Endless silence on dating apps

The DayDream · 05-01-2022 05:51AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118366333#Comment_118366333

This is exactly what happens to me on the apps - women putting zero effort into the conversation, I'm asking questions getting no questions back. It's like, do they think they're a celebrity being interviewed by a journalist or something?

I would honestly rather they just not respond and unmatch rather than make me carry the entire conversation if they're not really that interested. My own theory is that the nature of these apps and the ratios of men to women leads to the latter being very picky, possibly having very high expectations. Like they literally are not gonna get excited about a match that isnt a handsome doctor lol.

If I send 2 questions and neither response includes a question back I just unmatch and move on. And it feels much better than trying to squeeze a convo out of someone who cant be arsed.

Now for OP, I'm guessing being a gay man makes for it's own idiosyncrasies but just keep your chin up and don't take any lack of interest or outright rejection personal - Online dating is a crapshow and a crapshoot. It's not uncommon for anyone, good looking or not to actually struggle to get beyond the matching and clunky text convo stage.

Mister Vain · 05-01-2022 09:49AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118419569#Comment_118419569

Actually I've recently started using Hinge and I find it much better in that regard. The women I've matched with so far are making an effort and asking plenty of questions. I was meant to go on a date with a girl but she tested positive for covid. Another girl I'm talking to is currently isolating. Fecking typical that I'm getting all these matches now when everyone seems to have covid. 😆

It's looking promising though. I'm not getting my hopes up but it seems to be a much better app than Tinder and Bumble.

Goodigal · 05-01-2022 11:43AM

I have had the good fortune of meeting really nice guys on Bumble (late 40s here and not a stunner!) so probably looking for something totally different to some other posters. I have no problem chatting to men initially, and the conversation has never been one of those 'what are you looking for in a man?' chats. Talk everything from GAA/football to Netflix to children to work. It shouldn't be that hard to have a laugh with someone online. And then see if that translates if/when you get to meet them.

Some of them I've stayed in touch with because they're good fun and we check in on each other regularly. But like I said, it might be my age where I am not looking for the one - been there, done that - but just some company and a few dates a month. Hope you click with someone soon OP - but don't let dating define you. Be happy with yourself first.

jams100 · 07-01-2022 01:05PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118419126#Comment_118419126

Gave it a try, same story no matches after sending a comment to about 20 people over the past number of days.

Easy to see how this could effect someones morale if they already lack confidence/ self belief.

cj maxx · 08-01-2022 08:02AM

I'm getting pissed off with dating apps. I've got a few likes, and conversations that died. I'm also sick of the attractive Chinese girls ' based in Dublin ' but who want to WhatsApp on a uk number. It seems to be a case of throwing enough sh1t against the wall and seeing what sticks.

B.A._Baracus · 09-01-2022 12:11AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118437670#Comment_118437670

Cj, I'm gonna be crude on this one... see your problem? It's that you have a c*ck. There's like 300 blokes to 1 woman on dating sites - there's a reason why no dating site ever reveals its male/female figures.

But if you had a fanny instead? Expect your inbox to be hopping every day. 7 days a week. 365 days a year. That's just the reality.

09-01-2022 12:26AM

Gay or straight, humans are humans, same issues. Most ordinary folk just don’t want to be the person who puts it out there first. In fact I always question why would somebody seem over interested in getting it out there unless they had some issue, because I’m my own experience, over-enthusiastic people sometimes have a major issue, like alcoholism. That’s not a criticism of them, but a symptom of their “trying too hard”, which should raise a red flag. In the other hand the submissive silence is the opposite factor, waiting for an approach by hopefully somebody confident yet without an “issue”. Very hard to get it right, eg, if you try, how do you initiate the approach whilst not scaring another ordinary or perfectly decent shy person off?

It’s a landmine!

Tell me how · 09-01-2022 08:19AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118441887#Comment_118441887

If there's 300 men to 1 woman on each dating site, where are the other 299 women going to find partners?

By and large the population split is 50/50 and assuming there are the same percentage of each gender who are looking for same sex partners there is still an even amount of people looking for partners from both sides.

If you are right, and there's a vast disparity between the numbers of each gender on the sites, that doesn't mean it is any easier for the females as you suggest, there is lot more to finding a meaningful partner than just someone willing to have sex with you. And women have to tolerate a deluge of messages which for them makes it harder to pick out a genuine prospect.

notAMember · 09-01-2022 09:00AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442551#Comment_118442551

Not on the apps, I believe is what they are saying. And honestly I hope my kids never have to use them. I hope they meet their partners through sport, college, work, mutual friends etc.

