Won't let me go.

cyclohead · 14-03-2022 10:51pm #1

I'll cut to the chase. Marriage is over. Wife long term illness and only wants me to care for her. 3 kids, youngest 8.

She is unable to care for herself.

I've moved on. New relationship, but only casual, as still living at home to take care of her and of course being Dad.

She doesn't want anyone knowing marriage is over, except the people she tells, her family, aunt and her best friends. I'm not allowed tell anyone, including my family.

I get one evening and night with my girlfriend, but have to be home by 11 following morning.

We constantly argue and it's not a nice house to live in, especially for the kids.

The trouble is that I can see no solution.

I can't take kids out of their family home. They wouldn't leave anyways. She is unable to look after them.

She always finds faults in all that I do and assumes I'm trying to do something on purpose to wind her up, even though I don't.

She won't let my girlfriend (of over 1 yr) meet our kids.

I'm sick of her and her controlling ways. I'm thinking of just saying... **** it. Change my status on Facebook to separated/ single... or whatever and deal with the consequences from her.

I'm looking for advice from people that may have gone/going through similar situations.

Thanks.

CarrieAnne · 16-03-2022 2:15pm

If you post on facebook your new single/separated status before your family or children know you will cause deep upset and hurt. It is a private matter and serious, and worthy of being told to the right people at the right time in the appropriate way.

If you are already seeing someone, you owe it to the children to be honest.

(As it is, to them it will appear like your cheating on their Mother. Not single and starting something new with someone else. You will be spotted... everything comes out in the end in my opinion.) If your new relationship is "casual" by your own words, there is no need for your girlfriend to meet your children.

As for how to proceed... your with someone else the marriage is over.

Tell the children, start mediation, break up openly...

I get how hard that is, but stating as you are is not an option either

Henry Ford III · 16-03-2022 7:11pm

Sounds like she's in total control OP.

Circumstances are certainly difficult, but you need to assert yourself a bit I think.

You can tell anyone you wish the state of your marriage for example.

Longer term where would you like to live? What provision could you make for your wife's care?

It's not easy I realise.

Jequ0n · 16-03-2022 7:26pm

What happens if you defy her demands? How does she react if you come back later then the 11 am curfew?

She has an unhealthy level of control on your life for sure. Have you read up on domestic violence? Checking the mens aid website is probably a good idea to wrap your head around what might be happening in your home.

Senature · 16-03-2022 8:10pm

If you divorce, and divide your assets, will she be able to provide for herself on an ongoing basis?

Who will take care of the children, both financially and in practical terms - meals, lifts, cleaning up etc?

There are a lot of things you need to think about and sort out, and it will not be easy. Introducing your casual partner to your kids is the least of your worries.

Pinoy adventure · 16-03-2022 8:17pm

Walk.

you don’t need her in your life.

Senature · 16-03-2022 9:22pm

The op says his wife has a long term illness and can't look after herself. Depending on the extent of this, a judge could consider her to be his responsibility. Whether he divorces or not he may have to provide for her long term, in addition to providing for his children. That is what marriage means. He can't just "walk".

Definitely in need of good professional advice op.

laoisgem · 16-03-2022 9:51pm

You can'r just walk, by your own definition your children can't depend on wife. The fact that they won't leave the family home, they should be made aware of the alternatives? If you leave would they go into care such as your wife's inability to care for them?

Pinoy adventure · 16-03-2022 11:08pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118795580#Comment_118795580

Family could step in.

walk,in fact run.

CreadanLady · 04-04-2022 5:30pm

Op I find your attitude very worrying, and your actions a poor reflection on yourslelf.

Your wife sadly gets an illness that means she needs long term care - and your response is to leave and hook up with a casual girlfriend? Really? Doesn't look great.

Sure, your wife cannot dictate who you tell or do not tell about your marriage. She is in the wrong there. you can tell whoever you see fit to tell. it is your marriage as much as it is hers, she does not get a veto.

