Delayed expectations

Jequ0n, by your own admission in this forum you do not treat partners very well. If you were emotionally manipulative and controlling it is understandable that she would try to keep the pregnancy and subsequent child a secret so as not to keep you in her life. Unfortunately for her she is now discovering that children do grow up and usually are curious about who they are and where they came from.

She is saying she wants nothing from you. She doesn't want contact with you but is giving your forewarning that her son might try to contact you in the future. I think she will probably do what she can to delay that for as long as she can. Maybe she is stalling at the moment telling him she is trying to track you down. I think it is very understandable that she would not want to bring you back into her life. But she is also acknowledging that she can't keep you away from her child forever.

I think you should reply to her. Tell her you were surprised to hear from her and that you will take her lead on this. That you will not push for anything that she or the child are not ready for. She knows her son. Let her manage this. She might make some wrong/bad decisions as she tries to bring him up. Every parent does. We make choices at the time that we think are right. Sometimes they're not. But in general, as a parent, we do what we think is best at the time. In this instance I'd let her lead what happens next. She knows the day will come when he wants to contact you. She also knows the person you were when you were together so she will be trying to manage the child's expectations for when he does eventually contact you himself. She'll be trying to prepare him that he might not get a happy outcome.

I have had the same number for roughly 25 years.

What are you furious about? Are you furious that she got pregnant? Had a baby? Didn't tell you? Or are you furious that she has contacted you now all these years later?

You say you don't blame her for not telling you at the time. I am assuming you didn't treat her very well. She got pregnant, unplanned. She wanted to keep the baby but realised she did not want to keep you in her life. So she made the decision that she felt was right at the time. She decided to be a single parent and look for no input from you whatsoever.

Unfortunately, children tend to grow up and ask questions. She doesn't want anything from you. She doesn't want money. She doesn't want your time. She doesn't want a relationship of any sort. But she's now realising that actions have consequences and her son is questioning where his dad is.

If you don't want to be a parent then you have the option to completely ignore that the boy exists. He may come looking for you as an adult. But that's in the future and something you can deal with if/when it happens. By your own admission you don't treat people well. If the boy makes contact with you in the future, he'll probably figure that out for himself before too long and he will realise his mother made the decisions she made trying to protect him.

Don't reply yet. But try to work out what exactly you're furious about. And if you have a right to be. If she told you she was pregnant at the time, what do you think your reaction would have been, and how would your life, and relationship with her and the child have been all these years? Think about that. You're a very honest person, so I think you can be honest with yourself about that.

And then think if you are justified in feeling furious. (Or are you furious because this is a situation you couldn't and can't control? Do you feel she has somehow gotten one over on you?)

She doesn't want you involved. She doesn't want anything to do with you and she hasn't wanted anything to do with you for the past 12 years. She would prefer to happily live the rest of her life never having to communicate with you again. But she's now realising that is no longer her choice.

Her son is asking questions and she can't fob him off forever.

Her contact with you was not an attempt at control. She was not telling you something, deliberately to tell you to stay away. Her contact was purely to forewarn you that in the next few years you will be contacted by a young man who tells you you are his father. If you decide you want to meet the boy before he makes that contact himself I have a feeling she will facilitate it even though she doesn't want it. (So there's your control back if that's what's most important for you in all this - you can decide when to meet him).

She's not trying to control you. She trying to manage a very very difficult situation. One which she believes has the potential to be very upsetting for her son. He's her priority in this. Not you, or controlling you, or looking for a reaction from you, or anything about you... She's only thinking of her son and how to do best by him.