Messaging other people

System · 21-02-2022 3:34pm #1

This discussion was created from comments split from: Ashamed of my scum actions.

timhay · 21-02-2022 2:21pm

hi there,

long term reader of this forum but wanted to stay annoymous for this one. Sorry for hijacking the post but after reading it, it’s so similar I felt starting a new one might be silly.

I’ve a very similar problem. Happily married with a child on the way. I love my wife although admittedly I take her for granted. I suppose my mindset is I would never leave her, I’m still very much attracted to her, I feel secure in the relationship and I subconsciously I feel that the same is true in return.

Similar to the OP, I get a strange thrill from messaging women. Unlike the OP I message women in real life also. So not necessarily people I interact with daily but people I sort of know. Its never people that are from my locality or that know my wife. I suppose I justify that to myself then that it’s not hurting anyone and it’s just silly messages. Deep down I know that’s not the case though and it’s bottom of the barrel behaviour

I don’t know how to stop this behaviour. It’s been ongoing for years. Probably a carry over from my single days. It never goes further than messaging but if the shoe was on the other foot it’d be devestated. I know it’s so wrong deep down but for some reason when I’m in that headspace I don’t think of the potential consequences.

I need help for this, but I don’t even know what type of councillor to attend?

any help would be greatly appreciated.

jaffusmax · 21-02-2022 3:12pm

At the very least you have acknowledged it's an issue!

Does not matter what problem people have the first step is knowing it is there.

I have always found reading books about psychology to put names to feelings and knowing what you're dealing with helps with various issues I have encountered.

A book I always keep handy is Marcus Aurelius Meditations!

B.A._Baracus · 21-02-2022 3:25pm

hey op, you've realised the error of your ways but just stop it. If your girlfriend finds out she will naturally, and rightfully, think you have cheated on her. No matter how much you cry or protest your innocence as it's bad being on a dating site, but talking about sex too? She'll think you cheated on her.

No matter how safe you may think you are. She might grab your phone to google something one day and for the window / app / tab to be open. So just stop it.

Hannibal_Smith · 21-02-2022 3:36pm

Hi Timhay

I moved your post and (what I think?) are replies to it into its own thread. Otherwise posters might just reply to the OP of an old thread without seeing you post.

HS

Princess Calla · 21-02-2022 4:02pm

@timhay

I think you really need to cut off all contact with all the people you message.

These messages serve no purpose other than an ego boost for you. However unbeknownst to you, you may be leading someone on, which isn't a nice thing to do.

The main issue that I see though is you're having a baby. A baby puts a massive strain on a relationship, even the strongest relationships can flounder.

You'll both be sleep deprived, your wife's focus will be looking after your child so you most likely won't be getting the attention you are used to.

If you already have a foot on the path to an affair it will be an easy enough path to walk.

Even if you don't embark on an affair if your wife comes across the messages while she's either pregnant or in new mum mode there really won't be much room for discussion or forgiveness.

It's a very dangerous game you are playing, which is probably half the fun, but if you get found out you have alot to lose.

timhay · 21-02-2022 5:21pm

Thanks for moving this and apologies for having it in the wrong section.

Thank you for all the replies. Just to clarify, I haven’t been cheating and it never lasts more than a few weeks of texting the one person.

I know exactly how wrong it is and I fully consider it a form of cheating and complete low life behaviour.

The problem is, I can’t seem to stop. I’ll go months without doing it and then for no apparent reason I’ll start it again. I don’t even know how to go for help? Who even deals with something like this?

What type of councillor deals with it?

21-02-2022 11:14pm

This might seem obvious, but someone that deals with any kind of adiction and or compulsive behaviors should be able to help you? That's what would seem most logical to me, based on the fact you say you stop for sometimes months at a time, then start again, so there’s something triggering the impulse, the *need* to text, it sounds like almost a craving you have, even if that craving is not for something physical, it's psychological, the feeling you get when texting these women, whether it's an ego boost, or the feeling of doing something you know you shouldn't, whatever it may be.