But I am appalled that you are considering introducing your casual girlfriend to the kids. If she is only casual, then what for? This would be of no benefit whatsoever to your kids, so you would be only doing it to spite your wife.

Your behaviour is not going to wash well in court truth be told. The facts are this.

Your relationship has broken down an
regardless of your reasons, the optics are that it is going to look like you bailed because of her disability.
The court is going to be interested in protecting the best interests of the children first and foremost, and your wife with a disability second-most (on account of her being the primary caregiver by default and her disability)
you will be considered thirdly and lastly and leastly.
because your wife is now disabled and in need of regular care, she will be classed as a dependent of yours and it will be up to you to provide for her.
A divorce only dissolves the marriage - you will still be responsible for providing for the care of both your wife and your children. The only thing divorce gives you is the right to legally marry again. All your previous obligations will remain.
So married or divorced, there is no absolving yourself or reducing your exposure for responsibility for your wife and kids.
The more you try to wriggle out of anything, the worse it makes you look.

So my point is this - this is marriage - you signed up to it and you are in it for the long haul and you have caring responsibilities that you must step up to or else may be in contempt of court.

My second point is that there is this misconception about what divorce is. People have this notion that it abolves you of obligations and reverts you to the pre-marriage state. It very much does not. All it does is allow you to remarry. That is all. All obligations entered into in the marriage still have to be honoured, beit providing for children, (ex) wife and any other dependents or debts.

CreadanLady · 04-04-2022 5:44pm

Op i think you need to think very carefully about what you do here. If you leave your wife and walk out, and if your wife is unable to care for the children without assistance, and you can't/won't provide that help, beit providing care in person or by providing money to pay for that care then the children may well end up having to taken into care. Even if her family step in, it'll still have to involve Tusla and be approved by them and the court.

I can tell you, from the outside it'll look desperate on you. It'll look like your wife got a disability and then you bailed on her and the kids. Your reputation will be in tatters locally and the children would have a very hard time forgiving you in years to come. Lost reputations are extremely hard to patch up. Fractured realationships between children and parents, even more so.

Is this all worth it? Just because you want to have your floozy on the side? tread carefully.

CrookedJack · 04-04-2022 6:05pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058237398/wont-let-me-go

First of all disregard any poster who talks about you wanting "to have your floozy on the side" - they are leaping to judgment and don't have your best interest at heart.

There are a few things to unpack here and some more information would help.

How long has the marriage been over and how long has your wife been disabled? Also How serious is the relationship with your girlfriend?

You say you get one evening and night a week, why is that? what is stopping you taking more? do you have someone else in to mind the kids? If your girlfriend had met them would she be open to having them join you when you stay over?

When you say you can't take the kids out of the family home, why not? They're children, they generally don't get to decide where the family home is, right?

Also, what is stopping you telling people your marriage has ended, she can't be, so it must be something you're choosing yourself. Why?

mrslancaster · 04-04-2022 6:57pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118879873#Comment_118879873

OP says his marriage is over. He needs to get his life sorted as it's not good for his children or his wife if they all continue living like there's no problem. Everyone going through a divorce has issues to sort out - children, finances, family home. The OP has the extra issue of a wife with an illness who can't care for herself or the children so it's a serious situation for everyone. Also, definitly not the right time to bring his new friend into his children's lives IMO.

OP needs to get real here, stop dragging out the inevitable and get proper legal advice.

Deeec · 04-04-2022 7:17pm

I think the main problem here is who will look after your wife if you leave - you say she is unable to care of or herself due to her illness. Sounds like she wouldn't be able to care for the children either.

The children would have to go with you - Are you sure your new girlfriend wants to take all this on?

If you leave you will be labeled a bad guy for running out on a sick wife.

It's a very tough situation you are in and I actually do think you need to leave but you have to give consideration to the above as your situation is very complicated.

