Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

Well, this week... it's been a f**king nightmare. Apologies for swearing, but it's been horrible.

My dog was killed a few days ago. He was 4 years old, and an absolute sweetheart. One of our other dogs killed him. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. This has truly broken me. My brother made the discovery, and he collapsed into a wreck. I wasn't there, I admit, my depression sapped my energy, so I was in bed early. But I found out the next day. And I am a mix of emotions. Guilty, angry, upset, and most importantly, I'm just so very, very angry. When the tears come, and they hit me often, it's just realizing I won't get to hug him again. He was his own personality. Genuinely a lovely little guy. His death was horrific... I'll spare the details. But I'm frustrated, and furious. My brother is tougher than me-it takes a lot to rattle him. And from what I was told, he was on the border of a breakdown. I feel like I've let everyone down. I just cannot put into words how I feel. But I'm like a zombie, right now.

The other dog is isolated, and is being put to sleep today. He's been sedated, and the vet will be on later to put him to sleep. We've asked the vet to have him cremated and spread where he chooses.

Our dog who was killed, we've chosen to bury ourselves. On our property. He may also be cremated, but that is a decision we haven't taken yet. Honestly, I'm all over the place. I apologise if this doesn't make a lot of sense, nothing is making sense right now.

Thank you. I love dogs too. And I'm just a mess. I couldn't sleep last night. Every time I close my eyes I see him, running all over the place, happy and chilled out. And then I hear his cries of pain (all imagined) and I open my eyes. I can't sleep. I'm afraid to forget him, I'm afraid of everything right now. I've had to push appointments back. Make up excuses.

I can barely function. My anxiety is genuinely making me feel cold and anxious. I had to feed my cats today, and I just broke down when I saw them. This little guy had started to imitate the cats, rubbing his head off of my stomach when he lay down on my lap.

(Another long post, I guess I just need to get stuff off of my mind)

Saturday I spent all day in bed. I couldn't face the day. I got up to use the bathroom, and then went back to bed. I just saw the sunlight...and I couldn't face it. It felt like it was mocking me. I know, this...sounds like the reaction of a child. But the world feels darker now. And a little more empty. My dreams remain strange. So very strange. Senseless, and yet I try to make sense of them.

Today, (Sunday, though it's the early hours of Monday morning, as I write this) I went outside. I stood by my dog's grave, and I spoke to him, tears running down my eyes. Then I went for a walk, continuing to just speak out loud, drying my eyes with tissues, the more I spoke. Going somewhere quiet and peaceful, and empty, and alone. Just to speak. Just to feel like I could speak out loud. Vent and get so much out of my system. I spoke to people who have long since passed, to deceased family, deceased friends, pets who passed before. And I stayed outside for a long time. For the past few days, I couldn't go outside unless I was forced to. (those errands I spoke of before, had to be done. No two ways about it). But once I got home, I stayed indoors. Everywhere reminded me of him.

I hadn't been feeling well. Ever since finding out, my mind and my body have been all over the place. I became sick to my very stomach, to the point where I had to take medicine for it. I wasn't able to speak correctly, even talking gibberish at times. I wasn't making sense. I was sometimes rambling, scrambling words together. I could type things out, for sure, but I couldn't speak, coherently.

I tried to stay busy today. Not majorly busy, but helping folks out. Cooking dinner because people have to be up early tomorrow. Exceptionally earlier than usual. Doing little tasks to help out. Today was the first time I could talk about him, and somewhat keep it together. A small victory. Our dog walked in (the innocent party), and I hugged her. At night, my cat came in (she'd been away for a few days, been putting out food for her, and she ate it, but tonight she came indoors), and I picked her up and hugged her and nuzzled her on the head. I'm sure to them I'm like an idiot, but I want them to know they're important to me. I wanted to let everyone know how important they were to me. Family included.

We have the vet booked for Monday, to put the other dog to sleep. Gave him his final meal too. It feels...surreal, is that the word I want? Talking about someone, some thing, knowing they won't be alive after Monday? Feeling like an executioner. Yet knowing this is for the best, yet wondering what I could have done to change all this. The dog is risky, his behaviour is beyond dangerous. If he's going to kill a dog who was his friend, in so violent a manner, then who knows what else he'd do. My anger towards him is now tinged with pity.

There's so much guilt I have now. So much has changed in the last (almost) week. I've known pain, I've known loss, of family, of friends... and this feels like all of that, compounded by guilt, feeling responsible. It's brought up years of emotions that I'd long thought I'd dealt with.

