists accept defeat and pack up and go home.

    Greta (a fan favorite around these parts) is still doing her weekly strike. Civil rights in the US have been active on a continuous basis for at least 60 years with periods of greater or lesser attention. Freedom of sexual orientation came about as a consequence of extended campaigning and likewise many of the advances which women have ultimately realised.

    I'm curious, when you argue against the premise of BLM, multiculturalism or any other (dare I say it) 'woke' agenda, are you making at attempt at discrediting, dismissing, or deflecting away from the arguments calling for support or assistance in each of those cases because you want resources or sympathy for your preferred group? If not, why do you think that this is what others are doing, but not you?



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  • Registered Users Posts: 3 DrSaw


    I would argue that access to support services for all is a basic human right. The social issue is domestic violence no matter who it is directed towards.

    Other than that I think your rational for lopsided situation that exists is pretty accurate.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,021 ✭✭✭✭anewme


    People writing walls of text is just another form of passive aggressive attacking.

    The majority of posters exist in real life so are unwilling to exist in college debating scenarios.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Human rights are even harder to implement and provide than social rights.. I think I'll stick with social rights. Far more reliable. But I do agree with your stance overall. It doesn't matter who is involved, domestic abuse should be tackled, and minimized as much as is humanly possible.

    If I'm capable of reading and writing text quickly (considering how much time people spend online), then others are too. Takes me less than two minutes to read/understand anything I've submitted here.

    The irony is your own objection about long posts... is a sign of a passive aggressive attack. Long posts by themselves aren't. And you've just reinforced my earlier point about deflecting, and dismissing the concerns involved.

    Nice.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,814 ✭✭✭PommieBast


    Nail on the head. In my friend's case Social Services did not even have the concept of FoM violence whereas the local police from what I gather had grown suspicious about some of the claims she had thrown at him.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,021 ✭✭✭✭anewme


    Ah stop, using that as an example is as bad as the other fella using Soap Operas as real life examples.

    "Poled", there is not much to say to that as a response either.



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,899 ✭✭✭zv2


    Yes but that's a whole other bucket of fish...

    Post edited by zv2 on

    “Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.” — Voltaire



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,899 ✭✭✭zv2


    What I'm trying to get at is the complexity of abuse. It can exist on multiple levels at the same time, especially when children are involved. This can be overwhelming and things get so tangled it is difficult to know how to get around it. 'The fog of war' is an apt expression. This is what R. D. Laing's book deals with.

    Yes, one thing about being on the receiving end of abuse is it is very educational. It makes you see things from a very different perspective.

    “Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.” — Voltaire



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,339 ✭✭✭alias no.9


    My own personal experience once we had our third child was that I knew that was it, we'd never had a definite number. My wife wasn't as certain as me, and without wishing to stereotype women, she did talk a lot about this with her female friends.

    She's told me about the discussions later and the 'why don't you just plan a little accident' response came from a few people. My wife would never have done this but it's scary to think that people think this is acceptable!

    Just preempting the 'if you were that certain, why didn't you just get the snip' response, well in fact I did, but I didn't rush into it, I gave it a couple of years cooling off period because people and circumstances change over time, perhaps if my wife had been certain she wanted another rather than just thinking she was too young to be finished she may have persuaded me in that cooling off period.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,974 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    From your link.

    Men were more likely (d = .15) to inflict an injury, and overall, 62% of those injured by a partner were women. 

    Also.

    Continuous models showed that younger aged dating samples and a lower proportion of physically aggressive males predicted effect sizes in the female direction. Analyses were limited by the available database, which is biased toward young dating samples in the United States. Wider variations are discussed in terms of two conflicting norms about physical aggression to partners that operate to different degrees in different cultures.

    I don't know what exactly they have in mind when they reference 'younger aged dating samples', but it is possible that this study is not referencing couples who are living together, which is where you would think most forms of abuse occur.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,974 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    What was the point of your post?

    I merely commented on it. Is that not allowed?



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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,245 ✭✭✭Cheerful S


    Periodically you may end up with a narcissistic personality type and may not recognize it till later. There a very clever, love bomb, and then you notice the red flags along the way. Sometimes may endure it because you have strong feelings for the person, though the not right for you, Mind keeps you in this awful place because got too comfortable in the surroundings and have not experienced true love yet in life. I think it's ok to put your partner at ease if they feel anxious, temperaments are different, and she may have got hurt by another in the past. If you are true to the person and not a cheater, can take your phone out any time and have a quick call and text. It's a few minutes of your time with the lads, or ladies at least that's my view on it. If she expresses no cant go out and that's it, that's not a relationship that's a one-way street thing. Again why would you bother, your life be miserable existence?