I have a couple of acquaintances, male, who use the apps like escort services. They are businessmen, suited-up sales, who travel a bit. They line up a couple of nights out in a city, wine and dine the girl (on a company credit card usually) , talk the talk, sometimes sleep with her, leave the city and ghost . Spent their entire 30’s doing this and now into their 40’s.

So you can understand people’s wariness.

Everyone seems to expect the other party to go the extra mile. Start the conversation, have interesting questions, get a banter going. But at the same time with the background info that it could all be under false pretences.

09-01-2022 03:18PM

The pandemic has certainly accentuated dependence on dating apps. Back in the day you met people in real life settings, clubs, work, shared interests. And with people working from home, sometimes in relative isolation, there is simply little alternative if you want to attempt contact with your preferred gender. Socially I think, current circumstances, are an absolute disaster.

And if you are on too many sites it can be very difficult to keep track of messages, potential matches. I recently came across what could have been a superb match from a couple of months back, with the guy sharing a very niche interest and having access to it that I could share. Yet I’m not going to return and insult him by saying “of by the way I just see you and I could get along great, sorry for ignoring you for two months”. That guy deserves better than that.

Mister Vain · 09-01-2022 03:42PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443949#Comment_118443949

That could be a good thing if it means people are taking the apps more seriously now that there are less options to meet IRL. Although I'm not sure if that is the case, and you still have that paradox of choice within the apps unfortunately. I'll be sticking to Hinge from now on I think.

Ave Sodalis · 10-01-2022 12:03AM

It's definitely not just you OP. I'm a female in my mid to late 20s, okay in the looks department, not looking for anything serious on those apps. By many people's definition, I should be going out every week because I should technically be in the most sought after section. I got rid of any matches that didn't talk or stopped replying on Tinder recently. That left me with 2 matches. One is one of my friends from childhood so it doesn't count. The other has sort of fizzled out without anything happening, despite saying we were definitely going to meet.

I've actually stepped back from dating apps a lot because I realised they were killing whatever little bit of confidence I had.

Harryd225 · 10-01-2022 12:44AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058223993/endless-silence-on-dating-apps

As another poster said maybe it is something you are saying or how you are coming across in the messages (maybe desperate idk) , seeing as though you are actually getting replies and conversation from them then that would suggest that it is not your looks that are the problem and people are actually interested in getting to know you, the problem seems to be that once they get to know you then they don't want to talk to you anymore.

Judging by the title I assumed you meant you weren't getting any replies at all.

Salient Verb · 19-01-2022 03:55PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118447054#Comment_118447054

In general, in my area, I've found that the men on dating apps have 1 thing in common. They lack good social skills, as demonstrated by being able to hold a reasonably polite, interesting conversation without being rude, abrupt or inappropriate. Typical example yesterday. I had received 4 sporadic, 1 line replies from a man on one app, although I'd tried to engage him in conversation (e.g. me: "Oh which university did you go to and what did you study? I went to x uni and did x". Him: "Bio-science".) Then I suddenly got a reply accusing me of not giving him my phone number and not allowing him to build up the trust needed to get to know someone. And a whole host of other quite odd stuff about being secretive. He wanted me to give him my phone number after 4 one line messages. No awareness at all that women don't just give out their phone numbers to virtual strangers and all about blaming me.

Thats fairly typical to be honest. Just really poor social skills and an inability to hold a conversation. Many quite weird. And they still expect you to run around after them. In fact the less they have going for them, the more they expect you to do the running.

YellowLead · 19-01-2022 07:07PM

What age guys are you going for? I rarely experience that demanding numbers after a few messages, but I’ve been on the apps for 2 years and can tell the profiles where the guys would be acting like that. I look for age 35-55.

I hardly ever swipe right, because it is hard to find normal people on the apps - albeit hinge is far better than bumble for that.

Salient Verb · 19-01-2022 07:33PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118501609#Comment_118501609

34-50! With the older guys tending more towards smutty messages (the last one continually asked me if I wore stockings and suspenders) and the younger guys more towards being insulting and trying to argue you into agreeing to give them your number/meet them but being fairly obnoxious. Apparently its called negging. Obviously I just blocked them. I'm not on Hinge. tbh I've had enough of it and am deleting it.

YellowLead · 19-01-2022 07:42PM

That’s fair enough! I would suggest hinge however if you decide to restart, tinder has a lot of trash on there, as in guys just looking for sex/sex chats in a disrespectful way.

jams100 · 17-04-2022 01:27PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118432503#Comment_118432503

So 3 months on and I noticed a big change since taking good quality pictures with just myself in the pics. (By good quality i mean i was wearing decent cloths and i was in NYC at the time, luckily I had a friend to take the pics). Before the new pictures were used on tinder I was getting little to no matches (I'm a lad), now I'm getting about 1 match a week, which isn't bad as I'm not even using it that much.