My mother told me to move on, or else it will eat me up, consume me. I know she feels it too. At times she gets emotional talking about him. But it's important to talk about him, I think. At least now. I couldn't do it for days before. And I still find it very difficult. But it's important to talk about him, positively. To honour him. Grief is complicated. It always will be. Moreso when it's inflicted rather than the natural order of life.

He's left his pawprints on my heart. He's given me so many wonderful memories. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Even if the tears say otherwise.

Hi Gremlinertia,

Thank you for responding. It means so much. I was beginning to worry that I might have been annoying other posters, especially what's going on in the world right now. I have decided to take an online service to deal with this (it's paid for, but I won't print the name because I'm not promoting them because it would be like promoting a medication). The reason being that I'm still cautious. I'll still wear my mask, for example. I'm nervous going to public buildings without a mask. I have managed to do all the basics-eating, washing, cleaning up. Self care hasn't been a major issue. But today (Monday) was not without challenges.

My mother had to be up early to go to hospital for a minor procedure on her eye. Had to be out of the house at about 6 am. So it was all hustle and bustle, and me staying awake until about 5 am to make sure she was awake early. Prepping stuff for her to go to the hospital, a light breakfast, as directed. I then went to bed at 8am. (Procedure went well, she's got no depth perception because her eye is bandaged, so she's irritated by it. It'll heal up, she'll be back to normal. But for the time being, she's irritable). Before going to the hospital, she shed a few tears, thinking about our dog, and being so angry that the one who took his life was still alive. We'd made arrangements though.

I got up at around 3 or 4 pm to find out that the other dog had been put to sleep. My brother oversaw it, the vet arrived early in the morning, and I found out about it afterwards. My brother dealt with it, took away his body too. So I woke up to ghosts. A weird sensation, really. Though our other dog is still alive, and our cat came up for food, again. Both are very important to me. But I sat there, strangely wondering how that dog felt in his final moments.

I went back to the dog's house, where the dogs used to sleep. It’s so empty there, now. Almost like a haunted house. Just memories, and feelings of 'this isn't right'. I went for a walk, just to kind of, clear my head. I visited his grave again. Spoke beside it. Feels so odd. I was talking out loud, in a lonely, quiet walk. But it's important to me, to speak. It's like a long stream of apologies. Saying sorry for everything, to everyone, and yet... the guilt stays. The emotions spring up too. I'm not trying to fight them either.

Is it wrong to feel pity for him? The dog, I mean. The one who did the killing. I don't know what made him so angry and aggressive, to the point where he became violent beyond belief. The pity is tinged with anger too. We've had dogs before, that had issues. But they'd tend to 'burn' up their aggression in other activities. And their issues were usually simple stuff like biting, or chasing. No killing, unless it was rodents (mice, rats, the usual). They'd end up so tired from all their exercising, that their anger dissipated. It was great to watch. Healthy too. Because they'd drag me along too. It was great exercise. It was the benefit of being rural- their energy had an outlet. And over time, the more they trusted people. Their issues disappeared. And they became the sweetest, kindest animals. Often spoilt.

This evening, our dog was barking. Usually barking at foxes in the distance. I said, without thinking 'Oh, that's definitely *dog's name* barking'. And my brother turned around to me, and said, 'She's the only one left'. Something about that was so scary to me, about how everything changed in an instant. And all in all, before I sat down to type this, I had a major panic attack. Sweating, hand washing, panic, my anxiety going mental. I'm not blaming it on something someone said, it's just facts. But it brought it all home.

Had a small argument where I almost smashed my phone due to not being able to find an app. To want to do that, was kind of bizarre. But it came after my panic attack. I haven't had one of those in months, but everything has just... made me anxious, to say the least. And strangely, that 'release' of emotions, it was me admitting I'm not okay, to myself. I've apologised since then. So strange how things have changed. When Tuesday arrives, It'll be a week since he died. A week since he was so cruelly taken. And on Wednesday it will be a week since I found out.

Hug your pets. Hug your family. Hug your loved ones. Things can change so goddamn quickly.

(I started typing this on Tuesday, but the week drained me. I fell asleep. Slept a solid 12 hours. Strange dreams continue.)

Hi Gremlinertia,

Thank you for responding, and thank you for the concern. You're right. It's very powerful. A level of complicated grief that I had experienced before, but was hoping I wouldn't experience for so long. I've lost family, and I've lost pets. One of the things that I always was grateful for (an odd turn of phrase, but no other way I could describe it) was getting to say my final goodbyes to everyone I cared about. Be they Family, Friends and pets. To not be able to say goodbye. To not know it was a goodbye. That's what really angers me. It's not being able to say how much he meant to me, to all of us. He probably knew, but saying it would have meant SOOO much to all of us. So much to me.