CreadanLady · 05-04-2022 12:00am

Leaving your wife is grand and ok and understandable in normal circumstances, but when the wife has a disability that is so profound that she cannot care for herself and needs a carer, I think it is morally wrong to just walk out on her and the children in those circumstances. At least if you do you have to provide for their care. Either yourself or a hired carer, or a mix of both.

You simply cannot and should not abandon your wife given that she is profoundly disabled. If you do, prepared for it to be viewed very dimly indeed by those around you. Regardless of your intent or how you wish it to be seen, it will be seen from the outside as you abandoning your profoundly disabled wife and children 4 4th this girlfriend.

I think maybe you should get a councillor involved and and see if there is some arrangement that you and your wife can come to whereby why you will be her carer and and care for the children but still have have some level of independence.

As I said people need to realise that when you get married you are literally signing your life away in one form or another. Even with divorce you are still financially tied to your ex spells. In this particular case because of the severe disability Dr she is your responsibility physically as well as financially

ahappychappy · 05-04-2022 3:28pm

The way I see it there are two separate issues. The first issue is the children - you will need to either put supports in the family home or secure legal agreement to take them with you when you leave. The second you will need to support your wife either financially for care, this will depend on your income the provision for your children and your housing needs will generally come first - if we follow the UK divorce trend.

You signed up for marriage and that marriage is now over. Your legal responsibilities are for your children not an adult who has the ability to make their own arrangements . I dont believe a court will make another adult responsible for another against their will! Sadly your wife will need to rely on the state as she is entitled to have a care package etc. Morals and ethics are not legal responsibilities.

Whatever you do - do not introduce a new woman into the children's lives in the middle of this - let that occur latter when things are settled and hopefully your partner wont be tainted with the worst time of your children's lives.

CreadanLady · 05-04-2022 4:05pm

A court absolutely will make a person responsible for another. Spousal maintenance.

During a divorce, the court can order one spouse to pay maintenance to the other if, during the marriage, one spouse was financially dependent on the other. In the overwhelming majority of cases, that means an ex husband paying spousal maintenance to the ex wife for an indefinite duration. This is in ADDITION to child maintenance, up to age 18/23. Any spousal maintenance is open to review and adjustment at a future time, long after the divorce is granted. Say for example, if the husband comes in to an inheritance or a big pension. The ex wife can apply to the court for the spousal maintenance to be reviewed in light of the changed circumstances.

So in my opinion, dovorce is a bit of misnomer in the irish context. There is no clean break. All it does is afford the parties the right to remarry. All other obligations remain in effect, if altered in the altered form of spousal maintenance. Sometimes the parites are of equal standing financially speaking and dependence wise, so there is not much liability of one to the other. But other times, like here where the wife has a serious disability, there is a huge disparity between means - and so it results in a very significant obligation to maintain on the spouse with the more resources.

The truth is, marriage is effectively permanent until death do you part. Divorce is only partial.

So given the wife's condition, the Op could be in line for quite a hefty spousal maintenance package for her. The burden of that would be much the same for if he was to stay married to her. Of course, there is the option of being divorced but opting (by agreement) to be her carer in lieu of some portion of the maintenance. There is no reason why that could not be done if all parties were agreed on it. That too would entitle him to be in receipt of carers allowance, irrespective of him being married to her or not.

CrookedJack · 05-04-2022 11:02pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118884393#Comment_118884393

I'm sorry but you're posting several extremely biased posts inferring very negative things about the OPs situation and then going on long rants about how terrible the situation is. Can you not post a bit more responsibly? Ask the OP questions rather than making assuming negative details. He is here in a very vulnerable situation, obviously distraught and needing advice and you're ladling on the drama to serve what is clearly your own agenda.

I've been waiting for some kind of mod direction here, but in it's absence I'm going to ask you to please consider being less dramatic and more considerate of the OPs request for help, the tone of your posts is appalling.

06-04-2022 12:44am

I think the OP needs professional advice.