Better news is I met someone in person a few days ago off tinder and she's really nice and we'll be meeting up again soon for a second date.

So the takeaway from this:

1. Make sure your pics are up to date, ideally with just yourself in the pics and not use pics that contain a load of your mates.

2. Put something into your bio that gives a little insight into yourself. (Dogs is a good one...nearly everyone likes dogs).

3. Don't get dispondent or waste too much time on tinder, there are other options like speed dating etc.

Galwayguy35 · 17-04-2022 01:47PM

Was on them for years, made the mistake of texting for weeks before meeting than then sitting across the table from someone and we had nothing to talk about.

Also arranged to meet up and when I arrived the other person was a no show, it doesn't take long to send a text saying they have changed their mind.

I deleted the apps and went back to the way we used to meet people before anyone ever heard of a dating app and hit it off with a woman I met on a night out.

Maybe this will work out and maybe it won't but either way I don't think I'll go back to online dating again.

jams100 · 17-04-2022 02:13PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118938725#Comment_118938725

Yea fair point.

I'd talk to someone on the app for a couple of days, up to a max of 4 or 5 days then I'd ask if they want to meet up for a coffee. If they do then there probably serious, if they don't then they are probably timewasters.

I'm talking like I'm an expert here, I'm not nor am I particularly good looking, just my experience

Mister Vain · 17-04-2022 05:03PM

I prefer to meet up quickly too, but If the person is busy you can often end up texting for weeks. Sometimes I'd suggest going for a coffee at the weekend, but they might be doing something or heading off somewhere with friends. Then I'm trying to think of more topics to fill the void until the following weekend and hope they're free by then.

23-04-2022 01:26PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118364200#Comment_118364200

On the other hand, it's a great filter by stating in the ad what he's looking for (but not what he's against). There are tons of creative dullards on those apps who are pretty much the same - "loads of interests", "easy going", "love my family and friends" - and about as original as a typical Irish wedding. A person giving more info allows you to narrow them down one way or another so this saves everybody time.

Also, there are tons of people (women, in my case) who keep the same photo on those apps for months. They haven't a clue. Change the photos; you don't need to be a tech genius to do that. And what on earth is the story with these luddites who put paint blotches on the other people in the photo? Did they ever see the word 'crop' in their photo program? Basic technical ineptitude = another warning sign that she'll be a womanchild. Generally, though, I am astonished at how vacuous, shallow, superficial and fake are the vast majority of the profiles. Incredible posers everywhere, whatever is the female equivalent of the dick-measuring context is in full flow. There's zero character or personality being displayed. Oh, and any chance these apps could stop showing me men just because the man decided to designate himself as female? Lastly, avoid OKCupid and its €34 per month fees to see the 100 people who "like" you as they're all from Kenya and there's about 10 people (possibly) in Ireland on the entire app.

Nice to see being matched by a dating agency is so open in 2022. Membership of poor old Datadate in the 1990s was up there with being in the Freemasons in terms of secrecy (as was admitting finding one's other half via the penpal section on the last page of Ireland's Own where farmers stated their milk quota in pursuit of child-bearing hips!)

growleaves · 26-04-2022 07:02PM

Say 'I'd love to take you out' as part of the first or second message without necessarily getting specific. That lets them know you're not wasting time. Then you will loop back to that later in the conversation, with a specific time/place/activity ('Meet me at...etc.')

Also (if you're politically correct you might not like this..) mention or hint at sex, preferably in a way that is funny and not too explicit.

You're not a character in a Victorian novel. They're looking for sex and so are you.

Hope this helps.

YellowLead · 26-04-2022 07:39PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118980570#Comment_118980570

Agree with the first section of advice - not really the second.

Rightly or wrongly somebody bringing sex up before meeting can give the impression that all they are out for is a ride. Anytime I’ve met somebody where that had clearly been the case, I’ve looked back and realised there were red flags - such as mentioning sex up front.

A vague non sleazy joke is prob okay. Once you have met in person then it’s totally fine to make such jokes - and a good way to see if somebody is a bit of a laugh or a prude. But just be careful with it too early, and the context.

Hannibal_Smith · 26-04-2022 07:59PM

Mod note

Since the OP hasn't been back since January, I'll close this one off.

If you want it reopened for further advice OP just PM one of the Mods.

Thanks

HS

Endless silence on dating apps

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