    I dated a girl who had done the silent treatment ( supposedly tactic women and men use to get you in line) A long time ago. One-way street relationship. Tolerated for a bit. Just got out but she was not overly controlling though but maybe that would have got worse stayed in longer, but she viewed the relationship as one I was there to serve her rather than us being in a relationship. Her time was for her.s and requests were shut down Hard to describe unless you in it. Not a therapy session but had a small knock on effect i must admit. With amazing woman now and very happy, we just understand each other and there soulmate like best to describe it, sound corny but am happy.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    I think the important part of the research, for men, is not the results themselves, but rather the recognition that the selection of research samples drastically change the results.

    By taking a sample of men who are violent, the results are altered by a large margin, suggesting that other pieces of research have sought to select violent men for their sample, and thus reinforce existing gender stereotypes.

    At the same time though, you could have picked better research than this one. Especially, when you make a statement that is not backed up, either by your own research paper or others.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,499 ✭✭✭✭AndrewJRenko


    Can you point to any specific examples of when ' feminist ideologues' said that 'men are always the abusers' and 'how men are allegedly a threat to women on a constant basis' please?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,499 ✭✭✭✭AndrewJRenko




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,503 ✭✭✭✭Mad_maxx


    Is that a serious question?

    Following the murder of aisling Murphy, we had wall to wall of feminists telling us this very thing



  • Registered Users Posts: 603 ✭✭✭zedhead


    Do you not think in the context of a long term relationship a man should be able to trust his partner? If you believe that they would do something like this and deceive you then presumably the trust in the relationship is gone and it cant continue?


    Similar with someone who feels the need to snoop on the partners phone looking for evidence of cheating or other discretions - once the trust is gone nothing can bring it back.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,499 ✭✭✭✭AndrewJRenko


    If we could power the grid off mentions of woke in your posts, we could switch off the Russian gas pipeline.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    You're ignoring the argument that was made. That of sperm-theft. Where your partner takes your sperm with the aim of becoming pregnant, knowing that you don't want to have children. This can involve sex without contraceptives, but it can also involve a woman taking the sperm from the inside of used condoms...

    This is not about accidental pregnancy. It's related to when a woman bypasses the mans wishes to become pregnant.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,503 ✭✭✭✭Mad_maxx


    You're back must be in bits at this stage from mining for WOKE tokens each day online



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,499 ✭✭✭✭AndrewJRenko


    Yes, it is a very serious question. If there were wall to wall examples of this, you'll have no difficulty pointing out a few examples, surely?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,499 ✭✭✭✭AndrewJRenko


    It wouldn't be my idea of a good relationship for sure, but if the relationship is in a place where the guy is concerned about possible pregnancy, he has the relatively simple solution available to him of wrapping up.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,499 ✭✭✭✭AndrewJRenko




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,499 ✭✭✭✭AndrewJRenko


    I often wonder about what kind of circles people need to be hanging around with to come out with this kind of nonsense.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Or properly disposing of them after use?

    But then, that would suggest that you don't trust your partner, and let's be honest here... do you really think about the possibility that your sexual partners will take the sperm from inside condoms to get herself pregnant? Come on, let's be real here. It's an idea that few people would consider without hearing of external examples of it happening, and even then, the automatic response would be that your choices in partners wouldn't do such a thing. Typically, we want to believe the best about those we are intimate with.

    Again, you're sidestepping the issue at play here. Sperm-theft. Not accidental pregnancy. Not methods that people can use to protect themselves during a sexual activity.

    You're really working hard to avoid the context of the discussion at hand.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,086 ✭✭✭Curse These Metal Hands


    So if you don't wash your condoms you deserve what's coming to you? Sounds like victim blaming.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,499 ✭✭✭✭AndrewJRenko


    I'm not sure why you would try to blame me for your words.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,499 ✭✭✭✭AndrewJRenko


    I'm well aware of the issue thanks, and I'm very well aware of the context of the thread and where it fits on the trend of boards.ie activity.

    That doesn't change the facts of the simple preventive measures available to any man who is concerned about their sperm being burgled. Some basic hygiene practices will eliminate any possibility of that being an issue.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,453 ✭✭✭Ray Palmer


    Could somebody put a hole in the condom of their partner? I know we can keep condoms in a safe but we are getting impractical here so lets go the whole hog

    Then there is maybe it is the male partner putting the hole in the condom to get his female partner pregnant against her will. Is that wrong? It is classed as rape in Canada I believe. That being the case it seems reasonable to class either partner as a rapist if either do it right? THe removal of a condom is another tactic known as "stelathing". In Ireland it is considered assault to do this. Should that not be the case for women who are stealthing men to also be charged with assault and any resulting child not the financial responsibility of the male victim.




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,499 ✭✭✭✭AndrewJRenko


    Great questions for anyone who wants to go down that rabbit hole.


    For anyone who wants to avoid being a parent, use a condom and dispose of it safely.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,453 ✭✭✭Ray Palmer


    That is the debate not whether it amuses you or if it doesn't happen enough for you to be interested. You said you knew what the thread was about.