I agree with others, the fact you a know there’s a problem, and b want to stop, means you’re off on a good footing I would think

Wishing you the best, and enjoy the little one when they arrive f

timhay · 22-02-2022 11:27am

Thank you for all the messages

I wasn’t sure would an addiction councillor or a relationship councillor be more appropriate.

I think if my wife found out I was messaging other women then the marriage etc would be on the rocks.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-02-2022 11:31am

You don't need a specific counsellor who deals with fellas texting women for an ego boost! You just need somewhere where you can talk out your issues. I'd guess there's more than just this going on in your life.

You have it all, and you're looking for more. You're comfortable in your life with your wife. Have no intention of leaving her and are pretty confident that she feels the same. I can 100% guarantee she wouldn't feel the same if she knew you were messaging random women. That you were seeking out these women to start messaging. You would find it very very difficult to convince her that there was nothing to it, it meant nothing. You are betraying her loyalty and you know it. You also know that if she was doing it you'd be devastated.

Imagine she found out. Imagine she picked up your phone one day to ring hers to find it, and saw messages. Imagine she told you that if it didn't stop that she would leave. End your marriage, tell her family and friends why and you'd see your child every second Saturday and Sunday. Do you think you'd be able to stop then?

If you could stop then, you can stop now. Unfortunately some people think they can "have it all" loyal and faithful spouse at home while they get their kicks and ego boost from someone else. You often hear these people say they can't stop. But when the sht hits the fan, suddenly they find they can stop after all.

Imagine your wife issues you an ultimatum today. Imagine your life. You wouldn't ever want to leave her. But if the circumstances were right (wrong) you might find her walking away from you.

FintanMcluskey · 22-02-2022 11:51am

Personally I think modern family and work life has emasculated many men to a point where they need to subconsciously seek validation of their own masculinity. Its what I think the OP is doing.

Up until recently when socialising, a harmless chat with a randomer at a bar or in a smoking area was irrelevant, but the same thing online or in whats app messaging is a death knell for a relationship.

Esther Perel is a modern relationship psychologist. She often speaks about cheating and how the death of the community in countries across the world, has meant that in relationships, couples have never felt so claustrophobic. Where communities once added support, each partner now has to be many things to the other partner, lover, friend, confidant, acquaintance etc. The modern couple live much more isolated lives than previously.

I'm no help to you OP, but I find relationship psychology interesting.

There are no "smooth relationships", love and desire are fleeting emotion's

29-03-2022 7:57pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118667596#Comment_118667596

I completely disagree with the trend of posters here.

You're texting people; it doesn't damage anything, no harm has been done and, if we're all honest, most people do this in relationships. No guy I know are 100% pure. That's a myth.

Of course, bedding women is a different matter.

But this idea that talking to other people is "a form of cheating" is absurd.

And no, it seems very weird that people are saying "see a councillor". You don't sound deranged to me at all, you're just a man - and this is the kind of thing men do. If they don't do it, they think about doing it. It's the very nature of man.

29-03-2022 8:26pm

If I was in a relationship and my girlfriend was doing this I'd straight up dump her.

Only a cuck would put up with this.

OP, what would you do if you caught your wife doing this? If you'd be unhappy about it then you know it must stop.

If you think it's a compulsion, then getting help sounds like a good plan.

Hannibal_Smith · 30-03-2022 9:56pm

Mod Note

@KieferFan69 I've deleted your posts. PI is a heavily moderated forum where posters are required to offer advice to an OP when replying to their thread.

Please read the Charter before posting in PI/RI again

HS

Hannibal_Smith · 30-03-2022 10:04pm

In fact as the OP hasn't been back in a month I'll close this one off.

Timhay if you want it reopened for further advice just PM one of the Mod Team.

Messaging other people

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