The one's I regret were the moments I didn't take to say my goodbyes. Or when I didn't know. I've held my composure saying goodbye to some, but others, I've broken down crying. I remember feeling like one particular pet I didn't honour enough, especially considering how much love she gave the family. That, coupled with other things, created a very dark period in my life. Made me go back into therapy, because I was so angry. That pet died of old age, had a great life, and always made us smile. But it didn't feel like it was enough.

We're very similar, when it comes to pets. My family and I still talk about dogs we had from years ago. Who've passed on. There's some who genuinely left a crater that was never filled. They were there for pivotal moments in our lives. During serious illness, during moments when we lost family members. When they were so vital to keep us sane. I remember I buried one dog, on my own, because it seemed like nobody else could (he died of old age, having lived a long, healthy life). That's not criticism, it's just his importance. He passed a year before my father. Somewhat fitting, as they were never apart. I can vividly recall the funerals of pets. I can remember a few where I was emotionally broken afterwards. (To the point where I nearly ended it all). Those I can recall like yesterday. But they're important, I think. Because I remember them. To remember someone is the most important thing. It can't be taken away, it stays in your being.

I had to run more errands today. Didn't get a lot of sleep, was out of bed early. Our power will be out for maintenance on Wednesday, so had to get some things done that would normally be done Wednesday. I took a taxi (with a regular service), and was just telling the driver (she's an animal person too, I've often driven with her) all the great memories we had of our little dog. All the funny things he'd do. The way he helped bring one of our dogs back from a moment she almost died. When we'd lost one dog to poisoning, and almost lost her. He brought the entire family back from the brink, that time. (Christ, he was so important.) I just told this whole story, of this wonderful soul who'd graced our lives. And of how lost we've been since. Just this wonderful little spirit.

I even went into a church, lit a few candles, and just sat there. Closed my eyes. Sat in the silence. Just thought about him.

When I got home, I saw my other dog... and I got emotional, I felt so guilty. Being away from home was important, but it felt like I was on autopilot. Being home. I go into this state. I can't explain what it's like, it's like I just drift, and I sit there, and just... wait to wake up. I think. Like I'm in a dream that's not genuine. And then my real dreams feel dour. Strange. I can feel the emotions of them while I'm in them. But I don't recall the details of them. Just how they made me feel. This is an odd exception to the dream I had almost a week ago.

Everything now takes so much more effort. It's a major job, just to do the basics. And so much other stuff I just have stopped doing. I can't find the desire. My energy isn't there. I've given away stuff, not personal possessions, but things like chocolate, unopened, that I have no desire to eat. I can eat the regular meals, and the biscuit with coffee and so on. But outside of that, I've no desire for anything else. It's a total change in my personal habits. There's also these things like... I want to preserve everything. Like I can just 'freeze' the world. Keep it the same as before he died. Just pause everything, because the world shouldn't continue to go on as normal. (And yeah, I know 'normal' is the odd turn of phrase on account of what's happening in the world right now.) Everything is so odd. I have parcels that are unopened. They've been there for weeks, months even. And opening them... it'll make the world different. Not the same. Not like it was.

There's all this emotional confusion, really. So many goddamn regrets. A huge part of me is missing now, and nothing feels the same. So much has changed in such a quick frame of time.

I know comparing a human and an animal would upset some. But for me, it's more about the importance they have in my life. And that cannot be measured.

Edit: What I originally said was without thinking. Apologies.

Had my first online therapy session today.

I think the counsellor was just trying to get a handle on me, before really delving into my issues. Covered a lot of the bases. I made arrangements for a follow up session in about two weeks time.

Much of it's going back into my childhood. There's been some issues that I don't know if I've dealt with, or didn't want to deal with. Much of it probably 'triggered' (an overused word) by everything that's happened.

It feels selfish to discuss my problems, at the moment. Therapist mentioned that I should practice forgiveness. Easier said than done.

I hope everyone has been well. Genuinely. It’s been quiet on boards these last few weeks. 

Got a new puppy. Introduced him to our other dog. She’s taken to him. Given her some ‘pep’ in her step again. She was very… hyper when she’d see us. Very lonely. . Now with this little guy, she’s barking and standing up to look in the window. 

There’s still this heaviness to everything. It’s still very raw. Even talking about stuff, feels like it happened last week. Grief is weird.