    On another note it seems you are using two accounts to like your own posts



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,086 ✭✭✭Curse These Metal Hands


    Your posts stink of "asking for it." It's almost like you're unaware of how much of a massive hypocrite you are.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    You're still sidestepping the issue. That's been pointed out a number of times, and you continue to ignore it. Seeking to answer or supply statements about a scenario that nobody has talked about.



  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 47,355 CMod ✭✭✭✭Black Swan


    What is your definition of a feminist? Also, what is your definition of “the extreme feminists” you mentioned? It is not a given, that everyone shares in common without some significant differences. Yet you state it here in your post as if it was a given, as if everybody knows what one is, as if they are all the same, except in degree. Makes me wonder if you are just tossing out a word, which as used in the content and context of your post, was meaningless?

    From your post here, I would venture to guess that you do not have the slightest idea what the word feminist means. Or that there are theories of feminism that are substantially different in concept, content, and context.

    That you are clueless about some well known scholarly theories that were complete opposites, or so different that, without a clear definition, we do not know what is being talked about (e.g., Helene Deutsch vs Karan Horney vs Corianne Hutt).

    Perhaps I am missing the craic? Although there are serious problems for both men and women regarding domestic abuse, we will never solve them here. Rather, I should just toss out meaningless words that are meant to be pejorative towards one gender or another. And maybe after a few pints, I will look back at what I posted here and laugh at myself for being so foolish?



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    From your post here, I would venture to guess that you do not have the slightest idea what the word feminist means. Or that there are theories of feminism that are substantially different in concept, content, and context.

    It's hardly an obscure reference. Most people look to mainstream feminism as to what came with first and second wave feminism. which was the original seeking of equality for the genders, the breaking down of discriminatory barriers, and the diminishing of gendered role stereotypes. Extreme feminism, is typically considered the later forms of feminism, which have moved beyond equality, and embraced the nit-picking of society to make women benefit more, are protected more, while also blaming men for all the ills of the world. Extreme feminism was birthed in the halls of US academia, and later by the internet through feminist driven literature.

    That other poster assumed people would understand the difference between feminism and extreme feminism... because most people can. Although considering the impact of modern feminism, many women have stated that they don't want to be associated with feminism.. so while they favour the protections/benefits extended to women, they don't like the more extreme elements that state that "all men are rapists".

    That other poster made a negative association between feminists and getting off at tearing at men... which is accurate. If you've spent any time looking at feminist driven websites, articles, etc there is no shortage of "extreme" views out there that place the entire male gender as being responsible for everything negative that happens to women.. and they're not shy about stating horrible things about men. There will be feminists out there who are full of hate, resentment, or whatever.

    Although there are serious problems for both men and women regarding domestic abuse, we will never solve them here.

    That one is pretty obvious but why are you here at all? To discuss topics with others with differing opinions, or the expectation that your contributions will change reality in some way? Personally, I've always used boards as a way of evolving my arguments (or discovering that some of those arguments were retarded), so that they're better prepared for dealing with the oddball responses you often get in the real world.

    I doubt the other poster will be back to defend his statement, or answer your questions, since it's a while since he posted them.



  • Registered Users Posts: 313 ✭✭NedsNotDead


    If you look at Andrew's posting history you'll see he's a great one for sidestepping things



  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 47,355 CMod ✭✭✭✭Black Swan


    To reiterate for the second (and last time), there are substantial differences in the theories, concepts, definitions, measures, and applications of feminism. The so called “mainstream feminism” label flies in the face of these significant differences, and ignores completely the three (of many) theorists mentioned above in my post.

    To attempt to aggregate these three, much less all the others not mentioned, into a generic mainstream notion is not only a gross oversimplification, but in many cases misleading to the point of being spurious.

    Nuff said. We can agree to disagree. Have a nice day. Cheers.



  • Registered Users Posts: 2,809 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    I dunno, could there be a backlash coming? Men are in many cases treated very badly by women, not physically beaten but mentally and verbally abused and belittled. Society takes no notice at all, even has a bit of a laugh at male hopelessness, but is it possible there’ll be a backlash soon?


    No doubt there are very serious womens issues also.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    It was you that objected to it's usage. I'm fine with it being used that way, because there aren't classifications used when feminism is referred to in the media, education, or generally in society.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    I don't think there's any kind of backlash to that coming. It's more that these behaviours by women are becoming more commonly acknowledged by people. We still have some way to go before the media give any kind of similar airtime to it, compared to women's issues, but there's greater sympathy being given to men's issues than before.

    Still has a long way to go. I do see a backlash in regards to "equality" initiatives by governments and authority bodies, especially in regards to justice, but again, it'll be a while before it happens. Starting to build momentum though.



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