Separations are complicated enough, but his has extra layers of complication due to the fact that his wife has a disability which means she cannot care for herself, and cannot support herself financially. Her family have no obligation to step in and take on her care. The State may award her a disability allowance or invalidity pension (if they haven't already) but it may not be sufficient means for her to live on. In that case he can be ordered to pay spousal maintenance and towards any mortgage.

The bottom line is, what does he expect his wife to do, and how does he expect her to support herself, after the separation? If she is unable to care for the children, then he will have to take on the role of primary carer as well. So how wlll that work? Will the kids live with him ?

In my personal opinion, he should not be introducing anyone new to his kids, until after the relationship with their mother is formally and legally ended and the dust has settled. This is not the time.

Purple Mountain · 06-04-2022 1:38am

Book a consultation with a reputable family law solicitor as a matter of urgency.

CreadanLady · 06-04-2022 1:45am

I agree. This fraught time is not the time to be adding a new girlfriend into the mix.. It is not in anyone's interests to do so, least of all the children.

@CrookedJack I disagree. I'm not giving any incorrect advice I'm just spelling out clearly what the reality of divorce negotiable can be like. At the best of times it can be onerous and this particular case is more complicated than usual, for obvious reasons.

The most serious thing the op needs to realise is that he really needs to sort out who is going to take care of the kids. That is by far the most important thing here. All else is secondary.

If the wife cannot care for herself, then she cannot care for the children. And if op leaves the family home, then what? Someone has to step in.

The alternative is tusla getting involved, and that is not in nobody's interests.

spaceHopper · 22-04-2022 12:32pm

I think there is also an element of people been harsh on the OP.

“Wife long term illness and only wants me to care for her.”

“She is unable to care for herself.” -- more like unwilling as it keeps the op hooked either way something has to change here, get the public health nurse to arrange an OT assessment of the home and her. If she’s that bad you need a care package.

“We constantly argue and it's not a nice house to live in, especially for the kids.” – facing up to been trapped as some are suggesting isn’t going to fix this or stop the home becoming toxic. It’s probably better for the kids that OP is allowed to have their own life and their ex gets help for long term illness and moves on with their life too.

cyclohead · 27-10-2022 7:37pm

Thank you, your input has been appreciated. I'm still here. She has been very abusive to older kids, calling them names, insulting them.. horrible to them at times. Tusla are aware of everything. Older girl has social worker that she confides in. I've spoken with social worker and she believes that I should try and do something to help the kids stay away from situations like those.

She is abrupt and puts me down many times every single day.

HSE now provide a carer mon to Friday for 2 hours, 1 morning, 1 afternoon.

If I leave, they will reassess the situation.

There are 3 little mental health's to be catered for and in my opinion, they would be better off avoiding the bad times.

My GF likes her own space. Not looking to be their new mom, but would like to meet them.

Dial Hard · 06-11-2022 12:28pm

It's been well over six months since you started this thread - have you sought legal advice at any point?

CareBear12 · 01-08-2023 9:49am

Sounds like she would have been well shot of you by now! Whatever happened to marriage vows! In sickness and health... Appalling stuff! Sounds like you just can't wait to get the leg over..

Cyril706 · 28-08-2023 10:30pm

A few years ago, I found myself in a similar situation with my partner – constant bickering, feeling trapped, and struggling with maintaining boundaries. It sounds like you're in a tough spot, especially having to juggle between being a dad, caretaker, and maintaining your own emotional well-being. I remember feeling helpless when my partner constantly second-guessed my intentions, making everyday tasks and interactions feel like a battle.

One thing saved us, and this was lgbt couples counseling. It gave us tools to communicate better, understand each other's perspectives, and find mutual ground. For instance, through the counseling, we realized that much of our conflict was due to unspoken expectations and past baggage, not the immediate issues at hand. Maybe exploring couples therapy could be beneficial for you too.

Won't let me go.

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