'Impenetrable Grey'... that's it. It's exactly it.

Like everything is meaningless. Somedays it feels like one may want to cry, but the body wont allow it. And that's the worst feeling. When it feels like one is not allowing the emotions out, when it couldn't be further from the truth. Something is holding them back.

Very sorry you're going through the rough times now too. Would rather the world was a happy place. But sadly, it rarely ever is. OR we con ourselves into thinking it is.

Back after a break from here. News even worse these days.

Finding it really hard to function.

Forcing myself to get exercise when I can. It makes a big difference. Also back wearing ear plugs which really helps my sleep. And big healthy breakfasts work. And lots of tea breaks. And pets are wonderful. Especially cats, they don't put you under pressure like dogs do. 😀 But they are all gifts.

Had a brief dip back into alcohol before Paddy's Day. Absolute disaster. Felt brutally depressed for days after. I'm done with it now.

Have a big family occasion to attend to on Sunday. Just going to get in, chat, eat and get out. No alcohol and no running myself down.

Bit hyper today. Can't relax or focus.

A medical appointment I'd been waiting for has been postponed and now clashes with another medical appointment I'd been waiting for. What are the chances of that?

Both physical.

Taking another break from boards.

Going round in circles.

Take it easy everyone. And hope you get some peace and quiet. And take time out for yourself when you can. Doing nothing is ok too. It's a crazy stressful time.

I'm back on but avoiding all the negative threads or saying anything negative even if it's tongue in cheek.

I've been using an Irish one, for my counselling. It's paid, but it's good quality, professional. (I don't know if I can mention it because it might look like I'm promoting them).

You can narrow down the therapist you want, so that you're working with a professional. Sites like betterhelp have been called into question because you may not get an actual professional therapist. You may just be paying to have a penpal.

There's this weird feeling I've been having since everything that happened. You know that feeling you have, after a bad flu, or a bad headcold, where you think you've recovered, but you're not 'present', you don't feel yourself, and you're waiting to feel normal.

That's what I've been feeling for weeks now. Almost 2 months. Like the skin I'm in isn't the one I'm meant to be wearing. It's a very weird feeling. Can't connect with people. Can't focus on my usual activities. It's frustrating, even in therapy, I feel like I'm not quite there.

(I've been using Fettle. They're an online therapy service, where you do zoom therapy sessions. They cost about 59 euro per session.)

Edit: Included therapy service.

I've followed this thread for a while now and some very difficult experiences many people are going through, I've rarely commented but have acknowledged the support people give each other and it's wonderful to see.

It took me quite a while to admit I need some help, some personal matters related to a journey I commenced in search for some information having spent 16 years in state care and partly the isolation over the past 2 years. I should also mention I was diagnosed with a Thyroid disease 4 years ago which had difficult side effects sometimes confused with Mental Health symptoms , I may be in remission for that challenge though but a long process to determine that.

I have a few dear friends and an excellent GP who detected I might be struggling Two months ago and she's reffered me for counselling recently (I had to opt in and have done so but could take 6 weeks) . She asked me to take a week to consider medication (I'm old school and nervous of medicines generally).

So my review took place on Friday last, quite emotional but she was incredible and supportive . So tomorrow I start on medication and she did say it will take few weeks to help.

I'm 54, always lived independently, faced many ups and downs and challenges in life and despite being brought up in state care and at a time you were literally on your own at 18, I had real struggles in early 20"s including brief homelessness, forged a successful career, travelled the world and purchased a small cottage in the Midlands. I've been engaged but an odd affect of living in care is the lack of ability to forge close relationships beyond a personal friendship, not easy to explain. I never thought I would struggle mentally, I thought perhaps, I was hard as nails.

It took a while for me to admit I need some help, it's a little overwhelming but, I'll try start this journey with positivity. Reaching out was hard to do and despite all the negativity in the world today and indeed Ireland, I've learned there's equally a lot of goodness & positivity to be found.

So that's my story, I've learned, I'm not alone.

I hope the weekend brought you some solace.

I don't know if it was just the weather, but I felt the same. Just tired. Went to bed around 5 pm, woke up at 10 am. I think the weather being odd isn't helping either. We got a good burst of sunshine and vitamin D the last few days, then Friday and Saturday were dull. And then rain.

Not fun.

Whenever I'm feeling the stress and tiredness I tend to just wallop a pillow, or get out of the house. Something, anything to burn up the energy. Even something like chopping wood has helped me. You sweat out a lot of emotions.

anyone any advice on having someone sectioned?